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884 · Aug 2017
Human being
Ash Aug 2017
You need to grab my hand and tell me its okay
This place is so cruel And we don't have to stay
Take my worries away and make me believe
That there is beauty left in all the things That I don't see
Am trapped in a cage and you are my key
Come closer hunny, and please set me free
Stand by my side and never let me go
Teach me again how to pass every flow
I wanna feel with you the things I couldn't feel
Cause you are my savior, with you am a human being.
I want so badly to meet the guy that will rock my world upside down, that will make me feel a human again.
567 · Mar 2019
A drop of tear.
Ash Mar 2019
I lost the ability to cry
Even when I shut my self away and try
I just can’t shed a single tear
why did you leave me with all this fear?
I thought you really loved me
Boy I was mistaken
I gave you all I could give
And now you say you just can’t forgive
In the world of your misory I was a prisoner
Suffocated me so long til I got addicted to it
And now you sat me free wondering
Have He ever loved me or I’m just fooling
My self to stay at peace.
514 · Aug 2019
Eternity
Ash Aug 2019
I’m here
Alive
I write
To leave a mark
That this pain
Is within me
I’ll die
I’ll be forgotten
My words
Will cease to exist
A proof
That I once
Was here.
434 · Aug 2017
The dark valley
Ash Aug 2017
My days seem to be longer
The 24 hours turned into forever
This feeling doesn't wanna leave me
Making sure I feel it every second
Trying to distract my self so badly
From all the soreness that's inside me
But you'll never see it or feel it exactly
I buried it perfectly in that dark valley
The valley that holds all my washouts
My failures my mistakes, my never ending setbacks
This valley is where I am, where I go, and where I end.
421 · Aug 2019
Forever dream
Ash Aug 2019
In the way you look I saw misery
In every touch i felt the warmth
You cant be this cold inside
I saw the love in your eyes
Why wont you surrender to me
I can be everything you need
Just give me the word I seek
I’m by your side, I’d never leave
For all the love I have, its yours to keep
Cause I just cant be a fool
Who gave up her forever dream
418 · Aug 2019
Circle
Ash Aug 2019
Its been a while since I held my pen and wrote
It was a very difficult, long bumpy road
Nothing seems to matter anymore
Its a never ending cycle oh I’m sure
And the lie I keep telling my self
“Tomorrow is a better day”?
Oh what a waste of time when everything is gray.
392 · Aug 2017
Scary thoughts
Ash Aug 2017
Pathetic
Is a name am calling my self lately
For I have become what I always said i'll never be
Its 4am and am alone in this bed
Thinking about all the possible ways that should cause my death
It is scary up there in my mind
From all the scary thoughts crossing it
Am doubting everything around me
And am this close to hit my head
Will I ever be optimistic? Or am I stuck in this moving train only going further from what I always wished to be.
Am calling your name, asking for help.
But you keep stabbing me and asking me why I bleed.
I'll lay on the ground surrounded by my blood waiting for a miracle, or the announcement of my death.
340 · Nov 2018
Why?
Ash Nov 2018
It was one of those days, when you just sit there staring at the object in front of you.
While your mind is wandering: “What did I do to deserve to feel this way” you say to yourself.
How can everything go great and in one second it all falls apart.
Life has taught me so many things, life has taught me to never raise my hope, it was the only way to avoid getting hurt.
I was so good on my own I had everything figured out, thats what I at least thought.
Then you appeared out of the blue.
An angelic face is what I saw.
I worked so hard to build that wall, I had my self shut away.
Then you came with your sledgehammer and demolished my wall.
I desired you like you were the last man on earth.
I wanted you so bad that walking over sharp bricks didn’t bother a bit.
I was there facing you, holding your hand at last ... I never felt so alive.
Only then I did the biggest mistake of my life “I raised my hope again” cause with you I felt like I wanna face my fears.
“All good at last” is what I said while I was drowning in your features and having glimpses of our future.
I thought all is well, till you pushed me and started building your own wall.
I wrecked that wall, I walked over the sharp bricks again my legs started bleeding but I didn’t care, but you built it again and I wrecked it over & over again until my legs couldn’t function anymore.
I fell on my knees begged you to take those steps for me.
But the last image I have of you is your back getting further and further away.

“I took million of steps for you but you couldn’t take one step for me”

Now am here staring at this object and getting ready to build that wall again
I wish I didn’t have to.
309 · Aug 2017
Cigarettes
Ash Aug 2017
You never knew how much it hurts
You never knew how bad I felt
I told you i'll prove it
I'll smoke a cig everytime I feel depressed
Its been 3 weeks babe
I finished 5 packs on my own
100 deadly cigarettes
I hope I made my point
301 · Oct 2019
...
Ash Oct 2019
...
What is happiness anyway.
281 · Aug 2019
Sad reality
Ash Aug 2019
And all the things that once made us alive
Eventually fades
Sad how everything must come to an end
All the memories and all the love we shared
What a waste, it’s all in vain
Nothing is forever all we have is now
And now is pointless, why do we even try?
But one thing is for sure
You cant have it all
Enjoy the happy ones, before the dark ones come along.
265 · Aug 2017
Loneliness
Ash Aug 2017
Is being lonely action or a state of mind
All these people around me and clearly am blind
For I cant feel their love or their affection
Wasting my time looking at my dark reflection
Have I become a cold hearted *****?
Or am I too busy covering my wounds with stitches?
I guess i'll never know
255 · Aug 2019
Imperfect
Ash Aug 2019
Will I ever be enough?
In a world that praises perfection
Will I ever be what you want?
With every flaw I have
And every bleeding scar
Would you take me as a whole?
Would you water this dying flower?
Would you make me bloom?
210 · Nov 2017
Such a waste
Ash Nov 2017
I cant keep doing this
Whats the point of owning your heart when everything is a mess.
You say you love me but you make me feel like ****
Every time we have a talk you just ******* lose it
They say you cant harm a heart you love
Does that make you a liar?
Or you do what you want cause you know I wont lose my desire
You got used to me always coming back
cause the idea of losing you gave me a heart attack
But I promise you I wont always be around
My absence will fill your lungs till the day you drown
105 · Nov 2019
Sorry dear.
Ash Nov 2019
I thought I had it figured out
I thought I was finally there
I wasn’t aware that I escaped a maze
Only to enter another maze
Why cant I love my self enough
To respect my soul
That aches for a rest,
I was mistaken
I am the flowers and the water.
Only with me I bloom
#selflove #bloom

— The End —