Caring for someone like you is like looking over a wildfire, admiring the colours bursting from the ember's glow
And then thinking of the terror that beauty has lead

When i start to miss you again i pace back and forth infront of my school's woodshop
I buy a new irish sprong soap bar
and walk around the men's work clothes section
I watch other fathers with their kids and realize over and over again everything you were and all the things you should have been but were not

I hope you don't mind if i say "***" in place of your name
I hope you hear the difference in my voice
Because to me, you and honey are like twins to my lips and tongue

I made a Pinterest board and called it Comfy because i needed to remeber that there are other things that can comfort me and that it's not just you

I know the sound
the stutter
the break in your syllables when you hesitate
the way you hold your breath in when youre hurt
the roughness you force from your stomach when you need me to listen to you
I hear them all when i speak
And i cant hear you

You deserve soft hands and a kind face
Hot hazelnut coffee and bagels with butter and your favorite jam
You deserve more than i can give
I'll still try

I was lying in bed fiddling with my fingers
My thumb grazed on the back of my hand the way he used to
We'd sit and watch TV
Hed hold my hand,
make a bridge in the space between us so he didnt feel so far away

Now hes exactly 241.3km away and Im not sure id build those bridges even if i could

Despite everything i know about body positivity i still hide my rolls and stick my chin out
Please, try to understand

No matter how much praise i am given i still dont see everything they say
Please, try to understand

I have no reason to have distrust and still wonder how they react when im not there
Please, try to understand

Love me because no amount of affirmation can solidify the pillars that hold me
Please, try to understand

I think we live in mismatched  pajamas and dreams
chilled feet with no socks
big sweaters and messy buns barely holding together
creeky floorboards
loose hair elstics and ankle bracelets

How does it feel?
Living a lofe made of bobby-pins and sticky door hinges

At 2:30 in the morning of New Years Day I snuck out of my house

I listened for my parent's bedroom door and the floorboards under my mother's tired feet

I snuck out just to walk and sit and think

Just to feel the adrenaline of being somewhere that i wasnt supposed to be

To feel the liberation in knowing I'd have to be insane to be there

To feel the certainty of being somewhere i needed to be in that moment at 2:30 am on New Year's Day

It is proven that the first thing we see in a person is their hands                                                      For what is the purpose of going to someone with mean hands when you need to be held with forgiveness and grace                                                        And why should you take a hand into yours that has hurt you                                                          And how could you refuse the hand of one who has been hurt                                                        And how do you  judge a hand's worth

I wish to pick you up into my cradled lap and read poetry together                                                         ­                                            I'll listen to your kind voice, gliding the phrases through the air, cleansing it;                                                        
laugh should i miss a word and you cant help but to correct me;                                                              ­                                            We'll be sitting outside because you say everything is so much slower there;                                                           ­                                                  I'll instantly agree because when you sit at the end of the dock you become part of the scene and anything that has you in it is worth admiring for hours                                                            ­                   And I'll coddle you into my scarf, when the wind at the lake picks up,                                                              ­                                         
You'll shiver and move yourself closer into my warmth and continue the phenomenon your existence creates

How can i forget
When i never even got to choose to forgive you for myself
I never had the chance to comprehend
Cuz you shoved your apologies down my throat
Everything I've ever forgiven you for was to save you,
It was not for myself
Well, I wont forgive you for that
It's not how forgivness works

It is said that we must rid ourselves of fears and leave them behind
Perhaps we should instead embrace them

Learn to grow,
not from,
but with them

Let them be,
not to fester,
but to flow

Accept them,
not to harm,
but to come and go

Calm as a creek,
Strong as a river,
Beautiful as a flame,
Dangerous as a wildfire;
Do not cross a woman
With a mind like the ocean
And a soul made of fire
If you are not prepared for a
storm