You can tell they care by the way they look at you

How with a glance they peer into your soul

and I can't help but look away at the thought of someone liking what they see

it's an uncomfortable thought, someone peering into the darkness -- willing to seize it

With the same pen and paper as the last love letter I wrote, I now write this.

PREAMBLE:
Everyday he'll suffer in silence and I'll be content with the thought. The same hand that wrote loving words is the same hand that brought tears to his eyes.
Over betrayal and deceit hidden in plain view with a longing of decadence and validation.

BODY:

He choose carefully, or so he thought - the wounded of the flock.
But he knew...somehow that I was different.
Unable to be read like a simple book, I am that of an enigma to most, alluring to others.
I could have loved that side of him -- the part unrestrained by persona. The damaged part, carefully tucked away.
But the beast must be fed by the tears of the innocent,
a pervasive pattern of loving women he made love him back.
He fed his soul with their sadness.
For he deceived them for proof of love and in it, he destroyed himself.
Day by day, he'll look at me and realize, like the last - he was wrong.
That someone had cared and someone was hurt, and that was not I.
And I am grateful -
for not loving a traitor.
To his own cause or mine.
Because every time he looks for validation in the tears of others.

I will not be there
and he will not find me.

What I fear most
Is that intellectuals and scholars have never been understood
And that I stand among them
Like a ***** in today's time
Unworthy and misunderstood
The slightest Infraction a death sentence to a meaningful existence
If, for only a second, they could see things how I do.
How grand it could be.

The silence is deafening
a whirlwind around me
of loose paper and dark thoughts
Sadness and supply of no importance
within the world around

the misinterpretation of words
stuttered benign thoughts
of weighty inquisition
insistant upon
explaining themselves
to a lenders ear
but for a moment

arousal in the bite of an apple
the corn husks of golden air
shards of pain through fine spinned glass
grasping pillowy down
hot summer aire on a springs eve
innocence of a man
though flesh tainted desire
aquamarine and rose colored sin
through thick speech
and alcohol in a trance
peeled layers of time
and wrought the iron fist
of deceit and despair
proud flesh bares no semblance
in the choir of the angels

Concession
what does it mean to concede
give up, in & allow
a defamation of self
allegation to the obligatory
an allegory of
nights and days
steadfast
    Hold ground
for what
if life is a concession
itself

before this was a page torn and tattered
its verse left blank
now ***** versus
and obscene content
to which the bearer
of this book
might hold to heart
of the perverse
mal natured court
a disonance between
societal views and
that which is true

the only world wide currency
is the epidemic
of lonliness

Maybe your aim is to sweep me off my feet
to plunge me into darker days, dreaming of you?
Or maybe you're just case sensitive
a clingy car-wreck of emotion
latching onto, and bleeding dry
your host, with parasitic tendencies?
These are all questions
of which I am not certain.

What I am certain of, is this:

You will meet me
You will love me
You will leave me

  and I will make it so.

It's so strange how I don't hold to the same standards a group of people.
What I would find acceptable from one,
is inexcusable from the next.
What makes one exempt from another?
Maybe, maybe, my focus is all off.
Maybe I should be more critical of the first, and more accepting of the last -
because in the end -
in the first kaleidoscope world,
no one escapes judgement.
Far too this, or not decent enough to be that.
In this everyday stratosphere, people are just people
from different places, with different goals
and one minor commonality.
To elevate oneself.
Surely, that is a respectable claim.
Much more so, than, wading in stagnant water.
The same filth that has been there, years upon years - without purpose.
So maybe I've been doing it all wrong.
Putting energy in the wrong place, I suppose.
Sometimes you must leave to see it.
I guess you can say that now I've seen the light.

Maybe you are supposed to be a tombstone -
in the cemetery of my mind

You are the cause of many sleepless nights
I wish you gone
and not in the sense of this world
Gone from here / gone from me

Weathered torn &
tattered
a culmination of
sequences in life
    stone hard over time
underwritten by    
hard lines of the sun
         to catch your
breath
              you must actually
                                         be alive

Ive tried to forget you
But you're a scar on my soul
And everytime i run a finger over it
Memories flood of you

I see all these things going on inside you
wouldn't it be good to just let go?
We can benefit from one another emotions don't have to stay bottled up until you explode

I can be your outlet
and you can be mine

I'll carry your burden for you
in the marks that you leave

When you do it
I want you to think of these things
That spark such emotion
Until you feel relief
in the sight of my battered flesh

I want to be your release
your peace, and solace

My tears
Sweet to the taste
So you don't have to shed yours

And I will love you for it
for all of it
To show you your worth

I marvel at you
Your strength and resilience
Your character and your kindness
To me you are a wonder
Undeniably, a beautiful fracture

But to show you the way...
It is as natural for you
As flight is to the bird
yet you resist

I can sense the rage in you
for my bad behavior
You must show me my way
and through that
you shall find yours.

