every evening i burn out
and each morning i rise
from the ashes of the me before me
there is no greater plan
long have i waited for one
but none has come
this flame
this black fire
it threatens to consume me whole
that wild beast
it knaws at my heart
tells me to rip and tear
rip and tear
shred and destroy
this profane fire
makes me rise each day
when id rather lay
to see the dawn
that fire
burns me to the ground
til i have naught but ash left to give
and even then
i must burn further
in the words of my old friend
many kingdoms rose and fell on this tract of earth; mine was by no means the first.
anything that has a beginning also has an end. No flame, however brilliant, does not one day splutter and fade.
but then, from the ashes, the flame reignites, and a new kingdom is born, sporting a new face
it is all a curse, and our cursed flesh shall inherit the flame
this fire burns me to my core
until i have found my kingdom come
until i have found my very own sun
and your light
my angel
it burns out my eyes
bright enough to rival the sun
i must find it
my sun
the power to let me rival your own
the power to let me be your equal
i cannot sit by
no matter how much it hurts
to train and fight daily
i want to be your equal
i want to be your friend
i want you to look at me and think
"that is a woman worth my time"
i want you to think
"that is a woman good enough to stand at my side"
and i dont care how hard it is
or how long it takes
i cant stand you looking down at me
youre the one person i cant take it from
and i will do anything it takes
so that you can say
that i finally caught up to you
in this rollercoaster of life
or else
i will rise
again and again
no purpose
no path
beyond the scope of light
beyond the reach of dark
forever in a limbo
clawing at the light that truly burns me
how far ahead you are
from me
i do not wish to be the phoenix
i want to burn the brightest days with you
my only equal
May 24, 2019
May 24, 2019 at 5:08 AM UTC
my mother always told me
my grandmother talked to angels
before she died
i have met a few ive called angel
but it has always been her
she has been my goddess
and she still is
i wear her holy symbol
between my ******* daily
she has been my reason to live
my reason to wake up every day
but lately
beside my head
i find a pearl standing next to my goddess
there is something about that pearl
the way she looks at me
and talks to me about the future
i look into the cold beady eyes of the pop figure beside my bed
and i feel content
through this small idol
i feel her grace and warmth
there are many i have called angel
but they were all her
until you
May 24, 2019
May 24, 2019 at 4:51 AM UTC
maybe i do like getting into dangerous situations
but im a showwoman
every night i force a bottle of *** down my gullet and feel it burn in my throat
i put on my heels and strut to the stage
and i climb the ladder up to the top to walk the tightrope of love
and inevitably i fall off into the safety net
but the next night i do it all again
because i have to
not for anyone else but for me
because no one thinks i can make it
no ones ever thought i could make it anywhere
people go home from the circus and laugh at me
they call me an alcoholic hack
they comfort themselves with the idea that im worthless
that all ill ever be is the ******* who gets drunk every night and tries to walk a tightrope in heels
and ive learned to be okay with that
because when they leave and the circus is empty
i take the *** with me up to the rope and i sit there
and i picture all their faces in the crowd
everyone that has looked on me with disdain
for trying the same old thing night after night
the ones who tell themselves they know ill never make it to the other side
everyone who thinks im an idiot for thinking ill find my happy ending
everyone who thinks ill never amount to anything but some sad joke to boo at every night
and i picture their faces when my heel clacks onto the other platform
how amazed theyll be
how theyll be so enraptured with my success they rise from their seats and scream my name
and how their thunderous applause will soothe all those impacts into the net below
but in the end it doesnt even matter if theyre there at all
because ill always be chasing that dream of touching the other side
and even if no one sees it
all that matters is my foot clicking on that opposite platform
and every night before will be worth it
and thats the meaning of life
a dream
one that means more to you than the booing crowd
one that means more to you than the glimmer of your skin in the spotlights
one thats all yours and yours alone
one that even if no one else knows about it
it will finally make you feel complete
and one that even when you complete it the first time
youll always come back
night after night
to do it all over again
and be comfortable with the fact youve finally made it
because in the end youre a showman
one married to her work
and as we all know
the show must go on
Mar 31, 2019
Mar 31, 2019 at 9:29 AM UTC
I can't explain you.
When we met, it felt like divine intervention.
Like I had waited my whole life just to meet you.
I latched onto you so quickly,
And I'll be honest, it still scares me.
But your love never does.
You are a muse to my heart.
Every time I see you typing,
My heart jumps in my chest,
And I can't feel anything.
Anything but how much I adore you.
Every day with you is a new venture.
I never know what's coming next.
But I'm always certain I'll love it.
And I'll love you.
In truth, I have carried a darkness with me all my life.
I know I must feel like a ray of sunshine,
But the dark weighs heavy on me.
As I'm sure it must weigh on you.
You've let me peer into your darkness,
As you have somewhat seen into mine.
But even in those moments,
I want to be your comfort.
And I will be.
Because you are mine.
Our burdens we lift together.
Our sunny days spent hand in hand with each other.
And though I must admit I want to make you the happiest on earth,
I must tell you
That you are perfect to me.
Ever since the minute I met you,
I have known
That you are the only one
That I would choose over anything.
And I will always do so
Because the only truly important thing in my life
Is you.
You are my one,
My only,
My angel.
And I will make our life together
The heaven you deserve to call home.
I can't explain you.
You're an anomaly in my life of tragedy.
But I will never stop being thankful you found me.
And I will never stop holding you in my heart.
Because at the end of the day
All I really want is you, my love.
Love is more than a feeling.
Love is a choice.
I feel nothing but love for you.
