This isn't a different time, a better place
Because maybe I won't be the only one
Or anyone to anybody else besides myself
But little is known of all the things that can happen in space
I've seen fear in another's eyes, but I don't see it here
Or are my eyes closed, in those moments I go and visit ghosts
Just to hear them whisper that it is all okay
While I ignore the sadness written in between the lines laid out with lipstick on your face
I swear I've seen two silhouetted hands separate, making a gap where light pours into the lense
But I can't recall if those two lives ended up intertwined again
In the end I guess it probably doesn't matter anyway, what matters was the initial embrace
Any of the pain brought on by wondering what happened after that is pain that time can wash away
You'll have a piece of me to hold on to, or to bury if you choose
All I ask is that you mourn it well, and if I hear a ringing in my ears
I'll know it will be our eulogy, and that our space will be permanent, and infinite
That pain won't be brought on by wondering a thing, though the memory of your smile will never be the same
Aug 11, 2018
Aug 11, 2018 at 1:37 PM UTC
And there was a breaking sound
When your heart fell out
Through the crack in your chest where your rib cage cracked under the stress
With the weight of the world on your shoulders
You looked down at the shattered dark red pieces on the ground
It's funny how you thought that something as fickle as love could hold us
Through bright days, and dark nights
The hundred ways you convinced yourself that you would be alright
It's almost as if the lies you told yourself papered over the stress cracks
The ones that became obvious in the sleepless moments of the night
Started walking, one foot gingerly placed ahead of the other
Leaving all the broken mosiac pieces to continue to fall and land where they may
Never bending down, never picking up
Mouth moving violently but there were no words to say
Stress cracks, blood drains, first slowly until you stumbled in an obvious way
Pieces fell, broken heart, love had left you and the implication tearing you apart
All alone, stop walking, mouth no longer moved because you stopped talking
Look ahead, dark nothing left, the human heart could only take so much stress
Aug 7, 2018
Aug 7, 2018 at 7:51 AM UTC
Watching you withdraw into yourself
Put up your walls, while all I can do is patiently wait outside of the gate
Darling, look outside the window, it doesn't have to be this way
People have died waiting for the glaciers in their heats to melt
Their faces only memories smiling blankly back from picture frames
Their families never the same again, every single heart breaks
The sight of hearts breaking is the saddest sight of all
No fight left, the weight compacts the size and shape of your soul
The walls you build to keep out compassion will become dark and lonely prisons
Please don't do this, you don't have to go through this alone
You have choices and decisions and time to fight back black skies
But if you lock yourself inside, then we may never see your light again
You and I won't be alright again and I just don't have it in me to pretend
That the walls you build are a temporary shelter from the cold
Please don't go now, please don't go
Aug 7, 2018
Aug 7, 2018 at 12:31 AM UTC
I can't seem to bridge
The gap between
Who I am
Who I was
What I do unaligned with what I've done
It's all still unbelievable to me
Looking at where I'm from
How did I end up with so much to give?
So much love
A tainted past
A broken man
Washed out lines drawn in the sand
Yet here I stand, unafraid
Letting go of mistakes oft made
The past no longer consumes my day
I'm whole now in a blessed way
Who I was
Who I am
Standing strong in victory yet again
The weight of the world brought me to my knees
But standing back up brought me
To being the man I was meant to be
Aug 2, 2018
Aug 2, 2018 at 10:37 PM UTC
God **** will you all stop with your pseudo-intellectual ******** please
You're killing me
So busy trying to fit fancy vocabulary
Into the structure where your heart should be!
There's no heart I see, and **** you with the argument
That swears are not intelligent
At least they invoke some sort of feelings
Instead of 18 stanzas of irrelevance
Your aristocratic airs are pathetic and irreverent
Come back down to earth now, you drink coffee like the rest of us
Another armchair poet pizza stained can stand among the best of us
I want to feel the pain you try desperately to convey
Not spend 20 minutes looking up definitions in a dictionary
I want to know who you love and why
Describe the scene around you at the moment that your friend died
Stop it with your intellectual ******** please
Simply describe to me how your heart did bleed
Upon the lack of the presence of your lovers touch
You try too hard and harp too much
Aug 1, 2018
Aug 1, 2018 at 11:12 PM UTC
The expectation of a lack of vulnerability
Because connection is not nearly as important as saving face
Like the act of eating is not nearly as important as saying grace
Do we even have the ability to feed our souls at all?
I don't know about you, but mine had been empty for far too long
My mind consumed by the specter of future events that aren't real
The fear is there, but now I chose to hear the siren song of love instead
It rings through my head, and through it the I becomes we
We feel, and we falter, but we don't bow before dark alters
Instead thumbing our noses at weakness to stand in the meadows of the sun
Because we would rather make our mistakes in the warmth before the twilight of life comes
There is beauty in vulnerability, just as there are lessons in pain
But when the sunrise catches your ocean eyes a beautiful song is sang
I could listen to it on repeat, over and over, again and again
We are open, and worthwhile, let the future come and bring what it may
For a place where we hold hands in grace, we can chase that fear away
Aug 1, 2018
Aug 1, 2018 at 10:49 PM UTC
Now, maybe we’re beautiful, but it’s hard to discern in the dark
Trying to leave our mark on this world, but the earth is harder than our bones
We feel so alone now, could we really be so alone?
