i'm sorry i'm such a
c
o
  w
    a
      r
        d
and that i can't keep us moving forward
you have no idea how much i want this to be
but you deserve better than me
i know you don't understand as much as you say you do
i'm sorry i never meant to hurt
y
  o
    u
you're the one that would get hurt
i don't care about me anymore
i'm sorry i'm such a people
p
l
   e
    a
     s
      e
        r
and i wish there was a way i could make this easier
again i say you deserve better
and i'm not worth anything that matters
so i know you'll probably see this
and i kind of wish you would read it
because i am so
s
o
   r
     r
       y
and i wish you knew
everything that i've said
and everything i wrote  and you've never read
but then again this was up to you
and this, this is okay too

I look up at a star shooting across the sky and wonder
What would it be like if the entire world lined up tonight
Where we all got our kisses under mistletoe
And in our own little worlds, everything would be right
I wish that the stars would align and I could sleep
I wish that I knew if anyone stayed up at night thinking about me
I wish that the snow would come and that Christmas feeling would return
Because right now I just want everything to burn
So I think all I want for Christmas is that
Everything went right for once, and that it was a proven fact
Not just for me but for everyone else
So spill your secret wishes on stars everyone, they won't tell

My room is dark and cold
And I'm beginning to think about summer and how I've gotten so old
I'll be sixteen in six days
And I miss summer and the warmth of the suns rays
I think my best summer was two years ago
For many a reason, you know
I remember sitting out on warm pavement, brushing bubbles out of our hair
Breathing in the nine o'clock summer air
Where it was okay to take a walk and look at the stars
Without things being complicated or over thought
There was a trip to a carnival where everything fell apart
But we all found love among the broken hearts
I remember throwing rubber ducks at my best friends
Everything was so much easier back then
There were farmers' markets and radishes (don't ask)
And something along the lines of questions that didn't need to be asked
"Want to dance?" and "Really?"
With responses like I don't know or maybe
There were only sandals and small pools way back when
And I never thought that would end
Until everything got complicated with everyone
And I was tired of being left alone
I think that was before all that love too
Remember how easy that was?

In case anyone was wondering
It's almost impossible to encourage something
You never want to happen in the first place
So lets put on a happy face
And block out the image of her lips on his
Even if she won't admit it

you know i simply don't understand
all the hype about the clock and it's hands
that change from 11:59 to 12 o'clock
but not as much changes as i thought
i still want to lay in bed
and escape the monsters in my head
nothing really changes overnight
so it really isn't worth the hype

I wonder what it would be like
To get drunk with you for just one night
To forget about everything in our past
And everything that could or couldn't last
I wonder how it would be
If we tasted smoke while kissing
To get crazy with no one around
And talk without muttering a sound
I wonder what you would do
If you knew I felt nothing for you
That I found a new temporary fix
And honey, you're not it
I wonder why I can't stop wondering
With the lack of regret I'm harboring
Along with the creeping love for someone else
Maybe I'll just keep this to myself

I'm going insane and I don't know where to go or who to be
I know I want what I want but I can't dissect your freaken poetry
So I stare at it for hours and try to find meaning between the rhyming words
But I'm left wondering if anything means nothing at all

I love the way your eyes light up when you smile
Like the amber sun dipping towards the ground
I love the way you see right through me
How you somehow know i'm always down
You can sing with a choir of angles
But don't ask me how that sounds
Your nonsense babbling is adorable
But you sure can argue and mess around
You're passive and aggressive
I think it depends on the day
And you don't know how beautiful you are
Or how your butterfly eyes fly away

How would you feel knowing that you were my hero with a loser complex
But now you're nothing but a self gratified loser who ruined all of it
How would you feel knowing that sometimes I regret everything I ever said to you
Because nothing you ever said back to me was even true
If you can just move on without looking back
Then what what we had was nothing but nothing will compare to what we had
So get used to sleepless nights and poison lips
With petty lies and hands on hips
If you can't even repair things with your "best friend"
Then everything else is destine to end

i tore your picture into shreds and on the back i wrote
that i wish you were dead
because you took it farther than it needed to be
when you realize no one likes you don't come running back to me
maybe you got what you deserved
because no broken heart should force those words to be heard
your tears fill a river and i'm nowhere to be found
so if you ever speak to me again
keep in mind who said i'll never been your friend
i'd call you a *******
but i like your mom more than you so i'll refrain from it

