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Aug 2018 · 119
Untitled
Aoife Aug 2018
Untitled
I’ve missed you before you were even here.

There have been too many a night spent imagining who you are, how you must be like. Wondering the sound of your voice, would you giggle or cry. Or call out my name. Wishing a whiff of your hair and your skin, soft to the touch; ever softer still to the longing of my heart that you would melt away when I opened my eyes.

There have been too many a night spent talking about you. It would be my most favourite thing to do. I could spend hours talking about someone I wish I knew. I could spend hours would that my body needed no rest nor my mind needed no quiet. I could spend hours in peace, thinking of you with love and misery knowing that that would be the closest I would ever be to you.

I have spent years waiting for you. I must have spent a lifetime wishing the touch of your soul was real.
Continue reading...
Aug 2016 · 291
Smoke
Aoife Aug 2016
Smoke
'****!'

That's what it sounds like in my mind
when people disappear;
when you no longer get to see them
you no longer get to know them
because you no longer exist to them.

'****!'
Like magic.
A great Houdini act.
Black magic.
Witchcraft.

'****!'
In that puff of smoke
that billow and wisp and dissipate
before my mind's eye
I see the strands snap, one by one, in the heat.

My thoughts race through galaxies
at a speed to beat sunlight from reaching the earth first.

'Was it easy to just disappear?'

'Just like that?'

'Why?'

'What did I do wrong?'

'Why is it always me?'

'Was I not worth at least word?

Not even the effort of a breath?'

I used to think that that all had mattered,
that I wanted all those important answers
to all those petty questions
until I realized that it might be too late...

I froze in horror at the smell of smoke
of a fire that had been spreading,
crashing down all around me
in waves of liquid fire
that looked cool as ice.

My bridges were burning.

I didn't know I had lit a torch.
3am thoughts.
Continue reading...
Aug 2016 · 267
Doors
Aoife Aug 2016
Doors
There has been a riot in the streets
a hustle of talk,
and gossip, and rumours
wonders of who was behind all those doors.

Every now and then
there'd be a new door on the street
a door that leads to nowhere.

Some nights it'd be a nice new door,
with a stained glass window
or a thick coat of paint.

Other nights it'd be just a ratty old one,
looking like splinters held together by the sheer will
of the painter.

The artist.

There have been talk of
where those doors might possibly lead to;
Wonderland, perhaps.
Narnia, maybe.
Hell, some say, coz it's the Devil's door.

I brush those thoughts away
when I watch the brush carefully
making sure to get the details just right.
Been feeling a little edgy tonight.

I decided to make it simple tonight;
nothing fancy,
nothing showy,
nothing fierce.
A simple wooden door.

Some people call me crazy,
scrambled in the head,
coz I paint doors onto brick walls
night after night.

That I do, night after night,
with emptiness and hope,
waiting for the day something good
will break through those walls,
and through the cracks of the doors I've painted.

That the impossibly good will find us.
3am thoughts.
Continue reading...
Aug 2016 · 185
Untitled
Aoife Aug 2016
Untitled
I stand cold and shallow
under the smallest shine of light
and so very often
all I can do is look silently back at you.

Perhaps I reflect you,
the way, in any way,
your eyes look into mine.

Perhaps in some way, I can feel
that cold burn of anger
seep under my skin
like third degree burns.

Perhaps I always knew
that needle of distrust
lodged in the small of my back
like a gentle touch of a lover's hand.

And rarely, I feel a warmth
break through the cool surface
and into the realm that is me;
whatever I am.

And only then, I realize,
I became.

Like a breath of life,
spring, and a new beginning;
perhaps finally I feel the touch of sunlight
and I bask in the warmth.

Your eyes try to hide
but I inadvertently see it all
the hot and the cold,
pins and knives and the lack of your shadow

I wonder which one of us demands it all back?
Beating against the surface to break it all free.
But never to save me.
To take it all back, and never to save me.

