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Oct 27 · 209
The only thing worse
Kole J McNeil Oct 27
The only thing worse that having a panic attack...
Is being on the verge all day and never acctually having one
I cant stop this feeling like im going to have  apanic attack but it never comes and its almost like a physical pain at this point
Oct 19 · 176
My First Cigarette
Kole J McNeil Oct 19
I grabbed the lighter off the counter
I walked outside
It was late
I was home alone that night
I sat on the side of the sand box in front of my house
My hand was shaking
I was exausted
I was stressed
I just needed something
Anything

I pull the Cigarette from the altoids tin I hid it in
I pull it up to my lips
I flick the ligter and a flame shoots up
I light the end and take a deep breath it
The end glows with red embers
Suddenly everything is quiet
I exhale blowing out the smoke
It's the last gohst of my inncoence that floats away
I take another breath in and am filled with a silent minds

My mind is finally quiter
After years of no stop chatter
All is quiet
I don't know how too keep them quiet without them. It was the first time I felt actually calm
Oct 19 · 287
You & Cigarettes
Kole J McNeil Oct 19
I was told to say away from you
I was told that you would **** me
I was told that you were a cancer
I was told and didn't listen
You burned me more than that first Cigarette had
You made it harder to breath than the smoke I inhale
You we more cancerious than the nicotine in my blood
You were worse than the Cigarettes I smoke
Smoke drink huff sniff but never fall in love. Its worse than any drug ever
Oct 5 · 26
When I Was Alive
No one cares
and no one sees
No one cares
and now I'm gone

Youre tears fall down
and you say I'm missed
You say you love me
Hoverd over my body

If you cared
You would have seen
That when you touched me
I dissapered

You would have seen
my soul turnd to dust
You woukd have seen
My eyes grow dark

You say you care?
Then where were you
when I was alive...
Sep 7 · 5
The Carved Smile
I have a ****** line across my face
It curves up at the corners and looks so pretty
It portrays that im ok
It shows that i'm not dying inside

The blody smile curves at the corners
It gives the illusion that all is ok
It distracts from the dark circles under my eyes
It shows that im ok

The ****** line curves more with every time i'm asked if i'm ok
It grows larger and cuts deeper in with every "I'm ok"or "I'm fine"
It hids the pain that resides so close to the surface

That is my carved smaile
One for socioty that I can't take off
forced by my life to stay perfectly poised
To show no emeotion othere than happiness
It has been forced apoun me by a socioty,
that only cares about apperance
If you stray from the path you must know
the same pain i feel of having craved that
smile into youre own face.
Never let anyone tell you that youre feelings aren't valid or that you should smile more. Im done living a life that i was forced to. I want to be free of this fake carved smile i wear. Its taking time though.
Jul 1 · 295
Socal Suicide
Socal Suicide
Walking to lunch alone
Talking alone
Picking up the bottle
Picking up the pill
If you don't
It's social suicide

Smiling along
Laughing alone
Makeup your face
Selfie suicide
Is socal Suicide

Fake followers
Unknown callers
No meals
Don't be different
Dont commit

SOCAL SUICIDE!!!
This is how life fells constantly
May 10 · 41
Loud
Kole J McNeil May 10
My World Geo class is so loud
Its like ive started floating in a cloud

