1) I may not mention that I need to be held
I mean, it has been so long and I don't want to come off as needy.
2) I may not mention that I have forgotten what it's like waking up next to someone. I honestly can't remember.  
3) I do not want any more ***** calls but it's better than the risk of getting attached to a temporary person so, I'll do what I have to do.
4) I need help but I will not ask. I don't want to give anyone the opportunity to throw what they did for my back in my face.
5) I may not act like I like you. I do and I don't want you to leave.
6) I may actually push you away. I don't mean to but I have forgotten how to depend on someone else. Be patient with me.
7) I may not let you sit close to me. I crave the intimacy but I am afraid to get used to you being here.
8) I may act like I have it all together all the time. Sometimes I am silently falling apart. Even with a smile on my face.
9) "I love you's" are hard to say in the beginning. Somehow saying those words out loud makes the feelings deeper than I am ready for them to be.
10) I love tacos. Please don't ask me what I want to eat. Just buy me tacos.
11) If you hold me too long, I may cry. Let it happen, I must feel safe with you.
12) I don't want to be super woman anymore. It is exhausting.
13) I need to be loved. I need the freedom to be myself. I need a safe place and permission to be soft.

It's been 3 weeks since I heard your voice
our love lost in a sea of unfinished txt conversations
21 days since I heard your face
and I am questioning everything
because how can someone who wants so much
go so long without seeing me
or hearing me
and still be okay
I am not okay

I know that trusting me
is hard for you.
Especially because
I bear the characteristics
of so many other women
that broke your heart
Repetitively causing
you to fear love
And when you get
just beneath the surface
You begin to tremble
So hard
That your breath escapes you
So hard that the room turns black
And you lose all sense of
Space and time
And you’re not sure
Whether you are
Dead or alive
Because surely
This is what death feels like

To fear
Death feels like breathing

And to fear
Life feels like death

A never ending hell
That you can not escape

Fear
Holds you down in your pit
And laughs as you frantically
try to escape

But you can’t
Because the walls
Though rugged enough
To create false hope
Are not smooth enough
Those ****** walls
Full of desperation
And claw marks
too smooth
To grip
Leaving you on a
never ending roller coaster
Between hope and defeat
You want to get off
But you’re stuck
And afraid

How long have you been this way?
How long have you been fighting?
How long have you been
Without hope?

Long enough that
when hope presents itself
You get afraid
And run away?

Fear conditions us
It brainwashes us
And teaches us to believe
That we will never
CAN
NEVER
be free

But God
But God and his infinite wisdom
Infinite love.
Infinite peace and power
Reaches for us
Wanting so fiercely
To save us from the strong grip
Of fear

He reaches for us
With tears rolling
Down his beautiful face
Pleading for us
Just to reach back
Just a little bit

Promising us
Power over anything
That causes us to fear
Love that conquers
ALL and NEVER Fails
And peace
That goes beyond
All understanding

Look up!
See His Light
Grab
His
hand

He wants to pour out
Freedom over you

He wants to pour out
Love over you

God longs to
heal
you

All you have to do
Is reach your hand out to Him
And He will rescue you

Fear is defeated
It’s chains are falling off of me

Say it out loud with me

Fear
Is
Defeated

It’s chains
Are falling
Off of me

He loved me like a 9-5
Monday through Friday
forty hours a week
with an occasional weekend day
but I needed
a forever kind of love
begrudgingly I had to let him go
no lay offs
no hopes for the future
because I deserve forever

Don’t love me out of convenience
Don’t call me and tell me that you wish you would have told me you loved me

when I was wrapped up in your arms but you were afraid
Did you think I would hear those words and let you back in?

No because we both agreed that love was not what we were seeking
I know you miss the way I made you feel

I know you miss my energy
But I had to call it back to me
I had to clean my palate of you
Because you are not the one who loves my soul

No matter how you think you feel
You are not the one who loves my soul

If you were
You would Have known
Before now

The best moments in life
are the moments spent
next to someone you love
not necessarily talking
not necessarily doing anything
but sharing the same air
in my mind you are there
sitting next to me
inhaling the soft aromas
that nature provides
we, together being kissed by the sun
melting together two people in one
because you are that someone I love
the one that I long to be beside

will you come with me?
can we adventure together?

When his words speak to my soul
and His pure intentions reach my heart.

It is hard to get caught up in the what if’s and fear of repeating the past.

I am completely inundated with the freedom that he brings to me.

Could this be real.
Well, I guess we’ll have to see.

To My Kingdom Spouse
I want to know you in a way that no one else has
Perhaps that means that I have to be the kind of woman
That can gracefully accept you in all of your forms
I can be that for you
And only you

Again and again
I tried to give you my heart
Gold plated
Beautifully encased
In lavish jewels
You
Rejected my gift
Over and over again
Like it was nothing

But

It was all I had to give.

