for two minutes each day
i’m all yours

Did you notice?
Did you care?
.
.
.
Are you lying?

A day without you is meaningless.

i did not let go.
i held on till there was nothing left to hold on to.
i held on even when the string tightened and cracked my bones.
i held on through rope-burn until i had no skin left.
“and was it worth it?
what did you get in return?”
a broken hand.

I need something to take my mind off this anger
this constant pull of
***** you
and
what the hell did you expect
I'm mad at you
but I can't let you know
I need something to ****
I need something to crush
I need something other than my own skin to split
You've made it clear
that I'm a big fat
F
A
    I
     L
        U
          R
             E
Now I need something to take away
this anger

I care
SO MUCH.
At least,
I can pretend
To fit in with the emotions
Of the latest social trend.
I am cold.
I am controlled.
I know that empathy
Can further me.
If only I can pretend that I am not just pretending.

too early
too late
“are you sure this is what
i’m supposed to do”
didn’t sleep
can’t eat
“you overthink”
true

The criminal always revisits the scene of the crime, as if you were the criminal, and lying to me was the crime. Does that make me the victim? Well then who was the witness? Was she your accomplice? We have left this alone for a year, you moved on, I wasn't expecting to find you back here, where I am stuck on this metaphorical street, waiting, just waiting, for the criminal to return to the scene of the crime, all the while I was waving to passerby's and saying "I'm fine!" Was I lying? Would that be a crime? I'm fine, ******* it, I was doing just fine! Until the criminal decided to return to the scene of the crime, what's even the difference between a wrong and right lie? And what if I were to just say goodbye, to you and her and him, would that be okay? It not like we have much to say, part of the same crime, but on different sides, and what if I can't leave this metaphorical spot on the street? You could promise me to never come back, but we both know that would be a lie- because the criminal always returns to the scene of the crime.

Scene: You were standing in a field with lots of lovely wildflowers.
There was blood everywhere,
A gallon and a half,
(to be almost exact)
And she was pale-
Like the moon,
If you want to be cliché, if not
maybe a piece of mozzarella
Ha! (What a cheesy metaphor!)
She was Still
Still
Still
But she was not Still breathing
Her lungs were ice, you can't
Catch your breath with a frozen chest.
So there she was lying in the sun,
Absolutely and totally covered in blood
And here they come-
the butterflies.
Growing up you saw pictures
of butterflies, sitting on flowers,
you probably even learned about their life cycle.
And when you got older someone told you

Hey! Did you know butterflies drink blood too?

And maybe you did know that and maybe you didn't, but the important part is that it's true and you probably haven't put much thought into it. I mean why would you?

anyway, my point.

The butterflies come and they perch on her arms, and chest, and eyes.
They rest, and they drink, and they live just a little bit longer and soon she is absolutely covered head to toe and you can't see her pale moon face, you just have to imagine that her body is under this chaotic blob, and more of them are coming and now all of them are fighting, and you never even thought that this was possible,
and now they're hitting each other and falling and dying and you, the luckiest soul gets to watch the battle of the butterflies.

The terrible grace of beauty under pressure.

you forgot about things we used to care about together
before everything we had got a little bit harder to have

bitter much?
yeah i’m bitter

never gonna be one of the group
one of the guys
we don’t share friends
we only share lies

what the **** is my problem?
its you
its true

you lie to me
cover it up
i’m too far ahead
watch you clean it up

i pretend that i don’t
exhausted, overwhelmed
the kind of pain in my chest that i can’t scream out

i wake up and
everything hurts

i’m half alive on my drive home
cursing out the plates in front of me-
“decide, Delaware!” “figure it out, florida!”
treating the road lines as suggestions
as i speed along home to sleep.
and when i get there, the door creaks open in greeting, i toss my **** down on the counter
and pull my numb, freezing feet out of my work boots, thinking all the while
“crap i tracked mud in on the carpet again”
i bounce on my heels to reach the heater,
turning it Up Up Up so i can finally feel okay again.
when i think about dinner, it’s just pause
i tear open the fridge door and see
redbull zero and diet pepsi

my ex-lovers mouth is not a
place I'm proud of lurking
drowned in alcohol and cigarettes
he said
were from all the stress of working

Jealousy.
As in the way you stay up late
texting her
not
me.
Or how we used to talk
every day.
Now you talk
with
her.
I told myself not to get
attached.
I told
myself,
People
Aren't
Permanent.
But I
failed to listen
to myself
again.
This time
you win.