My mind has gone blank
I feel like I need a crank to work

I can't feel my hands
My life is numb

It's too loud
Its time for a panic attack

I cant wait to have my 4th one today
I cant foucs ITs too loud and my hands have no feeling. Its strange
Apr 29 · 142
The strawberry
Kole J McNeil Apr 29
A strawberry tastes like sitting in a field and the light is just going down so everything is golden and you're with you're GF/ girl best friend and she's wearing a sunflower dress with tewl and I'm wearing a white flowy puffy sleeves shirt with brown pants and we're just sitting there talking and existing for one perfect second
This is how I taste a strawberry
Apr 20 · 180
The broken hero
Kole J McNeil Apr 20
Looking into your eyes I see the pain as I stand at the edge my hair whipping in my face. I see you chained to the rocks. Inches from me, reaching out. Your screams silent and straining against the chains and wind.
I stare my enemy in the eyes as he reaches out to save my life. He had become my best friend and saved me from the girl who had tried to **** me. He still needed an enemy after all.
I look at you with your tear stained face
"I guess you were right from the beginning I AM a monster. I could never be saved."
I smile as you strain against the chains and I fall back off the cliff into the sea.
This is going to be the end of Book 1 in my book series. The book is Called AS I RUN. This is probably going to be my favoret part.
Apr 20 · 38
Falling
Kole J McNeil Apr 20
And Im falling
Falling through my thoughts
Falling down
Falling in
Falling alone
A void of stares
Silent stares
Im falling through
through my thoughts
Falling through my thoughts again
Goodbye ill try again
maybe we'll meet in another life
but goodbye
I say falling of the cliff
Apr 20 · 413
Slice of safe
Kole J McNeil Apr 20
I was seven
I had run away
I climbed a tree high up in it's branches
Tall and reaching to the sky
I looked up and saw piece of heaven waiting for me
I reached for it. I leaped flying for one a blissful second
Then I was falling
Quiet as the wind on a summers night
I didn't wish to wake the world
I was falling blissfully in peace
I was seven but didn't wish to break the peaceful silence that I never got
It was just me
Flying in my mind
Reaching towards the safest place I had ever seen
But I hit earth and woke up in a place I didn't want to be again
I was back in my room
My parents had found me still reaching towards the sky
I haven't seen that place since then
I'm still waiting
Iv'e tried

Peace, falling, flying
this did happen though not as angelic as this tho ive tried to see that peace agin. Ive been broken too much.
Apr 19 · 240
Over thinking
Kole J McNeil Apr 19
Family dinner
Get to see family
Get to talk to people
Don't F it up
Talk normal
No the think you a disappointment already
Wear the worst make up ever
They already hate you
Don't talk what if you out youreslf
If you come out they will hate you more
Youre gonna be abused
Then your gonna run away and be homeless
Then youre not gonna get a job to pay for food
Then you DIE
Don't talk.
Apr 19 · 51
Unfulfilled fantasies
Kole J McNeil Apr 19
Fists balled in the lunch room
Music in my ear telling me to F it all
Friends yelling their disappointment
Rising rage and hate
Don't tell me to eat
Dont tell me what you think about my mental illnesses
They are mine and you can't dictate them
They control me
Zoned out
Punch her in the face
Laugh at her on the floor
5'9 best friend on the floor by her 5'2 short *** friend
Snapps in the face
Wakes up
Shes still yelling at me
Just wishful thinking
I didn't snap
I wanna snap
Im going to snap
Apr 15 · 32
Ruler among them all
Kole J McNeil Apr 15
Heavy is the crown upon the head of the queens of broken hearts and burning love
Heavy is the heart of the kings who lost the war

I don't know who i am
no i don't know who i am

I sit upon a throne of lies wearing a crown i didn't earn I stole this throne
And I will rule
I will be a God among humans
I will be the king among peasants
I will be the ruler they never saw coming

I don't know who I am
No I don't know who I am

I am the boy who will never love I am the boy who was never seen
I was the boy who killed himself to be the ruler he knew he was
Idk know what or who i am. Ive got so many people in my head im standing on the edge right now
Apr 6 · 284
Candle
Im a tall candle
I have a wick
I have a life

I light that candle to see
but as I do so my life melts away
it burns and melts

I was tall once
I was beuifule
I was warm

My skin has melted away
you can see the little marks left
you can see my wick in the middle

Im so broken inside
im so cut
im so burned
im so alone

i dont even know who I am anymore.
My personalaty has melted away into a pool of many others.
My name no longer belongs to just me.

I am a candle that once burned bright
but now is dead and cold
Im gone
melted away
My mental health has gone. i dont even know who I am anymore. My personalaty has melted away into a pool of many others. My name no longer belongs to just me.
Apr 6 · 317
FEEL
sweet silent nothing
blank mind
no feeling
sweet dark bliss
no love no hate no pain no happienss
Dull
Grey
cold