In the quietness
I remember

How you were almost mine

I long for those days again

How invigorating

The feeling of releasing my heart to you

The excitement I felt

At the risk

The Adrenalin rush

The songs

The poetry

The feel of your skin on mine

In the quietness I remember

But no tears come

Because they have all been spilled

This spring when the flowers bloom

I will remember you

And I will smile

Because we almost did it

You were almost mine

None too special
He said to me
None too magical either
Just your
Average
Brown
Girl

I can find someone like you
Anywher then he let me go
I was lost
Lonely
And afraid

I gave up on love that day

To ANYONE I've ever loved:
My heart is not a board game.
It is NOT OK to play with it.
The results may be temporary fun for you,
but it has a lasting effect on me.
So if I offer my heart to you,
on a silver platter,
adorned with jewels
and fragrant with love.
Please do not taste its honey
and indulge in its goodness
if you do not plan on letting me love you
for the rest of my life.
I'd rather watch you from a distance,
admiring your beauty
silently wondering
what it like to be loved by you.
Than to pry my fragmented heart
from your beautiful hands.

I think I love you
Honestly, I know I do
but I'm scared to take a chance
on you loving me too

Because no one ever stays
to help pick up the pieces
they just break my heart and run
they come right at midnight
and leave before the sun

Love black as the night
I get lost every time I
Witness your splendor

You weren’t created
to dwell In the shadows.
You were created
to dance in the sunlight
Come dance with me.

To my boo
who ain’t my boo
But should be my boo
Why ain’t you in love with me yet?
I really wanna know
Come love me
******

I heard a man say
That a man’s love
Is a covering for a woman
His love protects her
His love doesn’t leave her exposed
To the dangers of the world
It made me think
Whose going to cover me?
I’m not so independent
That being exposed
Doesn’t bother me
I am cautious
Like a doe
Constantly
looking over her shoulder
Hyper-aware of the dangers
that lurk
In the shade
Of the trees
Who is going to cover me

A man who walks confidently
in his creative energy
can love me
creatively
forever

I want to be your crown 👑
I want to shine upon your head
Bring glory to your body
And favor to your life
A crown
Embellished
With pure diamonds
That have
evolved over time  
under extreme pressure
And survived
I shall not sit
Upon another man’s head
For I was custom made
To be worn by you
My King
We are a perfect fit
My jewels sparkle
In the gaze of your eyes
And I am proud to be called yours
So wear me confidently
Glow under the weight of my glory
Wear me and know
that no matter who wants
Me in their display case
I belong to you
Tailored to be worn
By you and only you
And nothing
And no one
Can have me
Your crown and glory

I’m tired
of not having
you here beside me.

I let him love me
Like so many before
I believed every word that fell from his lips
They penetrated my soul
He made me believe in love again
He made me long to be a woman
Who wants a man
A woman who needs a man
I am unashamed to admit
I needed him
But not in the way that I expected
It was his voice
The comfort that it brought
It was his hand
The way he led me
Lovingly
Gently
He was not like anyone I had met before
I wasn’t afraid of him
I wasn’t intimidated by him
Because I knew he wouldn’t hurt me physically
I forgot about my heart
The way he hurt me was the worst kind of pain
Still, it vibrates through my body
Never ending
the pain ricocheting
heart to brain
brain to heart
and everything in between
I’ve been *****
Beaten
Battered
Emotionally and physically abused
nothing compares to this pain
the pain that his absence
has left on my heart
The death of a love
Before it even blossomed
the death of a version of me
I will never be the same.

I stood befor you
Naked
Because you told me
That I was safe

I showed you my heart
Unprotected
Vulnerable
Exposed

You took one look
And in the name of
“Loving me”
You ran away

Leaving me
On display
Completely humiliated
For all to see

And still
For some
Unfathomable
Reason

I want to love again

I’m on the outside
I’m on the outside
Looking in
Can anybody see me

I’m on the outside
I’m on the outside
Looking in
Can anybody see me

I can’t do it on my own
I can’t do it all alone
Can someone
Anyone
Someone
Can somebody help me

I don’t want to die like this
I don’t want to die addicted
Worthless, helpless, hopeless
And afraid

I don’t want to die like this
I don’t want to die
In my shame

Please anyone
Can you hear me
Is anybody there

No matter how much
I love you
I don’t mind walking away
I won’t look back
I won’t bat an eye
Whenever you look my way

he said
I don’t care who’s with me
and who ain’t
I don’t have to Persuade
Anyone to see my worth
Because with or without them
I’m already great
He possesses a confidence
That has my attention
Held captive
It reminds me of a time
When my momma yelled out to my father
Hey black man
As if the phrase it’s self
Was a crown
Her voice
Boasting in power
And Dripping with respect

Perhaps tomorrow I’ll try
to call you by your name
I’ll walk up to you
Fill my voice with sunshine
And say
Hey black man
I see your Greatness
And I honor you for it
I’ll crown you with my words
And adorn you with
A cloak of honor
And you will smile
Because you know who you are
I see you king
This is the start of something
Kind of beautiful

I can only throw
so many hints
before I take one
and walk away

I am both
An honor
and a privilege

Husbae
I missed you today
You weren’t here to feel the warmth
Of the sun on my face
With your lips
Or hold my hand
As we walked through an orchard
Trees fill with green leaves
Dancing as the wind blew through
Playing its favorite tune
I sat and witnessed it’s splendor
In an old rocking chair
It was one of two
Under a crabapple tree
I wished you were here with me
I whispered
But no one heard me but the wind
I hope she Carried
my prayers to you
And that you know
You are desired
and loved
And missed
Today

