It's a constant effort, this battle I'm in, fighting with myself…
I never thought I'd have to keep a check on myself… an ever-watchful eye on my hand that only want to grab.
To grab at the knife and to grab at my soul
"It's only one cut…" it says. "You like the pain; you'll enjoy it"
But I know I can't… I've already crawled out of the abyss once, and I'm not going back
Oh, please, Light, don't let me go back…
"But it's only one cut"
But I'm happy now, aren't I?
Why would I want to go back?
But even still, it's ever so tempting
To bleed again
But I know if I give in - even just one time - it'll all be over
I'll be back where I started
And I won't come back
I won't want to come back…
That's the sharpest blade of all… love of the prison you've locked yourself in
"But it's only one cut"
It fills you so strongly with emptiness, makes you whole in the worst way imaginable…
It's worse than death and there will be no coming back from it this time
I will not give in
I can't.
I won't drag myself back down.
"But it's only one cut"
Aug 22, 2013
Aug 22, 2013 at 3:09 AM UTC
The Sound of Winter
It's an opaque sense of discouragement. Smelling the air where the flowers used to grow. Dead, quiet, cold, wet... it's wrong. The smell of the green, and the yellow, and pink. It's the exact scent of everything that winter is not. It sounds like a bird that use to be able to sing, throwing every emotion and thought to the wind, flying free and not caring who heard. Love, and joy, and the unbreakable resounding of purity and peace, but is now dead. Killed by the cold, the wet, the quiet. The song is over. And all is empty.
But could there be something I'm missing? That flickering of hope? Inside by the fire? Oh, but that is a lovely sound. The only thing I can look forward to? Warmth by the fire? Sharing it with love? The closing of the silence and the death? That's the only sound worth hearing. Among the sounds of winter. The constant popping fills the air, giving texture to the comfort and warmth. The sound of Her voice, thickening the waves of the joy that I've found in it. I never want to let it go, but winter will end... and the fires will not be necessary. The sounds of Winter will fade and I will again be lost.
May 3, 2013
May 3, 2013 at 2:41 PM UTC
I've been dead as long as I can tell
Though, I don't really know how
I wish I could do something to let you know
To tell you that I love you
But it's a hard sell
Being stuck in this cell
I know it sounds crazy
Being dead but well
I've got nowhere to go
Not without you
Oh, but it's just as well
That it cannot be and well
I cannot be here
For you
Oh! But how I wish I could!
I can only be here with you
But a lot of good that will do
Because all you know is I'm dead
But, oh
What memories have you held?
Of how my head was in a cloud
The places I wanted to go?
The people I wanted to meet?
The things I wanted to see?
The things I wanted to say.
Of my love for you.
But now I'm in my Hell
Unable to break out of this shell
Invisible to you
Only dead to you
With only a hope
A hope beyond hope
That you'll someday carry me away
If only I could leave…
Mar 25, 2013
Mar 25, 2013 at 11:16 PM UTC
Would you show me how it's done?
How to play this stupid game
I'm stuck out here, outside the box
As the ocean breathes your name
My toes break through the sand
Kicking the rocks away
I don't know how it works
How to win this little game
The ocean speaks louder and louder
Nothing but your name
I throw myself in, hoping to learn
Maybe I will understand
That there isn't any game
Just to love from day to day
I've been trying too long and thinking too hard
When the answer was your name
As the ocean whispers your name
Feb 18, 2013
Feb 18, 2013 at 12:31 AM UTC
Look at what you've done
You've gone and loved me
You've gone and given me hope
Do you really think I wanted this?
To be happy?
I didn't ask for this
I was happy
Perfectly content
Wallowing in my own **** and misery
I was glad to be alone
Happily morose and blissfully dead
I didn't ask for your love
I didn't ask for your help
All I ask is that you never ever stop
Jan 8, 2013
Jan 8, 2013 at 6:00 PM UTC
I can't really say that I know what this is
I'd be lying if I said I do
Not even three weeks and it's come to this
Happiness?
It's a word that I always scoffed at
My own little humbug
Oh, there's someone out there for you they all say
You just have to patient they tell me
Like hell
Twenty years of patience and nothing but failures and sorrows
But it's only been three weeks
Not even that, since I met her
I can still feel where she bit my lip only last night
The scratches she left in my back
The marks where she bit my shoulders
I can still hear her breathing in my ear
I don't even know what happened
Or how
Or when
But just when I'm about to throw in the towel
Give love a final **** you* and walk out of the room
In she walks
Saying Darling do not cry, and I will sing a lullaby
Filling me with joy, like a shot to the heart
A blow to the chest
Knocking me on my back and pulling me back up
Because nothing can stop me now
Jan 4, 2013
Jan 4, 2013 at 10:46 PM UTC
I'm just a bird with a broken wing
I cannot fly, I cannot sleep
And from behind me the Raven creeps
Choking my heart out as it steeps
But the tiny sparrow comes to me
Carrying the light I dare not see
As a lover undeserving, I close my eyes and create a wall with the raven's lies
For I am not human, but monster, freak
And to any savior I dare not speak
For I'm a little bird that cannot fly, and has no hope left but to die
But again the sparrow returns to me
Carrying the light that I must see
Beckoning me to come and be
All it is that I can be
Jan 2, 2013
Jan 2, 2013 at 12:11 PM UTC
Down the street
With empty feet
They walk from A to B
Without even moving
Without even knowing
Not a care in the world
No plan to change the world
They don't even know they have a purpose and they don't know where to go
Down the road
With heavy load
They carry all the weight
Of everything they hate
They take off the glove
To feel that which they have lost
To feel that which they love when they don't even know what love is
Not even seeing the road marked salvation
They trudge through their lives without rhyme or reason
They pass through the seasons as they come around again
And they miss the sign they've been led to their whole life
Or is it easier
To go with the flow
Staying faceless in a faceless world
Alone and unknown
To follow your eyes
Because God's been outgrown
To put down the rose and fold the flag
Because it's just not your thing
Down the street
With empty feet
They make their way from A to B
With not even so much as a foot in the door…
Sep 26, 2012
Sep 26, 2012 at 5:15 PM UTC
To France, Germany, Italy, Spain
I can't run away from life and its pain
I hit the trail, I hop the freight train
And so does my dearest, my lovely Jane
She died back in Abilene and was buried alone
And now I know, she's not the only one
She haunts me night, she haunts me day
My feet drag behind me, they beg me to stay
This sorrow has me by the ankles and is ripping me down
And I'm stuck at the bottom of the ocean, unable to drown
I travel the deserts, starving and thirsty
And the heat and sand are my only friends
I'll never see her again, yes, this I know
And so I'm doomed to this life of woe
Sep 26, 2012
Sep 26, 2012 at 3:30 AM UTC
I don't know what this is
I don't know why it is
All I know is I love her
All I know is I hate her
I go around at day
Blindly following her away
But during the night
I see it's just that way
She tells me that she loves me
But I don't think that she knows
She's blindly tearing me
Tearing me apart
I wake up in the morning
And forget all that night knows
I blindly follow her at day
As she's blindly tearing me apart
Sep 26, 2012
Sep 26, 2012 at 3:06 AM UTC