With you
I have
Begun a new
A new life
A new me
A new sense of how
to be
Be long
Be live
Be hold
Be have
Be
With you
With me
Us
You with me
Me with you
Us
Together
Happy us
Abounding
Surrounding
Confounding
You showed up
I hid
I hid
my baldness
My aching heart,
My body broken
But my longing
My love of life
My wanting
To be
Myself
To create
Everything
From beginning to infinite
Everyday
All day
Into night
All night
Art
Verdant
Seeping from
Every wound
You touched me
I woke
For the first
Breathe
You gave me
Belief
Inspiration
Navigation
You
Are
Dec 10, 2015
Dec 10, 2015 at 8:37 AM UTC
You came
Into
my world
Like
I did
Into
yours
We collided
two
hurricanes
Brewing
Breathieng
Upon
oceans
of life
Picking up
speed
Never
any sight
of
land
Nowhere
and
nothing
Big
Hard
Soft
Bright
Right
Enough
To stop
The twirlie whirling
Spinning
Speeding
Feeding
needing
More.
Forever...
Needing
More
We
Embraced
Graced
Each other
two
hurricanes...
....Catching
Falling
Holding
Tight
....Each
Screaming
Thundering
Plummeting
Out
of
And
Into
The
In
And
Out
Of
All
Of
You
Out
In
Of all
Off
Me
two
hurricanes
Collide
The
world
goes
quiet
storms
Rmerge
Chaos
Finds
No
Place
To roam
To ****
To roam
...then, only then.....
Chaos dies
Chaos dies
The eye Is Safe
Here
in
our
storm
The earth has
Already
Quaked
The
Rains have
Already
poured down
On us
Like
Rocks
Hitting hard
Cement
The winds are
Quiet
The sky
Is
Smiling
Light
Upon us
All
Up
In
Us
What
Happens
when
Storms collide?
Do
The two storms turn into one?
Or does the storm die
Completely ...
Leaving
Behind
Flower blossoms
Sunshine smiling
Waters calming
Birds chirping
Laughter
Love
Happiness
For you
And your
Heart
For me and mine.
Chaos dies....
Oct 12, 2015
Oct 12, 2015 at 7:07 PM UTC
You are
my
alarm
You are
...MY
Alarm.
...I
on my own
....wake myself
just Seconds
...before
you
create
your
noout
of
sleep
The
mind says
back
to
dreaming.
...The chest
beats...
My heart
belts
out
a
single
softly formed
and
honest
and
sleepy
...word.
...Happy
... Happy!
...HAPPY.
mind
being
body
heart
...skip together
My
mouth forms
bright
and
sunny smiles
Imagine
...now
four
little
girls
beaming
with mischief
Burst
into laugher
all
together
Each
Holding securely
onto
the
other
one's
Hand
...they
skip
along
The one
who takes
the time
who cares so deeply
you are my
wake up
call in the mornings
around mid day
and then again all through my night
You make this sound
It is in my heart...
BoBEEP BoBEEP BoBEEP
Heard by me
meant for me
Not any other
EAR may hear
The sound
your
heart
makes
inside of
MINE
makes
Aug 7, 2015
Aug 7, 2015 at 6:47 AM UTC
I was born an Angel
blessed with wings of light and tenderness
I was destined to fly
you broke my wing
you held me back
you took my light
then hid it in
the darkness
of
your illness and dispair
After years of
ha landed in a santuary of healing
you
Feb 19, 2014
Feb 19, 2014 at 10:53 AM UTC
As emotion rushed to me
and through me
On that first day we met
You were an Angel
An Angel with spiked
Black
***** Hair
I heart bursting
overflowing with love
copassion
Empathy
Pain
Abandonment
Guilt
and Rage
you hid them well
deep within
Your
tough exterior
Cloaked by your jet black
spiked doo
You were my Angel
I just knew
Instant bond
I bound to you
My day dream shatered
As you spoke
with kindness
You were ther to say your
Goodbyes
To all who knew you
fairly well
I was not
part of this crowd
So see
It's fate working its magick
For you to leave me now
Would be just tragic....
You came to bid your crowd farewell
You'd be leaving that afternoon
You would be leaving way too soon
I saw you.
I approached
I introduced myself.
You replied with kindness
You knew of me
So much
for our friendship
it would now never be
With tear filled eyes
I made my plea
Oh, please
Jackie,
Don't leave me!
I just cannot go!
..I have just now found you
I am here all alone
no mother
no sisters
no brother
no one
to care
for no
one
to love
No one
to laugh
with
happy hearts
Always
alone
With hopes
so high..
