i am so selfish
in a sense that i refuse to watch myself
being ripped apart to create—
not in the way i’ll always long for,
but in a way that takes so much from you.
mentally, physically, emotionally;
it’s only nine months, they say,
yet they don’t see the nine months and after,
and after and after and after and—
the longer nights, the losing of yourself,
the way you become unable to prioritise
anyone else but your creation.
they call it a blessing sent from God,
but my God, You’d rather see me happy… right?
i am so selfish
in a sense that i get a lump in my throat
when they question how that isn’t my lifelong goal—
to settle down, to build a house
with little feet running through the hallway,
the joy, the love, the ‘softness’ of it all.
it must fill me with so much warmth, they insist!
i’d rather puke out my guts
than imagine that future forcefully intertwining itself onto me.
“it’s a long-term investment,” they say.
someone to care for you when you’re old.
a return on years of sacrifice.
proof that suffering was worth it.
but why must an investment hurt this much at the start
and keep hurting
long after the beginning is over?
why must it break you
before it ever gives back?
that doesn’t sound like love.
that sounds like a scam.
i am so selfish,
and i’d rather be,
than force myself into motherhood;
children i know i cannot bear
to love, to give my all,
when i can’t even fully provide for myself.
the thought of;
“would my children resent me too?”
because as the eldest daughter,
i’ve seen enough to know.
i’ve been the second mother.
it will never, ever end.
so yes, i couldn’t care less if i’m selfish.
because the only way for me to be selfless
is by choosing myself;
by refusing old stereotypes,
old cultures, old mindsets.
this is the only way i choose.
and let my womanhood be defined
by the choices i make for myself;
in my selfishness i grow,
i learn to love only me—
the person i should have been protecting
all along,
and the person i’ll keep choosing
forever.
Dec 23, 2025
Dec 23, 2025 at 10:10 PM UTC
she tells me lies i let her
she drives me crazy
and i know it's no good
i love her, i don't think i should
someone help me
i don't know
what to do.
May 15, 2020
May 15, 2020 at 9:59 AM UTC
if i was heartbreak
then what was love
if matches were lit up
why do u act so absurd
you painted me a whole lot of bad
what the **** was i supposed to say
in the courtroom full of disapprovals
i had to turn away
charge me guilty
for the things i ******* didn't do
yes, i broke your heart
but don't forget,
you ******* broke mine too.
- why is it always a one sided story?
Mar 29, 2020
Mar 29, 2020 at 3:31 AM UTC
another time maybe
we'll be destined for each other
we'll cross paths like you wanted us to
just like how you've always wanted us to
knowing time isn't in the palm of our hands
i promise to keep safe whatever was there
- whatever felt like it was there
even though it isn't me anymore
even though our touch doesn't feel the same
maybe we'd cross paths for real one day
just in another time and place
Feb 6, 2020
Feb 6, 2020 at 10:47 AM UTC
count your blessings
keep track of time
he doesn't love you
always keep that in mind
Jan 28, 2020
Jan 28, 2020 at 11:04 AM UTC
this is going nowhere
i hope you know that
i can feel the flowers dying out of thirst
and the fire burning out on a match
this is going nowhere
my replies are shorten to just one
i dont want to sound mean but
where the **** was the fun?
this is going nowhere
i am almost annoyed with everything you say
from A to Z to asking me
"hey, how was your day?"
this is going nowhere
i wish i never tried
but then a part of me thinks we cross paths
because at one point i felt like you needed to be mine
this is going nowhere
im spending time with my friends
i don't think of you often
i don't think about making amends
this is going nowhere
i was always ******* scared of commitment
what made me think i was ready
when i clearly wasn't?
this is going nowhere
i hope you know that
i don't love you anymore
it's not that kinda sad.
Jan 3, 2020
Jan 3, 2020 at 9:38 PM UTC
don't think you wanna
talk to me
the way we used to
hard to define it
but it's true
far from above
your heart is
down under
coping with stress
sometimes i wonder
why my heart
isn't at place
why it's still beating
still trying to find trace
i am lost
hoping for a reason
you won't understand
maybe it was best
though it's not simple
nor can i say entirely complex
find me grieving
for the lost i had made
sometimes i kinda wished
you had stayed
now my words are dry
as i try not to cry
on these empty pages
my soul had tore apart.
Nov 2, 2019
Nov 2, 2019 at 10:12 PM UTC
with love comes patience and understanding that everything falls apart only to have it be pieced imperfectly together.
Sep 29, 2019
Sep 29, 2019 at 2:41 AM UTC
at the playground
i watch them run and play
chasing each other
from dawn 'til the night of day
on the bench i sit quietly
waiting for my turn
waiting for them to bat an eye
waiting for their concern
the swings she pushed her up
so high
"promised me i'd never come down?"
he promised she would fly
over to the seesaws
the unbalanced perfection
two kids on one end
that never seem to go one direction
you have your hands up
in the air
sliding down a slide so steep
you pretend you don't see me
you pretend you don't peep
i catch your glimpse,
hoping one day you'd say a hello
so day and night i wait
at the park bench, alone
the day never came, perhaps
they just never seemed to care about me
me in my overalls and sneakers unlaced
i am not like them
with their pretty pink dresses
and their obscure taste
and so, at the playground
i learnt loneliness
was my best friend
in this place we call fun times
i knew nothing
but know i am undoubtedly
out of line
Sep 8, 2019
Sep 8, 2019 at 6:56 AM UTC
you make me feel like
i have to pick sides
in a rope with both ends
none of you are ending
it's not my fight to be won
maybe being in the middle
is the worst
after all
Sep 5, 2019
Sep 5, 2019 at 2:26 AM UTC