And when a shadow casts over me,
and you are no longer there,
I struggle in the cold
with memories of a warmth

A dilemma,
a constant battle,
a madness
and amidst it all, this mirror might shatter.
Continue reading...
Jun 2016 · 259
Lapse
Aoife Jun 2016
Lapse
A tingle, a spark, a shock
an excitement in the air
settles in my lungs
and surges through my veins.

A quiver, a tremble, a tremor,
vibrations shook my heart,
electrifying, stupefying,
stopped me cold.

A moment so small it was barely there,
but I'd caught it.
A voice in my head
an intuitive grasp at thin air.

My grip so tight, I can barely breathe.
My lungs, my heart.
A moment so small, it had a massive hold on me.
A moment so fleeting, it stayed with me forever.
Continue reading...
Jun 2016 · 202
Untitled
Aoife Jun 2016
Untitled
I had foolishly mistaken
Your kindness

I had foolishly believed
That life was finally beginning

I had foolishly wanted
So much to belong

But you
The last person I'd ever expect
You

Proved me wrong.
Continue reading...
Mar 2016 · 226
they are
Aoife Mar 2016
they are
Like tyrants bellowing, roaring, thrashing and pillaging.

Like volatile waves in a storm,
brawling among themselves for no prize.

Like the winds howling as if lost,
as if calling out for someone or something.

They’re all angry.

In the middle of it all, there you stand. And you scream.

You scream till your face turns red, till every muscle in your body tenses up; you go on till there’s not a breath left in you. Then and only then will they hear you.

The tyrants ceased. The waves settled and the winds stopped.
They watch you expectantly; the heat of their anger still burned within them.

You catch your breath and you burn right back at them.
Continue reading...
Mar 2016 · 243
heavier than feathers
Aoife Mar 2016
heavier than feathers
I am a ****** of crows,
my numbers blot out the sun,
killing daylight.

I am an unkindness of ravens flying,
casting a shroud of despair over the world,
dimming all hope.

I am a parliament of owls sitting high above,
a council of seers into the dark.
I see everything in the skies.

I am a cast of hawks at the ready
to strike the foreign down;
a war breaking out across the sky.

I am an exaltation of larks running away.
I keep a trail of my song lingering;
my way back home.

I am a flight of doves dirtied and grey,
returning from beyond the horizon.
I will show you the way.
Continue reading...
Mar 2016 · 178
when they leave me
Aoife Mar 2016
when they leave me
I would already have...

I still do...

I am still...

I am trying...

But I can't...

Even though I want to...

Even if they say I have to...

I can't...

Because I still do...

And I wish you would...

I wish you would...

I wish you would...

Even though I don't know how...

I still want...

I still try...

And always, always...

I already have...
Continue reading...
Mar 2016 · 186
If you looked at it that way
Aoife Mar 2016
If you looked at it that way
Have you ever seen such a good day
that gets you smiling
just thinking about it?

That you know if you had died
in your sleep that night,
you would have done so
with no more regrets.

It's the kind of day
that makes you feel it's alright
to be incomplete.

That every corner of your universe
has been ventured with the utmost courage
Every unanswered question does not matter
Every wonder awed and inspired
And every piece of the puzzle
has fitted each other perfectly.

Have you ever seen a better day
than the day you are about to end
in just a few minutes?
Note to self.
Continue reading...
Mar 2016 · 413
Blueprint
Aoife Mar 2016
Blueprint
Resilience.

Do what is right. Life is too complicated to live like a saint, but you try the best you can. You fix what you have broken. You try, try, try again.

Patience.

A person is a person nonetheless; human and equal. It is not your place to judge another; we err just the same.
"Do unto others what you would have others do unto you."

Know your place in life.
You don't ever need a reason to be kind, and there is no such thing as a reason to be cruel.

Trust your instincts.
When in doubt, ask again and again, and know that the answer that comes again and again, good or bad, is an answer you must take.

Put away your pride. Put away envy, greed, gluttony, wrath, lust and sloth.
Humble yourself before the day you will be humbled into the earth.

