tracie-bulkley
American
I started writing in Junior High. / I had recently read Bridge To Terbithia. / The ending had made me furious. The fact that the girl -died-. / So I decided to write a new ending. A better one. A happier one. / After writing one chapter, I discovered that without the girl's death, the rest of the story had no direction, no point. / But I had made my first attempt at writing. / And that opened the flood gates to a world of emotions and words that had built up inside me, with no way out. / After that came poetry, gobs of it. / Most of it unfit for the public eye. / I write, I post to Facebook, I wait a few years, and then I come back with fresh eyes and new experience. / I tweak, I re-write, I critique, sometimes I scrap a poem altogether. / What I am left with is usually something I can be fairly proud of. / I hope you enjoy what I write. / Granted, most of it is morbid, because my words are fueled by strong emotions, / And it is hard to find emotions more fully felt / Than grief, fear, and anger.
Dear Ex, The First,
I haven't spoken to you since the day I cut you off from me
Occasionally I have wanted to, but to do so would only dredge up darkness.
So all I wish to say will be here, in case you ever find it.
Hi.
I'm sorry it's been years.
I wanted to say you were right.
Right about a lot of things.
You once told me I'd grow up to be sex-crazed and wild.
Well I was, for a while,
But not for the reasons you thought.
Once for love,
Thrice just to not be alone.
You said you never forget your first love.
Well I haven't forgotten.
I've ignored, and I know I don't love you like I did,
But I've never forgotten.
You said I would stop believing in God.
I did for a while,
But not the way you expected.
I believed He existed,
But, for a while,
Did not believe in Mercy or Justice.
I found them again
Turns out they were just lost, not dead.
You said that you and Jacqueline were together
And that she didn't like me talking to you
That's part of why I never spoke to you years later.
I sometimes wonder if you got married.
I sometimes wonder if you still remember me
Or think of me.
Remember that poem I wrote the day I went away?
The House on Morris Street?
I think you misunderstood what it meant.
You were angry and hurt.
I don't think you understood
I burned down the House on Morris Street
Because I couldn't bear to watch it rot away
As you and I both knew it would one day.
I still look you up sometimes
Just to make sure you're still OK.
If you wanted to say something to me
I wouldn't ignore you
But if you didn't
I wouldn't blame you.
Just please be alive
And please be happy
I recall much more happiness you gave me
Despite the sadness in your soul.
Sincerely,
The Little Paladin
Aug 27, 2015
Aug 27, 2015 at 4:09 AM UTC
I'm a horror fanatic
Because if I can outrun the shadows of dusk
Maybe I can run away from the possibilities
That tear at my slowly dying dreams.
I'm a gamer
Because if I can save the world
Maybe I can save myself
I'm a reader
Because powerful emotion
Is a drug that heightens
Rather than dulls the taste of life
I'm a writer
Because it's the one dealer
That feels good about what he's selling
I'm a fantastic lover
Because someone once told me I was worthy of hate
And it's the one way I know
To make him a liar
I'm a great make-lover
Because the height of satisfaction
Lies in another's perfect joy
I'm a healer
Because I've been a hurter
I'm a fighter
Because a healer has to be.
Apr 27, 2015
Apr 27, 2015 at 3:27 AM UTC
She’s perfect, isn’t she?
That girl in front of you.
Barely finite lines of gold and ochre
Pure as thoughts from her head
Luna-cloaked and markless
Kohl and oak descrying
The haze and high of your waking breaths
Both in substance and in pleasure.
Just what you always wanted.
Not me.
My brief and ebon-neared lines
Murked by impure hazes
Luna-pocked and touched
Kohl and oak, but too-hard trying
A breeze, gentle and cautious to remove the dream
And give truth tangibility.
Much too real for you.
Perfect.
Snow-goddess shoulders covered
Just because you possess them
Luna-soul untouched, unseen,
Just for your security
Empty breathing, nodding crown
Ensynchroned, timed, with yours
Every face, and every line
Unbroken marble replica
Of air
How dare I.
Goddess shoulders bare as when I please
You could not possess them
Luna-soul unsecreted but,
Before you and your battering, unashamed
Swimming, messy, living within my crown,
Out of step and of my mind
Every inch, an inch of mine
How dare I be unbroken art
Unbroken art of Earth
Of air.
Twisting 'round your fingers
Curved into your body and your brain
Bent whichever way you opt to bend her
Over, under, and around.
