timing is a delicate thing. it's the difference between life & death. it's the difference between a sure yes & a strong maybe. it's the difference between a friendly glance & a look held too long.
timing's never really been my thing. I'm always too late. too late for appointments, for chances, for people. I never know how to show up at quite the right time. and I think I wanted timing to mean less than it did. because now you need the time. because your time is valuable and while I know it's not being wasted, I know it needs to be acknowledged that you need it. and that be the end. and there be no other place we go for then. and I need to accept that this could be a road I looked down and walked past. and just because I don't want that doesn't make it not what it is. or what it could be. because it is what it is. it is.
Aug 12, 2017
Aug 12, 2017 at 6:57 PM UTC
the grey just comes sometimes
other times I think myself into it. I wish I could think myself out of it just as easily.
I loved her and I love him because of every way they are different from you
every way they love me differently and better than you do. than you know how.
father's day shouldn't be like this. it shouldn't be a time like this. I don't want it to always be like this.
I don't want my kids to grow up in a house knowing there are days in a year mom won't be able to get out of bed
knowing those days are connected to a man that is nothing like their father. a man not capable of growing up enough to teach his children anything intentionally.
I don't want an anxiety attack to be forever hanging in the shadows for me exact days a year. I want to love and be loved without feeling like you're in the room telling me I'm doing it wrong.
I want you to be my daddy. that's all I've ever wanted.
but instead, I've gotten Anthony.
and because of that, I will always be the 5th grader you bullied. the one you made to feel less than. the one you showed over and over again that she couldn't be herself in your presence.
and now at 19, I deal with the consequences.
I face the realities.
I will never come out to you.
I will never run to you when my heart is broken.
I will never get to ask you if your grey is the same shade as mine.
I will never get to ask if you've ever gotten so far into it that it seems like a shade of black. I won't get to ask how you got out of it. how I get out of it.
my children won't know you in the ways I want them to.
my children won't understand. I won't give them a father who would make them understand.
sometimes I want to wish you away. other times I am grateful for the lessons you have taught me. I wish I knew what kind of time this was.
Jun 17, 2017
Jun 17, 2017 at 12:42 AM UTC
i don't wanna worry about what you can and can't do
i want you to love freely. and live freely. and experience freely.
i want you to freely exist. to have that luxury. because it's not something you've gotten to do honestly yet.
not something you've freely done
and you deserve it
you who is so authentic & so giving & has so much endurance,
deserve that
you deserve nights in her car where endless is the only way to describe your journey
you deserve mornings in hole in the wall diners where your order becomes her order and vice versa.
you deserve saturday afternoons lost in her head and her sheets
you deserve love and someone willing to learn how you like your eggs
you deserve good *** and better intimacy
you deserve more than the world because the world can be bought and goddesses own heavens by birthright
i don't wanna write about what you deserve because you should already have it
Apr 17, 2016
Apr 17, 2016 at 9:14 PM UTC
a lot has changed. i've developed a love for the lowercase.
i lost a love for you.
i gained a love for her. and that shifted to a new thing. a thing i can't always quite explain.
it seems all my work has always been about others. i find inspiration in bricks and dogs and pebbles and people.
and now i'm finding my inspiration in me.
even if i'm scaring me a little. the days are darker shades of grey than i would like but they haven't gotten the best of me yet. and so i keep writing.
because i have to. because i need to. because "where i'm from that **** hurts".
Apr 14, 2016
Apr 14, 2016 at 10:43 PM UTC
It's not enough to say I'm over it,
it's not enough to see you with her
Apparently I enjoy torturing myself via the heart
I've never been an adrenaline ****** or one to look for adventure in the bottom of a bottle,
but I have found myself searching for a bit of life within other people
Pushing my emotional boundaries, seeing how close to a breaking point I can get
Seeing how close to someone else's emotional boundaries I can get
That's where the high comes from,
watching the surface crack under the pressure I've caused but not quite break
Revealing where the weakness lies in people is the beauty of it
Because cracks reveal the weakest points of people and as they say,
"you're only as strong as your weakest link"
Mar 12, 2015
Mar 12, 2015 at 10:44 PM UTC
someone asked me what the worst thing ever said to me was
my brain didn't go to all the times I had been bullied
the day I got a voice mail from a group of girls ripping apart my appearance
it instantly went to the day you told me you didn't expect me to understand
"I love her, I don't expect you to understand"
but I did understand, because I've loved before
...I thought I could love you
Dec 14, 2014
Dec 14, 2014 at 4:04 PM UTC
i haven’t eaten since you left
i can’t even look at the food in my cabinets without thinking of the night you made me dinner
i can’t eat a sour patch kid without thinking of the night i broke you
the only thing i can keep down is coffee
you hate coffee, you said it's bad for you
but i love coffee
it’s my escape and my happy place
Nov 13, 2014
Nov 13, 2014 at 3:35 PM UTC
"what's the worst thing someone's ever said to you?"
"I can't love you like you need me to."
Nov 10, 2014
Nov 10, 2014 at 9:00 AM UTC
I want you, and you. But I miss him, and him, and oh god do I miss him too. I want you the most though. I have for a while now.
Jul 13, 2014
Jul 13, 2014 at 2:25 AM UTC
pictures of vanilla skinned girls with honeysuckle hair that has been made messy by life, adventure, unmade sheets, & reckless boys
Jun 18, 2014
Jun 18, 2014 at 11:06 PM UTC