You were my
Perfect porcelain doll
I left you buried in a garden,
like that book we both loved

I'm sorry

I miss you
the way you always knew how to listen
and never left when I told you to
because you knew something was wrong

I miss you
I thought I heard you sigh
but I turned to smile and
it was not you
just my imagination

I need you
Right now
next to me
letting my cry on you
and helping me from getting so
angry

You've been gone for only a year
but the cat has already forgotten your name

I miss you

biting, burning, clawing, stirring
ripping, tearing, teasing, pulling
seams are stretching
eyes are pooling
sick and angry
tired, moody
apologies are overdue
not sure what’s been owed to who
don’t swim, just sink
don’t fly, just fall
dont scream for help
while you quietly stall
im disappointed
im disappointing
and
i see the lights press on between
the darkened streets im wandering
stretched like taffy
stuck like glue
are you mine
or do i belong to you?

Possessive and Dismissive
You have to do back flips to get her point,
She says she cares when she doesn't and
she says she doesn't care when she does
You can't worry about her because she can handle herself
But you have to worry
She snaps if she's in a bad mood
She snaps if she's in a good mood
She is New York and California
She is the sun and the moon
She is decisive and unsure
She seems a bit hard to love,
it's the only certain thing about her.

coffee crazy coffee crazy
drip drip drip drip
down the side of my mug
3 am
this is why i stay Away
from this stuff
coffee crazy
on my third cup
liquid prison
sitting dizzy
just one more please just
one more
i am not done working
4 am
it just felt like a few minutes
I’m loosing track of the
5 am
hours the clock is running faster with each
ounce
heart beat heart beat
unsteady
it’s horribly unsteady
it’s horribl-6 am-y unsteady
but i write and i write and i write
about every uncertain, earth shattering broken heart
and the unsteady shake of the earth and
the broken unsteady beats ripping me apart
7 am
sunrise and i am
b l i n d e d
by the soft uncentered light
drifting through my hazy hazy  window
and my legs are shaking and 8 am i am
sure i am dead
and by 9 i am six
feet
under
the ground

i always have cold feet
because i don’t eat
homeostasis
called me up on the phone
but i didn’t have the time
living life in the fast lane
desperately grasping at rhymes
i know why i’m always cold though
my friends and i race through the snow
in nothing but bikinis and speedos
i want to run away from you
because i don’t know how to speak
when i’m staring at your face
you touch your hand to my waist
i take vitamins to keep my hair from falling out
but i can track my symptoms in other ways
blacking out for days
dull eyes
yellow teeth
paranoia
and cold feet

slippery word
you say it like you mean it
by which i mean
you don’t
scratching at my lungs
cool
lifting up your tongue
cool
i do what i say i won’t

cool

I am not shy. I am loud, I am talkative, I am the first to start a conversation, I am not afraid to tell a stranger everything on my mind, I will laugh too loud in front of people, I will cry too hard in front of people, I will tell any secret that is mine to tell, I almost always know what to say, I like to socialize, I enjoy company, I enjoy talking, I enjoy listening. But not when it comes to you. When it comes to you I am so scared to make a wrong move. When it comes to you my heart bursts open into my brain prohibiting logical thoughts. When it comes to you I am painfully shy, I listen too long, I talk too little, I cover my mouth when I laugh, I make small movements, because I do not care what random strangers think of me, but I do care how you think of me. I care if you like how I look or talk and I care if you think I am interesting, and I want so bad to fake who I am just to impress you but I don't think that will be necessary because you seem to like me. And thats good. I like me too.

