Depression isn’t just having bad days, it’s having good days with a bad state of mind.
It’s having days where you seek and seek but you cannot find.
It’s wilted flowers and bright sunshine,
It’s a straight path with jagged lines.
It’s a turn signal that has 3 lefts and 2 rights.
It’s seeing a bird with clipped wings in flight.
It’s confusion when there should be clarity,
It’s the betrayal you feel when everyone seems to lack sincerity.
It’s a smile that reaches all places but the heart,
It’s knowing where you want to finish but not knowing where to start.
Feb 2, 2019
Feb 2, 2019 at 2:21 PM UTC
i can't shake this weight off,
i can’t take this heavy load.
i can’t breathe, i feel lost.
i can’t do this alone.
i take two steps forward,
and twenty back.
i'm stuck in this corner,
and the walls are closing in fast.
how much longer until i learn to keep people around?
how much longer until someone notices?
how much longer until i give out?
how much longer until my family is getting condolences?
Nov 13, 2018
Nov 13, 2018 at 3:42 AM UTC
The road is long, rough, tough and winding, it needs a pair of strong and stable feet,
And though I despise anything man-made, I might need and have to learn to accept an automobile to help set me free.
This road is forever engraved in my mind. It just lingers, sort of like fog and I am stuck with this altered and tainted view for the rest of my life. Seems like there's no other way.
It's the road I always go back to, and sometimes the fog clears up, it clears up for seasons time, but it comes back, always and all day.
Apr 8, 2015
Apr 8, 2015 at 8:47 PM UTC
I'm trying to calculate how much I don't need you,
But I keep coming up with zero..
I'm trying to not want you,
But you've invaded and stuck to my necessities like crazy glue and I am crazy for you.
With you I'm a blue, a red, sometimes a lilac, too.
All the colors in the world, even the ones we haven't thought of,
All the droplets in the world no amount of Suns can dry up,
All the words I haven't wrote,
All the lines you have yet to quote,
All the shapes in the world we haven't sketched,
All the places that have yet to be felt,
All the sounds in the world you haven't emitted,
All the dreams we haven't dreamt-
Don't amount to what we are,
And though I ask that, I already know and am left in aw..
I don't mind the scar that is going to be left whether you stay or not,
These cheeks have been wet and with you it could be of happiness or of being forgot.
We both know I don't know what love is, you know I don't like that word and I don't know if I'm feeling it,
But it is what it is and it's far too late to quit this.
I'm sorry I'm not perfect,
And though this is said often I mean it.
I'll be everything you want me to be, (I rarely ask for anything) but please just teach me how-
Scratch that, all I ask for is patience,
Lead any way, babe, no doubt I'll always be down.
I want to help you grow and vice versa,
This us is timeless, baby, no circa.
Feb 7, 2015
Feb 7, 2015 at 11:35 PM UTC
do not stand on unstable ground,
do not lean against a crumbling wall.
do not so much as look at a petal-less flower,
no, do not depend on me at all.
Jan 23, 2015
Jan 23, 2015 at 11:30 PM UTC
To move things you have to have emotional muscle. You can't ask someone to love you and they don't have the emotional muscle to pick up your love.
Jan 3, 2015
Jan 3, 2015 at 11:41 PM UTC
Don’t run along the bend,
Go down the road you cannot mend.
Don’t stop until you see the river form,
It's a sight that's sure to make you quiver even more.
Jan 3, 2015
Jan 3, 2015 at 4:27 AM UTC
Feeling a heart (break) I don't have,
I'm soft skinned yet thick skinned, don't let it confuse you.
Emotionless, careless but extremely pensive,
I've encountered all shades of blue.
I'm a strong non-believer of chance,
I've had countless of calculated mishaps,
Wish I had my memory on infinite photographs,
Could've evaded so much nerve damage, perhaps.
Numb and restless,
My body is filled with a void.
The emptiness is something I detest,
Along with being toyed.
I thought my non-existent emotions couldn't be voiced,
It's been the cause of why so many opportunities have been soiled.
So many moments unexpressed,
So many feelings repressed.
I don't believe pure happiness exists in this life,
But I've been content lately.
Oh how many conversations went on in strife,
because I was too confused on how to accept my reality.
How many times I fought for love I didn't believe in,
how many times I pushed out a hate I didn't have within.
Believe in the good and the bad, too.
Believe in monogamy and one meant for two and-
Vice versa.
I believe in opposites and in similarities,
I believe in exacts and uncertainties.
I believe in the truth being a lie,
I believe in hello's but am more prone to goodbye's.
It's not my fault I have a big heart but am heartless,
It's not how I intended to be,
I have an immense amount of regrets,
All of them made of satisfactions I wasn't able to see.