Always
have been
left
behind
Left standing
on my own
holding on to the
smallest memories
of a time of laughter
a time of peace
A time without
time where no one
ever leaves
Behind
the little
girl Soldier
still at war
a
war
worth
winning
some...
...anyone's
love
yours
is most
special see
so
Please
don't leave
Your words
told
a story of
reumions and laughter
As tears fell
from my eyes
my heart
crushed
under
the weight
of
Memories
they remind me
of cruelty
of a
careless
disregard
shown
the
little girl
soldier
you had never known
she
was dying inside
from wounds deep into her soul
Only years later
would the
Angels reveal
why
had
brought
you
there
The day
you met
the
little girl
soldier.
The day
you ended a deadly war
You put out fires
And tore down bridges
You held my hand through 20 more years.
You are my Angel
Thank you
for being with me
From that day until this...
You held me through many troubled fits
Some lasted minutes
other years.
you never left me
YOu never grew tired
The litle girl soldier loves you still
without her tears
love
a
I think back to that moment
Sep 3, 2013
Sep 3, 2013 at 5:01 AM UTC
I am
passed
trying
to
understand
your
intentions
what
they were,
or
what
they could have
ever
blossomed
into
for me.
Why
did you
choose
me
to torment
What
was it
about
me
that
made
you
want
to
hurt
me
insult
me
belittle
me
then
run
ruff shot
over
me
when
I
was
have
been
will
be
the
ONLY
person
who
has
and
will
ever
stand
by
your side
no matter
what
you've
done.
even
so
you
treat
me
like
a
piece
of
trash
you
would
just
as
well
wipe
your
***
with.
You
have
disrespected
me
my
home
my
heart
and
my
dream
of
ever
having
a
life
with
you.
I
have
been
tormented
by
you
until
I
really
just
want
to
be
rid
of
you
and
of
anything
to
do
with
you
any
memory
of
you
ever
having
been
a
part
of
my life!
Your
pure
unadulterated
filthy
meanness
is
so
obnoxious
and
heartbreaking
that
I
frankly,
want
nothing
more
to do
with
you
ever
anymore!
I
want
to
be
far
away
from
you!
I
pity
you!
I really do.
I wish
you
well
but
I know
now
you
will never
experience
any
kindness
in
life
without
me
Simply
because
you
never wanted
my kindness
nor
me
you
were
out
to take it
from
me
So
now
is
my time
time
for me
to pick
up
the pieces
of my
broken
life
for me
to
move
onward
in
search
of
myself
tossing aside
what
I have left
of
the
material things
to
build
for myself
a
new life
with
the
nature
of my
spirit
and
the
faith
I have
in
my
own self worth.
you
have left
me
with
nothing
except
a
handful
of
hurtfilled
memories
and
with
the
realization
you
never meant
to
do
anything
but
hurt
my heart
and
betray
my
kindness
while
you
test
my
faith in
what
could be.
Now
all
I feel
is
disgust
at
my own
stupidity
not to
mention
my
repeatative
self destructive
action
my
simple
hard
headed
ness
when
it came to
trying
again
and
again
to
make
things
work
with you.-
-You
never
cared enough
to
even try
so
I
am
as of
this
moment
gone
gone
gone
gone
out of
your
reach
Your
insults
and
ignorant
gestures
can
no longer
hurt me
as
I
don’t
care
what
you do
or
what
you
say
anymore!
Jun 26, 2013
Jun 26, 2013 at 9:29 PM UTC
Or is it that nothing in life really ever goes wrong.
Is it that life is continuous, but we deny it?
but that life takes its course
no matter what we do
to change it,
to stop it,
to make it work,
or break it into pieces…
…and just give up?
Who do we blame
when we realize
that we have become unhappy
with who we are, or where we are going,
or that perhaps we are just not getting there fast enough?
Who?
When?
Why?
If we sit and ponder
our minds will wander,
slowly life will surely pass us by!
Jun 26, 2013
Jun 26, 2013 at 8:54 PM UTC
I met a girl when she picked me up while I was hitch hiking back from the health food store.
Her name is, well, I’ll call her “Mirror”. She was seventeen, with three different colors in her hair,and she was driving this great big mafioso looking thing down an old country road.
AND she picked me, a hitch hiker, up. like it was it was no big thing to her.
My first response after the normal howdy do’s, was;” Okay, first off, we are on this desolate back road, in the middle of BFE ,and corn fields forever. How do you know that I am not going to pull out a gun or a knife and slit your throat, or blow you away for your ride, or WORSE?”
She snickered and said,”Cause’ I can tell .”You aren’t that kind of person!”