Sharp
Deep breath
Color
Red
Pain
full of light
hate, happienss, pain
it all comes back for one sweet warm second

the its gone again in an instatnt

do it again
feel the light
feel the warm
see the color

Im not who i used to be

i want to stop
i have to stop
but i can't
this addiction brings back all the things that make me me

i dont want to be this

i want
i want to feel

Just a few more on they already rough skin
a few more cant hurt

Just a little deeper
feel a little longer

till it stops working
so you have to go deeper
It will help

no one has to know
no one has to see
its my own broken, ******, angry, hurt little secret
This is what its like in my mind while i self harm. Its and addiction that I have no idea how to quit
the way you look at me
while on the floor
with the bottle in hand

they way you look at me
while lying in the ****** tub
with the blade in my hand

they way you look at me
while tying the rope
around my neck

the way you look at me
while standing on the edge
so high i think i can fly

the way you looked at me
when I said goodbye
when you caught me
from the edge of that building
when i fell entangled in your arms

the way you looked at me
broke my heart
Apr 6 · 437
Another
Another shot
Another cut
Another person
Another drug
Another day of numb
Another girlfriend
Another attempt

Just one more
I messed up again and im feeling very lost right now.
Mar 1 · 47
Smile
You should "smile" more
Why do you always look so depressed
So I do
I smile
I laugh
I watch the world pass by me pretending
I smile
I laugh
I carve it into my face
I wish my poems came out the way my thoughts are in my head
It's all a mess
All jumbled up
Loud and harsh
Headache inducing voices that never shut up
The smile is disillusioned happiness
Smile
I keep smiling
I will smile myself to an early grave
With my actions
I no longer have any idea who I am
I list off my fake dreams and my fake goals
But I never believe I will live to make them a reality
I act fine and no one questions it
Im bitter and broken
Im angry and lost
I got sober for a while but thats when all the pain came back
I was clean for a while but thats when I could no longer take the internal pain
Pills
Potions
Blood
No longer happy
Overdose
But Im saved for one more excruciating day
Why can't you just let me die
Smile
Nothing happend
I'm fine
See im smiling
Smile
All your problems will be solved
I don't remeber what my real smile looks like
I'm so numb and empty
I just wish smiling wasn't a chore
I wish I could write my esseys the way I write my poems or books
I don't know whats so ****** up with my brain but thats ok
I'll just smile for one last day on earth
Im scared for any change though
The pain has become a fimillar feeling
I feel lost without it
I feel like of im not in pain I don't have a personalty
My mental illnesses have become my personality
I'm no longer a person just a problem
One last
No i'm not ok. im not fine. im not happy. I'm not smiling anymore.
Mar 1 · 272
My Addiction
My addiction is not to drugs or alcohol
Not to nicotine
No
My addiction is people
My addiction is wanting to fall in love
My addictions is no longer being able to fall in love now because i'm addicted
I'm addicted to you
Feb 6 · 229
Little things
Tiny little things
Pretty little things
Broken little things
Little me
1st grade me
Sitting on the swing
My best friend beside me
A pinky promise on a playground
A promise now long forgotten
A promise of friendship forevermore
A promise too soon broken

Little me
2nd grade me
Sitting on the slide
No one beside me
No more promises left to be broken

Little Me
4th grade me
Sitting on the swings yet again
This time it was me next to me
But it wasn't me
He leaned over and stuck out his pinky
He said he'd always be here
He'd never leave me

Little Me
5th grade me
Sitting on the swings
His hand in mine
An invisible person
An invisible friend
He has yet to leave
His promise left yet unbroken

Innocent Me
6th grade me
Sitting on the playground wall
Sitting there with him
Hes grey eyes
His short spiky white hair
His soft smile
His sad eyes
They were always sad
My only friend
His promise sits unbroken

Cut me
7th grade me
Sitting alone
A girl moos in my face
I laugh at her
My long hair falling in my face
Hi my name is Dory
She looked at me
I said go away
She sat down anyway
Where he usually sat
But I couldn't find him
His promise now broken in my eyes
I slowly forgot my invisible best friend

New Me
Broken me
8th grade me
Hi I'm the invisible friend
I now realize that he was me
He was who i'm supposed to be
I now know he never left
I now know his promise will be forevermore
He will never break it
I just found out who I was
I found out I was He

Little Me
Innocent Me
Happy me
Not Me
His promise never broken
He was my best friend when I had none, He was always there and he never did break his promise. He may not be that invisible boy I used to play with on the swings and i may not see him anymore but hes still here. He's the only one who hasn't broken the promise to never leave.
Feb 2 · 48
my story untitled
Untitled
That Is what MY story is
My story has not a title
MY story
It has no title because it will end soon
I will wait until the last period is placed
I will wait till the cover is closed
I'm not ready to be labeled yet
I don't have any label nor do I wish to be labeled
Feb 1 · 151
artist
I am an artist
I draw only with silver markers
I use only the color red
On paper thin skin
With wrists so sore and scared
From words left so unspoken
and Lies that saw the light

