"i want to die."
i'm the only one who survived
even if I didn't deserve it
i've lost those that matter the most
they're all gone
my family,
my love,
my friends,
none of them are coming back
it's all my fault
i know
but
my therapist keeps telling me
"i'm okay."
maybe I'll start to believe
if I hear it enough times

feed me
something that's
big enough
for me to
choke on

it's *****
until someone
actually dies

preferably me

Bittersweet.
i was never a fan of that taste--
yet you loved it so much
i hated your grapefruit lip tint the most
and yet the way your lips felt against mine--
it was different.
i mean,
don't get me wrong--
i still hate bittersweet things,
but all because of you--
i might just have to make an exception
it's not as bad as i thought,
but i might need some more convincing--
kisses will do.

Cry for the people who were never given a chance to shed a single tear.

--and at this point,
       i've come to accept
--that what I feel is
       not anxiety,
       nor is it excitement,
       just sheer indifference
--for the future,
       i've already abandoned

a beatiful mess of
     paint splatters
          made more captivating
by the dusting of stars
      --random,
           yet careful
not to leave one area
      untouched, or
           given too much

You don't have the right to build your own self-esteem. All you can really do is rely on those around you. That's why their opinions matter so much, and that's why you're so desperate to appease them. Then, you'll realize that they'd simply disregard your work--all because it came from you. Have someone else present it to them with the illusion of another author's name, and they might even praise it. Act as if only your self-perception matters, but really--the most important is the view of others. If that wasn't true, then people wouldn't be killing themselves. That's how the world works, and that's the mechanism you have to work with.
It's nothing difficult. It's just personal.

You, specifically, are a horrible human being. Live with that knowledge, and soon you'll stop being human.
You'd be a tiny speck of dust in an ever changing planet of specials. Yet no matter how hard you hope, you will never be as special as the others. You'd just be someone so extraordinarily ordinary--because that's who you are and who you ever will be.

It annoys you. It makes you mad. It makes you feel negative, yet all that really is is internalized jealousy. Act as if you're a good person, and soon you'll lose your freedom of speech. Build a persona, and soon that'll be your downfall. Cliche. Obvious. It's predictable and overdone, yet no one ever really stops doing it. You need to keep smiling in order to seem more approachable. You need to be friendly to make friends. That's not true. **** will be attracted to ****. The pathetic will cling to coat tails and so-called friends that are easy to manipulate. It's disgusting, but it's a decent way of living.

i'll wake up
to the sound of
a ringing alarm
and pouring rain
rather than
the sound
of your
sleepy voice
and soft
heart beat

Until you learn to love yourself,
I'll give enough love for the both of us

--and once you do learn,
I'll still love you the same way I've always had

A bunch of fireflies
Freely dancing in the breeze
Just like you and me

I then realize
In the middle of the night;
I'm really hungry

A single cut from my bony wrist--
    up towards my darkened elbow

It's amazing how blood slowly seeps through--
    staining its path a rich crimson hue

A gentle throb before a numbing ache--
    much like before, it's always the same

Shallow wounds are, dare I say--
     nothing more than teasing temptresses of our world today

Blood seeps through, staining its path--
     much like our influence--as we ignore nature's wrath

It's amazing how I still manage to contemplate--
     while ignoring how the cut has become increasingly irate

Shallow wounds

     Shallow wounds

          Shallow wounds.

I really don't understand the sight--
     It just isn't for me--try as I might

Then again, this isn't something I necessarily hate--
     but it surely isn't something I'll try again after this day

Shallow wounds

     Shallow wounds

          Shallow wounds.

Care to give it a try?

   It might not have done it for me--

      but I know it's sure to satisfy.

Sometimes I catch myself feeling--
something strangely indescribable
It's like--no matter the words I use to describe it,
they will never be enough--
to express it to its fullest extent

It's better to just let your body move together with--
the shallow currents of your overflowing emotions

It's better to just let your mind wander--
forever lost in the hollowed echoes of the catacombs

It's better to let your hands be guided--
by the puppet strings visible to only you

But if you keep yourself chained--
all you ever will be is a doll left unnamed

Sometimes I catch myself wondering why--
I seem to hurt myself with--
expectations I will never be able to meet
It hurts, but I just can't stop--
So I keep wondering--
                     Why?
                       Just why?

