Heartbreak filled with hope
Home is where the heart cannot
No more hopeful memories
Hope shattering
Leaving behind only broken glass
Shards of mirrored memories
Slice delicately through my skin
Leaving nothing but the scars
Scars from the greatest sin
What is a sin?
Harming others?
Conformation?
You want me to be like you
Bleed like you
Yet my blood runs black
Black as the night sky
Where I feel at home
The night sky
Scars fade to look like stars
Stars in the night sky
Save me!
From him?
From myself?
How do I save me?
How do I save myself?

I long for the tender touch of your fingers against the flesh of mine
I ache to feel your warm embrace
I loathe the distance between us
Yet distance makes the heart grow fonder
Could I be fonder of you, my dear?

I’m a hopeless romantic
More hopeless than romantic
You see I revolve around this
Silly little cyclical cycle
Spinning myself this silly little tale
Yet when it comes to the game
The chess match that is flirtation
I falter…
Knight to a simple hug
Pawn to longing for more
You see I don’t want to lose what we have
The times we spend together
I savor every moment with you
Stealing glances from across the table
Peeking through a hand of cards
You see when we first met
I didn’t mean to fall for you
You were a clear harbor after a sea full of storms
And I took shelter in the port of your friendship
After a while i found myself dreaming
Deep in the forests of your hazel eyes
I only hope that one day you’ll see
I paint constellations in your freckles
I dream of running my fingers through your hair
Your laugh reverberating behind smiles
I dream of one day being yours
But I settle for my weekly stipend
One gentle embrace
From you

It makes my flesh crawl to hear you
Yesterday, you know.
He should’ve been at the funeral
Friends and relatives of the missing gathered
Like a flame made weak by lies.
The good news was pounced upon and passed on
It couldn’t be a coincidence
The man's head had been sawed open
You didn’t close the door.
You let them in.
You killed him.

He caresses my thumb, as we walk down the autumnal beach
What made him fall for me I ask
You can just tell when you’re in love. He whispers.
What did you say?
You heard me.
My heart fluttered, Love.
Is that what this is
Love?

The World spins so fast that we can’t feel it
This planet we are standing on is moving at 1000 miles an hour
But we can’t feel it
It’s a constant rate of movement, no speeding up and no slowing down
Which is why we can’t feel it
The earth is just spinning,
and we are just a passenger
Moving throughout space on a giant flying rock
No control over where we will end up
No control over where this rock is going
Yet we just keep moving forward
Launching ourselves at 1000 miles per hour
Straight around the sun
Which seems to be a good motto for life
We should launch ourselves at whatever we want to do at full force
1000 miles per hour
Straight around the sun
Moving us forward
Step by step
Mile by mile
Year by precious year
The earth is proof that we can,
No
We will, make it through this
We will push through and live our best lives
We will.

1 People who take red lights as suggestions
#2 People who drink espresso straight
#3 People who flirt with no intention
#4 People who have a hatred for anyone who isn’t straight or normal
#5 People who think short people can’t do anything. We can but it may involve climbing on anything that gets in our way
#6 People who follow the rules
#7 People who don’t follow the rules
#8 People who decide that they’re better than everyone else because they’re parents have a little more money
#9 People who think getting tattoos and dying your hair is a mistake
#10 Math teachers

My finger has a heartbeat she said
Resting her hand on my wrist
Watching her finger bounce up and down
As blood flowed through my veins

We only realized we were holding hands when it was time to let go
She released my hand from her grasp and walked away.
The way her feet danced across the beach each step leaving an indent in the sand, the water washing it away moments later.
We drifted further as the water tore her from me
She returned to the sea where she belonged.
As she walked into the water I noticed she had scales
Blue scales where her legs once were
This is why she needed to go
Returning to her home
Into the sea
We only realized we were holding hands when it was time to let go
I go to the beach, the same one
Every day
Hoping
That one day,
She will return
I loved her
Wishing that I could follow her there
Deep into the sea
To see her once more is my dream
We only realized we were holding hands when it was time to let go…..