I am an artist
Crafting my own destruction
Using tools so beautiful
Like paint on a canvas
And silver brushes marking the smooth soft surface
I use the blooms of white flows now dyed red

I am an artist
Fulfilling my own dream
With swift marks
And Angry motions
With dark colors
And red paint
With colorful bottles of unknown origin
With liquid like gold
And dead mans poison

I am an Artist
Of pain and death

I am an Artist
Of which I am no more
I am in a constant battle in my head and I don't know how to end it. I am an artist who wishes to no longer live on this earth and be in pain.
Jan 28 · 277
Pinwheel
Kole J McNeil Jan 28
Pin wheel
The colorful play toy at carnivals  
The things that move in wind
But what about life
In a way life is like a pinwheel
It is colorful and delicate
It has many sides
A colorful side and a dull side
A happy and a sad side
Life is delicate
if you let go it'll blow away in the wind
If you hang on you may loose some but not all
Life is like a Pinwheel
Sorry if this seems odd. i used a random word generator and made a poem from it
Kole J McNeil Jan 28
Words best left unspoken
By mouths bound by secrets
By throats scraped dry from screaming
And eyes red form lieing

Words best left unspoken
By lips sealed with lies
By hands that waved goodbye
And eyes with no emotion

Words best left unspoken
The words you said to me
The words you should have left
UNSPOKEN
Unspoken words can save lives and take them too
Jan 26 · 124
Broken Words
Kole J McNeil Jan 26
Broken words up on this page
The more they grow of my new age
Sad songs on a ballad of hope
Around my soul a necklace of rope
Along this river of unseen pain
The red of blood has left my vain
Broken words up on this page
One more day of broken age
A generation of broken souls
Broken words up on this page
The lost hope of a new age
All I wish to see in this life is change but it's impossible with the standards that life now has and kids being trapped in schools that haven't changed in centuries and curriculum's that make them feel lost and stressed. Adults being trapped in a life and job that they don't want all so they can have the smallest bit of freedom and feed their families. I want a new hope for all of humanity. I want all races to be equal all genders and sexuality's to have the same rights. I want everyone to be able to smile for real not a fake one they have been wearing for far to long.
Jan 26 · 128
people in my head
Kole J McNeil Jan 26
It's funny
The words
The voices
All talking at once
Telling me what to say
Telling me what to do
But when I do it another voice says
"NO"
Do something else
Then I try
Then I fail
There's too many voices
To many
I need them to be quiet
It's all to loud
Everyone's talking
But the room is silent
I've carved a smile into my face
Words flow out but not my own
Sometimes I'm not there
Sometimes someone else is in control
I'm not me anymore
Jan 20 · 38
Untitled
Kole J McNeil Jan 20
You make me want to write
Words so bitter but oh so sweet on my toung
The words u said to me sour in my mouth as I repeat them

Im a slave to your words
Im a slave to your love
Im a slave to you
Jan 19 · 52
Pian
Kole J McNeil Jan 19
Pian

Pian

The scars on my  wrists are reminders.

The fresh cuts sting and burn, The red of my blood brings me release of pain that I feel inside. The pain of the sharp and the sight of the blood, it reminds me that I’m alive. But now it just there, there is no pain just numb.

Pain

I’m not scared of death.

No on the contrary I invite it with open arms.

No I’m scared of living. The thought of life is what chills me to the bone. That feeling that I don’t live up to society's standards. That I’ll be treated diffrently if I don’t fit the description of a cis girl.

Pain

It comes in the form of a dress, of long hair, of makeup, of *******.

It does not come in the form of a broken limb or a gun wound.

It is not a physical pain. Though it can be more inhabilitating than a broken leg. You no longer have the strength or will to get out of bed. Or even live anymore.

Pain

It comes from those who do not understand

It comes from words spoken about you but not to you. It comes from betrail of the highest form. That of a friend, of a lover, of family. They talk. Thats what gives you the power to take those pills. To bury the knife so deep in your wrist they can’t take it out. To put that rope necklace on and push away the only thing holding you up.