Shrouded by a jacket (it was blue and plaid)
I tripped over myself and glanced around but nothing was said
I remember it clearly: a flash of lime green and brown hair
I spun around in shock-wondering if he was still there
I stood there for a minute and watched him walk away
I wanted to run after him that day
But I just kept walking and look where we are now
Still getting lost among the crowds
But when I picked up my phone he replied
That wouldn't happen this time

I walked inside the gym and scanned the crowds on the floor
Not that I knew what I was looking for
I texted for him to stand up and he said no
So I was searching for an imaginary friend on my own
I walked up awkwardly and he smiled and played with his hands
I didn't know what that meant back then
So I sat down and started to talk and I guess you could say we got along well
But I was turned around watching for someone else

My eyes flitted around in the dark
I bit my lip as the years started
The choice was out in the open:
You or him
But I was young and stupid (still am)
And I walked away with blood on my hands
Leaving song lyrics hanging in the silence
And the stifled sound of my crying
And I listened to "Stay" over and over again
You said please understand
But I didn't
And you still left

I remember my shaking hands as I walked up his drive way
But when he opened the door with a smile everything melted away
And he said I looked nice but I didn't know what to say
So I croaked out something like "you do too"
Good God, his eyes were so blue
And I remember dancing and laughing about a girl we both knew
And there were the lights
They seemed to be so bright
And in that moment everything was right
The next morning I buried it away in a box
It's still there-wouldn't want it to get lost
Detox just to retox

"Two" you said when they asked how many
I want to say it was a Wednesday
And I was wearing paint splattered pants
And you were wearing a Fall Out Boy shirt that I want
Along with plaid that totally didn't match
He was SUCH a good catch
When we sat down I scanned the menu like a cheap date
And spilled water all over myself and hoped he didn't see my face
(I don't think he did)
It was just a little awkward at first
But I suppose it could've been worse
It's not like it was a date, after all
So I held my head high and stood tall
And ordered the exact same thing he did

It was Halloween the last time I saw you
And I was wearing your shirt
And it smelled like you and musty basement
We had just gotten home when you walked in
And the whole night kind of seemed wasted
We played a game, I think
But it's not like it mattered who won
We were kind of in our own little world
And I was hoping you wouldn't go home
We all piled on each other to watch a movie
And I told you not to sing
All we did was talk the whole time
Not that it meant anything
I was a little to comfortable in your arms
And wanted you to hold me tighter
When the lights flickered down
I thought I might fall asleep and that would've been alright
We talked until about 2 am that night
Not that I minded at all
I think I missed you a little too much
And I tripped and started to fall

I pile stuffed animals on my bed
Seeing stuffing instead of red
Clinging to them tight
They know how to hold me right
Back to childhood
Where everything was always good
No scars to bear-nothing to fear
And smiling ear to ear in a mirror
Reveling in the scent of those days
I snuggle close and everything else dies away
With what's left of learning our letters
Hoping as we get older that everything gets better

superman dropped me as he flew away/i was slumped on the ground and cried for days/ i picked myself up and shook of the daze/ignoring the mindless superman craze/he's not the good boy that they all say/he's not sweet and he's not brave/but as much as i hate him, i love him that way.

