I can feel it latching onto each
Tiny hair on my face as it falls
Following the trace
Of the tears before it
No sound but heavy breathing and
The muted stream of questions
Inside my head
My eyes wide
Searching for information
Amongst the blurry gaze

The new car shows off
the empty passenger seat
where the excited smiles
would travell to my bones

The new job excitement
is met with someone else’s voice
at the end of an empty phone number
“This number has not been recognised”

The completion of the dream course
is met with a paper certificate
and squeals of delight echoing silently
in the empty space where
dances with imaginary pom-poms
would lift my exhausted mind
  
The joyous wedding plans sparkle as they roll around looking for that eager sounding board to bounce off
and instead
latching onto wisps of
imagination and memory

The new house
highlights the loss of a home
showing off pretty framed pictures of you
hanging flat
with arms stretched wide

The thought of a baby...
gains
and losses

Caution
Dynamite
Here lies Pandora's box
Not quite a curse
Not quite a dark pit
But a diamond
So sharp
It will open up your wounds
Just by looking at it
Open with caution
Open with care
In fact
Consider not opening the box
Consider that the brightness
Is as sharp as the edge
Consider reconsidering
Re-reading your journals

I would be cutting myself
Down the middle and
Exposing my bones

But

I'm feeling brave

And if the songs of my bones
Can soothe just one other person
It would be worth it

I am a girly tomboy
I am a flexible perfectionist
I am a thoughtful risk taker
I am confidently emotional
I am a paradox

I am a diamond
With a hundred facets

That strand of life
That strand of story
That strand of suffering
Of resilience
Of determination to live
Not give up
And be alive
That learning
That hardship
That agonising change

There, it’s over
You survived
And gained...
A new grey hair

That glistening trophy of life being lived
Time gone by
Achievements
Hardships
Life
Life
Living

Every grey hair
The softness
The wisdom
The pain
To be celebrated

Because you lived through it
You lived

I don’t know where my home is
The place I knew has changed
I’ve moved away and it’s all new
And now I’m feeling pained

I don’t know where my home is
The place of comfort and love
Where you’d be there
With arms stretched wide
Love pouring down from above

I don’t know where my home is
I’m stuck here feeling glum
Home is where the heart is but
I’m lost without you mum