To the girl with a crooked smile
I haven't seen you for a while
But last time I did
You were sporting a split lip
And a black eye
Are you alright?
It always looks like you've just lost a fight.
I gave you my address
In case you needed to escape
To a safe place
But you never came
Did you find a better place
To play hide and seek?
And as the news come on
It's looking rather bleak.
Tragedy struck our little town tonight
Because dad got drunk
And you didn't want to fight.

You aren't weird
You're trying too hard to be
Anything but what you are
Which is perfectly normal

She is green tea with honey,
summer days and blonde hair.
She is a golden retriever
and a husky,
happy, intelligent, yet reserved.
She is the beach and a sunrise,
campfires and s’mores in the warm air
breathing in the dust and smoke,
laughing about two years ago.
She is incense and paintings,
blue walls and ceilings,
she is a ***** joke said
offhand with raised eyebrows,
she is stacks of books and video games,
she is bubblegum ice cream and
walking through a cemetery.
She is old technology and practicality,
she is punctuality  and arriving
early with a peach smoothie in hand.
She is the cold shock of river water.
She is alternative music blaring from
a ****** car radio and a road trip
where everyone but the driver falls asleep.
She is rock candy and ice cream bars, riding the biggest
roller coaster ten times over again.
She is a content silence and
a sly smile.
She is mine and you cannot have her.

I'm sitting in a bathtub
And it's midnight,
I'm trying not to drown myself
But I'm already drowning
Like the fact that I'm all alone
And I don't want to go back
To where I used to call home
Because I'm not missed there anymore
And I wish that I could say the same
But I'm missing the doll-like faces
Stuck in porcelain places
It's just a stupid memory
Of being  happy
And I know it isn't real
But maybe it could have been
Maybe I'm just an idiot
Because everyone has moved on
To bigger things and bigger people
And I have not

When I look at him I wonder if he even knows he's addicted. Addicted to the way she laughs, and how the curves of her mouth turn up into a smile. If he knows he is drunk on the way that she sighs at the rain, or how she talks to the cat late at night. Does he know that she is what makes his reality worth it? And at the same time I wonder if she knows. If she knows that he the reason the blood races through her veins. If she knows that he is the reason that her lungs feel so full. That he is the dizzy lightheadedness, the weightless feeling within. Does she know that he is what creates her earth?

i’m just a scared little kid
afraid of losing what
i already lost

And me?
I became a new age pestilence
gone all the time
I had a new cough everyday
dark circles lined my red watery eyes.
I didn’t sleep
I didn’t eat
and when I did?
I puked it up,
you could sell me on TV
as death with a coffee cup.
I didn’t finish that project
so I took a hammer
to my wrist;
and when we learned that if someone died
during finals
the rest of us would pass?
You all laughed,
but my mind went dark
I began wondering
exactly when could
I slip cyanide
into that poor girls
hydroflask.
Can’t you see
what’s driving me?
These letter grades and GPA’s
are making me lose my mind;
you tell me I’m fine,
it doesn’t matter.
But what if i’m not great
at anything else?
What if I’m not good enough?
I just wanted to be good enough.

I am watching you
In my peripheral vision
And counting all the times you look at me (when you think I don't see)
By the end of the night it's at 43
That sounds pretty lucky to me

I fell in love with the sky and maybe thats why i loved you. you were an angel and i was a mermaid, i sat in depths and i couldn’t get back up and live on the surface, like you could; i didn’t have wings; i couldn’t fly like you could; but i could swim into realities and see the pretty world the way that it was. it was so painful to look at the stars and know id never get there. maybe thats why i chose you


it turns out that you were not an angel and maybe I’m not a mermaid. thats all well and dandy because i’m going to reach the stars one day and frankly, i don’t care about you anymore.

