why is it
that you complain
that i'm working
all the time
and I do nothing but work
yet when i get home
the first words you tell me
rather than hello
is a list of things that need doing?

how come
you complain
that i'm not a happy person
that i don't smile enough
that i feel pain
both emotional and physical
yet when you find out
you are the cause
of many of my problems
you turn away?

how is it
that you command me
to do my work
quickly and efficiently
yet when I ask
for something so simple
that will let me work harder
in a shorter time
with better results
you deny me?

why is it
that you always talk
about a future of mine
of romance and
of love and
of happy days
and opportunity
yet when i ask
for those things you say I deserve
you shake your head sternly
and say no?

how come
each day
you tell me
school is the priority
and that nothing else matters
yet when i say myself
that i am nothing more
than the value of my gpa
you say that
it simply isn't true

why is it
when i ask how it isn't true
when i ask whet else is there to me
than my grades
and the hours i have
from community service
you have nothing to say?

why is it
you're always complaining
but you never listen
to the solutions
to your own problems?

i don't want to be your problem
but you're making me into one

now that she's no longer here
to kiss them away
or at least offer to,
rather than happening less often
it seems they happen much more

it seems
the rift
will never be healed

how could you
stand there and say
"i love you"
when you don't
have the decency
to say goodbye?

also known as
11 o'clock
also known as
the time i have to go to bed
also known as
the time i have to leave my happy place
also known as
the time for me to get away from my work, but
also known as
the time for me to put away what makes me happy
also known as
the time for me to lie awake for hours
also know as
the time for me to go to war with my thoughts

never known as
anywhere near when I find sleep

i will build you up
from the bottom to the top
taking my time
sculpting you from ideas,
my words and thoughts
the mortar that holds you together
and after some time
you will be standing
tall and proud
you are me
but you're also not me

it is when i finish that i realize
what i was working so hard to put together
was the semblance of a reality i wish i lived in
that close-lipped smile
those brown eyes that seem to host no care in the world
but also that shoulder, unfinished and covered
so the world cannot hope see it

there you are
or there i am
standing in plain sight,
happy and wonderful,
but underneath
that's also not me

the years have dulled the edges of that smile
eroded the brightness of those eyes
that used to have no care, that used to shine
now dark and despondent
the stones packed too tightly together to be moved
to let out what's inside
the real me

and now i realize
i wasn't building this  
this character wasn't built by me
the brick over my heart was placed by another
the glass around my mind was placed by another

the glass
which showcases my mind
yet also burns it
offers it no shade
no rest
yet the glass has grown foggy
so what lies afar is unseen
maybe unattainable

but as the years pass,
and the stone is worn away
all that is left
is a dome of glass
surrounding a mind
limiting it's possibilities
until nothing is left

funny things, names are
evidently not something
destined to be removed
even with a true sense of
real dislike or disgust
including those moments when you are
called your name, and it feels like a
knock to the head

all the time, i want to
leave my own name behind me,
escape it, even if there are no copies, like my
xerox machine has been broken
and i am the only one with my title
no other person is stuck with this
devastating name, yet nobody
else can feel the warmth when
right out of nowhere, someone warms your heart with a new one

gone are the days when i
openly regret my name,
not because i am now a
zealous fan of my title, but because i
am a new me, or trying to be a
little more sure of myself, comfortable with me
even though I still feel like it makes people
zoom their attention in on me

it is hard to put up with my name
mainly because I don't like it
i never had
especially not the initials
but i've survived a few years with it
and gained a few more along the way
and in retrospect
to all of you who don't like your names
***** everyone who doesn't appreciate it
as long as you like it yourself
it's good enough

