i can openly say that i'm deeply terrified
because i know
deep down
that you are the one i want to spend my forever with
and i've never said that before about anyone
when i think about who i want my kids to call their parents i want it to be us
every night i fall asleep waiting for the day where i can fall asleep next to you
when i say that i want to fall asleep to your laugh for the rest of my life
that's the truest statement i could ever speak to you
i know this is the scariest thing because we are so young
we have so much time and future left in our lives
but i know that i want you by my side for all of it
knowing you want me by yours is the biggest comfort i've ever experienced
here's to our forever ***
Apr 6, 2020
Apr 6, 2020 at 4:09 AM UTC
i'm sorry
i'm ****** up
at least that's what i think
i promise i'm trying to be better
if not for you then me
i just wanna be the starry sky you see
when your alone at sea
but i can't
because i'm falling apart
i'm becoming a skeleton
that can't hold itself together
i wanted to be the thing that brought light to your darkest nights
but i can't even create enough light
to diminish the darkness in all of mine
i'm sorry
i've been trying to ******* hard
but it didn't work and now all of you are gone
i need to find the strength again
and i'm searching ******* everywhere
maybe i'll find it soon
and i'll pull myself together
maybe you've found the light for your nights
and i could've never done that
but at least i'm trying, i've tried, and i don't think i'll ever stop
at least i've found the love i've always needed
not in all the people that i found but the ones that found me
and i'm not the only one trying to bring light in others lives
there's light here and there's people here too
trying has never failed me, so i'll continue to
and even when the trying's hard at least their trying to
May 14, 2019
May 14, 2019 at 11:31 PM UTC
over my life i have found games that i have enjoyed and hated
i rather enjoyed the card games and the board games
the ones i spent playing with my friends and family
but the ones i dislike are the emotional games
or the ones that end in heartbreak
but today i have found my least favorite
the waiting game
the game where i'm waiting to see if someone's life is going to end or continue
and if it's just a clock ticking toward either one
this game of waiting just comes and with every tick somebody shatters just a little bit more
i think the most aggravating thing for many is the fact that we don't know who we are playing against
we don't know who is competing for the other side
we don't know if it's a god, fate, a grim reaper
this game is a miserable game
and it ends in either fear, relief, heartbreak, hope, or death
**** this waiting game
and **** the pain it brings
May 14, 2019
May 14, 2019 at 11:25 PM UTC
my dad has always given me hell
for loving queer literature endlessly
and i've tried to explain it to him several times
but i don't think he will ever understand
he will never understand that i could read all the romance novels with heterosexual individuals
and i will never be able to fully relate and understand either
yet whenever i read a queer novel
i relate to those characters endlessly
despite all of our differences
i understand falling for somebody that your not supposed to in society's eyes
i understand the fear of liking a girl despite being out and proud for years
i understand that voice in the back of your head shouting the bad endings when your coming out
i understand so much more in the queer novels
i can actually see myself as those individuals
because i've been there ad i've understood those fears and the honesty and the relief
no straight character could ever describe their crush and i be able to fully connect
because for me with every crush there is that tiny fear
i wish i could explain this all to my dad
and have him understand why those characters have such a safe place in my heart
why being able to read those fears is something i connect to
why realizing that strange yet very known fact about oneself is a place i've been
and i just wish he could understand
May 14, 2019
May 14, 2019 at 11:19 PM UTC
i love books, i love them with my whole heart
i have always been a book nerd and had my nose stuck in a book
i've been like that my entire life
and no part of me is upset about it
books are one of the largest parts of my life
i read an insane about of books
and with the amount of books i read i've learned what my favorite kinds of books are
and the only way to describe them is that they are all consuming
the worlds gobble me up and swallow me whole
i'm not me, i am whatever this character is and i'm in this new world
i'm on dangerous adventures or i'm head over heels or i'm learning lessons
they consume me and i don't return until the story is completely
i always return different and with new parts of me discovered
that's what i love most about them
they change me and they absorb me just as much as i absorb them
books are the only true escape i can acquire
and i am always willing to succumb to the stories they tell
May 14, 2019
May 14, 2019 at 11:12 PM UTC
i still don't think i've ever forgiven myself for not being able to love him
i don't know why i haven't been able to
actually, that's a lie, i think i have several ideas as to why
i just, i always feel terrible whenever i think about it
because i know that he truly loved me
i just couldn't, but i tried, i tried to love him with everything in me
i just can't, and with him i just knew i couldn't pretend any longer
i knew i would just hurt more after him if i kept lying
but it still hurt to know i would have to hurt him to be honest
that broke my heart
and i haven't been able to forgive myself even though i have accepted myself
i have accepted that i can't love guys, but i can't forgive not loving him
i think it's because i knew that he would've loved me forever if given the chance
and because he was entirely honest when he said he loved me, i know he was
and i think it's because i lied to him when he was nothing but honest to me
i lied with every i love you
and nobody deserves that, and i'm sorry to him
because he does deserve somebody that can truly love him
Mar 16, 2019
Mar 16, 2019 at 2:10 AM UTC
i wonder if you ever think of me
when you see butterflies fluttering past
when you see an old book with yellowing pages
when you see daisies for sale at the farmers market
when you see gorgeous castles with large libraries
when you hear thunder pound on the roof at night
when you read poetry and see the profound meanings that lay behind it
when you smell lavender and incense float past you
do they remind you of me?
