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Addison Hubbs Jul 2020
two two twenty two
ten p.m. twenty two
sixty days since i lost you.
two two twenty two
Addison Hubbs Dec 2018
Keep shouting, even louder
Keep yelling to tomorrow
They say I say I don’t know
They say I say I won’t show
They ask why I stay low
They say I don’t know
I sit here singing quietly
Anybody listening?
I sit here talking shyly
The stars are glistening
Look up
Creeping down sneakily
Sneaking up silently
Look up
See me seriously, seriously
Take me seriously, seriously
Keep hearing without mind
Keep thinking while you’re behind
It’s time to show you the world
Show them the scars and they he burns
I know the world like my wrist
One long scar
I know
-AH
Addison Hubbs May 2020
Here I rest;
Admiring this strikingly sanguine rose
As the skies above sing their soothing chorus
As if in response to the tears streaming down my face.
Addison Hubbs Feb 14
I told you that is all that I wanted to be. Your bear, your protector, your bed, blanket and pillow. A source of strength when you needed it, a gentle caress, or a wild thing when you wanted it. Your bear. I failed you and myself. I still hurt.
Addison Hubbs Dec 2018
Standing on the top of the bridge,
Looking at the water below.
Should I stay,
Or,
Would it be better if I jumped?
It’s not worth anything.
Fun,
Joy,
Life,
It all comes to an end.
To drown my thoughts,
I need to drown my heart.
This is the end,
I need to take part.
-AH
Addison Hubbs Dec 2018
This bullet shot my heart,
And another through my brain,
All I can do
Is lie here in pain.
This is pain.
I am pain.
-AH
Addison Hubbs Dec 2018
Can’t you see?
All this time
You saw a lie.
You saw me smile,
You saw me laugh.
It will all disappear
When you hear my dying breath.
“I’m fine.”
I said,
And I believed it too;
But when you see my crying eyes look at you,
You’ll see who I am.
And you won’t love me anymore.
-AH
Addison Hubbs Dec 2018
I couldn’t count
The scars on my wrists.
I couldn’t count
The sleepless nights,
Crying myself to sleep.
I couldn’t count
How many times I wished you were there for me.
But that’s impossible.
No one’s here for me now.
I am DEAD.
-AH
Addison Hubbs Dec 2018
I sharpen my blade nightly
Sparks will fly into the dark.
Shiny,
Silver,
Crafted as a dagger.
This weapon is powerful.
It can light up the darkest places,
And darken the lightest.

I sharpen my words nightly,
Sparks will fly into the dark.
Sharp,
Sincere,
Crafted as a dagger.
This weapon is powerful.
This is a weapon I will not put down.
-AH
Addison Hubbs Jun 2020
heartlessly you let me drown in my own tears
laughing and pointing more
as my lifeless body floats higher than before.
Addison Hubbs Dec 2018
Though I fight it,
I try and try,
My heart’s begging to live
And
My mind’s begging to die.
-AH
Addison Hubbs Dec 2018
Forget me,
I ask you.
I forgot my smile,
I forgot my laugh.
I forgot me as a child,
I forgot my wrath.
For I have forgotten myself.
So don’t try and think that I am near
I won’t be here
And go away,
Once I fade,
Forget my wrath,
Forget me as a child.
Forget my laugh,
Forget my smile.
I ask you,
Forget me.
-AH
Addison Hubbs Dec 2018
Is it really what I want?
To push you further?
I think I want
To pull you closer,
But I’m afraid you’ll see
Who I really am
And run
Away.
-AH
Addison Hubbs Dec 2018
Today,
I’ve felt heartbreak.
Not romantic heartbreak,
At least not the stereotype,
But different.
The kind of heartbreak you feel
When someone you used to like
Finds out about your boyfriend
And doesn’t accept it.
And doesn’t want to be
Friends anymore.
That kind of heartbreak.
-AH
Addison Hubbs May 2020
I'm back,
Not better.
Continually fighting a never ending circle of heartbreak.
Will it end?
I'm not better,
But I'm back.
Addison Hubbs Dec 2018
I'm sorry,
But I'm done.
Done breaking.
Done feeling.
Done crying.
Done cutting.
Done with life.
It never had to be like this.
When I'm gone
You'll say
I loved her.
When if you told me that before
I would have lived.
So it's not your fault
That I hated myself.
No,
It's your fault that
I killed myself.
-AH
Addison Hubbs Dec 2018
I’m only 13
I should be writing
Love letters
Not suicide notes

I’m only 13
I should be drawing
With pencils
Not with razors

I’m only 13
I should be wanting
To go out with friends
Not wanting to be dead.
-AH
Addison Hubbs Dec 2018
I don't understand optimists.
How can one look forward to the future?
How can one look at the best side of things?
How can one see the light in the darkness?
And,
How can one wish to be alive?
These are all questions I ask daily,
Me being the depressed, introverted pessimist I am.
-AH
Addison Hubbs Dec 2018
I should live.
I know it is a lie that
I am a horrible person.
My mind tells me that
I am beautiful.
I could never believe that
I’m not wanted.
Those around tell me that
I am special.
I will never believe that
I shouldn’t live.
Now read it backwards.
-AH
Addison Hubbs Dec 2018
I will keep writing.
Words,
Carefully crafted,
Can become a weapon.
This is a weapon I won't set down.
-AH
Addison Hubbs Dec 2018
I could never tell you anything.
I would be a...
Burden.
Attention-Seeker.
Threat.
Danger.
Drawback.
Creep.
M­onster.
Stranger.
Castaway.
But really,
Because I never told you anything,
I am DEAD.
-AH
Addison Hubbs Aug 2020
I wanted to live like I was loved.
I wanted to love like I was living.
I want to leave like I never existed.
Addison Hubbs Dec 2018
I'm feeling...
Mathematical.
It's an odd feeling.
Like feeling empty
But full at the same time.
I feel like I could stay up all night
Completing things for the future
But I also feel as if I would pass out
After one problem.
I'm feeling...
Mathematical.
it's an odd feeling.
-AH
Addison Hubbs Dec 2018
It stays with me, day-by-day
Reminding me that I’m still afraid
I cannot hide from its deadly shade
And from this gigantic mess I’ve made

