What is pain to me.
Is it the ability to be trapped in my head unfree?
Is it the way I stutter and sound?
Is it the way my world turns around?
I feel I deserve my pain.
I deserve to feel such a strain
I deserve all of these scars
I deserve to feel behind bars
I deserve to feel trapped
Like my head is in an infinate wrap
I am this pain.
It will never go away or get better
It will be here forever.
I need this pain.
I didn't speak today.
Maybe it's just one of those days but deep down I know It isn't.
I didn't speak yesterday.
Many don't know what it's like to forget your own voice. I do know.
I didn't speak last week.
It's hard to get words out of my mouth. Many don't know what it's like to be the person who doesn't speak.
I didn't speak last month.
I may not talk but inside I have a voice to share. People don't hear it but they can read it. Inside I talk without a stutter. Inside I can yell and scream.
My voice doesn't show my emotion my eyes do.
I didn't speak last year.
I've been called mute. That isn't true. I can speak. They just don't want to hear what I have to say. When I try to speak I always get cast away.
I spoke today. And nobody listened.
I am at war.
I am at war with myself.
Sometimes the good wins sometimes the bad and it shows itself on my face, on my arms and my legs.
This is a battle where no matter the outcome.
This war inside of me. It hurts. Like I'm being ripped in half. I hate that I feel like this but at the same time I crave it.
I belong in misery. I don't deserve happiness or normalness. I deserve this war.
Because in the end.
I am This war.
I've often wondered Am i crazy?
Am i sane? I know these aren't normal thoughts. Why do I always feel all this pain?It feels like all I seem to feel is pain and anguish. I wear it all out but sometime it's death I wish. I tell people and they leave. Is this what I'm worth? They say just point your head north. Well that doesn't work for me anymore. Have you looked at me? Seen the scars I wore? Normal people don't have those. There is a reason I always wear jeans. Why I always have long sleeves.
That light at the end of the tunnel is a lie. It never was there. Because any time I stepped toward it, it got farther away. All of those sorries I said. I don't know if I meant them or not. The only thing that gives me comfort in my sad life is knowing my writing gets read. I don't know what to do anymore.
We knew each other when we were young. We always hung out and had so much fun. I liked you and you liked me. It really wasn't hard to see. I still know you were my first love. You were my white flying dove. Then one day i had to move. I left with your memories, the feeling of your last on my cheek, and a bracelet you gave to me. A Year went by. I thought every day of you. But soon that year turned to two. Five have gone by and I loose hope. I don't think I'll ever see you again I start to tighten the rope. Out of nowhere my computer says your name. I couldn't believe it. I sent you a friend request and you accept. We start talking again catching up. I learn you missed me just as much as I missed you. And soon we talk for a few. Hours fly by I'm the happiest I've ever been. Then I finally hear you say you love me too.
I recently found my first girlfriend. We both missed each other. This is probably the happiest I've ever been!
I don't know what to do anymore. I don't want to get up I just want to lie on this cold hard floor. The voices in my head are finally silenced but at a cost. I feel like my soul is lost. I took something again, maybe it'll **** me. Or maybe I'll just feel better, we'll see. That's the only way this pain leaves. It stops my feelings and stops my grieves. I can't open my eyes now. Maybe it's finally it. I guess we will see in another fit.