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Annie Oct 2019
Still here,
beating.

I stand over the girl from my past.

My shadow is a mass, but I am Liberty,
in her stance,
in her strength,
in the sunlight.

Twice struck,
second one has stuck
in deep,
enough to blur the world around me-
around him.

Never mind the darker hours
 (they aren’t important);
what is crucial, is the breath in my lungs.
The fourth poem in my annual series of poems I write for my birthday.
Annie Jun 2021
If the past is but an illusion
and the present is all that I am,
then it’s an illusion that has made me strong;
all those things that didn’t go as planned.

I drift now, happy to observe life
as it happens around me,
as it whisks me along with it,
I’m trying to stay grounded.

And I love now, passionately.
Not with a flame, but now I am the sun.
I have my own mind,
but I’m made up of everyone.

I am human enough to feel
slow crushing of heart,
but I am angel enough
to not fall apart.
28/6/21
Annie Sep 2018
Twisted tummy
24 hours to get to you
I cannot chew
or swallow
or drink properly
it is all soggy cardboard
dans ma bouche.

Before I get to you
my heart stammers
a million times a minute
and I cannot
for the life of me
relax one little
bit.

Slow and steady
I attempt to breathe
but my body won’t be fooled
it knows you are nearer
to me.
Annie Nov 2018
Lonely we are,
******* smoke through our lips
never getting no kiss,
just the lightheaded feeling
instead.

And now we lie in our beds,
with the smoke in our heads,
sifting through red lust and
blue sorrow.
Annie Jan 2021
My hair smells like carrot cake,
it holds onto things like that-
and accidental kisses
that were not very kind.

I’m sorry,
by the way.

I forgot your lips were trouble
and you have a troubled mind.
27/8/20
Annie Dec 2018
I am drawn to you;
a body to press against my own.
I know it’ll fit
wonderfully
into every curve and crevice.
6/12/18
Annie Oct 2018
I was prescribed
hot chocolate
by a woman who let me
cry in her chair
on two occasions.

On bad days
I make myself have a hot chocolate
not because they’re particularly my favourite drink,

but because having this hot cup of
sugar
makes me feel like I’m doing something
to comfort myself
when I don’t know what else to do.
Annie Nov 2018
Cloudy;
my world is
hazy
tound the edges.

I’m walking with a
vignette filter
on my eyes,
like glasses I can’t remove.

But I’m sober,
I think.
I’ve been high, yes,
most days;
but not today.
I’ve drunk, yes,
always too much;
always ending in aches and
some sorrow;
but that was last night;
not today.

I already know that tomorrow’s
forecast is cloudy
too.
July .18
Annie Aug 2018
I imagine her skin is like
the sun,
as it caresses my body
saying warmly:
-I am sorry for the winter,
and for leaving you cold.
I am back now,
I am here.

I imagine her lips are like
mine
and when we kiss I’ll feel as if
I’m falling
gently
d
o
w
n.
Dizzy with desire.
Annie Oct 2018
This is what I am now;
silver hoops and
wet wavy hair.
Naked.
Tan lines and stripy scars.
More bright thoughts than dark.
With a star, a chain and some string.
Broken wrist,
quelque fois je suis triste.
Big big family,
small small dreams.
I write a poem every time I turn another year older; here is eighteen years old.
Annie Aug 2018
je ne suis pas là
I'm nowhere
il y a des cordes à chaque extrémité de moi
I suppose I'll feel this forever now
parce que je ne vais jamais couper les cordes
no matter where I am, I will always be far from the other.
Annie Aug 2019
Daydreaming of quality time, alone.
Diving into bush pools and rivers,
sun-soaked,
wet rocks under-***,
hair slick down back,
drip on shoulders;
stronger now there’s nothing
holding me down.

Down I dive,
further- deep into peace.
I’ll eat air and drink my own laughter in gulps until I’m drunk
and fall off my rock
right back in the water-fallen ripples
again.

Let the tui talk and the fantails walk
behind me,
as I make my own naked trail
through fairy-forest vines,
over moss-mounds and thick roots.

With no cars, I can climb,
every tree is my castle,
every branch a limb
to protect me.

I’ll barefoot tumble down a Pinetree *****,
carve my poems into soft-bark trunks,
let the wind fuel my fire.
Annie Feb 2019
Green leaves My hands
into upwards into forwards.
Got that water.        Got that water.
Got that fire every morning.    Got those sun rays every day.
I’m sitting in I’m living in
the kitchen      the hub of it all
I’m flourishing. I’m flourishing.
Annie Nov 2019
The roses are dead,
they had barely turned red,
in the morning
I rose to them withered.

The sun made no sound
as it stood from the ground
to illuminate
the absence of life.