Honour. Dignity. Integrity. Honesty. Respect.
Don't be afraid to stand up for what you believe in. Fight for what is important.
Be fearless, and be good.
To know foolishness is the be wise.

Clarity. Truth. Faith. Hope. Loyalty. Love

Love those who love you.
Stay with those who stay with you.
Be present for those who wait for you.
Receive what you are given but give.

Keep giving. You will not lose out.
Go every distance you can because you can.
Rise and meet the challenge. Don't be afraid, you will never lose out.

You know who you are.
Nebisties justies.
See the colours.

No regrets.

Be fascinated.
Be in awe.
Keep seeing wonders.

Dream.

Create.

When it hurts, it's fine.
Keep your centre, stand your ground.

I'll see you there.
Continue reading...
Mar 2016 · 334
Superhero
Aoife Mar 2016
Superhero
I had always known
from young
that I had superpowers.

But I knew I was no superhero.

I had always had this foresight
into what would happen
to the people around me.

Like dominoes,
I could always see the pieces tumble;
one into the next
and the next
and then the rest.
A story unfolds as though written
by my own wretched hand.

I would watch
in absolute fear
when it all came true.

I had always been able to catch
the tiniest of emotions
that stirred in the still air.
I hear it like a voice
screaming to be heard.
Screaming in the sound of
my own voice.
And it deafens the world.

But my strongest ability...
A blessing at times, but at the same time
my most cursed one.

I had always been invisible.
Always on the brink of non-existence.
Had I always been a villain then
were I no superhero?
Continue reading...
Mar 2016 · 184
Untitled
Aoife Mar 2016
Untitled
It was meant for me that we met

And it was meant for me when you left

I know now it is enough that you were in my life at all.
Continue reading...
Feb 2016 · 196
Cemetery
Aoife Feb 2016
Cemetery
I want things to remember by,
lest I forget.

Things that will break me,
again and again.

My world slowly become one of gravestones,
of people and places and moments passed.

Remembrance so that I know I have existed at least once,
memories so that I know I can stay.

And hope,
so that I know I can go.
Continue reading...
Feb 2016 · 931
Ta'burnee
Aoife Feb 2016
Ta'burnee
Half my life ago, my late grandfather had to bury the love of his life.

Ta'burnee, I had heard him say it to her once. He told me it literally means "You bury me."

I saw the sentiment of the phrase on his face as he leaned over her still body, touching his lips so gently to her wrinkled forehead, ever so careful not to let a tear drop onto her.

How could he let her last moments with him be showered with his sadness? Only love, he had promised himself.

You bury me.

God willing, I would rather go before you because I know I would not survive without you. You bury me because I love life, and it is not life without you.

What good are my eyes if I am not able to see you anymore? I would go deaf if I am not able to hear your voice. I would not feel, or smell or taste. My life would be reduced to a purpose of existence, an existence so light, it is empty.

You bury me because I am not strong enough to endure the pain of being incomplete.

You bury me because I need you more than you need me. Because even though I've gone, I will always be with you. I will always look after you.

You bury me because I cannot stay without you. I don't want to stay without you.

See me off after our life together. With no regrets, my love. See me off with our love for each other, and please love me still. God willing we will see each other again.

So you bury me, love.

Half my life later, as we buried him we hoped they have found each other again.
Continue reading...
Feb 2016 · 221
Just her as her and her name.
Aoife Feb 2016
Just her as her and her name.
And I've been thinking of her almost every time I'm not thinking of anything else. Which has been a lot.

Not thinking about anything about her, but just her... as her.

Not memories of her,
or her features,
or her personality,
or what she means to me or how I feel about her.

It's like I can't help but think about her and wonder why I'm thinking about her. Why I'm thinking about all of them, sometimes.

It's like instead of my mind going blank from thinking and overthinking and burning out, it goes to her.

She is all that blankness.

She's in the breaths of my conversations, the gaps between my thoughts, the anxious pounds of my heart against my bones, and the beat of my footsteps on my way home.