Pain

It is the friends you push away that can’t help you

It’s the feeling of pure depression. It’s not a sickness that you can see. You don’t cough, you don’t have a sniffly nose, you aren’t pale, you don’t have a fever of 127. You are so tierd becuause if you sleep you dream but can’t call it dreaming. It’s only nighmares.

Pain

It’s not what you think it is.

It’s like a friend who never leaves. Deppression lives with you and you can’t escape it. It slowly invades your sleep and every waking second.

Pain

For me my deppression is my body

My skinny waist, big hips, and *******. From my round face to my girly voice. My shortness and my slender hands and tiny feet. My deppression is my Dysphoria. She huants me when I look in the mirror. I see it in the faces of my friends. So I push them away.

Pain

It’s feeling so loney that it feels as tough you can’t go on any more

It’s pushing away your friends when you need them the most becuse you don’t wan to hurt them if you do leave. And you consider making life better for everyone including yourself by ending it all. Those pills, that blade, the knife, or the necklace of rope makes you feel free.

Pain



No more PAIN

No more PAIN

NO MORE PAIN



PAIN
Jan 19 · 45
Shut Up
Kole J McNeil Jan 19
Shut up, Shut up, Shut up
Kole J McNeil Jan 18
Tissues bloomed with red
hidden under your pillow
silver sits ignored but not forgotten in your beside desk
hidden
hidden
hidden
Ive run out of places to give myself scars
Ive run out of places to burn
My wrists scared
my thighs burned
my neck sliced to bits
I guess I could stop now
No space for more scars
but pain is my vice
pain is my savior
scars over scars over scars
No one sees my arms anymore
Just one more
Ok a stick and poke tattoo as an alternative
Make art instead of pain
Oh no i failed
Time to find those hidden blades
Hidden razors
No where to hid the razor blades anymore
Nowhere to hid the scars
Hidden.

Blood is all I see
I see red
Red Red RED
Razorblades are my only friend anymore.
Jan 13 · 43
Drunk on my Youth
Kole J McNeil Jan 13
I remember that what I held in my eyes were dreams and stars and in my hands were the pens with six colors and bottle cap shots

Now in my eyes is the pain that came with growing up and in my hands shots to forget

I remember when all the worries were of who had cooties and who had a crush on me

Now its about who wants to **** me and who wants to drug me

It used to be king of the castle and blanket forts

Now it's cigarettes and ***

It was play dates and playgrounds and crayola markers making rainbows on the page

Now it bed sheets and lights off and silver markers that draw red lines on skin like paper

It was coloring inside the lines and playing nice

Now its late assignments and bullying

It was can't wait to see and have a good day

Now it's ******* later and go cut yourself

It was juice boxes and lunchables

Now it's ***** and starving

I miss the old me, when my friends still loved me, when I didn't feel like cutting myself up and drowning my problems in alcohol and pills. I wish I was drunk on my youth not my dads whisky every night.
Kole J McNeil Dec 2020
Sitting in this class I feel as though I am wasting away with my thoughts costantly banging inside my head wanting to be free

I am drwonging in my own mind with these thoughts like an angry god stirring the ocean of my happines and peace

The god is drowning me and I am reaching twords the surface gasping for air but the techer drones on while I sit there seamingly bord

Inside my own head is a battle raging my fear a lonly worrior fighting for a place in my mind my anxity is an army of hate

My deppression is the godess of death with her staring eyes and mind breaking words

The techer continues to with the lesson, the lesson that in my mind is the thing fuling the flames of my anger and pain

The kids laugh while I walk by, I am invisible to everyone unless they want to bully me

The kids are the mosters and I am the monster hunter who lost their wepon and is fighting a onesided battle

My words are the double edged sword that while slicing down my enemys are cutting words in to my own skin

The teachers are the evil overlords I must defeat but this not a real fight this is just a normal day

That bag I wear on my back, no not the backpack, the depression and my thoughts make it impossible to run after my target

It is heavy and the sword I cary so bravly is dulling with every slice it takes of my enmeys and myself

I am waering the aroumr that protects my mind from the stress that is school that is the kids that is my deppression and my parents and my thoughts

I am carring a sword that is dull but looks sharp so no one thinks to ask if it is sharp enough or offer to help when they see me loosing my battles

I am have been shot down and stood back up when no one thought I would The teachers they act as though they care