She was an interesting girl,
No one could deny
You could see the galaxy
Every time she cried

We hold the galaxy in our hands, yet we still reach for the things we can't have.

when you think of me am i the worst? do you even think of me? I see you in my dreams sometimes and try to explain how much I miss you. you ask me why are you being so mean? And I say this isn't real. Do you ever look for me in the background the same way I look for you? Do you regret the choices you made? Or was leaving me behind something you look back on with confidence. I cry when I miss you but I just can't imagine you doing the same. I wish I could wish you were doing well but honestly I hope you burn without me. How dare you be okay. How dare you not miss me. How long will it take me to move on? I don't know. Maybe I won't.

I was never really close to the place
You used to tear your heart open
You claim
You think if you put on thick skin
We'll turn a blind eye
We'll be so hurt
That we will leave you alone
As we sulk and lick our wounds
And we will cry to our pillows
About how stupid we were to hurt you
As you laugh and you live
Your new life
(Without strife)
You left that all behind when you left us out dry
But we aren't crying
Or dying
Or beginning good byes
But we're sighing
And trying
To start again

She wears her heart on her sleeve
Quite literally,
And with a needle
And some ink
She writes her own destiny

i miss you

being vulnerable is very scary, and to be honest with you, i’m not currently the biggest fan. like whats the deal with putting all the sensitive squishy parts out to get stabbed? and why does it feel so **** good when they don’t?

please be patient with me! i am still learning! i am still growing! i am getting better every day!

i am feeling. very shaky and many things at once. but when i’m numb i always miss the feeling of feeling so even if it hurts i’m going to enjoy it

filling up
emotional mess
like coldplay
a rush of blood to the head
i am not a motel
but you take what you need
and you leave me anyway
in the dark waiting for
a call that will never come

I have known her my entire life, yet I will never understand her reluctance to live.

all my friends are scared of intimacy
but i still **** like a rabbit
i hate myself
but i still love all my bad habits  
thought i could write
guess i was wrong
the world is a stage
and i’m playing along
but i don’t know this show
-don’t know the words,
don’t know where to go
i’m missing the blocking
it’s overwhelming
it’s shocking
but does anyone know all of the prose?
do i need to know where everyone goes?
maybe it’s time to pull a kerouac
spend some time on the road
get out of my head
lighten my load
but i know enough to know
that i’ll never go
too scared of what’s next
of death, the unknown
so i’ll just keep playing
one confused lonely pawn
throw my heart on the stage
while the audience yawns

Storm storm storm
I storm out of the room
I avoid eye contact out of shame
I shift, I slide
I rain, I reign

You can't hurt me
If I can't hear you

I will romanticize the things that I am
in poems.
Maybe then I can trick you into falling in love with me.

The more I find out about family
History
I realize
That being a traitor
Is simply in my bloodline
I'm a cheap rosé
Pretending to be fine wine
From French nobility
To Spanish pride
My ancestors wrought havoc
On their own modern times
It's time for me to step up to the plate
And make my choice
To grow into the role I was assigned
Or write my own lines
But whatever I choose
The choice is mine
And I know whoever I am
I'll be great
remembered
divine,
How do I know?
It's simply in my bloodline.

Every sentence is punctuated with a little sigh
because I know I lose more of your attention every second
and you don't even bother to listen now,
you fight back ,
you help me drown.

Sometimes when I feel very alone,
I want to call you and apologize in every language I know.

And then I remember that you do not miss me, you do not care about me, and you do not deserve an apology from me because I have done nothing wrong.

And then I feel a little bit more alone. And a little bit more okay with it.

A cat
is a fluffy ball
of fur
that is capable
of making everything better
with a rough
and wet lick
against the
warm tears on my
cheek

You say you still want to talk
I think it's better if we don't
Don't worry, I'm fine
My heart is just a bit broke

I am Impatient
and Incessant
and I'm sure I will be
absolutely overdressed
to my own death.
My God
have you ever seen a girl
look so brokenhearted
over a dumb game of chess?
A debate lost in hate
and traveling affairs
luring in to the lustful
witches lairs.
I'm rhyming and dining
the newest generation
of plastic,
photo copy,
photo-shoot-ready,
instagram celebrities.
I'm no genius,
I'm just obsessed.
Do you get what I'm saying?
Because I certainly don't.