I don't know much
except that when they call me "darling"
it feels like a warm blanket
And when their hands are in my hair
or scraping the back of my neck
so light it makes me shiver,
i think for the first time in too long
that i could die happy
I know that i want to spend my days laying with them,
laughing, teasing, but always
coming back to "i love you";
my nights holding on
sending one last text
before a sleep that gets me closer to seeing them again
I don't know much.
But I've already gone through a lot
and loving them is one of the only things
that i want to keep going through,
until i know them
and only them.
Apr 11, 2022
Apr 11, 2022 at 1:39 PM UTC
Eighth grade
i texted the suicide hotline
in band class
Hoping for something to hold on to
while i considered going home,
and just slipping away.
Three years later
i sit in photography
messaging an eating disorder hotline
and praying i won't slip further
than i already have.
Strange,
how history repeats itself.
Oct 5, 2021
Oct 5, 2021 at 3:47 PM UTC
Who am i?
When the scars are stripped away
the obsessions gone
the compulsions unneeded
When i don't know the taste of serotonin on my tongue
the disappointment of looking in the mirror
or the bite of metal against my stomach
When i am myself again,
bare of the illnesses that have weighed me down
Who will i be?
Oct 4, 2021
Oct 4, 2021 at 11:28 AM UTC
Across the table
my grandpa asks me why
i don't eat cinnamon toast crunch anymore.
The last time i saw them
i loved it so much
that he tried it, and got hooked
but now i don't touch it.
And i don't know how to tell him
why,
how to tell him
that the thought of all that sugar
paralyzes me.
So i just sit with my corn flakes,
avoid his eyes
and hope he doesn't notice
how desperately i wish i could eat it.
Aug 11, 2021
Aug 11, 2021 at 11:47 PM UTC
It's strange how healing works.
I still have pictures on my phone
from when scars were an angry red
before they faded to a softer,
paler reminder.
At the time i thought they would never fade
would always stay there,
just as they were-
I thought i would never fade either,
would never change
yet here i am
two or three years later
and a completely different person.
Not healed,
but the pain has faded,
just a bit.
My skin is no longer covered in red;
but i don't know who i am without it
honestly, I don't know who I'll be
once everything fades.
Aug 2, 2021
Aug 2, 2021 at 12:53 PM UTC
Maybe I'm just not meant to be small
or light
Maybe I'll forever exist outside of
what i have been taught is "beautiful"
Maybe some day I'll accept this
not today, maybe not for a while, but
I look forward to that day.
Jul 18, 2021
Jul 18, 2021 at 3:53 AM UTC
beneath me ice gives way-
i give up hope of day,
as i descend into the darkness
the edges start to fray
i fall, away, away;
water swirls, cold and heartless
heavy the pressure weighs
my mind in disarray
in the midst of blackness i see Death;
yet my fate is delayed,
my body not decayed,
and i will take one more breath.
Jan 14, 2021
Jan 14, 2021 at 11:43 PM UTC
i stand on sheets of ice,
my cheeks the cold air bites
i wonder what happened;
to lead me here tonight
in the absence of the light
alone, and unhappy
there is no end in sight-
no land, safe and dry,
to rest my weary head on;
only coldness, and the quiet,
and my sadness, like a giant
what have i become?
Dec 29, 2020
Dec 29, 2020 at 1:00 AM UTC
it's been months since everything shut down
months since i had an excuse to dress up
and i've been aching for a reason to put on a suit-
but not this.
never like this.
because i have to relearn to tie my black tie,
over a black shirt
under watery eyes.
it's been months since i dressed up,
years since the last funeral.
goodbye, friend.
Nov 2, 2020
Nov 2, 2020 at 1:30 AM UTC
i'm tired
i'm so ******* tired.
i didn't ask for any of it-
not the scars, not the pills,
not the anxiety
or obsession
or disordered thoughts
i never wanted this.
because when you're thirteen
you don't think that within the next three years
you'll have four mental illnesses.
nobody ever predicts that they'll have a collection of cuts,
of failed recoveries
and subsequent relapses.
nobody wants to be a burden.
nobody wants to be trapped in their own mind
and i can't tell if it's depression,
or the eating disorder
but God, i'm exhausted.
i don't want to carry this anymore.
(i never did.)
Oct 6, 2020
Oct 6, 2020 at 1:46 AM UTC