I think that I've reached a new low
Where two am means pizza in the shower with music I've sworn to hate (you're everything I want to hate)
Instead of breakfast for dinner
With someone I'd promised to date

It means being a hopeless romantic on Friday evenings
And burying my head in the sheets every other night
You know what they say
If you're out of sight, you're out of mind

But none of that compares to your ringtone at four in the morning
Sending octopus emojis and asking me to come get ******
But strangely enough
Everything about you feels like home

So I'll make the water hotter and turn up the sound
And cold pizza is better any other way
But it's better than dreaming of you
And wasting my life away

i wrote your name in the sand
pebbles embedding themselves in my feet
the water comes to eat it away
oh, this is how the ocean loves
the foam lapped at my paint chipped toes
buried like shells in the sand
washing away all my tears
oh, this is how the ocean loves
my footprints sank into wet sand
rocks drawing pinpricks of blood
leaving behind all my regret
oh, this is how the ocean loves
i dove into the waves
turning my head to the downpour
keeping my head above water
oh, this is how the ocean loves
i watched the sun
i watched the moon
glistening on star-kissed waters
oh, this is how the ocean loves

Mascara stains on my bedroom door
Slumped on the back
Laying on the floor
Sometimes I don't even know what for
Broken with tears streaming down my face
So I'll grab my keys and drive to your place
Knock on the door, I wonder what you'll say
Maybe just tell me to go away
Oh dear god just hold me close
Hold be once before you go
Kiss me once so that I'll know
I never needed your affection
I never needed your roses

There's a knock, knock, knock on your bedroom door
We both know that it's her
So you jump up fast and I'm on the floor
I knew this was a mistake
Oh and I know what I did it for
So I jump, jump, jump out the window now
I don't know when and I don't know how
But then I woke up cause the music's too loud
There's still stains on my door
And I'm still laying on the floor
Only now I'm crying more than before
Because you were just a piece of dreamland lore
So I'll hush, hush now
And then go to sleep
Maybe, just maybe
You're dreaming of me

Nothing is never as it seems
Yet still
Nothing is everything
We can analyze it
Paraphrase it
Or even cauterize it
But nothing is seemingly
Better than something
Better to see nothing at all
Than to think
Think deeply
About what something is
What it means
Or how it lives

The night in question was September
That's when I realized nothing had changed
Three years had gone by
But some things were still the same

The sun was setting slow
And the radio was blaring loud
Push it down, push it down
But when you looked at me I was always just a face in the crowd
So I'll always push it down

You asked me if I wanted to go
Begged and pleaded up until now
But it was just the quiet echoes
Of everybody else bailing out
It was never about me
Never about my company
Just about someone I could never be
I will always be a quiet memory

The day in question was May
This time I did the asking and the shouts
It was a yes then a no then a simple I'm out
And even now I'm not surprised
Still just another face in the crowd

It doesn't hurt anymore
If I push it down, push it down
And recognize my place in this world
Below everybody and anyone around

It's been four years
And it'll be four more
Some things will never change
So I don't try anymore
I will always just push it down
Push it down
Push it down

He's got an eye for storms so he walks right in
A Bible in one hand
And in the other a sin
Torn between who he wants to be
With everyone else pushing and prodding
He doesn't know who to believe
He's the guy at the party with the drink in his hand
Rambling about how guilty he is
But drinking as much as he can

A walking contradiction
A Bible in one hand
And in the other a sin
He can't feel the world around him
So he tears himself apart just searching
For anything that means something
A word or a song or a remedy
A book or a person or just maybe
An identity

Late at night
Lying in bed
You run through my head
Sometimes a quick flash
Other times you are here forever
But whatever the cause we are always together
No matter what's in the way
At the end of the day
There's one thing I can count on
Thoughts of you
And dreams of what's to come
For no one knows the future
But we all have our dreams
Our desires
Our wants
Our fantasies
We are not responsible for what we crave
But some secrets we bring to the grave
Burying them for all of time
Some thoughts have no rhythm or rhyme
Serve no purpose or job
But just help us get along
And make it through this thing called life
We can't do it alone
But many of us try
Crashing and burning
Like fireworks in the sky
-JR