You made me cry out
I hate you, no, I love you
But that’s just not true

I think of him too often
I don't think he ever leaves my mind
I find myself dreaming of him
Or listening to the music he's shown me
Maybe it's cause he makes them go away
The voices in the back of my head
Telling me to do awful things to myself
But I usually don't listen anyway
It's just better when I can't hear them at all
I turn his music up all the way so I can't think
Well, so they can't talk to me
Even thinking of him makes them go away
I guess I just need my weekly shot of him
More than just weekly...
Every night I see him.
Well. I Skype him.
But if it's all I get then I'll take it.
To me, he once was this shy kid
Hardly talked
He was really cute
I asked for a hug and his number
He smiled and gave me both
I texted him
We joked
We became close
I now get a nightly shot of him.
But even that's not enough.
I want to wake up beside him
With him holding me in my arms
I want to always be with him
He is mine
He takes care of me when I'm sad
He holds me close
I thought he’d never let me go.
Until he did…

She spilled the wine, again
My aunt says walking into the living room to get a towel
She always spills her wine on her white pants
Always the white pants
You would think she would switch to white wine
But she likes her Malbec
I now see where I get it from
I’m clumsy too
Spilling glass after glass of water
They banned me to plastic at one point
But soon returned me to glass
Last week I broke a glass in the trunk of my car
It was my grandmothers
Blue and covered in butterflies
It hurt knowing I lost what could’ve been the only thing I had of hers
It could be
But it isn’t
I cherish the moments I get to spend with her
In the tiny apartment above the bay
Her house sold in 5 days
400,000$
We couldn’t show her the house
It would break her heart
She loves the days she gets to see her dog
When he comes up from mass
I love her
But at least I have something of hers
Her love.

“Is this a good idea?” I ask
Watching the boys run down the hill
“It’s an idea” one of them yells back
I follow them
We’re searching for an apartment complex
One that creepy as all hell at night
Silent and lonely
We get lost.
Then found
Then walk back
It’s all over
We go home
“I had fun tonight”
“It was nice to finally meet you”

An 8 dollar goodwill ring sits
Right where a Valentine’s Day present once rested
Not that it’ll ever be noticed
I placed it in a box, where it shall remain
It’ll stay there with the others
All those forgotten gifts
Memories of the past
A past I’m over
So there they will sit
Maybe I’ll give them away one day
Or maybe they’ll just stay there
Until my child one day finds them.
Years in the future
Asking me
Why don’t you wear these
I say
Why don’t you?
And tell her to keep them
You’ll grow into them one day

Go someplace, anyplace outdoors.
Dig, dig into the ground until you find something.
Something pure and true, covered in rust,
As antique as the day you were born.
Feel it, turn it in your palms.
Inspect it.
Discover all its little secrets and remember
Remember the past life, the one this came from,
Rejoice in the happy memories as well as the sorrowful.
But don't forget
Find, Rust, and Remember.

He pulled on his denim jacket and I fell in love
Patches covering it, each telling a story.
His long reddish brown hair just reaching the collar,
The curls of it flowing softly
Barely being contained by his, well my gray knit beanie.
Every time I see him, I fall in love all over again.
Today is no different, tomorrow will be the same.

There are empty coffee cups all over this room
Somehow, I only notice when you're gone.
It reminds me of you, my cup of coffee
You take yours black one sugar,
I get a white peppermint mocha
Sweet with just a hint of bitter
Kinda like me in a way.
You can always know a person by where they get their coffee,
We like the local places, if we have time.,
But when we don't, we're Starbucks fans.
You know all the best spots in town.
Not just for coffee, foe everything.
When you took me to that park on the hill,
On that freezing winter night, I almost cried.
Because I thought, no I knew,
I'm in love and I've never felt better!
And even though Portland is freezing,
I was warm, because I was with you.

