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Ann Terrin Sep 25
push and pull
old and new
though his abuse seemed to **** me
it brought me to you

his unyielding amercements
served to kept me in line
to kept me afraid
and consumed precious time

quietly together we buried our past
unwillingly yet willingly
we completed our tasks

shoulder to shoulder
beyond and behind
we lean on each other as we walk the same line

wide open and venerable
gently cradling my neck
slowly entering within me

your beautiful eyes
so gentle
so kind
you heal me through trust
the trust that endures all of time

as we slide and we slide
slowly deep
deep inside
I relent in these moments with nowhere to hide

the walls I held high kept him out for so long
just seconds in our space
all his walls were now gone

exposed and afraid I cover my eyes
gently cradling my neck
you are quiet
you are kind

inside me
beside me
the dearest friend, I adore

my lover
my partner
my forevermore
From the ashes of abuse comes healing.  Allow the light to come in.  Take the step towards the curtains.  Let a new life begin.
Ann Terrin Mar 22
the fork in your tongue
is old
not young
forged in venom
and not by sun
not of this plain
pleasured by pain
pleasured by blood
caused by your stain
you slither and slide
seethe and hide
propped up by your maker's nonsensical pride
hatred injected by you in our sons
following her footsteps of all that's become
your cancer will **** you
it's certain
it's true
your demise is cemented by the evil in you
have you asked for forgiveness
no, never
not once
I hope in your end
you face God’s vengeful punch
Ann Terrin Mar 22
Dishes piled high, but higher still is the laundry that sits just where it will
I cannot fathom the thought of leaving my bed
I cannot fathom moving until I am dead
“She’s crazy” he says to my children each day
She could if she wants …
Will her depression away
I scream inside the top of my head
Wishing and hoping he would finally drop dead
His cancer has taken over all our lives
His “excuse to excuse” the abuse he would hide
You can hide it no longer
It’s not in my head
You want to label me crazy and have me strapped to a bed
It’s not me he argues to all who will hear
It’s not me, “she’s crazy”
Yet he beats me still
Your pills are not working
Your therapy is moot
Check yourself into Cuckoo Land
Try and stay in the loop
I’ll strip all of you down
Crazy piece after piece
Until you have nothing
Left to cry on your knees
“I’m not crazy!!!”, I scream
But you won’t go away
You’re put here to torture me to the end of my days
Your cancer is slow and my heart cannot beat
I’d rather be dead then to become your repeat
Ours sons sound like you
Their words trigger me too
I can’t will them away
Like I still will away you
You demon
You dark one
You false ******* Jew
Place that gun in my hand
Then walk away too
The gun is so heavy
So cold
Yet so light
The chamber at my face
Eyes closed with deep spite
Your triggers are what I’ve lived with so long
Triggering the most hurtful emotions
The most painful of wrongs
Is this cold steel finally the last I must endure?
As it fits my finger perfectly,
Yes ... I am finally sure
Ann Terrin Mar 22
Try harder, so I do
Still reaching for the fix
My mind cannot bear another year of six
It’s in his hands so what will I do
He yells and yells louder ...
I’m waiting
I’m waiting
I’m waiting on you
Fix this and do that
Can you ever just, STOP!
Hours, minutes, seconds on your clock
The label of duty of a wife on Shabbat
Your intent was evil and always with plot
Spread your legs!
Shut your mouth!
Let my birthright inside you
Alone in my mind
But I had to abide you
I cried ‘till you finished
Left burned and diminished
Curled up
Dead inside with nothing left to give
Yet, you demanded more if I wanted to live
These unspoken vows
How could I have known
I wasn’t a Jew
How could I be ******
You are nothing without me
I will take as I please
Your screams are useless as I enter with ease
My distain was certain and I fought to withhold
I could not bear your touch and prayed to die cold
Your punishment loomed always
You made me guess “when”
I hid in our closets pulling my soul further in
You were never worthy to be at my feet
You serve as my slave and you are now mine to keep
As I grew out my armor
I hoped it could repel
Your disgusting hands
You inadequate male
For your spirit was cold
It was mean
It was old
You were born self-entitled
Adorned self-proclaimed gold
Even cancer can’t change you
Not even a bit
Still abusive as ever
Still living to spit
Your host is so evil
The most rotten apple from her tree
I wish her the deepest of pains for creating the abuser you'd be
The sounds of her mouth
All the stink of her too
A pick-and-choose Jew
You’re chosen you say
So, what, you don’t need to abide
By the laws of, The Book
Alas, The Book, has two sides
You choose what you want and ignore all the rest
Your go to MO
You've both mastered it best
Still dutifully married
Our life torn apart wide
Clenching me tightly
Prancing around with your pride
But as I grow older, I begin to whither and fade
I still deal with my devil to whom I’m enslaved
When will he go?
I’ve asked and begged why
I’ll ask for forgiveness when I can no longer cry
Now finally, I stand over you
Lifeless and cold
Your soul still infested with hatred and mold
My last mitzvah of dirt I’ll gladly shovel with ease
To finally breath that longed moment of peace
Peace from your self-hatred
Jealous of me ever more
I sigh the deepest breath as dirt covers your door
Cry one last time …
I have no more tears
You stole them from me when you ***** me for years
Ann Terrin Feb 23
Why do I love you, when you are not mine
Why do I love you, and wait for our time
Why do I love you, when I’m afraid to let go
Why do I love you, just because you say so
Why do I love you, just because you are kind
Why do I love you, when I’m kept on your line
Why do I love you, because you **** me so well
Why do I love you, under when I’m under your spell

You’ll hurt me I know, one day in the end
And when that day comes … what will I do
When that day comes, you will lie to me too

Our kiss in the alley is what kills me inside
Our kiss in the alley is our secret to hide
Our kiss in the alley was passionate and kind
Our kiss in the alley should have made you all mine

I hate that I love you, with all of my heart
I hate that I loved you, from our very start
As you watched me get married, we knew it was wrong
You stood there in silence and still carried on

No matter what happens I will never let go
I will never let go, until you tell me so
Ann Terrin Feb 23
Be seen and not heard for your voice does not matter
Get back to your chores and stop all the chatter

My list was so long
My job was unjust
Berating a child was never a must

The silence was thick
It covered the walls
Affection was absent
I reached for my dolls

Pretend I would play for a happier home
A mommy and daddy who never left me alone  

Latch key was badge I wore often with pride
Pleasing became normal, but killed me inside

You left me on Christmas
How could I have known
That all these years later, you would never come home

By the window I’d look
I grieved and I cried
I call on the Army to find a way back inside

Was the look worth the fight, for it didn’t seem so
I asked you to stay, but you wanted to go

Ran away from us all
But you forgot about me
You left me to fight
You left me no key

Now back in our lives
A better grandfather you are
Seeing your kindness has healed a few scars

Still Daddy’s girl I remain
Loving you evermore
I only wish to forget, seeing you walk out our door
Ann Terrin Feb 23
How do I trust, when you forget to say hi
How do I trust, when you don’t say goodbye
How do I trust, when I’m invisible and unseen
How do I trust, when I’m kept in between
How do I trust, when I’m in the dark
How do I trust, when you hit me so hard
How do I trust, when you spit in my face
How do I trust, when I don’t know my place
How do I trust, when you lie, lie and lie
How do I trust ...

When you finally die
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