The teachers are the traitors that are pretending to be on your side when in reality they are serving the my angry god just to tick off another curriculum box

That is my battle not one of bloodshed though it is and not one of physical but mental

I see my life as a novle that I am wirting but I am the villian and hero and lost soul, I am everything and nothing

If I see my life as a battle it is easier to face than if I see it as reality, in my mind I have superpowers and I am the greatest sword master though a clumsy one I will admit

We all mess up but if I mess up thats just one more thing my angry god can use against me

I am loosing to my angry god
;
If you are loosing to yourangry god plz feel free to talk to me. I know how hard it is.
Dec 2020 · 39
I AM TRAPPED
Kole J McNeil Dec 2020
I am trapped
In this computer
In my phone
In techolagy
I am the prisoner of my own genoration
MY words live inside this divice
Im a mess of thoughts and anger
I am trpped
Inside my own mind
In my own thoughts
In my words
In my anxity
Im a mess of words and hate
I am trapped
In school
In the bullying
In the hate of other kids
In the judgemntalness and dissapointment in my teachers eyes
I am A mess Gods im a mess
I am trapped
In all these sleepless nights
In the bottom of this bottle
In these pills
In the hate for myself
I am trapped
I am truly trapped
Dec 2020 · 185
She
Kole J McNeil Dec 2020
She
Her eyes blue
Her hair a soft brown
She is perfect

She doesn't see her worth
She keeps going after the guy that hurt her
Over and Over

I wish she could see how much she is worth
She means the world to me
But she keeps hurtong herslelf for a guy who doesn't love her

I cant stand to see her hurt
She deservs the world
She is tall and smart and beautifull
She is funny and kind and soft
She has soft hands

She's loud but gental
She is a picture perfect girl

All I want is she
She is which I am living
She is which I am happy
She is which I long

She is my Yellow
My Blue
My Red
My Green
My Orange
She is my rainbow
She is my light
She is my stars
She is my galexy
She is my moon

And she is my insomnia
She is my reson
She is my guding hand
And she is the badage of the wounds I give myself
And she is the trash that took the blades
And she is the mended heart break
She is the bottle that I never picked up again
She is the pills I put back in the cabnet
She is...
she
She
SHe
SHE
SHE!!!
SHE
Dec 2020 · 55
unseen insomniac
Kole J McNeil Dec 2020
My heart is weak
My hands are shaking
My knees weak
My eyes are dark and blood shot

I'm lying in my bed
It's 9:00pm
Almost bed time
My Brother is in bed
My dad is aspleep on the couch
The is TV playing in the living room
The fake news is all I hear now

My mum is cleaning the house
She has siad goodnight to my brother
She has taken a shower
She is ready for bed

10:00pm
My mums in bed
She said good night
I'm still sitting in my bed
I should be asleep
As usual i'm the last one awake

10:30pm
I'm still sitting here
My mind is racing
I'm staring at my computer

14 missing assignments
I have sat here all day
I need to compleate them
I look at my grades
F
F
F
F

FFFFailure
That is what I am

11:30pm
I finally looked away from my computer
Still 14 missing assignments
I plug in my computer
I unlock my phone
I put my headphones in
Just a half an hour

12:00am
Time to sleep
School tommrow
I have to sleep

1:00am
How!

2:00 am
3:00am
4:00am
5:00am
****
I have to wake up in an hour
How did time pass so fast

6:00 am
Oct 2020 · 446
Hidden
Kole J McNeil Oct 2020
Hidden

I was sheltered all my life.
But then I went to school
I made friends who stabbed me in the back
I learned what pain was
I learned what it was to be bullied
I learned what it was to hide
I learned that when they walk by to sink into the shadows

1st grade
Laughing and joking
Playing and carefree
Friends and playdates
Sleepovers and games

2nd grade
Sitting in silence
Looking at the front board
Some friends who ignored me
Lonely and anxious

3rd grade
Hurt and alone
I don’t even remember
3rd grade was lost in my mind
No friends
And failing hard

4th grade
Alone
Empty
Cold
Feeling wrong
No real friends

5th grade
Trying to fit in
Bullied
Hiding in the bathroom
Crying at recess


6th grade
Fell in love
She hated me
Was bullied more for liking someone that was not who I should like
Hid my feelings
Hid in the shadows
Alone

7th grade
A new friend
Happier
Still bullied
Still sad
Not feeling right in my body