The voice in my head saying I’m better off dead
I want to point a gun at my head
Then I hear the word, one syllable, “Hope”

And even though I wish I could go
To a better place wanting to be found
I keep my feet planted on the ground

Knowing that there’s something for me here
There has to be life, not all fear
But when I look at what is near
I cannot help but shed a tear
There is nothing for me here

I do not know what I had thought
I should’ve returned what was bought
And have a gun at my head be shot
If so, some would cry a whole lot
But some would be glad I was not caught

They would say I wasn’t worth much
Sadly, what they say is true
These words I write aren’t new
I really don’t know what to do
It seems I will forever lose

No one will be moved by the words I speak
No one thinks I’m anything more than just a freak
So here I am, broken and weak
A piece of a puzzle only half complete
Addison Hubbs Dec 2018
I’m sorry I could never open up to you.
I’m sorry for not telling you my problems.
I’m sorry I wasn’t closer to you.
But most of all,
I’m sorry I killed myself.
But honestly,
I’m glad that I never opened up to you.
I’m glad I didn’t tell you my problems.
I’m glad I wasn’t closer to you.
But most of all,
I’m glad I killed myself.
Think about that.
Ponder on it.
And wonder why I died.
-AH
Addison Hubbs Jul 2020
why is it that every flavor tastes like a rainbow
each victual a different color
but
when i kiss you
the sensation lingering on my lips
is colorless.
Addison Hubbs Dec 2018
My room?
Lights out,
Shaded in.
My life?
Lights out,
Shaded in.
My mind?
Lights out,
Shaded in.
-AH
Addison Hubbs Dec 2018
I can see
But
The image needs to be
Sharper

I can feel
But
The emotions needs to be
Sharper

I can cut
But
The blade needs to be
Sharper
-AH
Addison Hubbs Dec 2018
I close my eyes
Just hoping for a wink of sleep.
I forgot to take my
Melatonin,
A sleeping drug,
And can’t fall asleep.
I can’t take it now in fear of
Not being awake
in time tomorrow
This is going to be a long night.
I close my eyes,
Just hoping for a wink of sleep.
-AH
Addison Hubbs Dec 2018
To describe, It’s a block in my head
Making all my thoughts blank.
I don’t know how to deal with it
And I have myself to thank.

I would try to write a song, but
My head is a desert plain.
This isn’t a very good way
To have a claim to fame.

Rumble, rumble, I hear them say,
“You shall not escape”
And these stones keep their way,
And bend me out of shape.

The shifty sands of my brain
Grinds these stones to grains,
But the tall scape, my desert plains
Are set to keep, contain

Clear in my head, like a cloudless sky
I see these stones create
A wall to keep these questions why
Locked behind the gate.

Slowly, slowly we march along,
The future is unknown
To this tune we sing a song,
For I am not alone.

I hear the buzzing in my ears,
The blocks have been demolished.
For when you lose your hopes and fears, you could be astonished.

That’s the end, I wish you well,
I hope this means a lot
For writing about your problems
Can bring you into thought

Hip, hop, as we walk along
Skip, trot, as we move strong.
Writing this has cleared my block,
I thank you guys for that,
I shall write along on this writing walk,
(Curiosity killed the cat)
Addison Hubbs Jan 2019
This pain
My chest
Anxiety weighs in.
This pain
My wrist
Depression weighs in.
This pain
My heart
Heartbreak weighs in.
No pain
No life
Suicide weighs in.
-AH
Addison Hubbs Dec 2018
I'm tired of it.
Tired of saying I'm fine
When I'm really not.
tired of acting happy
When I'm really not.
Tired of needing help
When I just want to give up.
Tired of these thoughts
Which say, "You would be better if you did what I say."
Tired of feeling.
Tired of crying.
Tired of cutting.
Tired of living.
But really,
those who want to die
Just want to start living.
-AH
Addison Hubbs May 2020
after the noose, pills, or blade,
i will once again be your phantasm
and i will tear you apart
just as you tore me
i'm sorry, logan
Addison Hubbs Dec 2018
Honestly, I can’t write
I can’t sing
I don’t know how I could ever win
This will be another paper to toss in the bin
And as I throw it away regret will set in
And another tear will roll down my chin
Then someone will ask how I have been
But if I want my pride, I’ll have to lie and say
that I’ve been having a wonderful day
-AH
Why
Addison Hubbs Dec 2018
Why
Why is it
That the things we love most
Can hurt like hell?
-AH
Addison Hubbs Dec 2018
I can never rest
In fear of my demons coming loose.
I can’t stop writing
In fear of my pressures building up.
My fingers ache to hold a pen again,
To let all emotions loose.
But someday,
Someone will find this.
So farewell
For now.
-AH
Addison Hubbs Dec 2018
I've been wanting to talk to you.
I wanted to let you know that,
No matter what happens,
You are loved.
Remember that.
Never forget it.
People will miss you if you leave.
People will cry tears over you if you die.
You are loved.
Never forget it.
-AH

— The End —