Dec 22, 2014
Dec 22, 2014 at 6:54 AM UTC
I feel like I'm always going to be alone, mentally and physically.
But then I get to thinking and realize I'm so young, yes I feel old but I'm so very young. Someone/something might come into my life that'll fill that void tomorrow, next year or in a decade. We're alone for a reason, to better ourselves, to have to do so because going into anything incomplete will never leave you whole. You need to be whole to be able to share a part of yourself because everything takes something from you and when you're at pieces you can't afford that to happen, you don't have enough to let that happen.
Everything has a process, some longer than others. Some of us are complex broken glass and some of us are just a simple incomplete puzzles.
Regardless, we'll find the pieces, we'll take as much time as we need because patience is a virtue we can't live without. Being realistic is another crucial one. We need good balance because the wrong type of balance has a tiring and heavy weight that'll only crush you into more pieces.
We don't have control over anything but ourselves, and even thought it might not seem like it, it's up to us to decide how we complete ourselves.
Of course being whole isn't something we know or know how to acquire, especially if we've never been but once you're there, and you can only get there with the right steps, you'll know. I'm far from it, I know it'll take years and years for me to feel whole, but I'm good with incomplete, I've learned to accept it, and that helps. I don't believe in luck or chance, I know whatever is meant for me won't miss me and whatever isn't won't ever hit me.
Be accepting, balanced, realistic and patient.
Dec 3, 2014
Dec 3, 2014 at 2:22 AM UTC
Too much of everything is sometimes just that- too much.
When you're at your lowest you get closer to the high yet think you'll never be high again.
And when you're at your highest sometimes the air gets thick and no breath is let in.
The lows are so painful, so dark and so fearing. You see no way out and your open sky develops a ceiling. You're surrounded by smooth walls, no place to help you grip your way up,
and when the top seems too far you start to look at things through a half empty cup.
The cup being smudged with finger print stains doesn't help, you see all your efforts gone to waste and lose faith in yourself. The water at the bottom blows everything out of proportion, and your failures are brought to sight in a new light, your hopes and dreams start to seem foreign. We think the world is cruel and whoever allowed it is, too. Why are things the way they are, why do we deserve such horrible things, why can we be scarred? Why aren't things perfect, I'd be so happy if things were perfect, if I didn't care about anything and no harm was felt. If no one was possessed by something so evil, if mutual respect was a given and acceptance was pressed. If only there was no one to be against or no one against us, no one to feel threatened by or depressed. If all things good were mandatory, obligatory and all things bad were kept in fictional stories. Horrors and terrors was only experienced in movies while bliss and happiness was all that was permitted.
But on the ground you feel close to what's high, so close yet at the same time so far. One feeling helps supply our faith and the other nullifies it. It's a turmoil we need to purify and the thought of the high gives of hope of it being beautified.
There are two sides to everything
Being high is the best and when we are we feel so passed blessed, we feel chosen. we feel we have a message to profess and manifest, it's a feeling that cannot be ever suppressed nor fully expressed. We're at our peak and no thing seams bleak. We might weep but it's out of happiness, and we might feel stressed to get rid of anything we detest, no matter how little.
We find the urge to get rid of all things that have or could bent and dent us. All things that have sent us to the depths we were at once..
***When we're high sometimes we feel a superiority, we feel the need to direct whatever happens next. The feel to control is what needs to be assessed and corrected, it needs to be addressed and made ***** before it's possessed and infected with something not able to be mended. We start to get seemingly positive outcomes by using negatives, and that wasn't what was meant.. We get too high and don't notice how wet the ground is, and in our state of mind it's easy to slip and get wrecked. We get too high to remember what it's like down when we were swept off our feet and made to kneel. We get high enough to scoff at the fuss and to dismiss the idea to discuss our situation, our foreseeable yet unfathomable stump. We're too high to think we can be stumped, and when it happens to us we'll feel as if thought it has been dumped on us. We'll cry saying it isn't fair and though things might seem beyond repair we'll say we don't have a care because we still have that residue high, we still have that feeling of superiority and think nothing can go wrong anymore. The high helps yet it is suffocating, it can be put up to debate but the truth is we can't await for history to repeat itself. We can't let people imitate the wrong we need to educate and indicate them to where the facts have proven to be right. No need to obligate- a sound mind will always correlate and initiate collaboration.***
We need balance and we need guidance, we need help and we need to learn how to seek it. Sometimes we'll find it in things we can and can't see, regardless, by doing so we might finally find inner and outer peace.
Dec 3, 2014
Dec 3, 2014 at 1:29 AM UTC