At the age of six,
I had my first kiss stolen--
by a blue-eyed boy in kindergarten
It wasn't that I disliked the moment
Rather, I felt somewhat indifferent
Was I supposed to feel something?
Warmth, butterflies, disgust--anything?
Still, I smiled and patted his flushed cheek
I wanted him to smile instead of being so meek

> Unfortunately,
they moved away
later that same week <

At the age of nine,
I saw that same boy once more
He was noticeably less cheery than before
Not knowing if he recognized me in that instance
I decided to still take the chance
So I approached him and said,
      "Is the boy from before dead?"
With a roll of his eyes, he sneered,
      "Are you stupid? Can't you see I'm right here?"
I could only shake my head
      "Then why won't you smile for me instead?"

> I think he looked cute
with his eyes wide
and his cheeks red <

At the age of twelve,
We went to the same school
I was the quiet kid, and he was the class fool
We were a fairly strange combination
But we fit well despite the little complications

> Life went on
pleasantly soft and silent--
without any confrontations <

At the age of fifteen,
That was when he then confessed
For so long his feelings had been repressed
I was honest--I couldn't return what he felt
It was alarming to see his expression melt
It wasn't that liking the same *** was bad
But I just didn't feel the same things he had

> determined, he said--
      "I'll try again next time!"
it made me surprisingly glad <

At the age of eighteen,
I started to explore the idea of romance
I even thought about possibly giving him a chance
But naive little me decided to go with someone new
Someone that I admittedly barely knew
Still, we had pretty much barely started
I was eager with the direction we were headed

> If only--
those happy little thoughts
had actually lasted <

At the age of twenty-one,
As you were busy nursing your broken heart
You and I slowly grew apart
I hated not having you by my side
But I knew that wasn't something for me to decide
I was still with my first love, surprisingly
Though we were starting to become a bit shaky

> Later that night, I came to you--
quivering lips and tear stained cheeks
i found out that he was cheating on me <

At the age of twenty-four,
After I put my silly little relationship to an end
Me and you gradually became even closer friends
It was amazing how your feelings still remained--
Even after all the mistakes I've made
It makes me wonder what it is that you see
To keep you from simply giving up on me

> Still, I couldn't
get rid of this nagging feeling
inside of me <

At the age of twenty-seven,
I finally gave you the answer you wanted
It even felt like a giant weight had been lifted
Sometimes I wonder if I had just been confused
Maybe the idea was just something I stupidly refused
What I thought were only feelings of friendship--
Were actually desires for a more intimate relationship
It amazed me how little I understood about myself
So, I wanted to learn--
      not just about me,
              but about you as well.

< I wonder if I fell for you when--
I started referring to you as "you"--
instead of just "him" >

Everyday just seems like a battlefield--
A one-sided war that I can only hope to conquer
Nothing about it seems remotely fair
Yet I was never given a voice for them to hear

> i need you <

I brandish my rusted sword
I ready my porcelain shield
Both so comically breakable
Much like the fragments of my shattered will

> please take me away <

My lips quiver with fearful anticipation
My eye lids shut in hopeful surrender
I tighten my grip and let out a shallow breath

> anywhere but here <

This is it--
    this is my impending death
Were there really--
    no other options left for me to take?
Or was I just too busy--
    wallowing in an ocean of my own mistakes?

> save me <

I wasn't ready--
        I never was.

< please >

But I'll try--
        just like how I always do.

The best mistake I made
Was believing
as a child
In the idyllic world
Of pixie dust strewn fairy tales
Laughing at the prospect
Of a strange world
Where happiness
Wasn't always there to stay
Where the triumph of good over evil
Didn't necessarily happened
Where those who professed
To love you dearly
Didn't always turned distant
Where sleeping beauties
Didn't always woke up
Where the shining sun
Didn't always warmed your frostbitten skin
Where a beating heart
Wasn't always a sign of life
Where being older
Didn't always meant
Being stronger
Where bruised knees and scarred wrists
Weren't always a consequence
of slipping on the stairs
Or tripping on the sidewalk
I happily believed
In a world
Which I realized
When I grew up
Could only exist
In the realms
Of my heartfelt dreams
But could never be real

When he kisses me,
I repeat this in my head,
'Kinkshame, not kinksame'