I always feel different after a break up
Not in the ways you expect
But stronger in a sad way
In Survival Mode I feel prettier
I feel more capable and older and wiser
My hair falls nicer
I'm slimmer and taller
Survival Mode reminds me of flings past
Suppressed crushes
Surfacing above new earth
But the earth is made of bricks
And they keep getting stepped on
Until eventually
Love lost becomes the past
And the bricks break into pieces
And when I clean them up
The soil shows itself
And Survival Mode is on standby
And the heart will go back up
6 inches higher in my chest
Where it was before
And maybe I won't be as tall as I was in Survival Mode
But at least I knew myself in that time
To show perseverance and grace
Dec 7, 2015
Dec 7, 2015 at 7:05 PM UTC
My body has formed a spot for you
To curl around me, limbs entwined.
a perfect cocoon.
Every single bit of me fits in every part of you.
You fit in me quite nicely too.
...
I hate the required "time alone"
When it means I don't get to sleep next to you.
That's not to say I don't need it, though.
We're holding up signs that say "I MAKE ART"
But surrendering to our surroundings -
cutting our fingers in hot kitchens.
So let's take our time, my love.
We'll grow through creation
And for me, while I do it
I'll be day dreaming about our little life together
And our inevitable dog.
May 28, 2015
May 28, 2015 at 3:26 AM UTC
fresh trees french streets cool breeze tight squeeze
boy friend new friend
want a dog hours logged less smog
tomorrow off
and friday off
and saturday off
and sunday on
and monday on
and tuesday on
and wednesday on
and thursday off
and friday off
and sunday off
i'm bored
head board
grab on turn on
do that thing do those things make the thing
switch on switch off
anxious on anxious off
write a song sing along play along bike along
bike alone walk alone sing alone
bike together walk together sing together
act normal act normal act normal
realize realize realize realize realize
new city new people new language
few friends bad job
two lost lovers one found love
find me find you together apart together apartment
apartment together
maybe next year.
May 28, 2015
May 28, 2015 at 3:05 AM UTC
Insecurities are common in far away love.
I know you love me, so it's odd to consider otherwise.
I've been here before, unable to communicate
with the humans around me, drinking wine and being celibate.
I want so badly to see your face inside my tiny plastic infobox.
I want to hear your voice saying those true words
that make my heart fall out of my body, into my socks.
you tell me to let myself go far into you. I will.
You're pixely. But when there is a poor connection, ours doesn't break.
LIES, we say. we mean it so badly.
I'm drunk, and you're sleeping, and that's all there is to it.
My past has offered nothing to consider what's worth doing
(god **** time zones)
You see, I've been here before, but not quite so quickly.
So my fists are up, clenched and concerned
Until I see your box boy face and I loosen and I soften
and you tell me that you love me. And I believe you, and I love you too.
Bare with me, while I overcome my own insecurities.
You give and give, how loyal your face.
Your naked body and your warm singing voice
will have me swooning for years, just let it settle in place.
I love you, I love, I love you a lot.
You said "come to Montreal with me" and I lost all other thoughts.
Now I wonder and hope that this dream will come true.
I want creation and love and it's all because of you.
So when I feel insecure, it's only because you're not here
Your hands and your eyes are out east, but you're here
I wish you were here, and you say that you are.
Your heart is with mine, what a beautiful thought.
Feb 12, 2015
Feb 12, 2015 at 11:20 PM UTC
your laugh matches mine, so the details will come
you asked me if I smoke and I said yes (though I don't)
so we shared a cigarette and a first kiss, and away we went and here we are
so near, so near, so far, so far
I was fearless with you until I left
your hands across the table, we both know the rest
micro moments, sound creeps
Your winter hat reminded me of my province's flag
and you looked so good with a cigarette in one hand and my hand in the other
I'm confusing things I hope will happen with things that actually have
you and me in the future, dancing gently, kissing tightly.
I took a photograph of you as you sang to me, unharmed, unbroken undone as hell
And now I wonder if you'll come to New York with me
in your new car, driving far across the country closer to me!!
You were sad before I left, and I think I loved you already.