Into pain and pain-ed pleasure
But always pain in pleasure and pleasure from pain
Both and neither
Either and physical or transcendental
Always and never in your purpose
Rarely and often from your desires.
And she's so willing, the wind.
Servility incarnate
Submissive, crawling, pleasing unto you
Easy girl
But only to your touch
Lest she be a *****
Formless, unreal shadow,
But somehow air that no one else may breathe.
Of Earth.
I awoke in formless panic in a cold bare room
After heart-pounding, frozen-dreaming
Of how you left me in numberless shades
Of black and blue and gray
I had terrored and cowered
Wondering if my strength would crumble
Ever seeing you on your knees.
Not because I fix on that
Just because I felt afraid.
Because you never laid a finger on me
No, you never had to
The Luna's cloak will mark itself
When the core is hollowed cold.
Yes, so perfect
Is she?
Just the way you like her.
Insubstantial, shapeless
No rigidity or life
Submissive, satisfying
Yes, the daydream on your screen
That you try to say that you don't need
Is everything that your earth desires
For she is air and you are dirt
All that the breeze can give to ground
All that nameless women can give to you.
Feb 12, 2015
Feb 12, 2015 at 3:37 AM UTC
"Clearly you didn't know what love was before you met me."
That's what you said to me.
What a load.
Let me tell you what you taught me about love
And how wrong I know you are.
You taught me
That it's okay to judge everyone
You called them all weak
You called yourself weak, too,
But acted like you were somehow better.
So you didn't do anything to help others
With their weakness
And you never overcame yours.
Well I know I'm weak
But I'm stronger now,
And I'm not done trying.
You made it harder for me to love
All the beautiful people in my life
Because you had me feeling
Like if I didn't agree with you when you said
"Gawd, she's bossy"
Or "She needs to start running"
That you'd judge me too
Call me a *****
Or a feminazi.
Well that's over now.
I know you're a judgmental *****
And I don't have to smile and nod anymore
Because I already lost you.
It's time for me to love again
Exactly the way I knew how
Before you ******* me up.
You taught me
That the worth
Of love and affection
Is based only on it's rarity.
You taught me that withholding love
Makes it "special"
And "meaningful"
And that is contrary
To the very nature of love.
Love, the boundaries of which
Are expanded only upon
Its giving, freely
And liberally.
I could have loved you
So much more
If you hadn't tried to shrink
The boundaries.
You made it harder
For me to love.
That't not right.
And I am going to love
Exactly how I knew
Before you.
Nov 24, 2014
Nov 24, 2014 at 3:29 PM UTC
I'm sorry
I'm afraid I read your poems
Every single one.
(Except not, because I only got half way down before I felt like a creep.)
And I liked most of them
And the ones I didn't,
I refused to like (out of fear of being a creep)
I'm very, very sorry.
Each one I read broke my heart.
Here, I've made a mess, let me pick up the pieces
I'll put them away just as soon as I've said what I need to say
And you won't have to see them anymore.
I'm sorry,
I cried too much
Over absolutely nothing at all
See
I've never met you in my life
But when I read
"Letter to the Setting Sun"
I was hoping the whole time it was secretly about me
Because there are 26 letters all jumbled into different patterns
In that letter
That describe every thrum that has hit my heart since I was 13
And old enough to wish I was in love.
I'm sorry,
I've gone and made a fool of myself
But I thought you should know that your words are capable
Of breaking and mending a heart at will
Be careful with that power, and use it well.
She's a lucky woman who gets to hear the rest.
And no worries.
This is a love song, but not that kind.
But by God one day I'll have a poet like you
Or -- God will it -- one day I'll BE a poet like you.
Nov 23, 2014
Nov 23, 2014 at 3:06 AM UTC
"Get better" says the roommate, hugging you before bed
"Get better" says the mother to her ailing daughter
"Get better" says the little child to the dying man
"Be better" says the God to his child
I've tried to be better, really I have.
I gave up sins and lies
I'm keeping my body to myself
Keeping my lies inside and letting the truth spill out
Upon all the people I wasn't ready to trust it to
"Get better" says the priest to the sinner
I've tried to make myself better
I gave myself every medicine in the cabinet
No, I promise that's not literal, it's just a metaphor.