Isn't Love for poets
yes it is
but so is heartache and pain
beauty and yellow
victory and tragedy
feel it all
and use it
be raw
and fierce
and unapologetic

I was thinking that we could…
Walk together
Hand in hand
To the cliff in my heart
The one that you caused
It’s valley runs deep
We can walk there together

I was thinking that we could
Sit on the edge
And talk about why you
Were okay breaking me the way you did
And when we were done
You could jump off

I’ll listen to your agonizing cry
Until I can’t hear it anymore
And you would be dead To me
Never again able to reach out to me
Never again able to hurt me

I will heal over your grave
But I’ll never bring you flowers
You have no more power
over me

I write to you late at night when the world is asleep
I lay my head on my pillow and I write to you.
My hand never touches Pen
and ink never spills
on the empty pages of my journal
I close my eyes and in my mind
I write to you

Sometimes I wonder
do you exist for me
do you?
Nevertheless as God himself  is faithful
I write  to you.
I write you ballads that testify of
all that I have to give
...And
all of the time that I have waited
...And
all of the tears that I’ve cried as
I dreamed of you.

My love seemingly never ending
because after all these years
I have waited for you to tell me that it’s ok. That I don’t have to dream any more.
And that You are here right now.
And I’ll never be alone again.
“I’ll fight with you.
I’ll ride with you and
nothing but death will separate
me from you...”

I wait, I cry and I write to you
In playful haiku of how

I’ll wait and wait and
Wait and wait and wait right here
for you to find me

But then I grow
Older and wiser
because though love never fails
It does evolve
as do I until I am comfortable
Living without you
But secretly praying that you’ll come soon
I write to you.

Though words are sometimes few
Like “ today was great!
Why weren’t you here?”
Or
“I had a hard day, I wish you were here.
To hold me when there is joy and love me through the pain. “
I write to you

My brain won’t abstain because
Longing for you runs too deep.
“Please come find me!”
I write to you.

The words never escaping my mind
Because then I’ll have to admit
That I need you
Because
I am not supposed to need a man.
Because I can handle it on my own
The late nights. The tears.
The joys.
The pain.
Everything
On my own
Or I’m less than a woman
And Not to mention
weak

So
My darling
Maybe one day
You will be here
And I will sing to you every song that I have wanted to sing to you.
And I will tell you every joke that I have wanted to tell you.
And I’ll laugh with you
And every time
I remember today
I’ll Read you a poem
From the book that I wrote to you
A book that is hidden among the neurons
And electrons within my brain
An evolving tapestry
That tells the story of the
Never ending
Unquenchable
Love I have for you

In case you're reading this
I'm writing just for you
to remind you that you're not alone
when you are feeling blue

My hands were made to hold yours
in the midst of joy ans pain
my ears were made to hear your voice
amongst the wind and rain

My feet to dance a crazy dance
My voice to laugh and sing
and pray and cry and to stay silent
Howev'r you need me be

I was created to be a place
that you're safe being free
to calm your fears and dry your tears
your heart is safe in me

To the LOML
With or without you
I know who I am
My life is wonderful already
But it will be better
When you are in it
Wya

I want the one whose
gonna love me still after
the storm is over

I love you
that's all
those are the words
this is the poem

I love you
I can no longer play it safe
here today and everyday
I love you

of all the boys that
I've ever loved you by far
are my most favorite

"I loved you with a love that you weren't ready to receive, but you let me try. When you walked way it left me broken. It left me hopeless. It left me feeling like I could never do it right. My love could never be good enough. Never be pure enough. Never be right... enough. So I gave up. I closed the door to my heart vowing never to let "Love" in again. And I like it. I like living this way; cold, callous, hard, ruthless; because by living this way, I am empowered, and By living this way I am fierce. I will never be hurt again."

-letters from

Everything you can do
I probably invented it
I’m not finna give up my single card
To go through your *******

You explore your options
Imma explore mine
If I’m available
when you’re ready
I might give you my time

I told you I’m not playing games
With my own heart that is
I want a man
I can trust with my soul
he can trust me with his

If that’s not you
Well, that’s okay
I can love you and still walk away
But Me down on my knees
begging you to love me
Oh hell naw
Not today

One little thing
One tiny thought
Got Stuck inside my mind
An instant replay
a merry-go-round
Of a small moment in time

It goes round and round
Spinning a web
Both Intricate and profound
Becoming so much larger
Than it was before
the weight it brings me down

One lie from the beginning
Makes me doubt
everything that you say
I locked myself behind
Unbreakable glass
to keep from feeling this way

It didn’t work
I let you in
you slowly won my trust
Then you withdrew
And I got scared
So I ran away from us

I locked you out
of my small glass room
And watched you from afar
I watched you try
to get me back
my pain became a scar

soon, you left
it hurt me bad
to watch you walk away
if I had
to do it again
I'd ask for you to stay