When I grow old I want to sit on a porch with my husband
I want to stare into a field of flowers and not worry about anything
To have my children take me out to breakfast and laugh at my horrible jokes
Because by then I should have quite a few
I want to have a dog, maybe a golden retriever, or a German Shepard.
I would want to travel, go places I never thought I would go
Meet amazing people
Learn about culture I would've never dreamed about knowing
I would want to die in a loved ones arms, not alone in a home somewhere by myself.
I want to be remembered for something great!
I just don't want to be forgotten...

Who am I, really?
To tell you the truth, even I don't know
I'm an equestrian poet who takes good pictures
And enjoys a hot cup of tea
But who am I?
A girl who wakes up super early for no reason at all
Or someone who wants to sleep all day
Someone who wants to look perfect but at the same time someone who doesn't care
Why am I such a contradiction?
A caffeine addict who mainly drinks tea or cocoa
Well I guess all I can say is
I'm me

A warm cup of tea and seeing his smile
Perfect ombres and a comfortable couch
A song with a beautiful melody
You may be wondering what these have in common
They're all things that bring me joy

The scent of fresh blueberry muffins
The sunset on a warm summer day
Going to the lake
Clearly my prompt for the day was joy

Knowing someone loves me
Taking the perfect shot, photography of course
A nice warm bath and waking up next to you
All these things seem simple and ordinary
But to me they mean the world, and that's all that matters.

Love forms in the spring
Just as flowers and plants bloom
The smell of spring, just as strong
The bushes and trees sway just as we do
Dancing under the moonlight
Like its meant to be
The cold air blowing against my back
Your warm voice tickling my ear
Telling me just how much you care
We dance and dance until magic hour arrives
Those short fifteen minutes of beautiful light
Just as the sun is rising, we head back home
Lying down with each other and sleeping the day away
Until magic hour comes tonight
And then, we shall dance again.

Red roses stare at me
Loud voices scream from the kitchen
My grandfather is dying
And they're paying cards
I guess he's not quite dying
But the pain meds make him loopy
And the lack of food and liquid
Make is voice scratchy and him
Unbearably thin
I'd be lying if I said it didn't scare me
I'd be a liar if I claimed to not love him
I guess I'm just not ready to lose him
Because I can't stand the thought of losing another loved one

Red roses stare at me
And I'm there with him
Holding him tight
I love you, Grampy
Please don't go yet...
Please don't go yet....
Please don't go.

My mind spirals
Spiraling downwards
Downwards into hell
Hell is a welcome escape
Escape from the life I'm living
Living is a hell in itself
Self is all a dream
Dreams fail
Failing is inevitable to me
Me my mine
My mind spirals
Down

Cold, hot
On, off
The hellfire hits my back
Shimmering the way it does
It then turns to ice
So cold it feels hot
Too cold
I crank it back to hellfire
The give up
I can't seem to wash away
The pain of guilt
All the lies flowing
Running over my body,
Like the water I soak in
I step out, my body dripping
Then towel off
I'll try again tomorrow

It's dangerous to go alone, take this
He says as he carves out his own heart
And hands it to me
I place it in a golden chest
Surrounded by countless other
******, beaten, broken
Hearts
I've done this countless times
Smile, rip out a heart, and keep it
Smile, tear out a heart, and keep it
I suppose I'm like a dragon
In the same way they horde gold and jewels
I horde hearts and love
I thrive on love
I need it to survive
My beautiful box of hearts displayed
Gold and shining
Covered in jewels with a heart shaped lock

I love you she says
Carving out her heart and placing it in my hands still beating
I smile and place it in a box
My beautiful golden chest of hearts
Hers the latest addition, ****** and bruised
She cries
He cries
They all cry
But their hearts,
Their hearts are still mine.