8th grade
Cut my hair
Came out to family
Got a girlfriend
Had two amazing friends
But I was cut
I was broken

Hide in the shadows
Don’t let them see you
Don’t wear short sleeves
Pick up that pice of glass
Burry the blade in my arm
Hurry to the emergency room
Put on suicide watch

Three months later
Eat a peanut that you know your allergic to
Rushed to the emergency room again
Put on an IV for 3 days
Let out
Feeling numb
Cuts slowly grow deeper and deeper

Two months later
Not at school
Won’t answer phone
Friends worried
Still feeling empty

Goes to school
Gets put on watch from resource officer
Feels alone
Can’t breath
Panic attacks in P.E.
Catches feelings for your best friend

School gets canceled due to COVID
Fails all classes 4th quarter
Falls into deep depression
Has mantle break downs
Panic attacks daily
Family downgrades feelings

Summer of 8th grade going into highschool
Starts drinking a lot
Makes it 3 months clean
Not a day clean in August
Cuts get slowly worse, more, and deeper
Breaks up with boyfriend
School starts
Becomes your best friends boyfriend
Comes to school high or drunk
Scares girlfriend

Stressed out and alone
Confused

Waiting to see what happens the rest of the year
Sep 2020 · 40
Empty
Kole J McNeil Sep 2020
What is feeling
It's like I'm just a shell
There is nothing left
My soul has left
I have left

I am EMPTY

E-mpty
M-ad
P-aind
T-ested daily
Y-oung with and aged mind
Sep 2020 · 253
When I'm Gone
Kole J McNeil Sep 2020
When I'm gone.

Will the grave you bury me in be deeper that wounds I gave myself?

Will the light I once loved warm the ground where I lay?

Will the sunlight reach my cold body, laying rotten and forgotten in the ground?

Will You visit me?

Will you leave flowers at my grave?

Will you pretend to love me now I'm gone?

Will you say nice things about me?

Will the hole I now reside in be deeper than the hole in my heart that was left by those who claimed to love me?

Will the rivers run red of the blood I bled?

Will my body stay in the coffin or will it burn in hell with my soul?

Will I be forgotten like all the letters I sent you?

Will i be forgotten like blade that ran across my skin?

Will you bury me with the thing that gave me a reminder I was alive but also took that life in a second?

When I'm gone I will sew a blanket with the lies you have told me.

When I'm gone I will reap the soil with the blood of those who wronged me.

I will be justice.

I will be death
Sep 2020 · 1.2k
Mask
Kole J McNeil Sep 2020
My mask is one of happiness and warmth
that's what my mask is

But wait a mask is somthing you use to keep you safe from germs
wrong

My mask is somthing that hides pain
no scars on my face
no just the pain that lies behind my mask of lies and decite

I am Happy

NO
Lies stop lying

My mask is one that hides sandness
my mask is not physical
My mask is a smile that hides the hurt in my eyes

My mask is one of caring
But what do you mean a mask of caring

No my mask is not one of fabric but of emotion
My mask is of silk woven with worry
It's a mask woven of silken hate
Thats my mask
Sep 2020 · 159
Anxious All The Time
Kole J McNeil Sep 2020
Hi i say

wait was that right
is that to informal
is it to formal
stop talking
your embarrassing yourself

How was your day?
No thats not right
ask them how they are
ask them if they are happy

"How are you?" they ask

Say fine
do they actully care
why are they talking to you
why are you standing there

"time to leave!"

Do you have your wallet
where is your mask
why do you look like that

(kids laghing in the hallway)

They are laghing at you
you should change
why do you dress like that

"bed time"

Did you trun off the light
did you brush your teeth
make sure you check under your bed 3 times
make sure the light is actually off
go check again

"hey how was you day. I'm so tired."

text back
but wait a secon
dont let them think your despreat to talk to them
wait do they actully want to talk to you

"Hello???..."
...
...
...