I thought you said you'd be there for me
And that you always have pizza
And added a smile for effect
But I don't think you meant it
Because I can feel your regret
You put up walls that are painted blue
An icy shade, just like your eyes
And you don't know what to say
But what you do say might be lies
Maybe you're just awkward
(Well I know you are)
But when it comes to trying to fix me
You are especially
I know I can be mean and I can be harsh
But I'm just hurting, okay
But if you don't care or know what to say
I guess that's okay...
I thought I could count on you
And you say I can
But I guess not
And I'll just leave you alone

Take a step back from the past then maybe you'll see
What it would be like to be with someone like me
Something new
Something different
Something grand
Baby we'd write our own imaginary land
And it would be at the work of our own hands
A red haired maiden with an imaginary lover
With eyes and a heart for no other
Cause baby you're a writer just like me
And I think you know what I mean
Take a step back from the past then maybe you'll see
What it would be like to be with someone like me

It's 10:55 on December 27th and I swear that I
will be able to forget the constellation freckles on your arms
and how you shoved the "passive aggressive" note you asked me to write like I used to
into your bag and shrugged it off when I asked like--
like you don't know your own charm.

It told you to "stop messing around on Facebook and write your **** :)",
which may have been the last thing I would ever tell you to do--
I forget--
just like you forgot how much you missed my notes and reminders and all of it
(except for me).

So, if you can forget about every Sunday night
and the way your fingers danced on my ankle and my thigh,
then I can pretend I never loved you in a way I swore no one else could
because, to this day, I'm upset that you seem to think that there was anyone else besides you
in this endless universe that ever would
do.

I will forget the way you said my name when you were tired, frustrated, and alone,
and the way you asked me to get wine drunk,
because the 150 reasons that I was in love with you
are the same reasons that I need to let you go, too.

Sometimes
Summer makes it easier to breathe
Sometimes
It makes it easier to leave
There's nothing to stay for
Just another day of writing poems and checking the weather
Staying up late-counting the stars
Talking to people that you know leave scars
What was bad becomes good
Perspective changes-and maybe it should
Getting caught up in glistening water and a golden sun
Missing red flags-forgetting to run
As school sneaks up again
You're forced to see what's important and who are you friends
Some things can only live in summer- friendships and summer love
As for the haze-you are forced to rise above

What am I doing?
I'm so glad you asked
Waiting for an author to write a perfect book
Waiting for an artist to paint the perfect canvas

Watching the stars for a moment
Hoping something will collapse
I guess I'm just painfully, desperately waiting
For something miraculous to happen

I woke up thinking it was a memory
But here I am
Alone in this tiny little bed
Wishing what I dreamed is what really happened
I really need to stop this
I don't even know what to call it
Maybe I should just deem it nothing
And go back to sleep and keep dreaming

The light in her soul and the sparks in his eyes
Like the stars and the moon that come out at night
The sky in its never ending glory tries to keep them apart
But there's so many places to hide in the dark

The constellations carry their whispers across the skies
And the clouds report back to their master but all they tell are lies
Because one could never see a more perfect heart
Than that of the moon and its stars

Every once and a while the moon has to come out during the day
And the stars have to explode because a sacrifice needs to be made
They can't escape the sky but they can keep their space
And nothing can be heard if there's nothing to say

I imagine that you'd taste like spring
You'd taste like fresh water and grass clippings
And running my hands through your too long hair
Everything around us decorated in blues and greens
Take it all in with breath of fresh air

I imagine that your eyes are the color of candies
Golds and reds and browns
Your fingers feel like reinforced branches
Against the green twigs of my own

I imagine that being with you would be like rain
There would be fights and there would be cold nights
But April showers bring May flowers
And I know everything would be alright

I imagine what it would take for me to stop thinking of you in this moment
Harsh winters and a harsher spring
But when the breeze of regrowth blows on through
The streams cannot rush as fast as the feelings

So as I imagine my toes tickling the grass
I have to imagine that I'm insane
Because it's not that spring anymore
And it never will be again

Your poetry
Etches a way into my heart
Corny but truthful
Your art
Leaves pictures in my head
Beautifully meaningful
It really is too bad
This isn't meant to be