I look for him in wrong places.
Craft his face according to the pieces of what I admire in others.
I don’t know you, yet I already see you.
I have imagined the wonder of your voice, though I hold no idea of you.
Envy, jealousy consumes my heart, when in sight of those who've stolen my painting of love.
What I've created falsely as my love story.
Yet I don't know my love story because it has not been born.
My heart still needs to quieten down and not overplay its role.
It hasn't been called up on stage yet.
I find my mind designing imaginary characters of you, of what you'd say and how you'd act.
It’s become sickening and desperate.
I want none of it, my reality is far from this unclear and unknown fantasy.
I have no control of you yet I feel I already have you.
That tears my heart because I still feel sad and lonely.
I must get acquainted with myself, give myself love and acknowledge my worth.
I've locked my faith neatly in my heart, my hope awakens my heart to each day.
Anticipating the unknown and waiting with bated breath taints the possibility of fully living.
I want this love others speak of, the real love that’s only understood by those sharing it.
The kind that’s spoken through stolen looks in a crowded room, the kind of love that appreciates the others' heartbeat.
That kind that holds high the smiles and encouragement shared, without giving it much effort.
Nov 13, 2024
Nov 13, 2024 at 8:15 AM UTC
May I never grow old and grey, without the euphoria of love.
Life. Love. Living.
Breathing. Grasping at the realities I've created only to be left still wanting.
How is it so, I have no hope.
That with each sun set, I continue to lay my head low.
As the waves bow and my skin wrinkles, I still wonder what is it to love.
Jan 13, 2022
Jan 13, 2022 at 7:04 PM UTC
You got me feeling all sorts of things.
Emotions I struggle to identify.
Loving you seems foolish because you are not here with me.
It seems impossible because I don't see you.
So I wonder how I fell so hard for you when all I have are memories and pictures.
It could be your heart. Your gentleness with slight roughness on the edges. Mystery. Secrets that run deep. You intrigue me.
I wish to see you as I please, to speak with you while getting lost in your beautiful eyes, adorable eyes that captured my heart.
Sometimes it's a bit much... I get frustrated, I have tons of questions and lingering insecurities. I'd wonder if these feelings I have for you are enough...Is there more I should do?
Love is a difficult thing. A sweet task filled with many hurdles. It's painful yet laced with possibility and unspoken strength.
Still, I say, years later, what I feel for you is new to me.
It's like a beating pulse that has my mind thinking of you every minute. Active and alive, and refusing to subside.
I have so many things I want to share with you, see with you and experience with you. Maybe I want more than you can offer.
Expectations can destroy a beautiful thing...but my heart won't nudge. You are mine.
Oct 1, 2018
Oct 1, 2018 at 3:43 AM UTC
I'm not my past.
Nor am I my mistakes. It comforts me to know I can still dream of a better future...need to face up and be honest with they self and acknowledge I need to realign my dreams accurately.
I have a lot to get off my chest and pray God will provide me the platform.
A safe and allowing platform, where the depths of my heart are spoken and not judged.
It's time to believe I'm better than this... the old feelings of yesterday have been left behind.
Is it so hard to get a caring, attentive ear?
That will not just hear me but listen to the soft murmurs of my heart.
Will it end? Will it be 100% okay again or is this my life forever...
Tip-toeing around my weaknesses, hoping I don't slip.
Looking in and not understanding what's going on?
Trying to fit into a safe mould but
my limbs, choked by fear are dangling over the edges.
I get so confused. Confused at the storm in my heart... that actually, just maybe, I don't know what's going on.
What I live, is it what I believe?
Why are the lures to death so appealing but those that give life are an uphill climb?
Why is the grasp of sin so easy to capture but that of freedom requires buckets of tears?
It sometimes feels like I'm watching everything unfold before me, the condition of my heart, the trails of my mind, the extension of my hand.
He is faithful. He is true. He is honest.
I need Him at every turn.
Apr 29, 2018
Apr 29, 2018 at 5:06 AM UTC
It took me a while.
To look over the mountain of hurt you dumped at the doorstep of my heart.
I told myself that day… Never will I allow a person to hurt me the way you did.
I let myself cry for a few hours and never again. It was a pain I never thought a person could ever inflict on me.
It is funny, that I had to think of you today... four years later… and not feel an inch of emotion.
