Bruised,
Battered,
Mind scattered,
Clothes tattered,
I dust myself off
And tell myself "I’m okay.”
“I can overcome the pain”
"HELP WANTED!"
Not me
I don’t want to bother or worry anyone
So I cling to bed and find solace in my dreams
I’m awake in a daze
Staring at the ceiling for a half an hour
I pull myself together and get in the shower
Thinking
Thinking
Thinking
Thinking some more
About all of yesterday’s regrets before I walk out the door
Shots
Shots
Shots
Shots to my face
Anything I can do to lessen the pain
Drunk sadnesses
But hey, “it’s college and that’s what everyone does”
So I keep going
I keep trekking on
Lying to myself
That it will be better tomorrow
Tomorrow is here...
And I’m still tattered
Sick
Worn down
My hearts’ shattered.
But I keep going
I keep stumbling through the crowd.
Oct 16, 2017
Oct 16, 2017 at 8:58 PM UTC
Underneath my smile and work effort, I am lost.
I am broken.
I am restricted.
I am soft spoken,
Unheard
When I try to express my feelings about something I love or hate
I am ridiculed
I am yelled at
I do everything I can to please others, but I get no appreciation and love
in return
I feel I am a worthless person
I feel I am stupid and uncool
I am used, then thrown away
Activists, artists, actors, singers, poets, slaves, soldiers are not recognized until they're dead
That's why we have history books
To tell the story of others, who had no voice
Even those who tried to speak up and were silenced
I wondered if I died, would anyone notice?
My mother would miss me, but that is all.
No one can possibly love me as unconditionally as my mother.
Other than having her in my life
I am alone.
I think about ending my life everyday.
I am not a violent person, but I want to end the pain.
Then I think about my father, who died by suicide
I was so angry with him when he did it, but now I truly get it
I truly know how it feels for your chest to hurt,
for your pillow to be wet with tears from sleepless nights, where all you did was cry
and to have no motivation, no drive
There is no end goal Nothing to look forward to
I wish he knew how much I love him and how much I miss him
I wish he knew that I understand his pain
He is the past tense and I am today
Living, but not thriving
Dreading the nights
When I'm in the darkness and alone
I usually can't sleep, but when I do,
I am truly at peace
When morning comes
The sun shines through the window
I am relived
I go about my day, my routine
Every night I feel a grave sadness
The cycle repeats
I am
Love
Light
I go through life unacknowledged, unrecognized
I am the flickering candle
about to burn out,
about to **** the flame,
about to die
Oct 15, 2017
Oct 15, 2017 at 9:01 PM UTC
Day 7872 of my existence
I tried to end it all, but the
knife was not in reach and the scissors were much too dull
Regressed into my depression
No savior in sight
No organized religion will help me see the light
I'm convinced it is my fate to go blissfully in the night
Ignorance is bliss, but the wise are always jaded
they see how cold the world is and how you're never appreciated
You're on your own, alone, in the darkness, in the sorrow
You pay a person to listen to your problems, so you'll get through the day and hopefully make it until tomorrow
Nothing is ever free,
not even love from your family
It always comes with a price or a condition
A vulnerable, worn down person
To be used and abused is my norm
Listening to the rain, I identify with the storm
I feel it's aguish and its thirst to be heard, to have a voice
The calming effect that emerges afterwards is not resolution, but conceding to the fight
To lose that endless battle, that I won't come out of alive
Apr 25, 2017
Apr 25, 2017 at 5:53 PM UTC
Obsession followed by jealousy and possession,
masked as love
Manipulation and deceit
Lying through your ******* teeth
Hateful words and aggression followed by violent outbursts, and
the sound of your fist going through the wall
Always rationalizing your bad behavior
or blaming me
Isolation and Oppression
Prodding and stalking, prodding and stalking
Control,
You stole
my life away
But I settled for
Walking on eggshells so as not to disturb
Hiding my views so as not to provoke
Trying to fit into your perfect mold
I thought our shapes would tessellate, but I was blinded by the misconception of your alleged love for me
Jul 11, 2016
Jul 11, 2016 at 5:23 PM UTC
You found me laying in a pool of white sheets
Your breath feels like a warm sea breeze
You woke me with a gentle kiss
The tip of your tongue cresses my lips
Your fingers trace the contours of body
Your presence consumes me
I feel free
I grow hotter from your touch
It's not enough
Breathe into me
I want you with every fiber of my being.
Jan 26, 2016
Jan 26, 2016 at 12:30 AM UTC
How does it feel to be invincible?
To never be ill
To be immortal
How does it feel to be perfect?
To have great looks
To be intelligent and have an unlimited amount of friends
How does it feel to be admired by a large groups of people who don't know you personally?
To feel desired by many
To have a sense of self entitlement
How does it feel to be loved infinitely?
To be wanted
To be needed
To be adored, deeply
How does it feel to have accomplished everything in life?
To know you were a good brother, sister, mother, father, husband, or wife.
I wish I knew.
Jan 18, 2016
Jan 18, 2016 at 3:06 AM UTC
Insecurity
In a world full of ugliness, lies, and deceit.
From my mother's mouth "I hate you." "You're the devil." "You're flat chested.""You're a whore.""You're fat."
From the beautiful, voluptuous, intelligent girls, I compare myself to
From my ex-boyfriends, who made jokes about my body
I'll never be good enough, because society has a distorted view of how we should look, act, think, and feel.
Social media has plagued our minds with irrelevant garbage and has provided a stage for public degradation.
We are victims to its unexplainable gander.
With such a heavy influence on appearance, people everywhere are striving to look like celebrities.
With the promotion of insecurity, loving yourself is one of the hardest challenges to conquer.
Telling yourself "I'm worthy," is inconceivable.
We consume ourselves with obsessions, making confidence unachievable.
It's an endless cycle of demeaning others to make ourselves feel adequate.
We can also choose to cope with self harm or suicide.
The utterance, "No one can save you, but yourself."
Very few people reap positivity.
Very few people will encourage you.
Dehumanizing you
Humiliating you
Degrading you
Try not to feel angry,
Try not to feel depressed.
Maybe one day we'll overcome this, but self-loathing is what we do best.
Aug 6, 2015
Aug 6, 2015 at 1:01 PM UTC
I am laying in a pasture of tall grass and wild flowers
There you are, another dreamer, lying beside me
Soon after, I lay enveloped in your arms
We watch the majestic animals grazing and the ever illuminating stars
Mesmerized with the vibrant colors in your eyes
You stare into mine before you kiss me
I am so alive, as if I've been revived
By the alluring beauty of this bliss
Unfortunately, it has gone amiss
I have awoken from this serenity that only exists in my dreams.
Aug 4, 2015
Aug 4, 2015 at 3:17 PM UTC
Something's missing
Some sort of void that can not be filled
What's wrong?
What's bothering me?
It's you, daddy
I miss you
Your laugh
Your warm embrace
Your smiling face
The language you created that few can understand
Your heart of gold
The many memories that I hoped would never end
It is no more
You promised you would never leave me
But you're gone
Nothing remains
Except me,
A carbon copy of you
Come back
Why did you go?
I'm so alone
Something is missing,
That something is you
There is apart of me that is so empty
I'm just a shell of a human being.
Jun 21, 2015
Jun 21, 2015 at 2:08 PM UTC
Tell me I'm beautiful
Tell me I'm smart
Tell me I have a good heart
Deceive me
Make me believe you want me
Make me feel worthy
Make me feel loved
Understand me
Pretend to listen
Pretend to empathize
Pretend to be my friend
Tell me some more ********
May 28, 2015
May 28, 2015 at 3:48 PM UTC