I took some truth, to help me sleep at night
I took some blame so he would see me cry
Maybe he'd believe how sorry I am if I cried again
I took some words, and gave some back
Hoping that if I drank enough
Of what he had to say
And puked out all that was inside of me
Maybe there'd be room enough for peace
Or love
Or forgiveness
Or by God, relief
But now I'm just empty
And aching to binge again
"Get better" says the doctor to the bulimic
I've tried everything to make it better
I've wrapped myself in praise
Twisted my mother and father around my fingers
Pulled my friends into my darkness
Because they can't quite pull me out
But there is just two more coverings I need
Self-love
Or true love
And can't quite reach for either
"Get better" says the passerby to the shivering lost one.
I have cancer
Not really, I promise that's a metaphor too
I'm dying
But seriously, just a metaphor
I'm cold and weak
And puking everything everywhere
All the time
Thinking it'll feel better
But tomorrow there's always just another load
And more poison to fill the space with
"Get better" says the man to his cancerous wife
"Get better" is what you said to me,
Pretending that you still care.
"Please get better"
Says the dying to her life.
Nov 23, 2014
Nov 23, 2014 at 2:01 AM UTC
You told me I'd be the one to leave when things got hard
Then walked away when I needed you most
I guess you just needed to be the one hurting
So you wouldn't be the one getting hurt
You told me you can't trust me anymore
Then tore my heart up every time I let my guard down
I guess you can't trust me to let you anymore
You told me I'm an angry person
Then couldn't forgive me for something that wasn't wrong
I guess I'm angry that being your ***** wasn't enough.
You told me I didn't really change my heart
Then couldn't even change your mind
I guess you like to project your can's and can't's on me
That's okay
I'm not you
And I'm not who I was
And you think I didn't need you before?
I'm not who I was
And I don't need you anymore
Nov 12, 2014
Nov 12, 2014 at 4:21 AM UTC
I don't understand
You said nothing was special to me
So I gave you everything to make up for it
Then threw it back in my face
And said it wasn't good enough
I don't understand
How you jacking off to pictures
Of women more beautiful than me
While you were still with me
Is not as bad as me
Using dudes for comfort
When you aren't even there
I don't understand
How with one breath you can say
"I love you"
And with the next
"I can't trust you"
And then call me a princess again
I don't understand
Why it's so normal for me
To spend all day being held by you
And cry myself to sleep every night
I don't understand
Why it's harder to like myself in the mirror
After you
Than it was before you
I don't understand
You wanted someone so dependent on you
That if you left their life would fall apart
And then won't believe it
When I am that person
I don't understand
How you don't see that you're using me
The same way I used others
When you were far away
Because I make you feel better
I won't let you keep taking
When you refuse to give any back
God help me
Oct 13, 2014
Oct 13, 2014 at 11:59 PM UTC
I'm the next act on stage.
Good.
It's about ******* time all that needed to be said
Finds a way to get out.
So here's the thing:
I've made mistakes
I've ****** up a lot, and I'm willing to admit that
Because every ****** I learn from it
Unfortunately sometimes it takes more than once.
So my first big ******
I made love.
18 years old, questioning everything
ANGRY for the first time in my life
Really truly ANGRY
and REBELLIOUS
Like I've never been before.
So angry at a God that presumed
To ask everything of me and give nothing back
Who took and took and took and took
And let others take from me, from others
Especially women, a long long time ago
And maybe they were stupid
And maybe they were awful people
And maybe they deserved it but they were STILL PEOPLE
Still women
Still girls like me
Scared and lonely
Hungry for an outlet for all of the ****** passion
And anger DEAR GOD SUCH ANGER
That had built up inside.
So I was mad
And I felt alone
Except for one thing
Him
He who I now look back on and wonder what
My rational brain could have seen
In a hundred thousand eons of pain and suffering and loneliness
What it could have seen in a rat
In a **** like him
But he wasn't that bad
I'm just angry
We made love
We loved each other
And I had anger
So we made love.
As if loving each other made it alright
Because what they never tell you in Sunday school
What they never really get across with all the
"Shou shalt not's" and "Don't touch that's"
About chastity
What they do tell you is don't do it
But they never ******* tell you why
Because it isn't going to last.
It really just isn't
Even though you think it will
Put that stupidity aside and see for JUST A SECOND
It won't.
Just assume it wont.
And you'll be with someone else
And they'll be hurt
They will actually be ******* SHATTERED
That you didn't save anything special for them
That you have nothing to give them that you didn't first give to someone else.
