my father always keeps a hammock in the back of his car,
as if one day we will camp out under a million stars.
that's the kind of spontaneity i long for.
the closest i have gotten was confronting you this week,
and my only result was burned bridges.
i have never camped out under the stars, never gotten drunk, never kissed a stranger.
but i told you i was mad at you and i told you i did not care if you were mad at me too,
and now it is one am and i cannot breath and i feel like i am going to throw up because i cannot stop thinking about last year at this time.
i can't think of one thing that was the same. i'm not even sure i'm still the same person.
some things sound so weird in past tense.
Jun 7, 2014
Jun 7, 2014 at 12:58 AM UTC
I hate you loving you.
I can handle that.
I hate you, and your friends, and every word that comes out of your mouth.
I hate your hair and your hands and your laugh and your voice and your jokes.
That's fine. I know these things, I'm okay with them, really.
I hate myself.
I hate the time I put into you, and I hate that you hugged me last tonight.
I don't know how to handle my racing heart and sweaty palms.
I don't know how to hide my tears from my parents when I lie to them and tell them you were super happy to see me.
I was a predator and I've turned into a parasite and I don't know what I'm supposed to tell my diary because I promised it you still cared about me somewhere deep inside, and I'm tired of breaking promises.
Apr 25, 2014
Apr 25, 2014 at 10:16 PM UTC
you make me feel dizzy, and not in a good, just off a roller coaster kind of way.
being with you feels like standing on the edge of a rooftop and begging myself to jump, like placing my already shaking finger on the trigger of a gun during an earthquake.
i never liked the high dive because i didn't like the pain when i hit the water, but you feel so much worse because i can't shake you off by swimming around a little.
i feel like i am at the bottom of the deep end, fifteen feet down and i can't get back up, the pressure is killing me and my goggles are pressing into my cheeks and i am no longer able to cry.
i haven't been in a pool in almost three years and i don't know if it's your fault or if it's just a coincidence that that's how long i've known you.
Apr 21, 2014
Apr 21, 2014 at 11:16 PM UTC
somewhere between asleep and in love,
i am sad but not too sad.
tonight it finally feels like the right amount.
he does not love me, but it's okay.
he does not know what love is,
and neither do i,
not really.
i may as well give up now,
but i don't mind anymore.
it has been raining for days,
and everybody gets wet.
i am not the only one who thinks about dying.
Apr 8, 2014
Apr 8, 2014 at 10:21 PM UTC
two years ago on april fools day we told everyone we were dating and they all believed us,
because that year you let me wear your scarves and we walked down the halls together and i went to see all your shows,
and everyone secretly wanted us to date anyway.
this year i did not talk to you at all on april fools day, and i didn't even see you.
i looked nice but you did not tell me and i was cold but you were not there,
but it's okay, because i'm over you.
april fools.
Apr 2, 2014
Apr 2, 2014 at 9:02 PM UTC
i don't think i've ever hit a lower bottom, and i don't think i've ever seemed happier on the outside.
i talked about dying twelve times today and i was only joking once.
i have gotten better at small talk and at burying myself in the screen of my phone but i have not gotten better at dealing with everything i keep inside.
i could fly across the world tonight and i don't think i would miss a single person,
but i am not leaving. they are. and somehow it seems a lot less intriguing when i am the one stuck alone in this dumb little town.
i feel weird about it too. guilty, even.
i have friends but i do not want to be their friend. i want to be friends with flowers and paintbrushes, not with people who sing songs for little kids and yell about tv shows.
that is not me anymore. to yell i would have to have passion, to care about something.
i don't.
i know that i am not a robot, because i honestly used to care. but when people stopped caring about me i stopped caring about them, and now it wouldn't even matter if i was made of metal because nobody would notice.
my best friends all have new best friends. on days when sitting at their lunch table doesn't give me a headache they ignore me anyway.
i am sailing by on a boat made of false smiles and fake texts, but i am sinking.
or maybe i have sunk, and everyone is looking at me through goggles and the water is distorting my laugh. maybe that's why it sounds funny to me now.
maybe i sound funny to everyone else too.