i don't understand
how you presume to tell me
you want to solve our
miscommunication problem
no
first of all
it is not our problem
it is yours
every time you don't listen to me
every time you take what I say
take my pure, innocent words
and twist their meanings
that is miscommunication
every time you lie about what i said
or act as if i never said anything at all
that is miscommunication
how dare you spend hours each night
complaining about your lack of friends
and the horrid things they do
to a person twice as horrid
how dare you come tell me
that you don't want to be around
people whom you can't talk to
who don't want to listen to what you have to say
people who don't give you time to speak
or when they're mad, turn you away
you do the same thing to me
so maybe i should ignore you
like you say you should ignore them
maybe i should turn away from you
cast you away, curse your name
scream your evil deeds to the world
but no
you forbid it
and a fool, i listen
i listen because i love you
i love you despite everything you've put me through
the **** you've made me feel like
the fractures in my soul that can never feel
the emptiness within me
i still love you
and i hate myself for it
because i can't stop
i can't stop wanting to please you
i can't go against you
how dare you presume to tell me
that you were like me
therefore you understand what i'm feeling
that you're sorry for what i'm feeling
you know nothing
you haven't lived my life
you haven't faced what i've faced
you haven't hurt like i've hurt
you haven't fought like i've fought
you never fought
you never tried
you
you
you did nothing
you stood by and watched
while here i am
actually trying to do something
and you keep beating me down
how dare you
how dare you
and you dare say you love me
how dare you
i love you
but i hate you
you're never going to read this
but even if you did
it wouldn't change anything
because for all the love you say you have
you don't give a **** about me
all you want is control
well
have all the control you want
it's gone in four months
just like i will be
there's nothing left between us
this will be goodbye
you won't miss me
you'll just miss having someone to boss around
and you'll realize too late
that you could have tried
to care
about your son

i came here
to share my thoughts
with the world
without judgement
now i constantly crave
people's acceptance
and understanding
watching the number
of times
something has been viewed
and adding
more unnecessary
spaces between lines
to look more poetic
and be more popular
instead of actually
writing something good

why is it
to feel at home
to feel like peace
i feel like
i have to run
far, far away?

what choices are there, really?
you have what you want to do
and what you're supposed to do

but is there really a choice?
when you're young
all you can do
is what you're
supposed to

you're told by everyone
do what you want
rebel
don't stay the same

they say
you'll change
when the fear of staying the same
is greater
than the fear of change

but if the fear of changing
is too great
does that mean
i'm stuck like this
for the rest
of my life?

can i even call this life
if i can't choose to live?
i want to do more than just survive

but it's not up to me

i sit here
staring at a blank screen
with the word poem
staring back at me

i sit here
unsure what i'm
supposed to be doing
my face reflected
in the dimly lit screen

i know i want to write
but i don't know what else
and the words that usually flow
aren't here
and i'm not quite sure
if it's because i have nothing to say
or because i'm just
tired of it all today

i know what i'm saying
i can see myself saying it
but i don't know if i should
i really shouldn't
but i can't stop myself
and that seems to be my problem

i don't know how to start
or i can't bring myself to start
but once i've started
i can't stop

these words flow
from my mind to my fingertips
almost as if there was no filter
nothing stoping my words
making me think
and it's only after i hit enter
that i realize
i should not have said that
written that
meant that
wanted that

things aren't as they used to be
these are thoughts i should not be having
but i can't seem to stop myself
the thoughts are too wonderful
and i've had too many dark ones
to keep these at bay
but in order to be
what i'm supposed to be
i have to stop them somehow
but it's hard
because i don't want to

see

this started as a poem
and it became a rant
because my thoughts are flowing
like tears down the cheek
of my past self
crouched in a stairwell
my stairwell
well, our stairwell
when where was a we
to make it ours
but really, we never existed, did we?

