tearani-c
My purpose is to discover one. I am a writer a sister, soul searcher , shadow chaser. I am A composition of scars and broken hearts smeared to rainbows on my stolen canvas. I have fallen and risen , ate and been eaten. I am a swimmer in the unexplored depths of love, the forever kind. I suppose I am a kind of negative space where my enigmatic awe inspiring confident self used to habitate. I often ponder the thought" perhaps the fact that the dream exists is an indication of its possibilities." like a child over candy. I believe knowing people out of context of there daily life is the only shot you have at who someone has become. Love is the only truth with a shot at happiness and all lies die in mass suicides. I'm undesirably complex, there's just a lot of me to look over. I am , plain and simple so there is nothing grander than my potential. I write because i love it, at times i needed it, it has always called to me. I bury old scars under lined paper and pen ink.
Falling in love is easy
Apparently I am inherently designed
To fall with my head over my heels.
It has been said I fall
Gracefully
I fell in love with deep confessions
And soft whispered conversations
That painted the inside of my mind and
Interior of your truck
And filled our favorite parking spaces
beyond capacity
Then things got interesting
Because when
We explored each other
we did it safely
Comparing every metaphorical scar
And the depths of our tenacity.
Exploring the carnage that existence in this world
inevitably leaves behind
We changed each other’s minds
We sought each other’s faces in the same urgency
We fled from our fears.
For years
You showed me it is possible to lend the ones you love a little space
While denying them distance.
You are a persistence I aspire to.
While you listened I found a lot of things
In those beautiful brown eyes.
Some things I can’t explain
Some designed
to change the way I conceive my name ,
Made in innocence and in complete sincerity
To make me find a bit of clarity
on what I’m worth
And what I deserve
I was falling
And you called with arms open
Speaking patience through your somber eyes
Suddenly soft spoken,
In all these years you refused to let circumstance
change what we had always been,
It was in the claim of best friend
And the way you never flinched
At my weakness never scoffed at my fears even when we both know
They were always so different from yours.
It emerged slowly,
As I fit under your arm,
Under your palm when you wiped my tears
In quivering voices in urgent phone calls,
In the constant rebuilding
When I was lost you refused to lose me
Surly this should cost me something,
But it continued to cost me nothing,
You confessed I pay you in my smiles
You made me think I was beautiful
Because you complete me..
And I have never seen something
as astounding and breathtaking as your face
I could trace it all day
My handsome man
stay
My very best friend
You so often lend me your sanity
Even when your disappointed
Even when you are mad at me.
I promise I will always try with all I have to offer
To give you what you have given me.
Even when you falter
even when your whispering
"Tearani I've lost me."
just know your home
and I'll never leave you falling.
Aug 8, 2014
Aug 8, 2014 at 12:12 AM UTC
There’s no need to cut me open,
Sit still for just a moment
and I will show you my scars,
If you want to see them,
You can compare them to yours,
Our stories
Are very different
And I’m not going to pretend like to know me
You have to always be my friend,
Take me for whatever it is you wanted to
and
Stay as long as you wish
And leave when you don’t.
Show me what you want to let me know
And see what I have to say
Don’t give me empty promise
Do not promise me you’ll stay.
And I will learn something of you and
Find something in myself,
Maybe even something I couldn’t find in anybody else
And I will be grateful
But I will miss you when you’re gone
And soon enough another lonely
Will finally come along
And look at me and see themselves.
And I will say quickly before they cut me with there tongue…
There’s no need to cut me open,
Sit still for just a moment
and I will show you my scars,
If you want to see them,
You can compare them to yours,
Our stories
Are very different
And still very much the same,
If you question if you’re crazy
That’s a sign that your still sane.
Are you looking for validation?
Are you looking for the truth?
Are you looking for a person
To guide you on the way,
Are you looking for a promise
that someone here will stay?
Are you even asking questions or
are you just floating along
Blaming your surroundings
For the things that go all wrong?
I would like to know the answers
To all the questions I can ask
And of the ones you’ll answer
Ill paint the pictures of my future,
And Ill illuminate my past.
And in this grand adventure
I’ll make your answers last.
So just know
There’s no need to cut me open,
Sit still for just a moment
and I will show you my scars,
If you want to see them,
You can compare them to yours,
Our stories
Are very different
But we are all the same
We just call our daemons
Very different things
And know in our disclosure
Ill never say a name.
Jun 4, 2014
Jun 4, 2014 at 4:04 PM UTC
When I met you,
your tiny face was peaking from the side of the grand bus seats that towered over us.
Hiding in a row of castles.
Your brown eyes telling of the smile hiding behind the tinny knuckles of your gripping fingers.
Instantly sizing me up
like you thought you were taller than me.
I just wanted to know your name,
We were best friends in ten minutes
I felt I had always known you.
We were all so young that you my sister and me all sat together
in the same seat.
That seems like it was so long ago.
The first time I left you I was the fourth grade.
We had a whole collective of other friends we had made.
But you were always the best
Because you never cared about your dress or your hair
Just like me.
And I knew you were afraid of slugs
And I never told anyone ,
not a single one
Of our secrets because they were only our own..