You took my heart
Told me you loved it
Then tore it in two
Right in front of my eyes

Saying that you love me
But you found someone
She means the world to you
And I'm just not good enough

You knew that it would hurt me
And you tore my heart to shreds anyways
But you don't have a heart
So why would you care

I guess I thought you meant it
When you said you loved me
Or when you said you would be here
But I guess you didn't

But in all reality you did
Didn't you?
Pushing me down on that roof
And kissing me cockily, the way you always did

You smiled and we went back in
Claiming onto the yogibo
I cuddled the **** out of you
And today. We'll do it again.

A tilted painting
A closed door
Smiles stare at me
Taunting me
Teasing me
And I just smile
Knowing they can't do anything
But I can
My words can stop them
My lines flowing from this pen
And I stand there
And just speak
Their smiles fade to focused grins
And my focused grin
Fades into a smile
They disappear
A flawless painting
An open door
A blank room stares back at me
Greeting me
Welcoming me
And I just smile.

Break my heart
Shatter my bones
And blow away the ashes
Then hug her
Smile with her
Laugh with her
Do you not remember?
Remember the promise you made me
Your promise to fix me
You've seen me at my best
At my worst
You know what this does to me
And yet you still do it.
I noticed your hugs getting shorter
The distance growing larger
We've grown apart
Do you no longer mean it?
Do your I love yous
And your I think you're beautifuls
Do they mean nothing to you?
Because I still mean it.

It's raining
On the cold Portland streets
People walk by
And he's standing there
Red hat, black sweatshirt
Smoking a cigarette
He takes one, last, drag...
Before halting a city cab
And asking it to wait while he finishes
He does. The man climbs inside
And I watch as the cab pulls away...
Three more roll down the street
And yet I remain...

A little girl walks by
Clutching her fathers hand
She points at a store,
Lit up by twinkling lights and
Tugs on his sleeve
I can see the fire in her eyes
They both go in
And yet I remain...

He smiles as he sees a bar
Staring longingly and contimplaing
Wether he should or shouldn't
Drink away his sorrows
He disappears into the bar..
As fast as he appeared
And yet I remain...

Waiting for something to happen
Is worse then being alone
Because being alone comes with the wait
But I still wait here
For minutes, hours, days
Waiting.
And yet I remain...

I think I figured something out
Math teachers are, well,
Vampires
They find pleasure in ******* your soul out
Slowly draining the life out of you
By making you do countless
Long and complex equations
Until you are simply put,
A mindless zombie under their command
Just one of many in their legion of the undead
Continuously reciting number after number
nineteen, seven, thirty-two, twenty-five
x squared minus nine equals twelve
His unchanging face, fangs and perfect teeth
Of course don't help his case very much
They just help me prove that math teachers
Are infact, Vampires

How can the voice know where I am and what I can see?
It was the last place on earth I wanted us to go
Blue, blue sky above the clouds
The air is colder but the sun is warmer
I saw his bloodshot eyes.
****** ******!
I'm sorry it hurts sometimes, I don't want to hurt you
I want to help you
She was itchy to leave
I bet they're cursing my name, but at least they're safe.
You know if they wanted to **** her, or **** all of us, they could have
Four hours later my brain was fried
We can't just keep running from place to place, always hunted
I can't take this anymore!
So I sat up, eyes open, but it wasn't much better.

The fires are burning
Sending them to their deaths
Smoke and ashes swirling
Their maker has been met

We are all just running
Until we can no more
Because our time is coming
Behind us is just gore

I'm the only one now
And I know I am next
But I will not allow
Them all of my respect

Somehow I have made it
The ending is now near
With the past behind me
I'm getting out of here

I've always been curious
About almost everything
Especially people, new people
When I meet a new person,
I don't want small talk
I want to talk about everything
Like ***, drugs, crazy dreams
Life, love and hate
I want to know all the little things about you
Like your darkest fear, or your happiest moment
And I want you to know mine.
I guess I just want to know you,
I want to know who you are as a person
And who you want to be, what you want to be
I want, no I need to see you, for who you really are
If I'm to be a part of your life
I want us to know each other
And know each other well, very well
I want us to be something more than just acquaintances
I want us to be so close that we won't ever burn out
We can be the Stars that never burn out
Me and you
We'll forever burn bright

