“I’m not the girl I used to be,”
said the observant she.

“I was a once perfect white
and now my skin has bore my fight.”

But what she had realized not
Was what the Painter thought.

For what she saw to be an ending
was what He saw to be the beginning.

I had a dream last night.
You came up to me
and brushed my hair behind me ear
and you whispered something.
Something.

It was quiet as a summer breeze,
warm and slow and gentle,
but I couldn’t hear it quite properly.
“Can you say that again?”
So you did it all again.
You brushed my hair away from my ear
and leaned in
and whispered,
“I love you.”
I blushed red;
my lips stretched to smile.

You left a kiss on my cheek
before you drew away.
Your hand still in my hair,
your kiss still lingered on my cheek,
and on my cheek was the blush still painted.
I stumbled with my words-
they fell straight from my mouth
like raindrops-
“I love you too.”

And then I woke up.
My eyes flew open.
My arms reaching for you.
But you weren’t there.
No.
You never were.

She asked me
“Now that I’m gone, how does the sun feel’
It feels unreal
Like it’s not even there
There’s no radiating warmth
And when I stop and reach for the sky
It slips through my fingers
I’m just grabbing at air
But when I stand motionless
Does the earth stop spinning
Do the birds that dare to challenge the sky
Do there wings stop flapping midair
Would the fish in the sea
Stop swimming because of me
If I stop moving
Would animals stop living
Would a lion stop haunting
Would a dog stop digging
Would the moon
Escape from its orbit
And head towards earth
If I stopped moving
Would the world even care

It arrives,
Unnoticed, unannounced.

Quiet,
At first.

Slow,
Seeping, dripping.

I put it down to a few stressful weeks.
I carry on.

It unpacks,
Worries, anxieties.

Gently,
For now,

Tiptoes,
Whispers, creaks.

‘It will leave soon’ I think ‘It always does.’
I keep going.

It settles in,
Getting comfortable.

Getting louder,
And louder.

Banging thoughts,
Insomnia.

‘Please don’t be happening again’.
I shuffle along my daily routine.

Claws in,
Insidious.

Screaming,
24/7.

Shame, worthlessness,
Hurt.

‘Please go away’.
I’m barely coping.

Growing roots,
Into my brain and heart.

Blossoming pain,
With every beat.

Emptiness, loneliness,
Abandonment.

Silence, Stillness,
‘I can’t move, I can’t cope.’