For years you were the only best friend
I was lucky to know.
And when I returned you held on to me
exactly like you had never let go,
In high school boys came and went
And I would sit while you cried and tell you all the reasons I loved you,
And sometimes you did that too.
And somewhere along the line
You cut me out.
A few years have past and I still don’t know why ,
I still think of you and yeah, I cry.
But I hope you found yourself.
I hope that understand and,
I hope you smile often
As often as you can,
I hope your pain subsides
And you think of me fondly, honestly
I will never understand.
But I think that that’s ok.
All good things come to an end
they say.
I guess I never believed....
I just couldn't comprehend
..a time...
when
I couldn't call you
my
very
best
friend.
And I miss you.
Jun 4, 2014
Jun 4, 2014 at 3:21 PM UTC
we need to build better bridges,
the floods are coming soon,
and sometimes my heart feels empty echoing and doomed,
but lately iv been full with this ache and temptation
to whisper into your lovely ear my hopes for our creation.
listen
I am broken,
I have fallen over sentences I swear I have misspoken
I am a poet tied to a vocabulary dying of deprivation
no i have lived that pain, this must be crucifixion,
my faith in everything was shaking
and now i'm sorting through this rubble thinking...
perhaps this will be my resurrection
this will be my reawakening.
there is a need for me to see,
perhaps a need to remain humbled.
to relearn to juggle knives
just un-jumble.
And grapple with my life so I can comprehend the meaning
Of just breathing
and stop and see me,
For what I am for what I’m being,
For what I say for what you’re seeing and I’m sorry
I’m cut, I’m broken , I’m bleeding, I’m lost misleading
I'm caught red handed freeing all the daemons
I’ve been meaning to deal with,
they spit and spin and grin at this brokenness
I wear
Like my own skin
Covered at the hopes of staying warm but only managing to create a line
Of what’s out there and what’s within,
To thin to keep things straight
I hate feeling this way,
But I love living these things,
And Your pain pains me and
I stay up late thinking you free me, you need me and
Maybe…
Just maybe, simply we are.
And that simplicity has meaning
You are all I could ever want or ask or need to start believing.
I see that we are flying on struggling wings
In violent winds and your hand and my hand
Reach for similar things ..
And I love you I just wanted to say
When I’m broken I just want you to stay,
When I’m sinking…
I’m only thinking of pain
And when I’m with you
You’re the very first ray
Breaking horizon and giving life to new day,
You are second chances and hope,
You are ******* up and inconceivable pain
You are the ticket to knowing I’m alive every day.
Sometimes I cringe
Sometimes I’m wrapped in my own pain and I do things
Dressed as A devil in red,
From your heart Ill break open when the dark sets in,
From the lashes I've spoken with sharp words against soft skin
Quipped to quickly and singed in un-intention
filled with regret.
But we have this whole life to live and its time that we set
Ourselves against the lies we tell
about happiness and pain,
How closely there related and how everything’s the same.
I’m killing expectations leaving them to drown
In the waves of anxious teardrops you leave falling to the ground
So I can tell you from my knees
In hushed tones aimed to feel like desperate please
You will hurt me,
And more than anything I apologize for what falling in love really means.
For the depths of the hurt that will come from these things.
And that you’re welcome for every night I’ll keep you warm,
For all the safety you will gain in the harbor of my arms,
I’m sorry for being overwhelming so much more than we can comprehend
And that more than absolutely everything I love that you’re my friend.
I know I **** the plan up.
I know we have both been lost
I’m sorry that truly loving always comes at such a cost.
But I know that we are worth it if I know nothing else.
You make me feel proud on the days I manage
To love you even more than I can even love myself
Because you deserve to know those things
You deserve to know you count.
You deserve to know I’m sorry because I know I’ll let you down.
You ought to realize I've chosen you to be the one to stay
So I can give you all I’m worth
on the rays of brand new days
And that sometimes when I’m holding you
it makes me want to pray.
Jan 16, 2014
Jan 16, 2014 at 10:14 PM UTC
I was lurking in the darkness
Surround in my abandon
Picking at my scars
contemplating life’s abandonment's
perplexed in Gods damning
and my sharp surroundings closing my eyes against
My internal turmoil
set against the existing struggles
Trying to forget to breath,
Listening to the whispers you start to hear
When everybody leaves.
Crunching dried leaves under
My lost feet and pondering
How I became bare like
Fall’s trees and empty
Like the vast space below dimming stars
And wishing I could be brave again
And dare to dream
Or discover something new
Or belive in anything
Bigger than my own pain.
And then you stepped between greedy branches
Clinging to your shirt
Caressing that shoulder
I have been so known to weep against
You told me
You loved me and I've always known you know me best
There were warm embraces and
A place for weary soul to lean against
You said I had come far enough you’d carry me the rest
And that best friends ought walk together at least
And be in love together at best.