Jan 26, 2015
Jan 26, 2015 at 2:58 PM UTC
I see your face in my mind all the time, but it's blurry
your lack of middle name
your distant and beautiful voice, growing pains
our hilarious jokes, you have my father's name
tangled together, beautiful and untouched
your lips press against me until I say it's too much
and we laugh and we laugh and we laugh at the cats
you tell me this is too beautiful for words to reenact.
you take the whole world in your hands and you hug it
and you give it to me to hold
since I met you I've known I don't need much more
than our perfect hundredth kiss by new library doors
you're coming closer to me, I can feel the world moving
it's like canada's shrinking and it's all your doing
i'll take the bus and the train and the plane and the world
to your doorstep to you to your hat and our beauty
you can sing songs by Joni, and I'll do the same
and we'll laugh and we'll laugh about being insane
we deserve the love that we're giving and the love that we'll get
I hope that you wear that PEI hat.
next time when we hold hands across the coffee shop table
the contemplation will be gone and your coffee will be black
I'll smile to you as the world's loving arms hug us
and we'll make love again to embrace the love again, we just must.
Jan 19, 2015
Jan 19, 2015 at 12:54 AM UTC
sitting here in this estranged town
in a house where my old landlords live
with cracked walls and strangers and realizing
you and i aren't friends anymore.
i'd like to cry about it and i will maybe but
i haven't yet and i don't have the patience.
the thought of you walking down the street to
the coffee shop is distant and maybe not real.
this place reminds me of you and them and
everyone else who i knew here but
the only thing i want is to yell in your face
about how wrong you were to stop being my friend
Dec 14, 2014
Dec 14, 2014 at 5:56 PM UTC
basement apartment
new font, no heart
don't flaunt
I don't want to know you
or your life at all.
street dresser
thanks friends
mend my mind.
did you stray or stay
what did you say
to me when we spoke
vague day
grey
moving away
ambiguous jokes
nervous laughter
nervous laughter
music
you're sick? I'll help you
i'm out of view you're out too
two great two
to manage
tattoo
picture
call
picture
call
distance far
sadness far away
grey
Sep 15, 2014
Sep 15, 2014 at 2:35 AM UTC
If you didn't want to talk anymore
Then you needed to tell me
Or at least do it gradually
Don't peter out so god **** casually
I'm not gonna argue with you
I'm not gonna fight for you
I didn't think August would come so soon
So I wasn't really ready to lose you.
But I didn't ever think masculinity looked so good on you
Until you cut your hair and got your cool tattoo
And if you're moving away you'd better do it soon, go far west, **** with Winnie the Pooh.
And together was a good place to put us
And "everything happens for a reason" was so far beneath us
And all our friends think they're gonna get through to us
But I can't get through to you
You don't even seem to give a ****
I'm better than waiting around for reasons to open up
Your "what you see is what you get" attitude
Sometimes ****** me off
I wanted to feel important to you and it's not like we moved to fast or moved too soon
But you're moving away, daaa, so that's ****** too.
My mom always makes fun of me when we're texting
Smirk on my face, being funny has never been hard for me
And I like when I can make you laugh and I hope you do
But right now I don't wanna do that because I feel like a god **** fool.
There's no answer for us here in this giant country
Living in Canada has never really made me feel lonely
There's not much for me in my giant city
But it's not like I'm gonna up and move around the country
But if you asked I'd probably say "you want me? I've got nothing to do here, so we'll see." But I'd worry about what everyone would think of me
Because they don't know we've even thought about dating.
It's a great secret that everyone probably knows
It would be great if Manitoba would just put up a sign: closed.
Aug 10, 2014
Aug 10, 2014 at 1:39 PM UTC
I'll admit, it's disappointing to see your cracks
and they're growing.
Not large, not broken, but enough that they're showing.
I was beginning to think you couldn't ever be sad;
Hoping that you could be the joy in my life that never goes bad.
Of course you are not. It would be cruel to expect it, and
It's easy to want everything new to be poetic.
Expectations are worthless, and I blame myself for each one.
For straying from my past, and avoiding no one.
Eventually I will break, and will have to confess that
from moment to moment my heart strays
from dark to romance.
I turn on the "closed" sign when you don't entertain
my selfish and needy and hugely flawed ways.
I'm falling, I think, but from so far away.
I don't even know if I'll see you on Monday.
Though we planned and we planned
I thought this would be it.
I just wanna kiss your lips with my lips.
And see if this fuss I've been making
Is worth the trip.
Apr 2, 2014
Apr 2, 2014 at 1:08 AM UTC