So yeah, I left.
I'm usually the one that leaves.
Out of 10's or 20's of loves
I'm the one that usually loses it first
Except for twice...
Nah... Nah now it's thrice.
And I loved again
And left
And I loved again
And left.
And at one point I felt sorry for what I did
But nah, that was an illusion
Brought on by the tears he wept when I told him
I had nothing left to give only to him.
Then I met another Him
And I told him early because
I was SO SICK AND ******* TIRED
Of having to hide what I had done
Pretending to feel guilty about making love
To a little **** who I loved once
But no, he wasn't that bad
He didn't know any better
I'm the **** I am.
So I told him
And he got scared
But then he came back...
Oh my god he came back, I thought he would leave.
And he held me tighter
And he loved me more
And he forgave me
He moved on
He trusted me
But back up a little.
And breathe.
His name was Hunter.
And when I met him, I was dating the guy I thought I would change for
And a week later I left.
And I immediately got googly-eyed over Hunter
But also someone else.
His name was Collin.
Collin got to me first, because,
Crazy thing
He seemed more mature
And like he could handle it better if I didn't want to be attached yet
So I told him I didn't want anything serious
And we made out.
And then I started falling more for Hunter
Because Collin was a one-upper.
And Hunter was sweet and interesting
Intelligent in speech
On our first date
We discussed Neitzche in a ****** local burger joint
And he was beautiful
In my life I don't think I will ever find Adonis in the flesh again
And eventually, after trying very hard
I got him to kiss me
God how he kisses is like tasting wine
And has the same affect on my mind
And excites my body beyond what I've felt before
And that lasted the whole time I was with him
It still hasn't gone away
To this day if he kissed me
I think my cells would fly apart with joy
Now here's where my shittiness comes back in
And makes everything confusing
So I was making out with Collin one night
And Hunter the next
And I told them both
I ******* TOLD HIM
"We are not dating."
I said that.
Exactly that.
Meaning there is NO commitment
NO expectations
YOU can do whatever you want with whoever
AND SO CAN I
Eventually Hunter persuaded me to be his girl.
So I basically just started ignoring Collin
Stopped making out
Stopped hanging out
Stopped talking pretty much
So I could be with just the one I had COMMITTED myself to.
And we were happy.
Until I told him.
Then he was hurt.
He felt betrayed
Even though I ******* TOLD HIM
WE ARE NOT DATING
During that time
He felt he had claim on me during that time
Just because he had kissed me
He said "I wish you had told me how little a kiss means to you
I would never have ******* kissed you."
And I got ANGRY
And then you know what?
I said I'm sorry
I said you're right
I said "I put his feelings before yours, that was wrong, and it will never happen again."
I should've never done that.
I didn't do anything wrong.
And I gave him power over me
That no one should ever have.
We spent the last month or two
In despairing bliss
Knowing that at the end of the college semester
Which had been so short
He would go home to Georgia
And I would return to the mountains
And I had played the long-distance game before
And would not do it again
I should have just taken what I could get
So the last day, we helped each other pack
We cried
So much
Into each other's shirts and shoulders
Hearts breaking but hopeful
For a promise
I promised him
AND THIS IS THE ONLY THING I PROMISED
That at the end of the summer
We would both be available
So that we could try again
THAT'S IT
So I cried my way home
And he took his plane
And we Skyped until 2 his time every night
After about another month
The usual sadness and loneliness hit
Being home is bad for me
I lose sense of up and down
As I feel my wheels spinning on the ice
In the freezing summer between springs
I missed him
So much that I felt empty
I ached and hungered and died every day
Though it was nice to see my old friends again
But the worst thing happened
I remembered that I like flirting
And I had already ****** up once
Why not do it again?
Three more times?
For two months I didn't make love
I ******
Mindlessly
Cuddled for a bit with a friend
Then he'd admit he liked me
I'd tell him I wasn't going to date this summer
And he'd get hard
And he'd get insistent
"We can just be friends with benefits"
He'd say
He genuinely liked me
They always did
One even said he loved me
I had no such emotion for them
I just wanted to not feel so alone
So we'd cuddle, talk, kiss, ****
And I'd go home every time still empty
Still cold
Still alone
And sad
And guilty
And for two months I wandered around in that hell
Wondering why it wasn't getting any warmer
Wondering how the **** I was still alone
With all these men that wanted me so bad
And every night as I fell asleep I thought about Hunter
Oh God... I could never tell him
No, he would never understand
And he didn't.
