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Depression is the gateway drug

Because I'll try anything
Absolutely anything
To make this feeling stop
From my happy dream you wake me up
To discover that I was living in an illusion
At that moment I lost my soul, my felling,  and my faith
I was waiting for a fabulous end.
Yet like a star that was waiting for the to come and  when it did that star was slowly  dying
#sadness #love #heartbroken
 Sep 2019 Nazrana Kalil
WNDL
Jannah
 Sep 2019 Nazrana Kalil
WNDL
as they dance endlessly in the summer nights
i spent my whole time gazing at the beauty of yours
i didn't ask you for a dance and yet
you made my heart beat like it danced
lately i have been thinking about
this cosmic reality of wonder i see
how i can radiate out light-filled beauty
and trust that i’m all of the love that i seek
i find comfort in how i exist beyond “human”
i know i am more than my mind now perceives
this experience may dance to the beat of illusions
but this waking state is my most favorite dream
,how do you know when
(a human is too broken?)




<•>

human too broken?

like the light bulb, removal from its fixture, a simple shaking revelation of the tinkling filament spent, something that cannot be repaired, the only option is replacement and that makes
you cry

the empty box of oatmeal raisin cookies, you find secret’d,
hid by you, not to be found by you
at the bottom of the kitchen garbage,
but box betrayal, by the chartreuse tipped box lid sided
peeking upwards, asking, silencing screaming,
what did I do to deserve
this degrading

like the blouse now too tight that it brings stares as the buttons strain, unwelcome attention unintended,
you know it but still pretend not to see,
for you both once loved that silky guise that so
heightened the high tender, the match of your pink rose skin letting, no! making
your eyes glisten, like broken filament glass, on the sidewalk,
recalling the pleasured admiration,
rain remembered from the
prior priority of a life consisting of only
perfect gifts

so mean revert to the poseur question; this is how...

remove the human from a fixed place, whimpering-threatened,
you may hear clear the crackle cackling  of the innard shards against the misperception of a body intact,
even if you do,
no repair service you want,  can be found, see it nowhere,
is it even
anywhere advertised?

the body presumed intact is secret’d under a tactile coverlet,
holey scupperrd holy cuttered
so that the cells and bicuspids, the threads
no longer function in a tandem,
you keep it in the closet closed,
in the back, deep hid, where,
when it screams why,
it can be safe ignored,
because  ‘betrayed’ is no longer a word,
in your globe's dictionary,
the parental controls activated by you to
save your own inner child’s unconstrained confusion,
it has been removed


so the broken glass, the clothes you dressed each other,
if not weep-well,
well enough hid,
the fit is off,
the fit is off,
the coverlet ripped so bad and neither cares
an unexpected poem, unplanned, needing work
aug 4-5
A moment.

A line between
empowered
& defiant

holding within in it
the tenderness of our gaze

The night calls me
sometimes
tauntingly,
while sleep escapes,
sometimes
earnestly
to show me the truth
that day
hides

it calls deep within
my being,
like you

it resonates with
my darkness,
like you

Will you stay with me,
for a moment

of real honesty
& if you want,
silence

The valley of space there,
& between us
pulling me in,
like you

a moment of freefall
& endless endings
ours,
there to be
chosen

where we find
a way
to be suspended
in the
warmth between
you & I

I stand
on the sharpest edge,
below, the water surges
over the rock face
deep teal and chilling
a reminder that
beautiful
can also be
destructive

like you.

In awe and wonder
I'm trapped
in these
moments.
Inspired by the great beauty of British Columbia and how it's grandeur and imposing nature can be reminiscent of imperfect love
I spoke to you last night.
It was the first time since last time.
Underneath the night sky’s tinted window,
Watching and waiting for the last cloud to escape from underneath the moon.

Can you see me sitting here?
With my face buried in my hands
And sorrow stained on my paper skin?
Show me a sign that you are there.
I asked for a sign to ease my mind.
I guess you heard it.
Maybe that is why the moon is so bright
And following me everywhere I go.
You have your eye on me.

The night was warm like the tea you made
But inviting like the last hug you gave me.

Calm night for a damaged soul.
Grant me serenity,
Show me you are there.

I miss you.
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