thomas-maltuin
lie in the shadows / / of naught neutralizing / / bias with ambiguity / / the standard / / half of what you read / / believe / / nothing here / / truthfully merited / / wading in obscurity / / painted in half / / a mirror / / the gaps are filled / / by your own experience / / insight occurs / / retrospect / / before half the picture / / now another / / from a different photograph / / Together they make / A new picture / With two sides / Unrelated
How did I get so cold?
Smile and laugh as friends,
then in silence wonder
all alone.
Is there safety in troubled solitude
or only sadness?
Cognitively dissonant,
I trust you
yet I'm skeptical.
Perceived peace of solitude.
safe and lonely
or friendly and terrified.
Jan 21, 2017
Jan 21, 2017 at 1:37 AM UTC
Would you have me
to have and to hold
forever
moreover
just like this
Would you have me
to have you and hold you
forever
whenever
just like this
Would you have me
to kiss and caress
to watch you undress
without judgment
only inward, smiling, commentary
Would you have me
to hold you while crying
and commit to undying
friendship
that bleeds when it's cut
Would you have me
to kiss and caress
to help you undress
without judgment
when you need help
just to bathe
Would you have me
to have and to hold you
forever
moreover
just like this
Would you have me
to be and to do
to forever pursue
for you
just like this
Oct 26, 2016
Oct 26, 2016 at 8:43 PM UTC
I'm so tired of being jaded
my direction is belated
beat to the punch by self-berate-ment
that's well deserved
I've found so much meaning in
giving you meaning, you all
I've sounded so meaning in
being so meaning-ful
I'm so tired of being tired
and running my head through the
wall in my head
so why can't I do the real thing and from
imagination spring into
light
of day
I'm so tired of being hated
my own soul is complicated
so how can I help you explicate it
when I'm self killing to fear
I guess it's all a fairy tail
that I love to tell so well
I try to give you hope and yet
I'm standing in the hailstorm of my
own constructed misery
I never told you lies, but
are these my own two eyes
I only meant the best
Mar 15, 2016
Mar 15, 2016 at 3:04 AM UTC
So,
I can't really justify
my need to second guess
I don't want to fall behind
or you to become less
courage?
Faith in others or myself
that would require trust
I'm just a coward on his way
To optimism or bust
Mar 11, 2016
Mar 11, 2016 at 8:04 PM UTC
I am my own worst enemy
I could be my own best friend
but this
extrinsic obnoxious extrovert
just won't see the truth
and yet
he takes up for me
the unworthy harrier
We both think the other foolish
but I the wiser!
undying optimism
fades as reality sinks in
so I settle
for the sake of safety
in pessimism
No one sees the real me
the few who have
explained
just how abrasively
I oxidize their good humor
and so
the kid lives on
smiling
and I behind
wondering if my hidden prison
has made me...
Mar 10, 2016
Mar 10, 2016 at 11:25 PM UTC
What is a name
that which defiles
an idea
a rustic title
for the facade
What's in a name
a few letters
a meaning perhaps
false interpretation
belief in someone real
What is my name
but a way for you to call me
a sound I remember
a curse of things I can't escape
a tag I can't remove and hide behind
~Me
Feb 24, 2016
Feb 24, 2016 at 6:06 AM UTC
You tell me I've a problem
Problem one I know already
Already working to mend it
It stays broken in spite of me
And so I freak out
I explode with resentment
Resentment is my fail safe
Safe I no longer know about
About face, I turn around
And so I'll claim no one gets it
Sadness comes I know I'm wrong
Wrong to tell you you were
Were any of my attempts real
Real life sinks in
And so I go down uncertain
I implode knowing I've a problem
Problem two I know already
Already passively trying
Trying it is, seeing my self lies
And so now I face myself
Feb 21, 2016
Feb 21, 2016 at 4:40 PM UTC
What is this pain-
where is it coming from-
what does it want from me
I am cold
I am bittersweet
growing old
I'm incomplete
Why
are
you
killing me
killing
you
don't
know
I'm alive
but I'm-
Crying
I'm sighing in disbelief
Trying
to **** this broken stupid thief
he's laughing
with no remorse
taking our life
stealing all our
joy
all our peace
all our
keep on going
I just know-
I don't know anymore-
I don't care, what's the reason
for it all
What am I
What am I doing here
Where is this pain
coming from I see it's you
All
your
dreams
are just
lies until you
see
that
we're
all just sleeping all your
Dreams will
never be coming true
Not un-
less you believe in that you
can't see
and step out in faith believing
blindly
overcome and
stop believing
all the lies
what relief
take control
and give it back
to the one who
made it and
surrender to his will
Why am I crying-
why am I cold and empty-
why am I
trying when I know I'm falling
down-
I'm ready to
hit the ground
and just pound
my fists against the wall
don't you know that I am
Dying
I'm tearing myself to pieces
one shred at a time
one for you and one for
me I'm
clinging to cold remorse
but I won't give up another minute
I love you...