Mar 17, 2014
Mar 17, 2014 at 7:07 PM UTC
missing you used to be an open wound.
every time i saw you, heard you, thought of you, it hurt.
i did everything i could to go back in time, and i tried to get your attention like you were the last band-aid in the box.
and now i am healing, scabbing, slowly.
it's itchy and uncomfortable and i avoided your eye contact in the halls five times today alone.
i have to work on not picking at my scab.
every time i think of you my fingers ache for the familiar movement, but i must not.
sometimes it still hurts, because you are still around and my skin has not grown back all the way.
i still bleed.
but scabs do not last forever, and i am healing,
even if you leave a scar.
Mar 12, 2014
Mar 12, 2014 at 5:39 PM UTC
you can carve a knife into your stomach but even you cannot protect yourself from ending up alone and afraid.
your days are numbered, and no matter how much you matter you can never seem to matter enough anymore.
everyone is pulling the strings inside you, and your story is changing at a pace that you can't keep up with.
you are running,
always running,
and everyone else is running too.
they are trying to reach you but they cannot.
you are stuck somewhere inside a body that has been beaten and bruised but is somehow still moving and making mistakes and hurting people you would never hurt.
this isn't you.
you haven't slept in months but you can't wake up.
every time you think you do there is another darkness that holds another nightmare that is holding you.
w
a
k
e
u
p
Mar 10, 2014
Mar 10, 2014 at 11:30 PM UTC
my tears spread my makeup down my cheeks and leave messages for me in a language i wish i didn't speak.
they tell me that i am not good enough, never good enough.
i have gone a long time without crying for him but all it takes is one photograph and i am a victim of loneliness again, and again, and again.
i learned how to cry silently to myself when he moved to town, because that was right about the time i started losing all my friends,
and now everyone that i talked to is gone and i have a new group to eat lunch with but it is different and i am different.
there are 7,216,737,659 people in the world at this moment and he is with two and i am with zero but i cannot stop thinking about one.
out of all the cities, why did he come to ours? there are only a hundred kids in every grade and so he was guaranteed to make a splash but i didn't know he was cannon balling into my blood, i thought it was just a pool.
but that's what sharks do, they smell blood, and when he came i was so desperate to be loved that i would have bled myself dry for his attention.
it took me four months to start betraying my friends for him, five to start telling him their secrets and now after fourteen he won't make eye contact with me because i got so attached to the idea of having somebody that i got too close and i got blood on his favorite shoes.
so maybe he's not a vampire, but he really *****
the only thing you can count on him for is his inability to show up for things that matter to you. he will let you down time and time again like he is a ski lift that only goes one way and like the mechanic has been too busy to get around to fixing him,
and i will keep riding that lift because the hill is steep and i am probably not a good skier anyways.
when he lets me down on nights like these, i often wish i could just wipe my own memory.
i have seen stories of girls who swim in shark infested water, and they always lose something important, like an arm, or a leg.
i just hope i don't lose him.
Mar 2, 2014
Mar 2, 2014 at 2:10 AM UTC
1. i'm not sure if i'm still jealous, or if i'm just overwhelmed with missing you every time you nod at me in passing.
2. my head is aching and i am shivering and i am thinking about when you used to let me wear your sweatshirt and scarf on cold days. this winter has been colder than any of the winters i have known you for, and so have you.
3. you used to be mine in a way that was so hard to explain. i wanted you to love me and i wanted to be your best friend.
4. i wanted you to tell people about me and i wanted you to tell me everything about you.
5. it is proven that second place hurts the most, and god how i am hurting watching her take first and watching her laugh at your jokes.
6. i remember every moment we spent together, so much that i think i scared you away with it all.
7. you are gone and i am stuck with all this stuff that i know, like your favorite musical and your brothers' stories and how you got your scar and how you feel about your mother.
8. your birthday will come again this summer and i will draft out a hundred texts, but i will not send them.
9. you're turning sixteen, and i am afraid the first place you'll drive will be to her.
10. i can't believe i'm losing you both to each other.
11. i had you first, and i am not good with jealousy at all. i'm not good with loneliness either.
12. next time you see me, pretend not to notice how desperate i am for your love, and pretend you do not see the tears in my eyes when you walk away.
13. it really is the least you could do.
Feb 27, 2014
Feb 27, 2014 at 7:48 PM UTC