Anonymistress

Anonymistress Mar 2020

It's a sad game we play.
You,
        Showing up unexpectedly,
Over,
         And over again.
Me,
       Adjusting to your unreliability.
Cherishing
        The sequence of your visits.
Settling,
         Because a life with portions of
         your love...
...
   Is more bearable than your absence altogether.

Although it's better when you stay.

Anonymistress Mar 2020

50/50.

Am I your weakness, the one you tell yourself you don't deserve.
Or am I just your fix.

Either way, nothing stops you from leaving.

(it's not a question, I don't want to know the answer)

Anonymistress Mar 2020

just a glance.

I don't know how to let you back in.
Nothing I want more than to surrender to the thought of happiness in your arms.
But you dont know how to stay.
Time and time again, you've proven what I didn't want to accept.
No more open doors.

We pushed eachother away, but you won.

Anonymistress Mar 2020

take care.

Do you ever wish the best for the ones that have done you wrong? Despite all the hurt they put you through, you want nothing more than for them to find the happiness they deserve. Even if it doesn't involve you.

The day it hits : let them go and find peace in it.

Anonymistress Mar 2020

you don't know unless you know.

That "once in a lifetime" connection goes unmatched.

Anonymistress Mar 2020

magic words.

You don't want to hear how he put a gun up against my head because there are no magic words to take away a memory that demeaning.
Or how he blacked out and didn't remember screaming at me for putting my pants back on.
How defending myself got me trapped between two walls with no way out.
No, you don't want to picture his hand around my neck and the fear that filled my eyes.
You're right. Let's not bring it up, I wouldn't want to make you feel uncomfortable.

I never needed magic words. I needed you to hold me when I was falling apart. That's how you silence the hurt, even for just a moment.

... This was written with hesitation, not spite. My confidence is hindered and there is no hiding that. I fear letting a new love in because how am I supposed to let my guard down. How is a new man supposed to love me, given my past. What am I supposed to tell him in a moment of intimacy when I start to cry for no reason but the hauntings of my own memory? I am damaged, no one wants that.