Oh, it stung like a thorn
to see this at dawn;
my heart shrivelled up
like those petals.

“They look red to me?”-
the others can’t see
those dead roses
that sit on our table.

“It’s all in your mind,
the roses are fine;
so are you,
if you give yourself time.”
Annie Apr 2019
If I melt underneath you
you will pick me up again
and hold me close to you
like you always do,
how I imagine it as I cross the boundary
I have unintentionally laid down
between my own world
and our world.
Annie Oct 2021
It is true, though,
that I'd rather leave scars
on this body I possess
and leave tears in my heart
from the lovers I've met,
than to have never lived
or loved at all.

Life is a climb, a trip and a fall.
21/9/21
Annie Aug 2018
Kisses,
sweet fake kisses
on the keypad.
Kisses that
could be on his cheek.
Give it a year,
or a month or
maybe even a week.
I read a small quote
that said it's not love
if you only want them at night;
it's lust.
The quote said
something like that;
it's not love if it doesn't feel
right.
Annie Apr 2019
How to handle a romance
spiralling out of control in one's head?

Because I could spend eternity in your bed,

opening each other up like gifts,
give me your fingers and arms to kiss.
Annie Feb 2022
I'm in the process of banishing demons from my body.

You can see these scars on my skin,
where evil once settled in,
but now, let my healing begin.

I banish cruel words from my kingdom,
I free myself from wrong touch,
I cover my walls in strong ivy,
I tear myself away from your clutch.

I run t'wards the ocean before me,
I swallow the sun in great gulps.

I'm making a sanctuary,
a home,
and a safe place,

A place that is just for myself.
14/2/22
Annie May 2019
This pool is bottomless; stunningly blue,
I find that I’m tumbling towards it with you.

We’ve fallen, and now that the surface is breaking,
our dive, beyond words, will leave us both shaking.

I see now, a lifetime of love in the making.
28.5.19
Annie Apr 2019
If the rain can pound down as I lay in my bed,
minuscule mishaps and **** in my head,

why can the rain then, not reach in my brain?
Pound at the worries,
wash away pain?

The rain comes to visit again and again;
whether a friend or a foe, I couldn’t explain.
Annie Oct 2019
Don’t allow grey skies to dampen your hair,
soak up your shirt,
seep into your
socks.

Let the tears fall if they brew under-lid,
saltwater
cleanses and
soothes.

Don’t stay up late ‘til the birds start to talk,
spreading secrets
you don’t need to
hear.

Smoke always rises and wind blows you sideways-
even gorse ****
has bright yellow
bloom.
Annie Oct 2018
I am soft.
Soft like a peach.
Peachy like a peach.
Curvy,
pinkish,
yummy like a peach.
Soft like little kisses.
I love little kisses.

Strong.
I am strong like a girl.
Fight me, I bite,
not just peaches.
I am strong
of tongue and heart
and arms and legs.
Strong like carved muscle.
I love my muscle.
I write a poem every time I turn another year older; here is nineteen years old.
ONE
Annie Oct 2021
ONE
Can you pull apart the seems you sewed
When you were once as one?

I felt the high of being nowhere
And everywhere all at once.

We floated in a black space
And in it we combined.

My consciousness reached out to yours
And then, they intertwined.
3/10/21
Annie Sep 2019
Wild children have been here
to throw glitter in the green,
in the sun it does shimmer
and glimmer and gleam.

While the dew does sparkle,
the birds babble on,
flitting and swooping
on rays of the sun.

Butterflies dance
between evergreen trees,
carried by birdsong
and the early spring breeze.

They flit and they float,
in the colour of honey,
the kind that is golden,
delicious and runny.
Annie Aug 2020
From your perspective,
the water lays clear and blue,
sugar dissolves on the tongue like it was never even there
and Daddy gave you a car that you care for respectfully.

Letters get placed nicely into your hands
and that pink mouth of yours says lovely things,
born in spring,
it must be nature on your side.

From your perspective,
it's no wonder you walk uphill
and tremble when asked to stand still.
Who would ******* when you won't **** yourself?
But I can see
why you're still never lonely.

You insist on some insomnia
before you fall asleep
in your radiated room in Daddy's house.
Eyes that match the sky
on your side of the day,
you're that part of the valley
catching the sun.

From your perspective,
sunflowers only need to face one another
and they grow like fools in your garden.
You're insured for those faulty organs
and I bet it's nice to lie over a safety net at night.
15/8/20
Annie Nov 2018
I love you;
despite everything.

Despite all the times I’ve
broken down into nothing.

Despite every shade of green
I’ve ever turned.

Despite the space and time
between us like a hopeless
black hole.

Despite the nights spent
sitting at windows, waiting and
wishing.