And I am all those insignificant pauses in time.

She's not in the back of my mind, but rather it feels like all my other thoughts are just threads leading to the thought of her.

Just her as her and her name.

As though stripped to the barest of her,
I think about her soul.
I had written this a long time ago, during a bad turn, about a really good friend I wish I had done right by.
#name
Continue reading...
Dec 2015 · 238
unlike you
Aoife Dec 2015
unlike you
It was so very unlike you
that it always surprised me
You have this whole other person
I wish I had the pleasure of getting to know

It always feels like a light-year away
from every person I fell in love with
Like a void that keeps me in a bubble
where my mistakes will reach you much faster than
my intentions can show themselves

So for when you would finally know
that I am, too, unlike me
Continue reading...
Dec 2015 · 275
Untitled
Aoife Dec 2015
Untitled
"Give what you wish to receive."

I've clawed out of a hole
and bitten myself to stay
in the light.

Sometimes I wonder
if you were supposed to keep some
for yourself?

Or else you would have been left empty.
Just a shell.

No longer someone,
merely a name

That everyone will forget.
Continue reading...
Dec 2015 · 306
I remember, when I was young and reckless,
Aoife Dec 2015
I remember, when I was young and reckless,
...suddenly having a blade between my fingers. I suddenly saw blood ooze out so slowly into beads that then trickle down my arms. Too many lines down the inside of my arm to even begin to count. The blood makes it harder.

...crying, but I can't remember over what exactly. Everything had melded together into one big swirl of emotion, a non-thought in my head. A smog of confusion. A tingling in my fingertips and I dropped the blade.

...feeling a sort of awe as I see a tear drop onto my arm, into the mess of blood. And I see the colour run, diluted. I bit my lip, wondering if I had really meant to get this far. It wasn't much of a fear of death, but a feeling of loss of life. Of a life I used to dream of achieving.

...my mother's tears when she helped to clean the blood away. The redness of my brother's eyes as he watched quietly. I remember seeing raw red lines on my pale skin. How quiet my brother was when he patched me up.

...how my mother hadn't gotten angry, but instead and for once, she seemed to see my struggle all those times. She seemed to understand what I really needed then. She held my hand. She might have said something but I didn't hear her. I wouldn't have remembered because everything that really needed to be said was in her hands, in her arms when she hugged me. I remember how my brother had put his arm around my shoulders and kissed my hair. I remember how that was the first time they saw the side of me that I had been struggling with for years.

I remembered this moment today, thinking of how it had been a little over three years. Thinking of all the ways I was saved.
Continue reading...
Nov 2015 · 219
Untitled
Aoife Nov 2015
Untitled
I tremble each time someone passes through me
A shudder for every gaze that burns right past

My voice is that ringing in your ears
when it is all too quiet
The imaginative chirping
when it is all too awkward

My words are the spaces in between yours...
Empty.
Unheeded.

I look at my shadow as it looks back at me
My reflection looks away.

I look behind me as I walk
Wondering if I left footprints
Knowing that I weigh nothing more
than a shrug off your shoulders
Continue reading...
Nov 2015 · 398
Midas
Aoife Nov 2015
Midas
I call you Midas, like the king with the golden touch.

A gift to turn all you come into contact with into prizes of gold, like you do. In simple gestures of smiles and laughter, that lifts the atmosphere, and brightens the gloom. In the mean determination to turn your work into gold. And you do. You have a heart of gold.

You keep your garden of pristine roses away from the world; your most prized possession. A secret, a story, an emotion in every rose. Only you would dare walk through the garden of thorns, knowing they could cut you, knowing every cut was just a revisit to a moment passed. You take a walk through the garden, each time in contemplation or in search of some revelation; each time the garden grew in the number of roses.