My responsewas ,”How can you even pretend to know THAT?”
She comes back with; “I can just tell”!
“Anyway, aren’t you glad I picked you up?’
“Of course!” I said, “but you need to be more careful!”
She dropped me at my house, and that was that.
I was left with hoards of memories sweeping my mind. Memories of myself at her age, along with her responses to my concern, and her total disposition, I knew I was staring into a mirror of my past!
I would, for sure, be seeing her again!
It was approx. two weeks later that I saw her, in a little mustang, as I was walking my dog on that same old road.
She pulled of as she turned the stereo down, I think it was blasting some new girl band, “Hey girlfriend” she says with this sweet little sideways glance, as if she’d known me for a lifetime, “whatcha up to?”
Having done the small talk thing, we decided ot hang out.
So she came over to the house, we talked.
As I got to know her situation a bit better, I knew.
... I was looking into the mirror of my past once more.
I had been placed into her life for a very special mission.
I also knew in my heart that, according to what she was telling me, she was headed for the same path of disaster and destruction, I had, not so long ago, put my own self through.
It had all started at her exact age. but I did not, at this point know what to do about helping her.
...But it would come! ...yes, it would!
I found out, a little more than a year later, i could not have done anything to stop it from happening, when I met her. ...In her beginning...
It was during the “aftermath” or the “beginning of the end”, where I would be called back into her life to “play my part” so to speak.
So...
It was about a month ago, I just happened to be browsing through a thrift store, in Spruce Pine, with my neighbor. As I stood there, looking at an old quilt I wanted, but could not afford, I heard that soft, sweet, little voice call me by my name.
”Romy?’ “Is that yooouuuu?!”
*** I can’t believe it!”,
.....and so on and so forth.
My sweet friend from the road by my house, was there, was handing out Krispy Kreme doughnuts.
Mind you, I knew what this meant...
...She’d gotten herself into some kind of trouble.
And now, she was doing community service for it.
Sure enough she had.
I gave her my telephone number, and that was that.
It was about three days ago when I got a phone call.
It was her.
She asked if she could come by to see me that afternoon, after school.
She needed to talk.
She actually did come on by.
Here we are some years later. I am scared.
Not for myself , physically, but something told me my time was up.
The gig was up.
The angels had finally found a way.
For me.
For her.
Now.
I need to back up to two years ago, so that you can get a real sense
of what is really going on here…..
After our first meeting, after she came back by my trailer, in the cow pasture, the first time,
She hung with me the whole summer, and then into fall.
I got to know her parents very well.
I n their eyes I'd become a big sister/baby sitter for her.
She thought of it as just hanging out.
...a place away from her Dad, but close to her home.
She had never been with a boy, she explained,
but she'd made an attempt at a relationship with a girl at school, which turned out disastrous.
It even landed here in trouble at school, with the cops, and with the DSS, here in Yancey County.
(a place no one would ever want to land!)
Her mom was going through chemo and radiation, and so was I.
I was uncanny.
I had at least SOMETZHING, one thing, in common with almost every member of her family.
I became part of her family!
I knew from my own life and my experiences,
she was dabbling in some kind of drug activity.
I just did not know what at first.
Made myself a promise.
I would find out what was really going on with t his girl.
Once I got her to open up to me.
I discovered she was stealing her dad’s 40mg Oxycontin and his 1mg klonapin out of his locked box.
This only AFTER he'd been giving them to her when she turned fourteen.
She was not only snorting them, but she was selling them as well!
I also did some digging, and found, she was getting in with some pretty savory characters.
Of course it wan't long, before she met this guy...
He was handsome, manipulative, and cunning.
But most of all, he had a raging monkey, the size of Detroit, on his back!
Only I could see him for the ****** ******* he really was.
I tried many tricks to expose him.
Her partents were blinded by his enamering.
His story was easy:
..he had been in the military, only to come home to a trailer trash wife, on drugs, of course, who had neglected their four year old child.
He'd come home just in time to play the knight in all his armour....!
I KNEW better!
But when I tried to warn her parents
they would hear nothing of it!
They refused to see in him
the evil that i could....
So when she started seeing him, I went to her parents with my premonitions.
They told me I was over reacting.
And that i had become attached to their daughter, that I should just stay away for a while.
Her mom’s exact words were:
”I mean really, Romy...
" He is a MARINE for goodness sakes... !"
"... and the only reason he is home right now, is to save that yungin' from his drug addicted mother!”
UGHHHHHHHHHHHH!
I had to let go....
Only years later, it would come out,
To her parents and everyone.