Borderline thoughts:
better to self medicate with pasta, than a bullet

Suffering is the path to enlightenment; we neednt only to be afraid

Its an amazing thing
When the suffering see the light
So far blinded by new bliss
As far as they can see,
It is beauty in a dark world
Shedding light on the unknown
Exciting, ever flowing possibility
Akin to a path unexplored
Where none have been before
But yet, blinded
To the danger
Though new and seemingly endless
The door closes
All traces of light lost
And into the abyss
The faint touch of a distant beginning
Lingers on the tongue like a love lost
And so are they.

Needs and wants: a viscious cycle
Flesh quells mindless non-sensibilities
I don't need it
What do I need? Nothing
Silent screams, it's there like a shadow in my closet
Days pass in decay of oneself
Salivation in what I lack
I don't need.
It's all Black and Blue
Bruise & Bone give way to rose gold tones and a sunset day
Sleepless nights and food without savour
Unsavories in desire
A redundant walking endless days
The same minute details
An image of John Thomas etched in my mind
Lust dripping from my temple of words I've failed to utter
& a rubber heart cast from memories passed
The glare from the life I have lived, begs me not to need
But we all get ****** now and again, don't we?

Often we tell children not to speak to strangers
We hold that accountable in our mature lives
Passing the passerbys with a faint hello
Subtle smiles in coffeeshops
Where no one dares to go
Weaving the wonderful world wide web
Lush with poets and muses, and music too
Likes on statuses a passive aggressive sup'
Friends among friends, can see you as well
So we like our things, bemused in silence
A comment left, do you see me now?
A fondness grows through likes and things
Strangers or friends? As it may seem
So through a message a nightlong chat
Weve told some secrets, stored in our hearts
For when strangers come together
On likeness, life, hearbreak, and self
We are strangers no longer, stuck on a shelf
And so i urge you, to hear my plea
Think of these things when you go out to eat
A chance hello, how are you? we begrudgingly speak
May be the best for us... even you or me.
Though stranger it seems we have some common ground
No longer a stranger, but a friend now.

Yet again, you have left me.
Out in the cold, the sufferer of your ways
To punish or banish me
From your mind, as it lay
What binds you, to your silence they say
Is your pulse, fear as though it has it
And so here i am in the rain
Discarded like a lover lost
Through someone elses folly
Your soul keeps my demons warm
Stoking a fire of memories months old
And a body, oh so cold.

Im counting days on a calender since we've spoke.
Days of strength and possibility.
But today i broke, heavy is my heart with weight of you.
The taste of your lips and the touch of your hands that linger from 3 weeks past.
The what ifs and the whys all rolled into one big paranoia.
Cant mistake the beating heart that pulsed under my fingers; refrain.
Refrain for a simple indulgence that we both desire.
Fear binds you to a proper way long lost amongst many
That unmistakeable pounding of the heart like blood through the veins yields no relief from the inquisition of my mind.

Do you love me?
Could you love me?
Why am i here?
All questions remain just that. Empty and unfulfilled, like us that day.
How long can this go on, i do not know.

Ive tried to cover myself with people or things.
Trying to pass the time, where you would fade.
Some memories have, but not your smell or your hair, your pretty smile or your voice. Those are constant.

There are days when i can push you aside and decieve myself.
That i dont care and you dont matter.
But i find myself hoping you had a successful day, or that there might be a sighting from afar.

News that you were leaving left mixed emotions.
Good for him, he deserves that.
 Ill never see him again....
But if i never see him again??
Out of sight out of my mind used to be my motto, until you.

So i beg this question again:
How long can this go on?
Because it has been two years and my heart still aches for you.

Such a pity, to see such a beautiful vibrant animal in a shelter.
This one speaks to you, so wiggly and cute. Shame shes been here so long.
She chooses you, and you her.
How lucky you are, to have such a creature.
Whos loyalty is unsurpassed, even by its beauty.
You take care of her, and she soothes you.
Unconditional love they say.
She lays in your lap, content as you pat her head.
Theres a look in her eye.
She loves you, the feelings are mutual.
Bestfriend. Partner. Best describe this.
Routinely doling out love, theres that look again.
The one that unsettles you.
You speak kindly to her, she wiggles with excitment.
As you reach out to caress her, she snaps.
Quick and precise. With intent.
You stare silently, lost and confused - at the dog that bites.
Days go by, things are different.
You can never quite view her the same way as before.
Silence.
She comes to you, with that same bright look.
Full of love.
Shes crying now, crying out to you.
Its hard to hear with all the background noise.
But its there, as viscious as insults thrown your way.
You keep walking.
Out that door, of the same place where you had found her.
She was looking for a home, and had found it in you.

Some say you cant teach an old dog new tricks, some never try.

There is one person I'd eat in a second, and you are not him. So let sleeping dogs, lie.