That night was amazing
How we went out to dinner
And to keep me calm
You never moved to where I wouldn't be in contact with you
Because you know
You know that I need the contact to feel safe
And then after we ate we all piled into your car
Singing along to "Skeletons on Parade"
And "Emperors new clothes"
And once you dropped the other two off
I brought us to my favorite building
Where we climbed the rooftop
And just laid there, the three of us.
And we talked
And we cuddled
"I'm perfectly content" you kept saying
And we made fun of your allergy
Your allergy to all things green
We all laughed as you challenged the trees
"Bring it on you *****!" You shouted at them
Daring them to drop leaves on you
And when on fell on your arm
You laughed and called the tree a slew of names
Making us all smile and laugh with you
Your hands traveling along our backs
Making us smile even more
And then when you kissed me on the forehead
I got so happy I couldn't stop smiling even if I tried
And even now, thinking about it, I can't stop smiling
Simply because
Last night was the best so far
I guess to me every Thursday is amazing now
Because of you.
And once you brought me home and hugged me
You hugged me like I'd never see you again
Even though I know I will
And it made me so happy
Then in the morning when I woke up and checked my phone,
And you told me you wished you had kissed me
I realized it too
At 11:11 pm I wished for you

There's a pattern that I've noticed
No one I need is there for me when I need them to be
It's only me
Being there for them, even when they don't need me at all...

I wish that I was different
I wish I could be someone else
Even if it was only for a day
I'd want to see how they live
If they were happy with their life
Or not
I'd want to see who they loved
And if they knew me
Or not
I'd love to spend a day in the life of someone famous
And see just how they do it
How they live their life day after day
Would they be kind to the fans that send them messages?
Or would they be cruel and torturous to their assistants
Even thought they help them so much
I guess my wish is to live in someone's head
Maybe for a day or two
Just to see how they live

Memories.
I like to go to places that hold memories and think
Think about all the good times we shared
Think about every second spent there.

I relive those times we shared
Like when you brought me to CIA
That cute little cafe in our hometown
Or the first day we met
Where Daemon and Max were throwing rocks at you..

I guess I just wish I could make you smile like she does
I wish I could cheer you up when you're sad
I wish all those times weren't just memories
But they are..

All we had
Is now just a memory...

People
I can't say I like depending on people
Why you may ask?
Well. People make promises.
Promises that aren't kept
"I promise I'll love you forever!"
When did forever become yesterday?
"I promise I'll never leave you"
I didn't know never was last month
People say they'll always be there for you,
In times of need, then they turn around and walk out the door when you really need them.
I guess it's because once I like a person.
I want to be a constant in their life.
I want to see them and hold them
I want to love them.
But I can't...

I've been awake for hours
Yet here I am. Still in bed...
It feels like getting up is something I cannot compel myself to do
Even if I wanted to

I've been crying for days
Yet here I am. Still in tears....
It feels like I'll never be able to stop bawling my eyes out every night
Even if I wanted to

I've been living for years
Yet here I am. Still wanting to die
It feels like someone is keeping me here no matter how many times I try to just simply disappear
I couldn't.
Even if I wanted to...

Show me your love.
Show me your love, not by sending me ***** pictures of yourself, but by taking me out.
Show me your love by buying me flowers on my birthday, or Valentine's Day, or any day.
Show me your love by taking me for long walks on the beach and laughing when I trip and fall into the water.
Show me your love by meeting me for a picnic in the woods or in the park or in a abandoned building.  
Show me your love by smiling wide and proud when you see me for I am yours
Show my your love by being mine and never leaving my side.
Just please show me your love.