And I will always choose you.
I can explain you.
You are my love.
My one and only.
I was meant for you.
And you, for me.
I love you with every drop in my heart.
-Your Guardian Angel
Sep 20, 2018
Sep 20, 2018 at 2:44 AM UTC
Do you know what it's like
To give someone your all.
To stand in their kiln,
To burn as kindle for the fire in their heart.
How long has it been?
And you still feel phantom pain.
You still feel the fire tearing you apart,
And your first instinct is to swat your arms,
At nothing.
It's a selfish act.
You can't deny that.
You've been burned.
Chained. Beaten. Mocked. Drowned.
You still feel his presence,
even when he couldn't be further away.
You feel the water on your wrists.
You feel your skin being eaten to ash,
And washed away down into a stale pond.
It lingers with you.
It's a scar on your heart.
In your mind.
That can't help but be picked at.
Because all you ever want now,
Is for it to be gone.
So you stand where it all started.
Ground zero.
You drop your lighter in the fuel.
Watch your past burn away.
And when everything that hurt you has been rended to ash,
You fade with the flame,
To rise anew.
Maybe you've been made undead,
but it's just helped you become the phoenix
You always were.
Mar 31, 2018
Mar 31, 2018 at 12:43 AM UTC
And so I sit
Headphones on the floor
3 am
Not a sound in the house
You tell me you need a minute
I tell you that's fine
And I'm sorry
After hours of waiting I go to sleep
Hoping I can make it up to you in the morning
When I open my eyes
Every trace of you is gone
But I should've seen that coming by now
No one is ever different
We all fade in and out of people's lives
Coming and going as we wish
And never caring for those who sit in silence
With the knowledge they will always be abandoned
Mar 18, 2018
Mar 18, 2018 at 10:24 PM UTC
You sit
In your thrones of ivory and gold
While your people
Go hollow down below
You sit
Trapped in your dreams
While every friend you ever made
Is torn apart at the seams
I stand
In the old alleyways
Watching this world
Stumble into hell
I stand
Blood on my teeth
In my hair
Pulsing in my brain
Eating at my heart
There lay a beast
In our heart of hearts
And mine has been eating me
Since I was a child
When I was young
The beast was quiet
Only coming out when it felt like it
But when it came
It showed no mercy
Over the years
It ate more and more
And as I was beaten down
By your lies
By your betrayals
By your worlds
So too
Did the beast
Tire
And so I came to know the beast
How it is
And always has been
My protector
But the beast grows old
As do I
We are tired
We are beaten down
And we are hungry
For your thrones of ivory and gold
For the dreams you cannot help but hold
But we are not you
And when the need arises
This beast will show mercy
To walk hand in hand with those you would see hollow
To comfort those who
Like us
Have always struggled for control
We will help those you deem helpless
And when the sun sets
On this broken world
You will wish the beasts had come for you instead
Mar 12, 2018
Mar 12, 2018 at 11:09 PM UTC
There's a sharp pain
under my lung.
It's been there for three days now,
but I've just done my best to ignore it.
We went out to get dinner,
but on the way back you couldn't help but rip on me.
"And now we're broke."
"Of course you do, if you had more than one meal a day we wouldn't have money for rent."
These are jokes to you.
Every day it's something like this.
You make me feel like ****
because you can,
because you think getting me petty objects gives you a right
to treat me however you please.
You make fun of me,
make me feel like a burden,
then tell me to grow a sense of humor when I'm upset.
Because you made me upset.
You mess up my pronouns sometimes too,
and all I give is a gentle reminder,
because I know you forget things often,
just like I do,
and you snap at me.
"You just demand the world to change for you."
So I stop reminding you.
Because you don't forget.
You just don't want to remember.
Sometimes I wonder
if anyone likes their family.
If there are children out there
who grew up not wanting to hide away from the world,
who were welcomed in open arms,
instead of mocked,
belittled,
reviled,
told they're faking their illnesses,
told people like them are disgusting,
and shouldn't be allowed to exist in public spaces.
I wonder when you'll stop making my life all about you.
I've wondered that all my life.
But I've just done my best to ignore it.
Mar 11, 2018
Mar 11, 2018 at 10:21 PM UTC
There is no turning back.
Their cries will echo in your mind,
And you can never stop them.
The blood on your hands,
In your veins,
Aches with corruption.
You already know
That you have been marked unforgivable.
Is that why you hide away?
From the past that eats away at your heart,
From the present that restlessly reverberates in your skull?
Do you think you can hide from it all?
Lock yourself away in a prison of your own making?
Is this why you left your failures?
Why you attempted such fruitless repentance?
Is it this pain that led you to ease the suffering of others?
This regret that keeps you from them following in your footsteps?
I don't need to tell you this,
You already know,
But there is no turning back for you.
Though, now you know better than you did then.
Now you know a corpse should be left well alone.
And only an honest death can cure you now.
Feb 8, 2018
Feb 8, 2018 at 12:34 AM UTC
I wake up every night
In our special place
You're standing there
Why are you out here so late?
You're always staring out through the fields
Your hair never looked so divine
In the emptiness
Why won't you talk to me?
I always wrap my arms around you
You do nothing
And we stare into nothing
Why do you feel so cold?
I try to talk to you
Tell you to come home
That it's not safe out here
The only thing that comes out of my mouth is blood
I can't breathe
But you don't care
I hold onto you as hard as I can
But you always turn to sand in my arms
And so I jolt back violently to sleep
To go on living the same nightmare
Without you
Dec 10, 2017
Dec 10, 2017 at 5:24 AM UTC