the alcohol was not my escape.
you were.

the only pain
stronger
than the one lying alone on your
bedroom floor with
an empty
bottle clutched to your chest
where she was supposed to be
is the pain
lying on the bathroom floor
when all you
can
do is try to lift your head
to the toilet to
***** the
rest of her out of you

you were so beautiful
the first time he told you that you
were too big for any man to handle
you were so beautiful

when he told you your stretch
marks were ugly so you cut them open
they were only evidence of you growing, becoming
now there's only the proof that you are lost, not knowing
you are something so beautiful

even though I know the heart
shaped bruises covering this
body do not feel like love bites
even though this body does not feel like yours anymore

even though he left you shaking
on the bathroom floor just trying
to find the strength to lift you
head to the toilet to ***** some more
you are so beautiful

even though this body
your body
has been empty for so long
you are so beautiful

does your body shake
when you
look down at your bruised knuckles
does it look like
the world is dangling
like a yo-yo from a string
tied around your finger
or does it tug
like a noose
on the last morning you thought
this world would finally
leave you alone
did you feel me
when the butterflies in my
stomach
flew out the end of
your unlit cigarette
were you trying to breathe me in
or ******* away
it doesn't take much
to ******* away
I am that string
wrapped around your finger
with the world on the other end
pulling us down

That nature moves in steady rhythms and cycles is one of the most fundamental realities of our universe.
I never meant to hurt you.
When you told me you loved me.
When I didn't say it back,
When it happened again.
"Fool me once," you said, "fool me once."

And I am still waiting for you to come back again.
I am still waiting for you to come crawling back with familiar stories of superiority hiding in the pockets of your ripped jeans- I mean- how often do you see leaves fall while they're still green?

For us it happens every season. The reason you keep coming back is not out of love therefore how can you be surprised when I fool you twice, three times, four times, is this what love looks like? Five, six, seven, the heavens do not feel bad for you anymore. God may be forgiving but I am not and you hurt me just as much as I hurt you, I-
I did love you.