Poets have been lying to me. I can't reach out and grasp constellations with my bare words and I am not the deep blue sea that you think I am. I am a dried up stream of self doubt and I am just a rough draft that was tossed aside because it's clearly not worth working on. I am that short straw no one wants to pick. But godammit all I want is to be that one who shines brighter than the sun or who you are at a loss for words with and I want you to see the infinite possibilities in my eyes and not the sad wreck that is actually there. And god is there anything I wouldn't do to make those words dance on the page again just for you but instead I am at a loss for anything or anyone when all I pray for is love, for even a single friend in this empty world because **** I can't look at you without imagining what won't be.
Apr 22, 2015
Apr 22, 2015 at 2:26 PM UTC
I still do hate the fact that I just breathed another breath
And
I hate the way I have to put my insecurities on someone else
and
I hate the way I can't just be happy I am me
And
I hate that having you doesn't fill me with joy
And
I might just be empty
but
I like the way that time moves on
and
I like how people forget
And
I like that I still have you
And
I like the face you make when you try not to smile
And
Don't be offended if I don't smile back
It's just me
Jan 18, 2015
Jan 18, 2015 at 12:47 AM UTC
This dreary black room
Let's me be alone
To drown
In a pit of fear.
I cannot find the walls, yet I feel them around me,
Crushing,
Consuming,
Eating me alive.
My panicked self runs in every possible direction,
Yet cannot grasp anything.
There is no light at the end of my tunnel.
Limbs pointless yet flailing.
Eyes blinded yet looking.
Heart hopeless yet racing.
Fear consuming yet comforting.
But eventually I fall,
And the darkness
Consumes me whole.
Jul 28, 2014
Jul 28, 2014 at 8:16 PM UTC
Oh god
Why am I so shaky?
Oh god
Spilled a few more red dots on the floor.
Oh god
Better rinse the blade.
Oh god
I better
Stop
I mean
Make them collide again.
Oh god
I should
…..wait.....
I should NOT tell my parents.
Oh god
I need
HELP
I mean yeah I am fine.
I don't cry myself to sleep every night.
Oh god
This feels painful
Wait no
Amazing.
Oh god thank you
for making the cuts take the pictures away.
Even for a minute.
Oh god
Let this feeling stay forever.
And the suicidal thought stay back.
So I can live in peace.
May 20, 2014
May 20, 2014 at 11:40 AM UTC
My parents tell me
"Watch out.
Most poets
Go crazy
And **** themselves."
What if I am
Crazy,
And I'm already
Dead
Inside?
May 18, 2014
May 18, 2014 at 9:40 PM UTC
I Lie.
I cheat.
I steal.
This is me.
I lie.
I cheat.
I steal.
Why can I not just tell the truth?
Its so simple.
You say “I love You'
And so do I.
But I don't.
I hate you.
When you say I love you,
I can feel the bugs crawling under my skin.
I want to throw up.
I want to hurt you.
But I don't.
I say “I love you too”
And stomach this anger that is boiling from my past.
Because maybe you
are lying as well.
I lie so much
there is a fog over what is
true
and what is a
lie.
Wait,
how can I even be sure?
I lie.
I steal.
I cheat.
Whoever you are,
I have cheated you
at least once before.
Said.
Done.
Taken.
Given.
To get what I want.
You haven't even realized it yet.
Cheating is an impulse.
I don't notice
until it is too late.
Until the damage
has been done.
Why do I cheat
even though I know
how much it hurts?
Do I like receiving
I mean giving
this pain?
I lie.
I cheat.
I steal.
I don't steal physical things.
Too easy.
I have no desire for these
cursed
wretched
pathetic
things of the world that are supposed to matter.
Instead,
I steal small pieces of
You.
I have stolen your
Sympathy.
Concern.
Innocence.
Judgement.
And the worst part
is that I love it.
How can I steal
when I know what it will do to you?
My cycle of three.
Beautiful
but only to me.
It is deadly
to you.
Builds me up!
Tears you down.
Why are you all so weak?
Have you not seen the real world?
Or is all I see
Hell?
Are you the blind one,
or am I?
Relieving myself through pain.
Intensifying yours.
How can you
look me
in my fiery but blue eyes,
that are filled with hatred,
and say that I have a conscience
when you
don't
even
know
the
real
me?
May 6, 2014
May 6, 2014 at 11:31 AM UTC
I used to think they were harmless,
I was so naïve.
The variety in my house;
a never ending rainbow.
white ovals
multicolored capsules
muddy orange circles.
A plethora of every imaginable combination,
right at my fingertips.
