aside from shame, i think fear is the worst feeling there is
it’s one of the ones that physically affects you
it causes intense pounding in the chest, but not from your heart beating
no it more like someone banging on the inside your chest cavity as if it’s filling up with water and they’re drowning
it makes you weak at the knees, and fingertips
your whole body is jumbled with muscle jerks and trembles
and my gosh
your mind
imagine being stabbed in the skull in eight different spots all at once
over and over and over
and you go mute
unable to express any of this outwardly
you just look odd
but your body is in flight or fight mode
and you’re just choosing to sit
and that’s what you do
you sit in it
let it eat you up in every way
terrified out of your ******* mind
Jun 21, 2018
Jun 21, 2018 at 3:11 PM UTC
i hate the way my stomach feels when it’s literally caving into itself, you know? like when you got suppppper close to your first kiss at church camp the year before your grandma died? and then it felt the same way the year she did die and you let that 22 year old feel you up on your first kiss even though you were only 12. sort of like the time you had your first true heart break, you know when he showed you what it was like to not be taken advantage of, and then time that he did take advantage of you? or the time he cheated? or how the night your soul broke because of it and your mom and sisters literally held you down and wept the whole time, begging you to not do this to yourself. you know the build up and drop you get doing a new drug for the first time, and then the 1000th?
yeah it honestly makes me sick, and it’s not just my stomach that’s affected.
Jun 21, 2018
Jun 21, 2018 at 1:45 AM UTC
today i woke up and felt somehow smaller
smaller in the sense that the warmth from the flame inside my belly has gone lukewarm
smaller like my voice, just yesterday, was booming and running at a million miles an hour, and today i’ve cleared my throat 32 times so far because it keeps coming out as a whisper and getting stuck behind my teeth
i mean smaller because food is nonexistent today, only lithium touches my tongue
the only thing that hasn’t retracted at all are my thoughts
no those have stayed loud and clear and plenty at that
but everything else just seems sort of small
Jun 21, 2018
Jun 21, 2018 at 1:44 AM UTC
i waited for you to come back
and you never did
and i know you didn’t do that to hurt me
but my chest is tight and my eyes are wet and i can’t stop these thoughts
thoughts of not being enough of a reason for you to come back up the stairs and hold me
thoughts of being a little girl and waking up and walking thru the house to find no one
you can’t fake that kind of empty
you can’t fake that kind of fear
thoughts of how because of this, i hate myself
i hate myself for allowing this meaningless act to make or break my entire day
i hate myself for letting irrational fears of the little girl inside me dictate my self worth
i hate that now that you’re back my butterflies have been replaced with razor blades
i hate that now i can’t look you in your eyes because i’m scared that perhaps maybe my thoughts are right, and your eyes will confirm it
and in all honesty i’d rather look at the ground and i hate myself, than to ever meet your eyes and have them hate me
Jun 20, 2018
Jun 20, 2018 at 11:38 PM UTC
my first thought when i look at you
is
oh my gosh, he’s so beautiful
my first thought when you look at me
is
oh my gosh, he doesn’t get to experience that same thought
and instantly i’m filled with both guilt and pure sympathy
because how dare i not be enough for him
and
how dare he not be able to have someone that is enough for him
(looking in her eyes)
he gazed upon the inner galaxy, that sets within her. wdym
What does he do? does he kiss her? tell her she’s beautiful?
by then she says “I love you” and you say it too.
Words, Actions, Art, or Poetry..
can’t express the feelings given, and the feelings received.
she’s the world, the beginning of the family tree in which you’ll protect and care for.
just like how you cared for her in the very beginning...yet again,
your mind has thoughts like these constantly, all because of a simple glance in her eyes.
the galaxy that makes you who you are, but most importantly what you want to be.
Jun 20, 2018
Jun 20, 2018 at 11:35 PM UTC
you can’t tell me that i don’t hate myself
when i’m upset and the only image in my mind is that of hurting myself
when the constant thought running through my head is me dragging a razor blade over every surface of my body
i feel as though peace will come once i’m covered in a thick dark sticky layer of red
Jun 20, 2018
Jun 20, 2018 at 11:33 PM UTC
the joy that had risen in me is abruptly deflated
the rise of emotion had my body electrified for hours, and still my bones feel as though they are shaking, buzzing, reverberating with the left over ghosts that represent my happy
and it hurts
i’m so good at preparing for the worst
it could be years away, and i’ll get a hint of defeat, and ill be ****** if i wait for my demise
no, i’ll make it known the second it crosses my ****** up mind
Jun 20, 2018
Jun 20, 2018 at 11:29 PM UTC
shattered starlight is seeping from the holes i made
it is a sure sign of my defeat
im here with a blank face unable to process the hurricane of emotions wrecking my insides
not a single thought is one i’m able to capture
so here i lay
in a puddle of pulverized universes
dimming ever so slowly
Jun 20, 2018
Jun 20, 2018 at 11:26 PM UTC
what the **** am i supposed to do
i feel so empty
the thought of trying to pick up the pieces i’ve scattered around me makes me sick
my stomach aches with self hatred and guilt
and not anything that i can think of can make it go away
in all honesty i would be better off killing myself.
that sounds like a better option than getting high
or getting help
or getting ******
than any of it.
maybe tonight that’s what i’m supposed to do.
end it all.
Jun 20, 2018
Jun 20, 2018 at 11:21 PM UTC
my hands look thinner
i guess you could say i’ve been working out
working out how many days i can go without
without nurturing myself properly
i just hate eating, and i just love looking great.
Jun 20, 2018
Jun 20, 2018 at 11:14 PM UTC