A kind heart, of fair judgment, and noble air. A mind to skit across thoughts that need not bother you, and only delve into the deepest that drown you. A heart of gold… and heart hardened like gold. You have touched your own heart to protect yourself.
Continue reading...
Nov 2015 · 1.5k
I want you safe, dear.
Aoife Nov 2015
I want you safe, dear.
It’s being kept safe from harm. Being kept away from any physical danger or injury. Kept from bad company. Kept away from illness and misfortunes. From misdeeds and misgivings. To be safe and sound.

It’s being kept from hurt. Safe from emotional distress, from emotional pains and heartache. No more tears in your eyes from that. No more scars.

It’s being safe in His good graces. Safe in the strength of faith to hold on. The empowerment of one's own will to overcome hardships. It is the sureness to be able to overcome anything. It is a promise of goodness in life, in the hereafter and forever.

It’s being loved, and knowing it, feeling it. It’s being happy and content, with whatever you have. It’s knowing that you need not sigh of worry or regret or sadness. That the only sadness you have in life is entitled to you, instead of ones ****** upon you.

Safe is knowing love in the pureness of its meaning. It’s seeing the nakedness of the beauty of life. Safe is seeing that there are no two similar shades of colours in this world. Safe is knowing you can close your eyes wherever you are, and take in a deep breath, and tasting the air on your tongue, and feeling it fill your lungs, and not even worry about the beating of your own heart.

Safe is knowing that no matter how many times you've fallen, you get back up just the same. Safe is looking back at burdens, however heavy, and knowing that even they cannot bring you down. Safe is the helplessness you feel when you see just how vast the universe is. Safe is knowing that there is fear, but not one that can consume you. It is knowing that life is so much more than a set of rules or your own heart to follow. It is seeing how complex life is, and being able to forgive that complexity.

A safety that is not to be sought after but to be found. It is not a person, a thing, or a forever, but it is in small moments, that there is a true and absolute tranquility throughout your very being, from your very core, one that brings a smile to your lips instantly. That in that small moment, everything is so grand. Everything just falls into place. Everything is alright.

Safe is being hopeful. It is feeling hope.
Continue reading...
Nov 2015 · 305
Trigger
Aoife Nov 2015
Trigger
She's ticking like crazy
Buzzing with electricity
Do you see it?

The crackles at each curl of her lips
She flickers every time she blinks

She is like lightning
The crack of a whip
A flash
An explosion
Roots reach from the clouds
The biggest spectacle in the sky

Everyone looks in spite of her blinding glare
And then she's gone.
The image of her burned in your eyelids.

You close your eyes longingly.
Continue reading...
Nov 2015 · 287
may the black water come for me
Aoife Nov 2015
may the black water come for me
I am an imperium of salt and smoke.
Mine a kingdom of one and all.
My castle up on clouds on the ground.
Majestic like a house of cards.

A blind king sits upon a broken throne.
A ghost and a statue the protectors at my gate.
A poet in my tower with a rose in his hands,
bleeding ink from the thorns.
A fairy wanders on the winds like echoes from beyond my walls.
A siren sits by a lake of black water,
and sings a silent song for the moon.

The moon calls upon the black water,
and sends its hunger in tides against my fortress.
The blind king smiles;
the bonfire burns safely within my walls.

Then a coward comes in seek of sanctuary.
Within my walls his madness infects me,
renders strife upon me, begets uproar,
and tears me asunder.

Madness infects my kingdom of one and all.
Obsessed, they destroy each other.
My kingdom falls into desolation.
Punishment for my pride, I become an imperium ruined.
Continue reading...
Nov 2015 · 255
we think of you
Aoife Nov 2015
we think of you
As one and another, we are flawed. Together, we understand.

We ran unmoving against the hurricane wind.
We stay forever afloat in the sinking quicksand.
We are perfectly flawed, in the flawless circle,
together we are alone.

The night is bright in the glare of the darkness.
The stars have gone out looking for you,
while you sit in the darkness waiting for them.

The cold burned at our skin
we huddled for warmth
and for comfort
and we flinched at them both.

We remember that we are forgotten,
together we are alone.

Listening to the silence of the world,
eavesdropping, we thought we were,
so we cover our ears in embarrassment.

