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Deep in the velveteen dark,
Under the muffled and foggy highway
As the town slumbers in peace
I light another cigarette.
I should be wrapped up warm as well,
Dancing in dreams of my beloved city
Where once the night sang me her song
And I heard and felt her words,
But instead here I sit in the cold,
Head tilted to better listen
To music that comes to me no more.
I used to live in a small Midwestern city and loved it more than any place I've lived save one. Late at night or early in the morning was my favourite time to be out and about but now that I've moved and grown older I don't feel as alive at night as I did then.
Once, I thought of you as one usually does
Of some sort of mythical being.
Your presence only in conversations,
Drunken confessions,
A slightly blurry photograph on a phone,
Your name becoming a by-word for
Intense ****** attraction.

Once, I met you at the discotheque,
Your raven hair swirling around a
Black-clothed, willowy frame
As you partook of your personal bacchanal,
A private smile meant for my companion
On your kissable lips
And in your unfathomable eyes.

Once, you left me tongue-tied and shy,
Blushing furiously as I searched in vain
For words that usually
Happily danced on my tongue.
We left each other that night
Without having spoken past polite greetings,
And I was bitterly regretful.

Once, I decided to love myself,
And began to become almost beautiful,
Shedding layers of flesh and fear
And though I had long forgotten your face
I resolved that were I to see you again,
Both smiles and sentences would
Easily flow and you might learn of me.

Once, I took that risk,
Sending you a message full of sarcastic
And clever comments laced with charm.
This time I was ready
To set aside all of my misgivings,
Ignore your intimidating beauty,
And let myself peek through and smile.

Once, I thought it utterly impossible
That someone like you may notice me,
But after a year of meditation and peace,
I now know I was too afraid to be noticed.
Even if you lose interest and look elsewhere,
I still consider this quite the triumph,
For you were part of why I searched for myself.
*Girl hears of friend's hot friend.  Girl meets hot friend.  Girl thinks she's too fat to like.  Girl decides never to feel that way again.  Girl loses weight and gains confidence.  Girl sees hot friend on Tinder.  Girl says hello.  Girl and hot friend are now discussing going on a date.  Girl is okay if hot friend isn't into it later on because girl now is her own best friend.*

*Loving yourself is more important than any other relationship.*
She wonders in her dark room
Has my heart become stone?
Did a love long ago
Turn me hard and cold?
For this ray of light appears
As the sun comes to thaw the ice
And though I think of him
Of our whispers in the night
I cannot help but stand
In my angry and loud home
Feeling that strongest urge
To carry on alone.
His face does bring me joy
Which I once before have felt
And I fear that one day soon
My bitter resolve will melt
All sweetness in his words
And naive delight in his face
Begin to brighten my smile
My doubts being erased
But no, she thinks in anger
I shall be as strong as thunder
And as her head turns on her pillow
In her dark room does she wonder.
I used to fall in love a lot.
Now I don't.
We are all touch but no desire
For in each other's arms
We are blissful
With no wish, no requirement
To take it further.
We make love without making love
My base lusts sated
In the caress of your long limbs
Your hair soft in my fingers
Lips brushing cheeks and hands
And we entwine in each other
At home in the scent of warm skin.
A deeper love than I ever knew
We are inside of each other
Without secrets or falsehoods
Our souls naked
To our perceptive eyes.
We are utterly beautiful
In our private universe
Born of night and long drives
And words.
An ode to an asexual love affair
Tonight was filled with maybe.
A look, a smile,
A realm of possibility.
Some doubt of course
But at the very end
A definite perhaps.
A cheerful poem for once!
A hole in my heart exists
Where once you resided.
An aching loss
A tingle where once
Arms encircled me
And I felt wanted
I don't think it's you I miss
For our last kiss was
Like the kiss of a stranger.
I do not miss you.
I miss what you were to me
My darling
My Heracles
The moon that I circled,
A twinkling star,
In the dusk that was my life.
It's night now.
And you remain gone.
I don't miss my ex. I miss being loved.
I wear a mask.
Sometimes I can't tell when I am or
When it's my actual face.
My mask smiles and laughs
Teases and jokes
But it's just a mask.
My real face does none of those things.

It's not because I loved you.
I'm not sure if I ever did really.
It's because you didn't love me
Nobody has
And when that knowledge dawned on me
I broke.

I'm not pretty.
I'm not beloved.
I'm not anything my mother says I am.
I am a person of no importance
And am waiting to die alone.
What really goes on behind my smiles. It's late and I'm drunk and I'll forget this exists.
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