At the age of six,
I had my first kiss stolen--
by a blue-eyed boy in kindergarten
It wasn't that I disliked the moment
Rather, I felt somewhat indifferent
Was I supposed to feel something?
Warmth, butterflies, disgust--anything?
Still, I smiled and patted his flushed cheek
I wanted him to smile instead of being so meek

> Unfortunately,
they moved away
later that same week <

At the age of nine,
I saw that same boy once more
He was noticeably less cheery than before
Not knowing if he recognized me in that instance
I decided to still take the chance
So I approached him and said,
      "Is the boy from before dead?"
With a roll of his eyes, he sneered,
      "Are you stupid? Can't you see I'm right here?"
I could only shake my head
      "Then why won't you smile for me instead?"

> I think he looked cute
with his eyes wide
and his cheeks red <

At the age of twelve,
We went to the same school
I was the quiet kid, and he was the class fool
We were a fairly strange combination
But we fit well despite the little complications

> Life went on
pleasantly soft and silent--
without any confrontations <

At the age of fifteen,
That was when he then confessed
For so long his feelings had been repressed
I was honest--I couldn't return what he felt
It was alarming to see his expression melt
It wasn't that liking the same *** was bad
But I just didn't feel the same things he had

> determined, he said--
      "I'll try again next time!"
it made me surprisingly glad <

At the age of eighteen,
I started to explore the idea of romance
I even thought about possibly giving him a chance
But naive little me decided to go with someone new
Someone that I admittedly barely knew
Still, we had pretty much barely started
I was eager with the direction we were headed

> If only--
those happy little thoughts
had actually lasted <

At the age of twenty-one,
As you were busy nursing your broken heart
You and I slowly grew apart
I hated not having you by my side
But I knew that wasn't something for me to decide
I was still with my first love, surprisingly
Though we were starting to become a bit shaky

> Later that night, I came to you--
quivering lips and tear stained cheeks
i found out that he was cheating on me <

At the age of twenty-four,
After I put my silly little relationship to an end
Me and you gradually became even closer friends
It was amazing how your feelings still remained--
Even after all the mistakes I've made
It makes me wonder what it is that you see
To keep you from simply giving up on me

> Still, I couldn't
get rid of this nagging feeling
inside of me <

At the age of twenty-seven,
I finally gave you the answer you wanted
It even felt like a giant weight had been lifted
Sometimes I wonder if I had just been confused
Maybe the idea was just something I stupidly refused
What I thought were only feelings of friendship--
Were actually desires for a more intimate relationship
It amazed me how little I understood about myself
So, I wanted to learn--
      not just about me,
              but about you as well.

< I wonder if I fell for you when--
I started referring to you as "you"--
instead of just "him" >

Everyday just seems like a battlefield--
A one-sided war that I can only hope to conquer
Nothing about it seems remotely fair
Yet I was never given a voice for them to hear

> i need you <

I brandish my rusted sword
I ready my porcelain shield
Both so comically breakable
Much like the fragments of my shattered will

> please take me away <

My lips quiver with fearful anticipation
My eye lids shut in hopeful surrender
I tighten my grip and let out a shallow breath

> anywhere but here <

This is it--
    this is my impending death
Were there really--
    no other options left for me to take?
Or was I just too busy--
    wallowing in an ocean of my own mistakes?

> save me <

I wasn't ready--
        I never was.

< please >

But I'll try--
        just like how I always do.

When he kisses me,
I repeat this in my head,
'Kinkshame, not kinksame'

Beer bottle lights,
Upright gentlemen with silver linings
Spinning records on thumping turntables
The wretched melody of infidelity
An ode to the root of all evil

Staggered stupor,
Dripping poison from the serpent's tongue
Heated memories, tentative bites,
Broken homes.
Dreams swallowed by shattered spikes

Heightened sugar rush,
Frantic gestures,
A reckless tango,
Changing tides,
A newfound gift to be held
Soon to be torn apart

A strand of hair,
Crooked past reflections
The forbidden fruit of artificial boundaries
A tangled web of repetitive excuses
Decisive nods

Barren walls,
Torn frames,
Passive regrets,
Tightened knots,
A gust of wind,
Fin.

It all started with a curious peck on the cheek.

Her body was pressed against mine, and I held on to her small waist--making sure to lift her up just enough so that she could reach my face. Her feet hovered over the ground, and her palms laid flat against my chest. Her usually pale cheeks took on a light rosy tint, and her lips lifted up into an innocent, little smile as she finally leaned back.

It was...very cute.