Ive followed in my mother's footsteps
no matter how hard I tried to avoid it.
No longer innocent
I am tainted in sin
Shape doesn't worry me
size and color don't either
some went with headaches
some for concentration
some for depression
they couldn't ever make the suffering go away
it lingers within me
no matter how hard I try
to
rid
of
the
pain
I cry out
Why?
Oh god,
why?
Do you really
hate
me?
What is this
Hell
I live in?
I popped another;
I just couldn't resist the
bittersweet taste
the coating leaves in my mouth.
Swallowed it whole
no water
because
I am a pro.
Maybe a few.
3 more
then 5
only 1 more
well 2 couldn't hurt
Lost my count by now.
This time i'm not in pain
I just want the fog to cover me
and to once again not
feel
or
show
anything
Nothing
at all
For I go numb once again
as I swallow
another
pill
May 4, 2014
May 4, 2014 at 8:37 PM UTC
White Asylum
I love red!
Wanna know why?
Come on, I think you know!
I’ll help you out!
The
runny then crusty,
gushing then sealed,
but always
thick,
oozing,
smooth
kind of red is my favorite.
Can you figure it out yet?
That red that only flows with punctures,
but then cannot stop.
At least for a while.
Sometimes it cascades
like
a
waterfall.
Sometimes a soft trickle
like
a
calm
stream.
But, sadly,
overtime,
just like an artist with his paint,
it gets dry and flaky.
Now you know what I’m talking about!
I’m positive!
Haha yes, I know I’ve gone mad.
I love it.
Embrace it with my entire being!
I think thats why I'm here.
I never get to see red anymore.
They keep me locked away in these
padded
bleached
blinding
white
walls.
Surrounded by plain.
I really do miss the color red.
i used to see so much of it.
It was a masterpiece.
And I was the mysterious maestro.
Until someone ratted me out!
Not so anonymous anymore!
Gotta tell everybody!
Hmmm, shoulda turned them red too.
Didn't have the time……
Why are you still there?
Have I not made you insane yet?
Good luck sleeping tonight.
Don’t close both eyes.
Thats when I visit.
I make sure you are not looking.
Before you leave and never see your life again.
Sadly, I’m in here.
And you are out there.
Not so many white walls where you are.
Do me a favor, will you?
See some red tonight.
I have lost count of how many days since my last masterpiece.
I really do miss it….
Anyway!
This has been the most pleasant of visits!
Please come again!
Just one thing to remember:
Don’t close both eyes.
That’s when I come.
And I won’t let you go like last time.
May 4, 2014
May 4, 2014 at 4:21 PM UTC
Remember how
we used to sit together
with our inside jokes;
not a care in the world
what others thought.
Remember how
we would sit in class
and make fun of the teacher
with a jean skirt covering her ***
Remember how
people would think we were dating
and we would just send
a simple f*ck you their way.
Remember how
I
used
you
and,
you
let
me.
Remember how
you had no other way to deal with me
except by silence
and I acted like it was your fault.
Remember how
you granted me
the most beautiful gift I have ever received
and instead of being thankful;
I tried to **** myself,
simply because I didn't get what I wanted.
Simply because I didn't know who made it.
Remember how
I
broke
you
down
until
you
hated
me.
Remember how
I would apologize
just to tear you down more.
I was just addicted
to other's sorrow.
Remember how
no matter what I put you through,
you somehow would still take my
****
good for nothing,
apologies,
and still keep the friendship going.
Remember how
I was submitted into a mental hospital.
And I opened up
and told you
what you really mean to me.
So Remember how much
you really mean to me
no matter where life takes you.
Remember how
we have been frenemies this whole year,
so that no matter
if we talk
tomorrow,
for the rest of our lives,
or
never
again,
that you have helped someone
even more than you can imagine.
Remember
how
you
saved
a
life.
That life was
MINE.
Just Remember
May 4, 2014
May 4, 2014 at 4:14 PM UTC
The sleep is something that no longer comforts me.
Even when I find it it doesn't comfort me like it does
to most.
Instead, it taunts me with fragments of memories.
Or are they?
Is that what they call a dream?
But my imagination is not how Disney portrays it.
It is
sick
and twisted.
Awake I lie covered in a cold sweat
for I am one
who does not dream.
Nightmares are what surround me;
awake
or asleep
doesn't matter.
Not anymore.
And once again,
the nightmares
steal all the
happy,
kind,
sweet,
thoughts and I am left
cold,
broken,
and alone.
May 4, 2014
May 4, 2014 at 10:45 AM UTC