We are alone and we are embarrassed,
in the darkness where no one can see us,
in the silence we made no noise.
Do we want to be found?

We sit here together alone,
forever being just a “once”,
and then we think of you.

Our perfection is in you, as your flaws are in us.
The world moves as we stay stuck.

We are stuck as we think of you,
and you’ll only live as we think of you,
and we merely exist as we think of you.
Continue reading...
Nov 2015 · 271
Waiting for Forever
Aoife Nov 2015
Waiting for Forever
I have breathed you into me, and feel you fill my lungs with such presence that you do not escape; you stay a pressure in my chest. And it hits me: what have I been doing all this while? When this is what it must really feel like to breathe.

I am at last living.

And then you seep into my bloodstream and you trail your touch throughout every inch of my body. You know me. For once I feel the tingling warmness of being alive. Suddenly everything simply makes sense.

You become imperative to me. You are wired into me. My senses know you. Every neuron in my body labours for you. Every instinct an effort to make you smile, laugh, to make you happy and to keep you safe. It becomes a reflex, second nature.

You are innate to me.

With this pressure in my chest, what do I need with air?
Continue reading...
Nov 2015 · 248
If it exists
Aoife Nov 2015
If it exists
I fear you.
I fear your influence,
how you affect me.
Butterfly wings.

How easily I can fall prey to you.
You are both poison and antidote.
You are still perfect.
Flawless in my eyes,
I cast my eyes downward.

I still want you safe.
I still want you happy.
Really really happy.

Not a place.
Not a here or a there.
It's wherever I am..
Whatever I am..
Whoever I am..
I will still be...
Simply even merely be,
for you.

Just close your eyes.
Continue reading...
Nov 2015 · 277
Cipher's Song
Aoife Nov 2015
Cipher's Song
Take my name off the wall, for you have no regard for it.

Take my place off this earth, for I can cast no shadow.

Take my soul out of eternity, for I am less than mortal.

Take my love out of your reach, for I shall no longer exist.
Continue reading...
Nov 2015 · 311
Supernova
Aoife Nov 2015
Supernova
I am haemorrhaging. My life is haemorrhaging right out of me. I feel faint like a distant star on a foggy night. Oh where is the moon?

I burn too weakly now, masked by shadows that the wayward children lose their way home. They stay lost in the cold and crying, 'Oh where am I?'

Where have the other stars gone to, disappeared from their posts? They run away; they run out to play. But the children are still crying. Oh what do I do? What do I do?

I am haemorrhaging light, but it is still not enough to light the way home. In furrowed frustration, where are the other stars? In determined desperation, I light myself ablaze.

A heat grows within, and I haemorrhage more. Brighter and brighter I burn, piercing through the galaxy, through the dark void of space and through the foggiest of nights.

Look.

The children look up to see the northern star shining so brightly; too brightly that they are afraid to move. What is wrong? They asked me.
My voice quavers under the strain. Go home, I pray. Be safe. I can only burn this one last time for you.

This spectacle of mine drew the others home; they ask me with jeers, with curiosity, with worry. What are you doing? Why are you doing this?

I give the stars no answer but a question instead, where have you been?

And then the walls in me cave in and I explode.

A burst of light so bright it blinds. So bright it is burned into the eyes of the children that each time they close their eyes, they will see me. See me lighting their way home. But look up at the night sky now, and I am gone. I have burned out.

In all absolution and regret, I am returned into stardust.

Oh where am I now?
Continue reading...
Nov 2015 · 243
Yellow
Aoife Nov 2015
Yellow
Yours is the colour of smiles and new beginnings
The rays of the sun that fall with mercy unto our sight
Of a flame that keeps us safely warm and tight

It is the shine of stars martyred for our dreams
The madness in a lion’s eyes,
Of bravery and pride
Tooth and nail for every wronged right
Of majesty and just

And justly so.

You cower before your maker
So verily justly so.
It is the colour of the universe
Vast and unknowing
As is your soul.
Continue reading...

— The End —