And despite the fact that
everything about this is killing me
from the inside out;

I love you.
11/01/18
Annie Oct 2019
The weight of your head,
like the whole globe on your shoulders,
the world on one neck,
the ache of one body.

I’m tired, like all of the stress simply sits on my dreams

while I’m trying to sleep it away,
but I don’t get a break-
not even one day.

At least the bowl isn’t red anymore,
at least the sun is alight.
But I’ve ached for a year now, and it’s still so unclear how
I will heal, or if ever I will.

Keep sunny, keep yellow,
like the lilies in bloom
which sit on the drawers
at the end of my room.

The weight of my head,
like the whole globe on my shoulders,
the world on one neck,
the ache of one body.
Annie Oct 2018
I want to be this
wet white dress
hanging alone on the line,
on such a gentle
Sunday morning.

Why do I want to be this dress
so badly?
Every time I glance it’s way
I’m surprised with the jealousy I feel.
I must be jealous of its peace,
I suppose.

It has no need to do anything
all day long,
except hang there
and sweetly dry
in its own time.
Annie Aug 2019
Another morning, girl wakes to the sun
sitting on one cheek.

Born again, her lashes dense with dreams.
Could she roll over
and delve into emptiness
for just a moment longer?

Girl rises nonetheless, girl folds herself into clothes.

How to live repeatedly, relentlessly
without knowing for sure what it is that girl is living for?

Is it just another day in which to smile?
To soak up knowledge? Or to
leap right over the edge of comfort
and say something she truly means?
No, she couldn’t possibly do something like that.

Do thoughtless humans lead better lives?

Outside, memories fall on girl like sycamore seeds.
Reality, girl knows, has only just begun
to stir up the world she never thought could be so overwhelming and
underwhelming
all at once.

Small reminders swallow girl whole-
that no one truly knows anything.

She’s wondering now, if she can actually feel
the shape of her soul becoming a
xenomorph (unusually and irregularly shaped).

Sun rays will wake girl once again,
zigzagging across her skin.
Annie Jun 2019
I’m afraid to be in love.

I’m afraid I’ll lose myself.
I’ve this fear that I’ll grow bored or distant

and look for someone else.

I’m scared that I will change my mind.
I’m scared of breaking hearts.
Most of all I’m scared that love might always fall apart.
17.6.19
Annie Jan 2021
This could’ve been me.

I could’ve been a consciousness
trapped inside a tree.

Instead, I have a body,
these bones, this blood, my flesh.

Why would I ask for more
when I could’ve had much less?
20/10/20
Annie Jan 2019
To both crave and hate touch
I find this too much,
it’s a cloud sitting over my mind;
a sensation I can’t unwind;
a binding I can’t unbind.

I can dream of the heat,
but can’t seem to repeat
the same urges whilst I lie awake;
each time feels unbearably fake;
I give so much more than I take.
Annie Oct 2018
I am etched with ink,
stretched from yoga
and a dangerous habit of thinking.

I am balancing,
edging my way
along this
lifeline
which someone has placed high
above all of my years,
so that I am trying
(as hard as I might)
not to look down,
and
t
   u
      m
        b
          l
            e
into the past.
I write a poem every time I turn another year older; here is twenty years old.
Annie May 2019
We love like we won’t ever find love again,
Like love doesn’t come around each turn

and each bend,
Like love isn’t hidden in every stranger we meet,
In every new city
and every new street.

We love like the world would collapse if we didn’t,
We love like we do because we don’t know any different.
Annie Jun 2021
What if I were in love with you?
What inside your world would it change?
Because for me, it gives such a different view.

For me, you make appearances when I sleep,
and I don’t know if it’s my imagination
or if it’s you trying to speak.

I know that you live just down the street-
you probably never even think about it,
but I always wonder whether we’ll meet.

So, what if I were in love with you?
It might explain why you’re always inside my mind.
Why you seem to be lost in there-
stuck in a maze, or you were leaving it but left something behind.

I know that right now you’re with someone;
with someone who’s kind.
You seem really happy.
I know that love like that can be hard to find.

So, what if I were in love with you?
There is nothing for me to do-
I’m embarrassed enough and I’m tormented, too.
27/6/21
Annie Oct 2021
big blue
big blue, two
two big blue to see
big blue sky
like crayon on canvas
crazy how big blue is
crazy how I have two blue
always drawn to
big brown
two big brown
drawn to brown like crayon
draws land
land under big blue
big sky
blue eyes
look for brown
land and
sea, too
crazy you
have brown
I have blue
we have two
you take blue crayon
I take brown
draw land on you and
you draw big
sky or sea
all over me
I am blue
brown is you
kissing crazy
cos now blue is brown
brown is blue
land has sea
sea makes sky
crazy crayons
blue brown eyes
you and
I.
11/10/21

— The End —