of all the moments and hundreds of conversations we had?
do you ever get reminded of all the things that make up me?
i remember all the things you used to write down about me so you wouldn't forget them
and i wonder if they stuck and ever remind you
Mar 10, 2019
Mar 10, 2019 at 3:52 AM UTC
darling please don't ever be afraid to feel
because feeling is beautiful
feeling is one of the most human things we could do
so, it's okay
it's okay to feel hurt, sadness, anger, happiness, loneliness, fear...feel everything
all I ask is that you don't sit there with the negative feelings
sit on the joy and happiness and let it fill you up and spill from your pores and gather at everything you touch
that is absolutely beautiful
and darling don't let the negative emotions sit with you
they can come and visit and be the rare guest, that's okay
to feel that is to be human
but to let it move in and be permanently attached is not something i suggest
because it won't spill out of your pores, it will consume
the hatred and hurt and anger, will just take everything from you
there are so many people in this world who have let the negativity consume them and they have become lost inside it
please be the rare butterfly that spills good
the world needs more people like that, darling
please always strive to be the good
Mar 10, 2019
Mar 10, 2019 at 3:49 AM UTC
it had been a month since you told me you didn't love me anymore
and if i'm going to be completely honest, i was doing just fine
with how things ended, it cut all emotions i felt towards you
and then you texted me
you caught me completely off guard
you were a name i never thought would ever come across my screen again
but it did
and you were worried about me
you were just asking me so many questions, and i will admit i did lie to a few
no, i hadn't been fine, but not because of you
but then you kept saying you thought that i hated you
and it was like you were begging for me to say that i miss you
and that i just want you back and couldn't stand not having you in my life
but i will never give that to you
because i don't miss you, i did at first, but not anymore
and i can live without you
i learned that i am still me even without you
one thing that did shock me about that though
you of all people should know that i don't hate
i've never been a hateful person
i mean, i get that we aren't talking anymore but ****
we did talk every day for so long
i would've thought that you would've remembered something
but i guess you didn't
and i had to remind you that i don't hate, i just hurt
i was so aggravated with you then
because then you were pleading for me to be your friend
why would i want to be your friend?
your the one that pushed me away and got a boyfriend and didn't even tell me
you weren't gonna tell me, you never were
you can say that you were and just didn't want to hurt me
but we all know that your full of it
you weren't and i know because you kept telling me you adored me
and why would you do that if you had somebody else?
no, i don't hate you, but i don't trust you or respect you in any way
you hurt me
and i told you when i lost somebody else
that i was done fighting to stay in people's lives if they didn't want me
but i guess i'm not the one fighting to be in people's lives now
Mar 3, 2019
Mar 3, 2019 at 4:10 AM UTC
when you get into a relationship, you both walk through this door
and you seem to be in this room
over time as the relationship develops the room becomes decorated
and maybe if it keeps going, you might end up with a whole house
that's decorated and full and rich with memories and feelings
but
no matter how good that relationship may be
there is always that door
and no matter if you walked through the door, ran, leaped, or was shoved in
your in here and so are they, and even though you both may be happy
there is always the possibility that the other may walk out through it
leaving the house and you behind
and that may be the scariest part of any relationship one deals with
like, nobody wants to think about the person they love just...leaving
but there is always the possibility of that
how scarier could that be?
always having the threat of being left alone in a full house that they being in made home
Feb 23, 2019
Feb 23, 2019 at 11:38 PM UTC