Dec 22, 2013
Dec 22, 2013 at 7:48 PM UTC
We look at mirrors he says
We watch our own expressions
Play in the reflections of their eyes
Measure our feeling in anothers reciprocation
Desperation in the realization
You feel pain well under your skin,
You experience ache and temptation
Differently
You think
Pensively
You introspect conceding
The distance between your being and
The things you see playing on the face in front of you
Maybe
The same
No,
You blame them,
You blame everything
on yourself.
You just want the one moment when
Humanity can exist in cohesion
And you can realize yourself
And everyone will see it.
And for once you will see them.
The same.
Dec 18, 2013
Dec 18, 2013 at 12:59 AM UTC
I broke away, suddenly and on unsure wings
I stepped forward swiftly into darkness
Giving chase to brighter things
And even I can say that faith is a beautiful thing
Even if I don’t possess faith in the typical things.
Even if it is only a faith in the fragile space
That exist between our heartbeats
Where quiet locks are kept
And keys are exchanged ,
Where lovers each learn
To pronounce
another name.
I have been broken down by numbers
And the harsh realities time has uncovered
Things that remind you, That fragile things die
Like butterflies lose wings
to vindictive trees
I have been stolen,
And I have been lost,
Bound in life’s ties,
I have failed under different eyes
But I’m divorcing self hate
For a real chance at our
first real date
And let me make this clear,
my love, my friend, my dear
it is faith in the parts of you I will never see
in the layers of love
transending your physical touch
that evades any tie to the end of my pen,
in the reverberating sound of your name in my brain
that I found this thing
that makes me brave
that keeps me sane
And it is in these things I found my faith
And it is faith that makes me believe in improbable things
I broke away, suddenly and on unsure wings
I stepped forward swiftly into darkness
Giving chase to brighter things
And even I can say that this faith is a beautiful thing
Even if It is not faith in the typical things.
Even if its faith in the fragile space
Between our pain
Where we share the stories of which we are made
Collaborative artists, stenciling words to fresh page ,
Where lovers each learn
To pronounce
another’s name.
I have faith that your eyes and
“I love you” both say the same thing.
Nov 22, 2013
Nov 22, 2013 at 11:29 PM UTC
If we were two books who happened to cross covers
Or over lap tittles,
In a momentary lack of structure
You would find us stacked back to back
As unlikely as a tragedy with star struck lovers..
Happened upon the other
in a library archiving
Written word and lives, and eons worth of soft
Text typed,
I would be a book of Russian poems
Roughly speaking of beautiful things,
With a bare textured cover, a soft sea foam green.
And you would be lost in the meaning,
In the reflections of your wealth
I would give you all the answers you hide inside your self,
You would be of another breed,
Your italic headings speaking of vastly different things,
You would show a thousand places I wish to know,
With a hundred hand drawn maps
Filled to the indentation with
realities greater than my own imagination
with pictures
That capture you, whisper liberation,
You would be the inspiration every trapped
lower class individual looks upon while dreaming up
Vacation homes.
You are the window to the places everyone
Everyone wants to know
Your pages crisp but warm, smelling of vanilla
Not a single scuff, crease, you are not torn.
A soft Carmel brown cover where
A hundred careful fingers hover.
You are probably thinking we don’t belong together.
Not in a library alphabetized and
Split into sections,
Good thing great librarians
Know better, she
Stole us and set us together in her own
Private collection.
There is no where I fit better than
Next to you, pressed cover to cover,
we are becoming a story of
unlikely lovers,
We are best friends,
Penned from different ink
Speaking different themes
meeting
Resting between book ends designed
Out of clever minds set out to
To fuzz the line between actuality
And your aspiration,
We are just the perfect combination of
Drive and a dream,
The fact you are here means something
And the more I read the more it seems
Together we'll achieve great things.
Oct 23, 2013
Oct 23, 2013 at 5:52 PM UTC
You are the counterbalance to my mischievous soul.
Providing direction to a wounder-er unsure of where she'll go.
You have become countless breath taking destinations;
Appealing to my wanderlust
pulling from my weary soul
a trust
I would hesitate to think existed,
your presence and persistence
are exceptional,
my perceptions shifted.
Your grin is a force to be reckoned with.
I gave you my will and you bent it.
I gave you my good sense
and you spent it.
Admit it,
you admire my wit,
even when driven to wits end,
we co-exist in perfect contradiction
amending every bit I'm missing.
And when when I whispered we were meant to be,
I meant it.
Oct 20, 2013
Oct 20, 2013 at 7:58 PM UTC
Its been awhile I think
Sense ink dried un-smeared across
My skin , a page, or anything
To think it leaves me dismayed and I’m ashamed
To ponder what I left caged
What I don’t say and I think
I’ve become the type to leave dark things
Behind heavy drapes in my mind
Nothing escapes this mask
The task is to see the shallow echo in my eyes
And that’s
Simply more than I have right to ask
So know
I’m sorry for my silence
But it’s building violence, escalating in my
Quivering soul and
Soon enough
I’ll explode.
And I know
you will help me glue
the splinters back together
you are a soft coo
Love of mine,
A foothold
You make me hopeful
After I unwind I think
I’ll fall into the sunshine
And try on a smile.
Oct 13, 2013
Oct 13, 2013 at 1:54 PM UTC