"good night"

Why didn't you respond
no they didn't want to talk to you anyway
go to sleep

(starts screaming)

wakes up in a cold sweat
you shouldn't have called your teacher mum in 3rd grade
why did you
re think that conversation

Looks at the blade

Don't do it
your freinds will worry
no they won't
they don't care

Pulls balde across

no  more pain

Good bye
always anxious
Apr 2020 · 545
I am Transgender
Kole J McNeil Apr 2020
Hello my name is Kole
I was confused
I made a friend who loved me for me because he understood
He understood because he was trans
I was gay
But then I met him
I knew something was different inside me
I met him and I understood who I was at last
I was born a girl
I hated my body
I pretended to be a girl
I wore dresses and makeup to please them
But now I have cut my hair
I feel authentically me
I am happier than I have ever been
I have a ways to go but finally I am me!
I am a transgender male and I owe my Discovery and life to my best friend Finn, Thank you.
Mar 2020 · 257
Face in the mirror (long)
Kole J McNeil Mar 2020
This face I see in the mirror
It doesn’t belong to me
This long hair
These pale blue eyes
Whos are they
They are not mine
They do not belong to me

The people at school do not understand why I hide my body
I hide with baggy clothing and short hair
But everyone can see through this mask I wear
I smile and say I’m fine but they can see every word I say is a lie

So I tell them why I do these thing
“ But why you're such a pretty young girl”
I say not girl and they say woman
I say Boy
They say Girl
I say Kole
They say Maggie

What did I do to deserve this
Whats wrong with my name whats wrong with who I am
I don’t judge people for who they like or who they are of who they want to be
You don’t judge people for dying their hair or changing their nose
But as soon as I say I want to be called a name it’s histarea

Whats wrong with one name
They say “ what next? Do u want to go to the boys locker room and hang out with them.”
Yeah so I feel more comfortable
But no I must fit society
I must be what i'm perceived as
I must be this robot that follows every command

Were fed this false information that anyone who is different is wrong or bad
We must hide from different
We must cage it
As soon as we are perceived as different we become a mouse in a cage full of lions
We get attacked

There are those few how will jump into the lion cage to save the small mouse
But then you get stolen away from your savoir and put in a cage for inspection
They scrutinize every part of you

Im a rainbow in sky full of clouds and I’m all alone
I know there are others but until you come out you are who they made you to be
Then when you do finally say how you feel you get rejected and hated and told you are not valid

I am here to tell every person who has ever felt this way
You are valid and loved and strong
Don’t listen to them

And to those of you who disregard their pronouns or hate them for loving who they love
You are wrong you do not understand everything they could be going through
Take it from someone who knows transphobia and bulling first hand you bullies never win
The small mouse in the cage of lions out smarts all of you and escapes through the bars while you stand stunned and stuck in that cage with no goal now I’m gone
This is for my school talent show and I'm so exited and nervous.
Mar 2020 · 211
Why am I so SAD
Kole J McNeil Mar 2020
Why am I so sad
I feel this crushing weight on my chest
I feel my life imploding
I can feel my friends slipping away from me
I can see the disgust on there face when they see me
I can feel there words when they talk in hushed voices
I can feel my nails on my skin
Raking and ripping and shredding my skin
Blood drips on my arm
I feel my own skin under my nails
I'm disgusted with myself
I want to die
I want to feel
I want know what it feels like to be actually loved
why am I so sad
Why does it feel like I'm drowning
why does it feel like I'm falling, I'm crashing into a void of nothing
#depression #sad
Feb 2020 · 167
Face in the Mirror
Kole J McNeil Feb 2020
Long beautiful hair
Rosy cheeks
Red lips
Framed eyes

Who am I looking at
This Face in the Mirror
It's not mine

These amazing curves
This body to be envied
This amazing dress
These pale blue eyes

This Face in the Mirror
Feb 2020 · 213
Better Off Dead
Kole J McNeil Feb 2020
my misery knows no end
The darkest thoughts come forward

I tell people and they see a therapist
The therapist says take thees pills you'll be happy

What is happy
You can't just fix this

It doesn't work like that

My Boyfriend says
"I'll fix this. I know I can"
But you cant.

Everything you say I
twist to make it negative

Sometimes I think
I'm better off dead.

My friends say
"You can get through this just smile and breath."

I wish I could

"Get some sleep you'll feel better"
But the nightmares don't help.

Soon all you feel is empty

Sometimes I think
I'm better off dead.
Feb 2020 · 121
Drawing
Kole J McNeil Feb 2020
Like a pencil to paper
The blade to my skin draws lines
I release my pain and thoughts with every cut

This is my life I'm sorry if I disappoint
I know its short but it reflects my life in a few short lines.

— The End —