william-thomas-lodge-iii
Since as long as I can remember my thoughts organized themselves in a somewhat philosophical and by proxy, poetic manner. So this is an outlet for said thoughts and feelings and emotions and all that stuff that is only truly expressible in my life through the written word.
And it’s the darkness in me that draws me to the sunshine in you
Like perhaps one day I could make it to that place and I could feel like something might be okay.
But since it’s today rather than someday I’ll stay away and keep my mind locked inside the confines of these pages
You see, it’s that bright light in your eyes that helps blind me from seeing what an ugly truth we turned out to be.
You’re something sweet that I could never need despite my deficiencies.
So tonight I’ll play the slow tunes, just like you always liked.
We could dance around the room pretending we’re not stepping on each others shoes.
So tell me how to move and I’ll move mountains,
In spite of being outside of the right side of my mind I can’t help but find your smile to tug at my corroded heart strings,
We breath deeply when all that surrounds us is dust and debris
I slip slowly into sleep
Despite these tired eyes
I’ve found rest somewhere along these blurred lines.
Crisp as a winters morning, caressing the curve that run down your sides.
The smooth lines in your collar taste sweet, and it’s unique.
Because I don’t need this,
I don’t need to step over any of these lines because it’s the lines themselves I find most appealing.
And it’s the softness of your lips that leave me reeling
So tell me what to say,
In this competition of how quickly we can step away before the pitfalls of emotion grasp our heartstrings and pull us into something we can’t escape from.
So tell me what to do,
So that me and you might have the tools to choose our fate in a way we couldn’t or wouldn’t at some earlier time
And perhaps we could find some common ground where we could build the foundation of this house we keep our lies inside
We keep our hearts tucked behind the things we keep alive
Because these things keep us confined in a place where we feel safe,
In this house where brokenness is commonplace
I want to see the stars,
Somewhere far from where we are we let go
We let go
Of all the things that once gave us hope
Because the last thing we want to do is keep feeling this way, like maybe one of us will change cause we won’t
Like maybe we’ll find love somewhere inside all the lies we tell ourselves to bide our time
With a gasp we pass at opportunity,
Because we cannot or won’t
Of this we’re never sure
And in turn we burn the midnight hour doing things we know we shouldn’t
Running through thoughts we wouldn’t at any earlier time of day
We find in times of turmoil the easiest to turn away,
We have our own worries and troubles.
And it’s this distance that offers us intrinsic value,
Like cold shoulders have been our most valuable currency since day one and we don’t know how to trade in anything else anymore.
So here I lay in a bed of roses hoping to breath you in one last time.
And that’s why I feel so possessive of your time because time is all I have to offer
I’m not patient, nor am I kind
I am just like him in more ways than I wish to admit.
I died my hair mostly because I like it.
But somewhere else was a hope that the bleach would seep into my brain,
Maybe lighten up my mind in a way that might make me appealing to someone some day.
My good traits expired when I was significantly younger,
I talk too much,
I’m too quiet,
My skins bumps and cracks to reveal a spiteful angry interior,
I have a temper,
I don’t listen very well,
I don’t talk enough,
I ask too many questions but don’t want the answers.
Because it’s truly me I fear somewhere inside a confident facade.
I try to find the lines between who I want to be and who I once was,
It’s blurry here.
And everything I fear coexists inside my feelings for a girl I barely know
And it’s somewhere far away I hope we’ll go so maybe I can start over yet again and be something someday
But that somethings nothing new
A reinvention of a rusty tin can
Is still a rusty tin can
I’m just hope hoping I can rattle around the sounds you make as you shoot for the stars
My head pressed against the glass
Hoping we could be more than just two people with a past
And it’s here I fear my journey ends because I was always earthbound
I’m not sure I have the strength to stay in town
Because you’re the bull in the china shop of my mind
And it’s with each passing day I find a little more of my facade shatters and soon you’ll see that I’m not all I’m cracked up to be I’ve never been courageous unless we’re playing pretend and this got real far too quickly for me to comprehend
So it’s to that end I run as fast as my words can carry me until there’s nothing left of me and you but just a someone I once knew
And yet I can’t help but get these butterflies when I see you and these butterflies feel like they’re eating me from inside
And so what if this isn’t real,
I FEEL it.
I’m
Like a child standing before a storm I am afraid.
I long for a hand to hold,
And I hope that hand to be yours,
So I’ll stand perfectly still,
In hopes that you won’t see through me and my glass visage.