The radical emotions I felt after you dislodged my inner core took me to the pits of unseen places, places I never knew existed.
But here I am. Standing so firm that hearing your name does not move me.
And to think… back then, your smile hypnotized me. Drove me to a love-craze frenzy, the kind kids get when they are given too much sugar. That was me.
Your smile, voice… could make me feel so invincible. So loved. Shame.
The heart is strong. We give it little credit.
We are strong.
Very.
I saw my own strength pull me out of the pits of severe heartache, all caused from loving someone.
Or at least growing to love them.
And you simply had no understanding of how deep in my heart this love went.
One day… Abba Father, I will ask You.
What was going on in this man’s heart and mind. Exactly what was going on?
His words, as sweet as they were, were only digging a deep ditch that he'll one day throw me in.
What I thought was acts of affection was him digging the destruction of my trust.
I sometimes think of him and wonder exactly what went wrong? Where did it all change?
shakingmyhead I carry no hurt or anger… just wonder.
God… how I thank You, for allowing me to cry. With each tear, giving me a gentle pat of comfort.
Words fail me but memories captured even the smell of the black coffee lingering in my room the day you texted me your “decision”.
I even remember how I was chilling on my bed, wondering why you’d been so distant. Little did I know your distance was brewing my devastation.
Now, years later I look at your pictures and not flinch… just stare and wonder what went wrong.
Funny is life, is love and is a man full of empty promises.
That is what I got... empty buckets labelled "Our Future".
Even "our song" doesn't cut me as deep anymore... I still love it anyway.
And so it’s true. People can and will hurt us. More than we can anticipate. But we rise.
And keep rising.
Oct 19, 2017
Oct 19, 2017 at 11:29 AM UTC
The birth of a new love is like...
An explosion of emotions, exposed in the eyes of the beholder.
We hold nothing back as we take in the blossoming potential.
I long to look in your eyes and see my future.
See the beauties that are going to be explored.
We'll live in each other's promises and behold the destiny placed on our lives.
I see the unspeakable things when I vision your heart, held in place by our Creator.
He intricately detailed our future and has made sure we don't miss each other in this life.
How I look forward to holding your hands... examining every detail of who you are.
It's beautiful what love can do.
The unseen parts of your soul will be laid bare as I live the rest of my life loving you.
I promise to love you, through better or worse and promise to treat as the king you are.
Let the waiting not distract me, in this wait my heart is being molded to hold your love only.
And for a few months, I look forward to my belly being home to our offspring, blessings from God beautifully and wonderfully made.
Oct 10, 2017
Oct 10, 2017 at 11:58 AM UTC
The dramatic effect of an eloping love.
Seeing only their back, as if it's no longer going to look into your eyes.
Has experience not taught us anything...like the overused and sometimes ineffective cliches like 'once bitten twice shy.'
Is there really a loophole to squeeze through in order to get to the other side...
To get a peek at the masterpiece God is preparing.
Maybe on this side I'll remain, chew away at my curiosity and wait for my day to come.
Yahweh knows my ever pacing mind... asking Him all the questions the world has carried.
It comes only naturally when life is such an intricate, delicate and equally complex miracle.
I wonder if the un-resting God we serve ever has a chuckle at some of the thoughts we create.
Yes create, when we are least aware, the mind is churning and turning and creating dimensions and worlds of its own.
When we become, the world either implodes or expands or explodes.... thus birthing our realities.
Circumstances differ yet the mind holds incredible power...
So....where to from here....start again or keep going.
Reboot, refurnish or refuse. At some point that becomes a thorn in our side.
The mind shackling us to what was never meant to be our burden...is life really meant to be punishment?
Could this deity really be so unconcerned by our well being?
Apr 19, 2017
Apr 19, 2017 at 5:23 AM UTC
I have yet to see the full wonder of God.
Like a big, colourful butterfly... with each flap of its wings a new colour is revealed.
I'm amazed and in awe. Words fail to capture what rests in my heart.
With every thought, my heart smiles and swells with excitement.
To know that this God I hear about... knows me loves me and created me.
Me. Thandi. Weird and awkward... He still sees me and calls for me. Pursues me and astonishes me with His mystery.
I'm amazed that I am His child and that He actually wants the best for me.
Where have I been this entire time... away from this truth?
