i promise i am trying
trying my hardest
to mend myself
but it's hard to do
when my hands were never steady
my movements always too heavy
like the weight
of a million failed attempts
at trying to get two puzzle pieces
that aren't meant for each other to fit
my words used to run like waterfalls
undisturbed by man-made machines
until the people in my past
commanded me to construct a dam
but my aching hands
could not build it properly
and now my words
come in constant
incoherent sputters
i have always been my own downfall
even when my downfall was you
because i ignored the warning signs
that you would steal every piece
of my puzzle
and try to make it fit with yours
and when you gave up
i tried to pry yours away
and make them fit
because i couldn't feel anything
when you weren't beating me to a pulp
of cardboard and tears
and now my entire body
aches with this emptiness
that i cannot fill myself
but i have someone
who is perfectly willing
to help me dig myself from this grave
i'll be okay
she'll make sure i am
but i need her to leave a little piece
something to remind me
that the biggest wounds
leave the biggest scars
and they always tell a big story
Jul 14, 2014
Jul 14, 2014 at 4:33 AM UTC
please understand
that there are broken parts of me
that i can't fix
and the more i fumble with them
the more they crumble
and maybe that's my fault
because my hands shake
and i'm the farthest from gentle
i promise i'm working on my technique
i don't try to smother
it just comes naturally to me
like breathing
even if you say the right things
i'll still struggle
just like if you were to wrap your hands
around my throat
i would still try to breathe
you can talk about whatever you want
i'll hang my head and listen
you know that thing i do?
the one we talk about a lot?
i probably do it because i don't know what to say
or i don't want to say the wrong thing
or i think the conversation is over
but i should probably pay more attention to your words
instead of my own
i either talk too much
or not enough
and my poems are always too long
and never make much sense
just like my thoughts
and to me
it's like trying to untie a jumble of knots
by just cutting them
like the fates snipping threads
i apologize too much
i feel guilty for things i never did
or things that aren't a big deal
and i've tried
so very hard in this poem
to not apologize
i'm sorry
Jul 14, 2014
Jul 14, 2014 at 3:03 AM UTC
most everyone knows
the stories
that all these
Disney-fied
and
Pixar-ized
movies are based on
are much more gruesome
than their animated versions
if you don't already know
i dare you
to skim through the originals
many of these stories
that are animated
bring in a prince charming
(which is pretty much as annoying as the manic pixie dream girl trope)
they show you
that love is someone sweeping you
off of your feet
and carrying you forever
never letting you fall
now
brace yourself if you don't take the truth easily
this is a lie
love is boxed up all pretty
perfect pink wrapping paper
covered in little hearts
with a big sparkling
pink bow
but this is artificial
your prince
or princess
or whatever else
will drop you
probably face first
onto your glass shoe
but if they love you
they will always pick out the shards
and kiss every wound
and i like it more this way
i know that you've dropped me
kicked my ribs
knocked my head
against a brick wall
but i know you'll always
always
fix it the best you can
(and thank you
for not hating me
when i bang you up too)
fairy tales aren't real
but i know that you're my fairy boy
and as long as i believe
i know you'll stick around
Jun 12, 2014
Jun 12, 2014 at 12:34 AM UTC
**** you
nobody
should ever
have to hurt this way
so i wish
i could say i'm sorry
for being rude
but i only want you
to understand how it feels
to be beaten down
constantly
Jun 7, 2014
Jun 7, 2014 at 3:05 PM UTC
why do i stick
to everyone
who has ever loved me
it is like my pores
sweat industrial-strength
super glue
saw me off
with a rusted blade
please
let me let go
Jun 6, 2014
Jun 6, 2014 at 2:46 AM UTC
i'm shaking
(please make this stop)
i feel sick
(God, it hurts)
down to my bones
(i feel it seeping in)
flowing in my veins
**** it burns)*
i don't want this again
(please take it away)
make it stop
(cut it out cut it out take it)
take this away
*(make it stop)*
God, please
(it hurts so bad)
cutitoutcutitoutcutitout
(cut it out)
put it back
(please love me)
Jun 6, 2014
Jun 6, 2014 at 1:48 AM UTC
i cannot describe to you
this pain
it is the worst i have felt
in a long time
it is monumental
and all over
and i wish something
anything
would make it end
Jun 6, 2014
Jun 6, 2014 at 1:31 AM UTC
i really thought that maybe this time
things would be different
but they weren't
and it hurts so badly
that i cant just have you
and you cant just be happy with me
and not want me to change
but i guess that isn't fair
because maybe
that's what i'm wanting from you
and all that has mattered to me
for the longest time
is holding you
but you're sick and dying
and you don’t love me
(at least not like you did)
so i'll never be able to do that
since you love someone else
but it's okay
i guess
because someone else loves me
even if she hasn't loved me
for as long as you did
and she's messed up before
but so have i
and so have you
even though you don't think you have
you told me you didn't want things to mess up this time
but when i'm broke
and can't pay my phone bill
for two weeks
you leave me for someone else
and that is just the ********* thing
you could do
not to mention that you tell me
i get off topic too much
and you know that my mind
has always
been a jumbled
clusterfuck of nothingness
and that it will never change
and maybe i don't ******* want it to
so that's that
you won't change and neither will i and if you wanted to come back
you would just leave again
and i cannot take these ocean currents anymore
i get seasick too easily
so i'll try to just be your friend
even though it will hurt
because i do love the girl who loves me and i know that she wont leave
you and i have always been destined to end somehow
and not all stories have the ending you wanted
besides
you don't like small animals
so maybe that's the root of our problems
Jun 6, 2014
Jun 6, 2014 at 1:12 AM UTC