I’m working so hard
to heal my wounds
but my heart feels
like it’s been stuck with a harpoon

I feel like I’m failing
at everything I try
every night I lay in bed
and think of ways to die

This can’t be normal
I want my sanity back
instead I take my world
and I paint it black

The darker the better
to match my cold heart
should’ve known I was *******
right from the start

No way can I heal
from the demons chasing me
they have their grip
never shall I be free

The problems keep piling
and PTSD won’t let me forget
all the guilt and shame
the trauma that I regret

Why can’t life just end
it’d be easier than suicide
then at least I could say
I put in effort, I really tried

All my demons are liars
placing fear into me
they tell me this is forever
and never shall I be free

There’s anxiety banging at my door
giving me lots of worries
he has a monstrous grip and
with one hand my fun he does seize

Depression slips right in
like a serpent on the loose
always telling me life should end
and to stick my head in a noose

Bipolar jumps around the room
making each wave greater than the last
Hypo-mania is her companion
with long nights thinking of the past

PTSD sits in the corner and waits
for the opportune moment
just when you think you’re safe
he pulls his gruesome stunt

Addiction’s constant nagging
to let her com on in
will have me in a bottle
or a blade dragging across my skin

Yes all my demons are liars
they’re constantly in my head
dealing with them every day
fills me with never ending dread

Do you ever wonder
what it’d be like
to swallow those pills
or tie that noose around your neck

Because I do every night

This day has come
as it does every year
I can’t formulate the words
or even shed a tear

I’ve become immune to you
almost dead inside
too old to ask silly questions
of when you left us, why?

I do not send well wishes
I have no wish for you at all
funny how we’ve always had a way
of making each other feel small

Do you even remember a time
when I was fragile and small
you held the world in your hands
then you gave away it all

Do you realize how
you’ve torn our family apart
stuck your hand in its chest
and ripped out its heart

I doubt that you care
with the monster by your side
diving into his evil smile
even becoming his bride

Do you enjoy the taste
of sin on your lips
after a share of his kiss
during a midnight eclipse

Does the scent of his victims
linger on his shirts collar
making him more tempting
as my world grows smaller

For the more you choose
the demon over me
the more that I realize
we were never a family

So I have to build up my walls
and grow my heart dark
I can’t let you inside
you’ve already left your mark

The missing piece from my
shattered but patched up heart
forever a reminder that
mother and daughter are apart

Tomorrow the world
   goes back to normal
      well at least for me

            I just wish
               I could take down
                  the ******* tree
                  
                  I’m so over
              just letting
         Christmas be

      I thought I said
  that Christmas
is over for me

Another family gathering

Another exhaust-yourself

No matter how much I try
not to pretend
it just comes out
naturally