...He was a **** and dilaudid ******
His mother was one, as well.
They used the little boy for food and money,
as well as their own selfish adgenda of feeding
that monkey from Detroit,
and the disease he brought with him.
They conned everyone from welfare, to churches, to the department of Social Services.
I remember a conversation a had with her mom, while trying to get her to realize what he really was.
It went like this:
mom: “How could you even say such things about him!”
I never said another word.
Only
In my mind I was screaming;
"Because I know this *******
He is addicted to drugs!
He told me so, in the beginning!
He bragged to me about how he’d been doing dilaudid with his MOTHER for years.
And, all of us junkies know, the only way to do dilaudid, is to shoot it up in your veins!
"DUMB ***
I said to myself.
"PLUS, I even know his other name."
"THE NAME is Daniel!"
"I know him well!"
"I ruined most of my young life trying to win his love."
"Only I did not know then what I was up against...."
"This addiction was more powerful than another woman, or anything else, for that matter!"
"There IS no match
for it!"
...I was screaming this all to myself.
...I knew then.
I was talking about my own life experience.
The years I spen, hurting myself, all the while attempting to impress my first, and truest love of my entire life.
He almost proved to be the ruin of me!
...The man on whom I waisted more than half of my life!
He, who became the beginning of my end!
He was the beginning of a lifetime of ****** addiction, tears, disappointments, lies, and horror!
As I saw it, he and this ******* were one in the same.
More importantly, I also knew, in my heart of hearts, he would be the beginning of HER end.
He would prove to be the beginning of her horror.
I also knew, if she were to end up staying with this nobody ******* for any length of time, she would, inevitebly begin sticking needles in her arms.
My bet would be she'd start within one year.
Sadly, I was correct.
she was,
and had been,
sticking needles in her arm.
The way I found out went down like this:
(and thus my reason for writing this)
She phoned me, upset, and crying.
Don't ask me how, but I knew she was dope sick.
...Perhaps it was the quiver in her voice.
The desperation.
A feeling I knew all too well.
I told her to come over.
She did.
I'll never forget.
She was working at Mc Donald's, to pay her way through cosmetolegy school.
So she still had that Mc Donald's uniform on. (The one, I knew, she loathed with every part of her being!)
And bless her heart...
...She brought me a pie.
I told her she looked like ****
Then I asked her to explain why she'd gone so long without having any contact with me.
(although I knew the answers to each of my questions, I asked them anyway.)
I gave her motherly/sisterly hugs, while attemting to make her feel loved.
(something she had not experienced often, at least, not without a price!)
I needed her to know, that no matter what she had to offer , for the time I hadn't heard from her, I would love her, and I would help her, and I would hold her, until she needed me to let go.
So.
It was after hugs, love, some understanding eye contact, I made the promise of understanding. She had to know, that no matter what she might reveal, I would ALWAYS be in her corner. I would always be hers. I would be whatever she needed me to be.
..As long as I was helping her towards her self understanding, towards love, and towards happiness.
It was a few seconds after our long embrace and our moment of connection and understanding, when she took me into the bathroom.
She uttered these words, nervously, and with shame;
”Romy, Do you really want to know how bad I've gotten, how far I have now fallen?”
...Or perhaps her words were, in actuallity, more like "Romy, look at how bad this has gotten."
I am not sure which of the two is more correct, but I got the message loud and clear, and my heart broke.
Litererally, it broke into a million pieces.
My heart broke for her, but it also broke for the girl I once was, before my own demons came to visit.
I knew then, from the depths of my being,
how the scene would play out...
I knew the ending,
before it ever began.
In a moment I will share with you, the dialog that went on between us on that cold, cloudy, winter afternoon in Nowheresville, NC.
This is one conversation I shall, forever, remember until I take my final breath.
It will remain with me through lifetimes to come.
...It has become a part of me.
ME: ”So. have you learned how to do yourself?”
“Or is that why you are here?”
"If it is the later, you've come to the wrong place."
She started to cry.
"I know how to hit myslef", she said.
H uge tears runnig down her face.
"You warned me, Romy." "And I didn't listen."
"How DID you know, anyway?"
I could not hold back the tears.
They poured straight from the depths of my being.
Again, he I stood, once again, in front this georgous girl, who was destroying herself!
Again, all I could see was myself in the mirror!
I have yet to felt such a sadness within me, as the one I felt at that moment.
As she rolled up her sleeve, there it was...
a site too familiar..
Uncanny, it was.
How could this girl be the SAME?
Seriously!
...The same arm.
...The same hole.
...The same sore.
...The same color.
..The same sad and bewidered expresion.