When I finally told him
Not because it was any of his ******* business
BECAUSE IT WASN'T
We were not dating
There was no commitment
No promises except that I'd be there in the end
We kept admitting love for one another
Which was a mistake in retrospect
But he had no right to feel such claim on me
The worst part was that he had asked me over the summer
And I had lied and justified
And gotten angry
SO ******* ANGRY at him
Every time he got suspicious
HE HAD NO ******* RIGHT
And I got angry
Because I was guilty
Especially because it wasn't helping
And all I wanted was him
So I told him
Not because he had a right to know
But because I finally trusted him enough
And wanted no secrets between us
Wanted one SINGLE ******* PERSON
Who I could show my whole self to
Tell everything to
Just one
And I wanted it to be him
And he was angry
And oh god for days he was angry
And every night he made me cry
Because I told him to let it out
That it might help
So he called me *****
He called me ****
He called me cheater
He told me that nothing meant anything to me
That nothing was special to me
Nothing physical would ever be special or worth anything from me
But... But I still don't understand
Honesty
That was important to me
That was everything to me
And I had given it to him
I don't understand
Why he walked all over it
Why
That
That's enough
I can't talk about this anymore right now
Ask me again another day
Just not right now
Alright I guess I should anyway
So the last month of summer
I was with no one
I spent every night Skyping him
Every night either crying in the hurt of his angry words
Or singing my love and praises for him
And when he went on a trip and couldn't call me
I took pictures and screenshots every night
To show him I wasn't out again
I was at home
Safe
Alone
Waiting for him
A month it went on like that
Until it was finally one week before school
I drove down to the college, picked him up
He greeted me at the door and I lept into his arms
And he held me and we cried
And there was love
And I felt complete
And I could finally breathe again
And the gasps wracked my body with pleasure and pain
I took him and we spent a week of heaven
In my home in the mountain
He met my family
And they all loved him
And we talked
Once in a while there would be a sad moment
But he said he'd try
He said he loved me
And I had hope...
Why didn't he try?
He left me when we got back to school
Why didn't he stay
I don't understand
I've tried so hard
I've mended fences with God
Hoping he can help me
But it's taking time
And it doesn't mean anything to Hunter
Why?
I told him all of the truth
All of it
And laid myself at his feet
Just asking that when he was done abusing me
Done being angry
Done with his vengeance
That he would love me
And keep me
And stay
But he left
I don't understand
I tried. So hard.
And I can't let go of him
How can I?
I invested my whole self in the warm and golden dream
Of lying in his arms at night
I changed myself to be what he wanted
I changed my mind to match his
What more could I do?
Don't I deserve forgiveness?
Haven't I earned just one last chance?
Sep 29, 2014
Sep 29, 2014 at 5:08 PM UTC
I'm empty
Hollowed out inside
All that was inside
I've carved it out
Piece by piece
All bleeding on the floor
Until there's nothing left for me to give you
Until there's nothing I have left to give you
That is special and untouched
I used to be just like you
Kisses were like secrets
Best shared little
And given in the dark
But when I wanted to give my first little secret away
He had already given his
And it angered me
So I drove him away
So far that he was frightened
And we never really spoke again
How could he?
How could he.
But I had learned my first lesson:
That it is better to forgive a secret told,
Than to drive away the teller forever.
And one day I told my secret
And later, wondered why
What had I seen in my confidant?
I should have saved it longer
So I thought I'd do much better next time
So I told it again
And again
And again
And one day I gave up on it being secret anymore.
It wasn't a big deal,
It didn't matter anymore,
Because I and others had treated it that way
And I had never been sure.
Then one day I trusted someone
I wanted to tell him a secret
But the only secret I had left to share
Was one that was very big
And very special
And I should not have given it away.
And in the end
It happened again
My secret told,
I gave up on meaning
And told,
And told again.
And now I have no secrets left
To give to you my dear
I even told you all my lies
And all my truths and fears
And I'm grasping
Reaching for anything
And everything that I might have left
I'll give you all
Again and again
And I'll take it all
All the words
And anger
And fear
I'll lie down and take it all
And while you and I both beat me senseless with our words
My every breath will be
A wish upon the stars in my eyes
That you will one day see
How much I love you
And all you mean to me.
Sep 3, 2014
Sep 3, 2014 at 4:28 AM UTC