I couldn't exactly say anything about her eyes since they were covered by a black piece of cloth.
It was a bit surprising how willingly she followed my request--simply because she knew how much I hated it when people saw my face.

I suppose that she had her own motives as well.
"I'm done!"
Still, was one kiss on the cheek really worth it for all her troubles?
"You can put me down now."

I didn't think so.

"Wha--?"
I didn't let her finish as I gently pressed my lips against hers.

They were incredibly soft.
Just how I expected them to be.

She let out a faint squeak of surprise, and soon it turned into a soft whimper as she weakly responded to the kiss. Her movements were hesitant, but with the way her hands grasped my shirt so tightly, I knew she was unwilling to let me go.

Maybe.
Just maybe.

I felt the same way.

A quiet yawn, and a soft pop of bones coming into place could be heard from the bedroom as one of its owners slowly rose from her short slumber. She wasn't meant to be awake until the afternoon, but it was a bit difficult for her to break the habit of waking early.

Looking off to the side, a small smile quickly made its way to her lips as she saw that her partner was still fast asleep. Supressing the urge to snap a quick picture, she slowly made her way out of the bed, making sure to leave a pillow on her spot just in case her lover decided to cuddle in his sleep a bit.

He always did love holding her close--regardless of whether or not he was awake--and she loved letting him do it.

Using the back of her hand to gently rub the sleep away from her still blurry eyes, she made a quick trip to the bathroom. Being in just her underwear wasn't exactly going to be enough protection from the chilly morning air, but she was a bit too lazy and sluggish to fetch proper clothing.

She was hoping that she could use it as an excuse for him to warm her up with plenty of hugs later on when he wakes up.

Once that was all said and done, she immediately went to the kitchen. Admittedly, she was never really all that good in cooking, but it wouldn't hurt to try and make an effort for her sleeping beauty. Making sure to grab her striped apron, she got to work on their breakfast.

Going back to the bedroom, her lover had just woken up as well. With a soft groan, and a displeased frown on his lips, he looked towards his side.

She was gone.

It was no wonder that he had suddenly woken up from his dreamless sleep.

Still, once hearing the faint echo of pans, and footsteps from their kitchen, his frown immediately disappeared. With a content sigh, he went to the bathroom to freshen up a bit, before immediately going to the kitchen.

He leaned against the side of the entryway and watched as she hummed and seemingly skipped around the kitchen. He was never much of a morning person, but he did love to watch her cook, and that was enough to keep his usual grumpiness at bay. It was amusing how happy she was while cooking, and at the same time, he couldn't help but feel incredibly grateful that she had decided to completely give herself to him.

He considered himself to be a lucky man.

Even if he might not realize it, she undoubttedly felt the same way about him.

With a chuckle, he quietly made his way to her. Placing both of his hands on either side of her, he had successfully trapped her between him and the kitchen counter. Feeling her body jump a bit in surprise, he didn't hesitate to lean down and press a soft kiss to her exposed neck. It had always amused him how small she was compared to him.

Their size difference had been one of her many insecurities, but admittedly, he actually liked it--especially whenever they idly cuddle while watching movies, or even doing nothing.

"Good morning~" her voice was soft and sweet with hints of sleepiness still mixed in.

"G'morning." He continued to press kisses to her neck, making sure to pay extra attention to the still-visible hickeys from last night. She was a bit rigid at first, but slowly, her body relaxed, and she allowed herself to lean against him. She tilted her head to the side, giving him much better access to her sensitive neck.

"What, no morning kisses?" She teased and decided to stop what she was currently doing. He was being too much of a welcomed distraction, and she didn't want any accidents to happen because of it.

No sooner, he gently grabbed her chin to tilt her head to face him, and pressed a kiss to her still-parted lips.
The kiss was short, and sweet, but it didn't really seem to be enough for the both of them.

"One more?"
He didn't need to be told twice. In fact, he would be happy to repeat it multiple times for her. True to what he thought, he did it again, and again, and again--with each one being more intense than the last.

The only reason he stopped was when he noticed that her chest heaved, and that they were both out of breath. Still, he would be lying if he said that he didn't want more.

It didn't exactly take long for him to ask, "Would it be alright if we skipped to dessert first, love?"

Trapped in her dazed state, all she could do in response was nod.

Despite all the scars and blackened wounds
Despite all the lies and reassuring coos
Despite all the pills and momentary escapes
Despite all the breakdowns and spontaneous rage
It would always make me wonder,
         how you shatter with just a simple phrase,

"i will die for you"








and i did.