I stand in a broken home,
Thinking of why I can’t just hold my tongue.
So I’ll take a swig of this confidence and tell you how I feel.
I know how this will end, and that’s what makes it so nerve wracking.
I don’t trust me anymore,
I’ve been dreaming of a day that I realize now will never come.
A day where we’re something more than just two people with a past,
And perhaps I’m not built to last,
And perhaps you are,
And that’s why we’re always so far apart
Sep 2, 2019
Sep 2, 2019 at 7:15 PM UTC
Sitting in pews,
Wondering which casket with legs is you.
Holding on to a pocket watch that stopped
Keeping track of the time.
Stained glass windows,
Telling a different story depending on the time of day.
Crows bay,
The hounds scream,
The moon says hello to the day.
Hymnals dusty, and cracked at the spines,
We feel the tide of anxiety rise.
Silence.
Silver.
Like the clouds on this day.
Hello.
Good bye.
Something new to say.
Oct 16, 2018
Oct 16, 2018 at 1:57 AM UTC
A little bit of this,
A little bit of that,
And like that,
It cracks.
We found the insides of our minds to be a little darker shade of blue than either of us have pursued.
So here we lie softly in a bed of roses.
Thinking about distant better things.
Thinking of the times when you were with me and I with you in more than just heart and mind.
But at the same time, the glory days are never as glorious as they seem in hind sight,
We were always bound to end up this way,
Separated by a mutual lack of faith we climb for better things in parallel for no other reason than the stone cold fear that it might not be all it is in my mind.
So I stay the course just watching from a distance because I'm so afraid it will turn out just like every other time.
And you won't be mine either way so I'll just sit here and say it's better this way even though I know it's a **** lie.
Jun 22, 2018
Jun 22, 2018 at 11:56 PM UTC
There’s too much venom in our veins,
This will never feel the same.
Even our midnight talks about the deepest parts of our hearts are filled with the pain we can’t let go.
Like we’re at each other’s throats.
We could be as many years removed as we please but you and me can never be,
As close as we were so sure we were something unique.
Surely nothing would break us but here we are shattered and the only thing we see is who we were in that moment.
And those people are different on both sides and you have the audacity to call me arrogant while in the same breath you refuse to acknowledge your fault in all of this.
Guilty of so much I will be the bigger person and slink away and let you take your place in some far away maybe I’ve let go of long ago.
I’m not built for this.
Too many goodbyes have passed my lips but here’s to one more, hoping I can cry about one less girl.
Keep my thoughts to myself until you leave and find that no matter how hard I try I can’t keep this inside.
It’s over. It’s done.
God put you in my life for a reason but I’m done listening to false hope.
You will always see yourself as superior, just as you always have and I will be a window to other things.
Well I’m not opening for you again.
Goodbye.
Jun 7, 2018
Jun 7, 2018 at 10:04 AM UTC
Darling you look like hell,
These broken bones prove you were lying when you said words would never hurt you
And it’s times like these I string my rhymes together so that they can form the realizations I can never come to on my own
I’m trapped inside those big brown eyes
And it’s only in my mind where we were fine
Like the words we spoke were clouds we flew too instead of graves we dug for this relationship
And it seems as though we were in the wrong place at the wrong time
Our minds were unfit for a love as grand and hopeless as ours
And so I’ll ask orion if we can have a spot next to him in the stars
Because after all we fall so we can get back up and try again
But we’ve run out of do-overs
My tank is on empty and lately I’ve been filling it with whiskey and too many cigarettes,
Like somehow I can burn my way through this frozen skin and live again.
Maybe I’ll find life through another,
Hollowly sleeping around as if somehow I might find where it all went wrong
Like this is just some big misunderstanding
You never said those things and neither did I
We never meant any of it and we can fly again
Take a page from icaruses book and live like tonight is our last
Even though I know We’ll be here again waking up wondering what we’ve done
Jun 2, 2018
Jun 2, 2018 at 9:02 PM UTC
This hurts,
Like nothing I’ve ever felt I feel like my mind is slowly turning a darker shade of you
Like the walls I’ve so carefully built are rotting from the inside
It’s rain damage in the foundation of who we were,
Damaged from the start, it was destined to end this way
I just wish we had more time before you showed me the true nature of your foul and inconsidered words.
And you defended yourself valiantly but you stood your ground when it was the ground you stood on that stands between us.
