DemonIn school, they never really teach you what to do when a demon taps on your shoulder, leaving a stain on your favourite shirt that only gets bigger. They don’t teach you that he’ll have sharp teeth and no tongue, his body transparent and his mind a highway in LA during rush hour. They don’t talk about how the stain he left on your shirt will somehow seep in between your skull and your brain. At first, it isn’t that bad. Nobody warns you that he will be able to place parts of himself in between your ribs, twisting and squeezing until you go to wail of pain, but nothing comes out. Nobody warns you that nobody can see the weights he is placing on your shoulders. / Soon, he will be under your pillow, and when you place your head down he whispers everything you hate to hear into your ears and makes it too loud to sleep. Soon, he will be there physically. He is the bags under your eyes; he is the bones sticking out of your back due to weight loss, because he tells you not to eat. Your doctor will give you medication. But it will only put him to sleep. He is always there. / Do not let him win. You are bigger than him. You have life. You can go to concerts and feel how the bass replaces your pulse, you can feel the sun warm the back of your neck, and you have the ability to create life. You can create anything you want to. There is no such thing as bad art. Let your emotions out. Scream at him to leave you alone, to go away; and soon, he will. Your ribs will be ribs and those weights on your shoulders will be gone. The stain he left on your favourite shirt will no longer be there, and you will be alive again.
Journal 1Sometimes all it takes is one word. One word to completely inspire paragraphs of poems, letters, journal entries. Most times, though, take much more than that. It takes a proper environment. That's one of the reasons why I've changed up my room. There is now a stack of books on my desk, then all of my film cameras. On my window I placed mason jars, a clock, rocks from the beach and tiny candles. I took down my curtains to let in more light. I'm going to push myself to be happier, more positive. Good things are coming and I can feel it. It's autumn and the air is getting more crisp and my sweaters are breaking out again. I just passed one year of being clean from self harm. Now, I'm going to stop skipping meals. I know I can do it. I'm going to stop hating the scar on my forehead from third grade chicken pox. I'm going to love every stretch mark my doctor told me was caused by rapid weight loss, every scar I inflicted on myself, and every bone that pops out of my body (especially my back). The veins that are visible in my wrists and the back of my hands are going to get more love, too. The way they move when I write a poem, inspires me to love myself. Not in an arrogant way, but just to be at peace with my appearance. No more painting my nails black, either. I will dance in my room when I want to, jump on my bed, spin in circles, cry, laugh, scream, when it feels right. I am going to love the 12:08 mood swings and the sudden gush of new vocabulary I need to memorize for my poems. I am going to work hard and put my soul into everything I do. I am going to start making art. I am going to buy more cameras, nicer clothes. Clothes that show who I am. No clothes to hide what I hate on my body. I will love the fact that in the middle of the night, my duvet is my best friend. I will love with all of my heart that maybe it's naive, but I have so much hope for the future. Everything will be okay.