Where have I been looking, what have I been searching for because I'm overwhelmed by this truth.
It has grabbed my heart and captured my spirit... to remember exactly who Jesus is and what He did for me.
What the scriptures say resound the heart of Jesus and I'm so excited to know Him.
I am too happy to know Jesus.
I can't believe I could've missed this unspeakable joy. This freedom, this victory.
What have I been looking for? A genie in a box, a saviour chilling at a street corner, a make-believe god who is powerless?
What have been waiting for, hoping in, praying for?
Now I see, now I know... there is no other place my soul would rather be.
Nothing the world gives compares to this.
Apr 19, 2017
Apr 19, 2017 at 4:59 AM UTC
It is at that moment of a crumbling ideology, you face the hardest of questions, questions that won't shake off until sufficient answers are given.
How it happens that when you get refined for a better life it has to hurt so much and even lead to questioning the significance of existence.
They often say celebrate the time in the valley as you celebrated the time on the hill...
The valley happens to be growling with wolves who can not stand the sound of rejoicing and are ready to pounce and devour their enemy.
These thoughts are from a hazy place, one that has no clear vision of its direction. The heart...however knows this too will pass, it's in the waiting for the pass that you grow weary and extremely sad.
You feel you can't stand yourself and reserve all opinion on sin because you have been swimming in it.
Putting up with a double-life in order to remain sane....but the former ways still reside in the finger tips of the sinner.
Appetizing at first but only to scar the very fiber of normality you tried to uphold.
Is it okay to say it is really tiresome... To smile when you actually feel like frowning, to laugh when you just want to cry till life stopped...
I just read somewhere "It's not easy, but it is simple. You have to trust God, no matter what you may face."
When I read it I felt the heaviness of what life can be - either beautiful or ugly, trip me. Literally trip me over my current issues and challenges. Falling hard on the fact that I need God, whether I want Him or not...
When I think of the many hardships people are facing in this world, I realise I am wimping for nothing...when mine are minute theirs are gigantic.
But whatif...just whatif even my minute issues cause me gigantic heartache...heartache that feels like my life is being lived by someone else...someone that I actually don't even like.
Heartache that leaves wanting to cradle in God's arms forever, to never have to face the failures and bad choices of my life.
To not have to see my ugly self in the eyes of a reformed me. They are in constant conflict with each other and remain in their separate worlds despite the freedom offered by Jesus.
It is the strangest thing...looking at yourself through a third pair of eyes. They see you. See your messed up behaviour and see you as you fall deeper into the trap of sin.
They see when you happy and worshiping on the hill. When nothing can knock you over and everything you touch turns to gold.
Both times I suppose, you were being prepared for that place which has been in your dreams and has been your vision all these years.
To get there clearly isn't easy. Probably was never meant to be. Some days are better then others, while for the most part, most days really involve going through the motion.
I can't wait to be loved, cared for and sinking in the truth of being appreciated.
Suppose I can be thankful. I am blessed. I am grateful. I am loved.
Just some days it feels like it is all going to fall apart, like the rug has been pulled under my feet.
As I solider on, I thank my Maker for the gift of writing...as it always helps me make sense of this jungle I call life.
Jun 8, 2016
Jun 8, 2016 at 10:58 AM UTC
When I saw you...the room illuminated.
Wierd.
When I heard you speak....my heart jumped.
Strange.
Every time I see you...the butterflies in my stomach go frantic.
This isn't normal...it is crazy because it doesn't make sense.
Who are you to invade my mind, my heart, my imagination.
Day dream...only to come back to reality of you far from me.
What is it that captured me?
What difference could you bring into my life, maybe I don't need it.
Yes I don't need it, didn't get this far to only walk backwards.
The power of the tongue is extraordinary...holds the signals to your next step.
And at this point...I will choose my words wisely. Conceive thoughts that will bear fruit and not throw back in my face yester - year's harvest.
But...how good it is to have my senses back,
Nearly lost them in the whirlwind of a masked enemy.
Feet are back on solid ground and mind is clear.
Cluttered again with the everyday routine.
Seeing you now...The room is back to its normal lighting.
When I hear you speak, my heart beats like any other time...
And the butterflies that went frantic when I saw you have actually flown away, leaving this place vacant.
Weird.
May 9, 2016
May 9, 2016 at 3:30 PM UTC