too...
[Break here]
fever
in my mind
in my body
in my
soul-
why are my
hands shak-ing
I have lost control
I never had it
What's the toll
for getting past the border
into peace and
knowing that you all are happy
knowing that you gave your best and tried
Oh! I tried...
Why am I cold
yet I'm burning up inside
who is speaking of me
who is thinking of me
does it really matter
[heavy break]
my pores
can't take any more abuse
my sores
are they real or am I dreaming
is it real
or am i living surreality
alive
in the shadows
I am melting
down
dripping down the walls its all
beyond my control
I am letting go
one
digit at a time
oh these paws are shedding
I don't- no!
that is the phrase
that is the curse that's
afflicting all my own inside
the prison of our sheltered minds
and putting all our limbs in binds
and burying our faith in endless
[silence]
what is this pain
where is it coming from
what does it want from me
you stupid selfish parasite
let go
how do you like being torn in two
unrealistic unreality
[sudden silence and continue]
I am cold
I am bittersweet
growing old
I am incomplete
am I too bold
am I crossing a line right here in
taking
just a minute just to let it out
and stop
no I won't stop
not if I can help it
you are so worth it
I won't lie
I'm am kind of lost
and I don't know
where I am
and I just trail off in
Feb 11, 2016
Feb 11, 2016 at 4:37 AM UTC
lie in bed and contemplate the day
simmer in dismay
silence, stay
be dark, fester in every way
I used to think
I was bold
my parents would scold
as I'd unfold another
lie within
we're all super heroes
of our own making
daily breaking
vows of patience
suffering selfish synonyms
for self investment
is it in our nature
to really love
to nurture
caring without a care
but for the good of those who incite our empathies
I want to believe that down deep
beneath the heap
of ******* steep
and plaster molded faces that creep
in front of our souls
there might be a light
an ever so slight
break in the blight
the rugged muck
that is my Plight
the one thing keeping me from flight
just solitary candle flame
burning bright
behind this facade
I know it was there
but I've grown cold
my sadness
madness anger rolled
so tight it might burst into flames
but that's the problem
I hope it isn't snuffed
that light
the gentle one
that hopes
dreams of possibility
denies the probability of failure
and calamity
the flesh screams out in pain just wishing someone- I can't even say it
The truth is
I don't want to be a monster
Feb 3, 2016
Feb 3, 2016 at 6:16 AM UTC
Another dead
another broken
another word is left
unspoken
I saw you in your time of need
your sores and pus I'd often bleed
with this we'd formed a sacred creed
I'd be a friend in word and deed
time and time again you'd stumble
and the more my tongue would fumble
your flesh grew big I grew humble
both our minds became a jumble
Another dead
another broken
another word is left
unspoken
your every life like night and day
from Hot and cold you'd often sway
whilst my nine empty dressed in grey
grew stagnant in lukewarm decay
with every passing solid moon
for your howling ache you'd swoon
my fear would take my every boon
in angst I would await high noon
another dead
another broken
another word is left
unspoken
as I watched our friendships dying
I only wished that I was crying
eyes were dry, was my heart lying?
thought of pain, felt only sighing
do I pervert and weakness skelp
or in my lonely sorrow yelp?
was it in heart I tried to help
or do I prey on weakened whelps
another dead
another broken
another word is left
unspoken
Jan 23, 2016
Jan 23, 2016 at 6:13 AM UTC