it was just a dream
a fantasy
flirts and words through a screen
and a couple rebellious actions
fueled by love, and adoration
but that dream has to end

these thoughts must stop
though i don't want them to
they must stop
as if i were still
staring at this screen
with nothing to say

what spews
from people's lips
is seldom supposed to matter
solely idle chatter
harmless little nips
that become news

they spread their words
not really caring
who they hurt
with everything they spurt
and not even daring
to question the mindless herds

it might start as a joke
when they spread their lies
about what they perceive as romance
never giving a real chance
acting like merciless spies
minus the dagger and cloak

words can result in
unintended consequences
and even without hate
they can devastate
lead to doled out sentences
or much chagrin

they don't seem to care
who they talk about
each week
whether strong or weak
through a whisper or shout
or words spoken on a dare

they just talk
perceiving themselves blameless
spreading word of frogs or red hair
with a lighthearted air
without thought to us who are voiceless
who can do naught but gawk

it is hard to fight
something that nobody
believes is a threat
because to them,
it is practically harmless
but they would not like
to be in the places
they put us in
so i say
please
stop talking
about what you
know not of

when you trade
one version of harm
for another
does that mean
you're getting better

or just getting better
at hiding it?

each moment
i begin to
lose my mind

i am not
a fan of
being idle

it makes me think
and that
is never good

they're happening again
the thoughts i know i shouldn't have
i can't seem to fight them off anymore
i'm tired of being me
i'm to weak to change
yet too frustrated to stay the same

i don't know what to do from here
i already have 29
i wish i could add some more
in places where
they might actually matter
but again
i'm too scared
i'm too weak

why can't i change
why can't i do
they one thing i want to do
why won't i let myself be happy?
why can't i love myself?
why won't i risk making the hell i live in
just a little bit worse?
if i did, i could get a spark
of something that makes me better

but i could also
lose everything

i've never been lucky
i don't know if it's worth it
i don't know
i don't know
what to do
who i am
what i stand for

it seems
this is where
my thoughts love to reside
the thoughts
they're happening

sometimes it feels
like i'm dropped
in the middle of a storm
and told to swim back to shore
i'm...
not strong
but i'm not weak
and i know how to swim
so i start the long journey
to what i hope will be better
than these tumultuous waves
the daunting waves that
seem impenetrable
overbearing and
destructive
yet i swim
the only options available
are to go on or die
to use my strength
my patience and energy
in hope of reaching
that heavenly shore
doing nothing but swimming
until i get there
or i could give in
and let the waves win
in the water
the rain falls, the currents
pull this way and that
but i keep on paddling
because that's all i know how to do
and when i get to shore
what i imagined to be
bountiful
beautiful
full of hope and promise
is just a barren land of despair
and i fall to my knees
wondering what i'd done to come here
and knowing it is too late
for things to get better

when you're older you're supposed to
overshadow, not be overshadowed
constantly compared to
one who's similar yet
vastly different
we are not the
same we can
be different
don't ask
me to be
like him


i'm not him

what is a smile
but a mask

what is a laugh
but an act

why do i try my best
to make everyone think
everything is okay

when nothing is?

there's that strange spot
between a rock and a hard place
where one feels a restless immobility
and feels comfortable with inadequacy

when you're too young to be listened to
too young to be respected
too young to be responsible
too young to be understood
and too young to be free

but also too old to be irresponsible
too old to be childish
to old to make mistakes
too old to enjoy yourself
and too old to be free

so when am i supposed to enjoy
life
which they call a gift?
i don't feel very gifted
if i don't get to choose how i live

there's nothing wrong
there's nothing they can see
they can't figure it out
not because it's not there
not because it's difficult
it's because they don't want to believe
that they made a mistake
that they made me
the mess I am

what is time?
is it temporary?
is that all time means?
a way to measure
how long something takes
so valuable, yet
so easily squandered

with you
the river of time,
flowing faster that we think
slows just a bit

each caress, each smile
turns back the tide
stealing seconds and
making them last longer
than i ever thought i'd want

the past 17 eternities pass
in the blink of an eye
compared to the few moments we share
tucked away in the corner
hidden in our own thoughts
safe from the world of worry
of insecurity and shame

hiding from everything but each other

i feel safe
in the most dangerous of places
in her arms
against her lips
under her gaze
on her mind
where i'm not supposed to be
but can't seem to stay away from

when
                                  I   lie
   in                   bed    
i         find                                        
                                              it
               ­     hard
       to                       stay
             focused
  on
                         nothing
         and    
                   sleep
  
i                   think
    way  
                                      too
                 much