Our scares are the battleground we wage war upon, like my hurt means a thing on this cold April night.
These snow storms in spring remind me that not everything can follow a code of rules,
Some spirits can’t be tamed and yours is a beast I’ve fallen in love with
But it’s that love believe it or not that leads me to the conclusion that we could have never even landed with the stars despite our aims.
We were always earthbound
Apr 5, 2018
Apr 5, 2018 at 1:13 AM UTC
These clouds linger
Like the thoughts storming through your head,
And it is here that I wonder,
If I am already dead
To you who I layed my soul down
To you who picked it up,
Deemed unworthy
I find myself unable to settle
For another who accepts the pieces you rejected
For another who can fit within the confines of my mind,
You left a hole
In the shape of you
And I wear that scar on my skin like a prideless reminder of my arrogance
For falling in love with an angel
Because who am I,
But a simple man with simple wants and nothing more
You who has taken the world by storm
Me who has been capsized by its raging seas
You who held me as I cried
And then proceeded to leave
Nov 3, 2017
Nov 3, 2017 at 9:53 PM UTC
Your beauty is haunting me
It draws a fine line between irational and rational state of being
Like the life we chose doesn't define the right and wrong on either side of my mind
I can't define what it is that makes me feel this way
Because this isn't caused by some lack of faith, truthfully
I just feel like sometimes you block my view into the inside of your mind because you're terrified of what I might find
And I can't decide if it's because of something I've done,
My arms stretched wide enough to catch whatever piece of you I can find, I've given you everything
Why do I still feel like a stranger when I look at you, as if the contours of your skin are as far as you'll ever let me in and even when I feel like I'm finally close to your core, you put on a few layers more,
Like this love is a burden you want no part of,
Like your frozen shoulder might melt if you put some distance between it and the stone cold fear,
And I think I can't breath because it feels like I've seen this before,
You're struggling to carry the weight of the world I live in and I can't seem to even take my own weight off the globe resting on your shoulder blades,
I just know that I love you and I hope you'll stay,
Because this love isn't likely to go away.
Nov 3, 2017
Nov 3, 2017 at 9:52 PM UTC
imagine me and you
Just imagine what we could do
If we were me and we were you
we would be we wouldn't we
So let's imagine me and you
I guess that's all i can do
from across this crowded room
So lets freeze this frame pause this play
And let's say
I walk up and talk up you
What would you do
Let's say I'm smooth
and you get you too
walk with me
let's shoot for the moon and wind up far beyond the stars
Gonna go far
gonna go far
gonna go far
I'll just imagine me and you
from across this crouded room
I don't have the courage to say anything
So let's see how far imagination
imagination
Imagination takes me
Gonna go far
gonna go far
gonna go far beyond the stars
Let's imagine me and you
Jun 25, 2017
Jun 25, 2017 at 11:54 PM UTC
Here I am again, with a tightness in my chest that only means one thing
I'm falling and it's not in love
Deep within the confines of my mind is scar tissue so grotesque that no scalpel or other remedy has yet to remove it
And it's under this that houses the secrets that aren't so secret anymore
I've been exposed and I don't know how to cope...
How do I explain the inner workings of something that's broken
I don't
That's my answer
I've lost the warmth you've asked for many years ago
I don't do understanding just as I don't do love
Not anymore, and yes it's been a while since
But I'm still sore
And my throat still stings like a mouth full of saltwater,
And my lungs burn like a breath of sulfur and cigarette smoke,
My veins web like train tracks trying to carry life back to a heart that beats thanks to a grace I'll never deserve
And it's this life I lead that troubles my mind late at night,
Lying next to someone wondering what I'm doing with my life like a light bulb with a paper filament I feel like I'm on borrowed time
And it's this fire I feel that I am scared for
For I'm afraid of the dark
And the only other source of light in my life at the present time comes from someone I barely know
And it's in this cold home I find myself with a keyboard tap tapping through thoughts that probably shouldn't be exposed to those who know me but here we are
Words have always been hard but somehow I find these lines flow from my mind like spilled bleach wiping away all other words I could say
Because talk is cheap but I hope these words hold meaning
And that it may better reveal the cracks in my facade for I am no different
I pretend like everyone else
And my only hope now comes from these very same cracks for I hope that somewhere somehow a light can find it's way back into those thin walls in between the tectonic plates of my heart.
A light in the dark
Apr 28, 2017
Apr 28, 2017 at 10:50 PM UTC