It said. No, it screamed;
"Help me please! I'm so ******* gone!"
"Help me please!"
" You're all I've got!"
I wanted to turn and run a fast and far as I could get.
Heer she stood in front of me
Here she stood.
The exact ******* same as me.
I couldn't move.
I couldn't think.
I wanted to puke.
She
was
MEEEE!
The silence was broken by her voice, and by her expression.
She obviously saw my transition from a strong woman who cared so much,
into a womean who had turned white as a ghost.
Then she asked;
” How did you know, Romy?”
“How ever COULD you have known?”
I did not.
I could not.
Begin to answer her then.
But I thought to myself;
"How could I not?"
I left that tiny bathroom not knowing WHAT to do, or what to say.
I, for once,was at a loss.
For the first time in my life,
the words would just not come!
I couldn't speak my usual words of incourgment.
Until she came to me, and gave me a hug.
...she has just left my house.
My heart is heavy.
She'd come to me today, for reasons,
she herself,
could never have understood.
I went into my bedroom, whee she sat.
I asked her what she'd been up to that made her decide to call me.
She said she did not know.
She'd been out driving after work,
and so she'd just ended up calling.
Now she was at my place.
I shared with her the importance of truthfulness.
With oneself even more than with others.
Then I shared with her my story, and my reasons for caring so very much for her well being.
I told her about the mirror I saw between us from the beginning.
..of my battle with herion addiction.
But I told her also of the stubborn dream I'd carried with me for eighteen years because of a guy, just like hers.
I answered all of her questions.
I completed her sentences.
She completed some of mine.
I felt her heart breaking.
And I helped her to let go.
She was so shocked at what I shared with her, about myself,
and about my own life,
that it literally brought her back to her self. I had somehow, reached her inner being.
She was able to return to her own reality, away from the deceit.
And away from the web of lies which had been woven around her.
I feel good!
I feel like she will be alright.
May hope is, through me, she was able to see how easily we can fall into someone else's need and addiction. How we make it our own by allowing someone elses demons drag us down, down into oblivion, and how their misery can, so easily, consume us. Then take over our very life!
IF we let it!
....I held her for a long time.
We cried together.
I cried for her.
I also cried for me.
I cried for the girl that I once was.
...Before Daniel.
...Before Manhattan.
...Before the misery.
She cried her own tears for herself,
her kind heart,
and for what would never be.
She cried, grateful tears, knowing now she will no tso easily loss her way,
she knows the angels now. She can feel them guide her every day.
She is not alone.
I will forever be there for her.
wherever she may be.
...we are connected now.
...Little Miss Kim and me!
Her spirit is strong.
She will succeed.
She recieved what she needed most.
... A friend
... A kindred spirit.
...and a bit of wisdom from little old
me.
Oh, and now I know why my Blackie walked me down the old country road.....
My sister, Kimberly, needed me!
Jun 26, 2013
Jun 26, 2013 at 8:51 PM UTC
I made it this far without you
Even the time I had with you
You did not commit to me
Our marriage was but a fling for you
Just another thing for you
simply tossed aside
No rules to be applied
No fuss no fight
would come out of me
I was an easy mark
A walk in the park,
An easy mark for you
.
Just as a Jew wore that star on her coat
I wore my pain like a badge on my sleeve
My scars shined so openly
So easy it would be-
-to ***** out the spark I have owned
Since my father gave life to me.
My life with you was like a Holocaust
A burning of my soul.
It was My strength inside
my inner core of light,
that twinkle in my eyes,
It was that spark you could not ***** out,
You are but a son of an evil thought,
Speaker of all things dark,
You are the fool without a soul
You wear his mark
What, did Satan not love you enough?
I was born with many gifts
from God given to me
A heart bursts with light and love
A forgiving soul that knows know bounds
A mind so innocent
this wisdom keeps me whole-
- this mind does not forget.
It is
-the laughter, the sun, and the smell of Jasmine flowers
the moon, the lust, and fairy dust
-It is
through these things that
God lends his awesome powers!
They keep me full of hope and faith
- full of life and love
when you think you are lost
or out of God’s arm’s reach
look up into the skies
you’ll likely see a dove
with a ring in his beak
He’ll be flying high
with a message of recompense
It is true, we the meek
Yes, we shall inherit the Earth!
Romy
Jun 26, 2013
Jun 26, 2013 at 8:48 PM UTC
Though I know you are in heaven
And you no longer have to endure this place
My heart longs each and every day
To feel and see your beautiful face
I love you Mom…………..
Jun 26, 2013
Jun 26, 2013 at 8:46 PM UTC