“Remember
Remember
The fifth of November...”

Opportunity grew
Like a dandelion in a cracked
Sidewalk.
I had no idea how life would go on,
But ***** dishes continued
Getting washed,
Wind kept blowing,
And cups of tea
Still were made.

It’s only a couple of days shy
Of a year
Since I tried to
Take my own life.

It’s been the best year of my life.

There are still parts of that night
I don’t remember...
I do remember the days following.
How every
Single
Part
If my body
Just ached,
Like nothing I had ever felt before.
And it felt as if
Nothing would ever
Get better,
That I could never be
Better.

“Remember
Remember
The fifth of November,
The gun powder treason
And plot.”

But it did.

The feeling of being in way over my head
Has hardly ever gone away,
Yet things still keep being okay.

The world changed,
And I changed right along side it.

I woke up the morning after,
And I woke up a little more
Each morning following that one.

The decision had been so
Matter of fact...
“I am going to **** myself later tonight.”
I walked down the street through the crunching leaves.
“I have to remember to hug everyone when I say goodbye,
Because I am going to **** myself tonight.”
And the thought had been such a relief.
Imagining letting go,
Was such a relief.

And deciding to take my
Second chance
Was also
So natural,
And obvious.

I built a life
I like.

I made myself
Someone I wanted to be.

I took what I wanted to be an end,
And made it a new beginning.

“I can think of no reason
The gun powder treason
Should ever
Be forgot.”

I remember,
Yes,
I remember,
The fifth of November.

I used to be afraid
Of being honest.
I used to let people’s reactions
Completely rule me.
If it upset someone I loved,
Then I rearranged myself
To fit their needs.

But no more.

You, my love,
Taught me the difference
Between consideration
And fear.
You taught me how to see
The logical fallacies.
You gave me room to breath,
And you never accept,
Anything less than
Brutal
Truth.

I see the difference.
I’ve become the difference.
You showed me love
In a way
I never knew existed.

And the best part?
I get to share it
With you.

Every time
I am angry,
Every time
I yell,
I feel like I am failing.

I want to talk to the world,
And have it hear me.
I want to whisper,
And have it matter.

But I don’t matter
Unless I make myself matter.
You can’t hear me
Unless I make you.

You listen when I’m angry,
But every time I am angry
I feel like I’m failing.
Every time I yell,
I feel the crazy
Buried underneath
Surfacing,
And I punish myself
For days.

I want to matter to you,
In my silence,
I want to matter,
When I’m calm.

I want to stop failing.

I want you to hear me.

“It looks deep,”
I said, face turned up to the sky
Looking so high
I thought I would float away.
You held my hand,
And paced up and down the driveway
Trying to see every star and planet
Above us.
You were giddy in that way you get
When curiosity
Has taken over
Your body.

Two falling stars
Faded into the darkness
Like a deep sigh,
I pointed them out to you
Moments too late.

Two wishes,
All to myself.

And both of them were
Something beautiful and secret
About you.

I remember
When people looked at me
As if I
Were beautiful.

Today I needed to remember her,
The wild parts of who I used to be.

I needed to remember the self destructive taste
Of cigarettes and chocolate bars,
The feeling of body positivity,
Sexuality,
And funky fashion.

I needed to remember that I am angry,
Because I needed to remember why I am moving forward.

I let myself remember her today,
The wild parts
Of who I used to be.