I’ll light my last match for you, but the sulphur burns quick
It’s hard to illuminate the way out with nothing but burnt matchsticks
Still, the glimpse of your face was worth my last light
Turns out we aren’t alone at all
Still, the darkness sticks to our skin like oil, blackness hanging from our frames
I shout out against the weight, waiting for you to respond because I’ll feel better when I hear you
A glimpse, summer days sitting on a park bench and I see your eyes move
What did you see then? Will we see anything again?
Fighting back against the suffocating darkness of the world is tiring
Then your response echos through the ink, and we aren’t alone anymore
The smell of the sulphur, the sound of your voice, how did we end up here and was it a choice?
A somber decision made, looking for ways to escape the life that we had to face?
I contemplate too much, the devastating memories through which we **** and pick
So I go to the wall, turn on the light switch, 4:30 AM and neither one of us lifeless
You ask me what’s wrong, I lean in for a kiss
We aren’t alone at all
Jul 30, 2018
Jul 30, 2018 at 9:59 AM UTC
This is for my best friend
You were beautiful, and loved, you had so much left to give
I can't believe it's already been two years
No matter where I go you still find a way to make your presence clear
I still carry the weight of your life everywhere
Like whenever I see sunflowers I run to the spot they live just to see if you are there
When you told me I had a gift
I swear your face is scarred into the back of my eyelids because I see you when I sleep
I see you in my dreams just doing everyday mundane things or maybe smiling
When I got the phone call from Eileen, I dropped down onto my knees and screamed, bursting into tears
Realizing we are weaker than we feel or seem is pretty humbling
When people ask how I'm doing now, it's more an instinctual reaction to reply "well me, I'm just fine"
Blame it on an indifferent demeanor, or on an educational system that forces teachers to teach students to fill in bubbles and not use their minds
I guess they don't read what is said in between the lines
That I'm overwhelmed by the presence of your absence
Unanswered questions on repeat of why'd this happen, why it happened
When we all know I was far more reckless and less loved than you
I had a conversation with someone I love greatly the other day and we were talking about why I never feel like I'm doing enough
And it didn't occur to me that I can never do enough because now that you're gone I'm living for two
I love fully, my life is a vivid picture of possibilities and realized dreams of being of service to others in recovery from this disease
But vivid pictures stand in Stark contrast to the piece of my heart that you took when you left, now a hole shaded grey in what was once a beautiful place
Just like yesterday, I was speaking to a group of people in a detox and it was just a room full of people and they all had your face
"Live for yourself, don't live vicariously", a lofty idea hammered home through a million motivational speakers and yet
You don't really have a choice, because if you don't live through me in my mind you might not even be alive at all
Jul 29, 2018
Jul 29, 2018 at 10:26 PM UTC
Riding in a van, holding hands in the middle seat
Watching our feeling pour out through soft fragile boundaries
Ask me anything in the moment, Id share with you everything
Next hour, searching for words to explain the depths of my heart
But there were none, and we didn't need them anyway
Traveling to different parts of the state
But then again, what are the chances we would meet in this place
7 billion people and time is infinite, our carbon traveled light years from the collisions of stars
When I walk into the coffee kitchen, blue eyes striking and there you are
Our roads, where do they go?
For now, and for as long as we let them, we can walk down them as one
Holding your hand, middle seat, knowing I wasn't being judged on where I'm from
What I've done
I'm excited to see the beauty of the journey, to find out what we become
Jul 29, 2018
Jul 29, 2018 at 6:11 PM UTC
When I left, footprints depressed into the dirt on the side of the road
Soon to be blown away by the wind, or covered in snow
I knew I would never be coming back
I hadn't told anyone, with only a sweatshirt to cover against the biting cold
I didn't bring a bag because a bag signals a journey
I just started walking because I knew I had to go
I thought, and I kept thinking, and tears kept filling my heart
I didn't bring a bucket to evacuate the water, but it never came close to sinking
Because I knew I had to go for a reason, and wherever I ended up would be peaceful
And beautiful
And whether I found you there or not, there would be quiet
My heart needed the silence I knew would be provided by the forest and the snow
I didn't know where I was going but I knew I had to go
For all of the days I spent, counting down the seconds until the moment of my demise
The days I spent in the noise, just looking for love
But only finding blank expresdions in every pair of eyes
If I had known to just walk when I felt I needed it
To not forget the past, but not stay stuck in it
I would have left the chaotic scene so long ago
Because I've found beauty in the silence and the snow
Jul 29, 2018
Jul 29, 2018 at 1:25 PM UTC