tark-wain - Hello Poetry

At a certain point in my life I realized I would never be whole So I tried to find somebody beautiful in the ways I was not And then I clung to her and prayed That we filled in the cracks the other left

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Nov 18, 2024

Nov 18, 2024 at 12:19 AM UTC

Cement

At a certain point in my life I realized I would never be whole So I tried to find somebody beautiful in the ways I was not And then I clung to her and prayed That we filled in the cracks the other left

4

We lost you 10 days ago. On the first day I had just gotten my old job back I walked into the main office And told everyone how nice it was to see them again Then I went back into my office And heard you had passed I flew home that night On the second day I tried to rest, recover the sleep I had missed on the first I couldn’t My family wanted to go out to eat I told them I couldn’t leave my room On the third day I got to see the friends we grew up with Some I hadn’t seen in five years We sat at a table for four I kept looking to the open space to my right expecting to see you in a chair On the fourth day I bought a suit for your funeral It had been so long that none i owned fit me You would’ve thought I looked nice You would have told me that On the fifth day I spent a night in your apartment Surrounded by people that loved you Some that loved me I stood in your room and lingered Our close friend saw me We held each other and he showed me all the things in your room you had taken from him I told him about an orange shirt you had taken from me because it was too large We pulled out an orange shirt from a pile, thinking we had found it It was a different shirt On the sixth day I got to see your face for the last time I focused on your hands because they looked how I remembered I got to see you be put in the ground I got to see my first love there We hadn’t spoken in years She told me she was married I told her that was nice to hear I spoke to your father, he had to be reminded of who I was He hadn’t seen me since I was 8 But once he remembered We spoke and we laughed I spoke to your mother I thanked her for moving to our town, I thanked her for you I told her about all the good you brought to my life She said I did the same for you I cried that day and every day prior On the seventh day I bought a flight back to Los Angeles for that night I spent Mother’s Day with my family I ate bad Greek food We had to pull over next to a Wawa for me to use the restroom I took the flight home Normally I would have called a taxi but I asked my roommate to pick me up You had introduced me to him He used to sublet your room in our old apartment I told him about the last seven days I didn’t cry once On the eighth day I returned to work Back for good I told them I told my boss I ordered shakshuka for lunch because it was the last thing I ate with you She said she was considering the chopped salad On the ninth day Most of the same things happened I spoke to the close friend who was still grieving in New York I told him things would improve once he left the city I saw my girlfriend who is recovering from a torn acl She’s prescribed medication to help with her pain I couldn’t stop asking her why I didn’t feel worse On the Tenth day I made a mistake at work One that will likely never rear its ugly head It’s the worse i’ve felt in 4 days Sometimes I wish I could live in the pain I felt when I lost you There nothing could hurt me There nothing could be worse You are gone and each day that passes you will be gone a little longer And each day I will feel a little better And I worry I may hate myself for that

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May 17, 2023

May 17, 2023 at 9:23 PM UTC

why isn’t this Harder?

We lost you 10 days ago. On the first day I had just gotten my old job back I walked into the main office And told everyone how nice it was to see them again Then I went back into my office And heard you had passed I flew home that night On the second day I tried to rest, recover the sleep I had missed on the first I couldn’t My family wanted to go out to eat I told them I couldn’t leave my room On the third day I got to see the friends we grew up with Some I hadn’t seen in five years We sat at a table for four I kept looking to the open space to my right expecting to see you in a chair On the fourth day I bought a suit for your funeral It had been so long that none i owned fit me You would’ve thought I looked nice You would have told me that On the fifth day I spent a night in your apartment Surrounded by people that loved you Some that loved me I stood in your room and lingered Our close friend saw me We held each other and he showed me all the things in your room you had taken from him I told him about an orange shirt you had taken from me because it was too large We pulled out an orange shirt from a pile, thinking we had found it It was a different shirt On the sixth day I got to see your face for the last time I focused on your hands because they looked how I remembered I got to see you be put in the ground I got to see my first love there We hadn’t spoken in years She told me she was married I told her that was nice to hear I spoke to your father, he had to be reminded of who I was He hadn’t seen me since I was 8 But once he remembered We spoke and we laughed I spoke to your mother I thanked her for moving to our town, I thanked her for you I told her about all the good you brought to my life She said I did the same for you I cried that day and every day prior On the seventh day I bought a flight back to Los Angeles for that night I spent Mother’s Day with my family I ate bad Greek food We had to pull over next to a Wawa for me to use the restroom I took the flight home Normally I would have called a taxi but I asked my roommate to pick me up You had introduced me to him He used to sublet your room in our old apartment I told him about the last seven days I didn’t cry once On the eighth day I returned to work Back for good I told them I told my boss I ordered shakshuka for lunch because it was the last thing I ate with you She said she was considering the chopped salad On the ninth day Most of the same things happened I spoke to the close friend who was still grieving in New York I told him things would improve once he left the city I saw my girlfriend who is recovering from a torn acl She’s prescribed medication to help with her pain I couldn’t stop asking her why I didn’t feel worse On the Tenth day I made a mistake at work One that will likely never rear its ugly head It’s the worse i’ve felt in 4 days Sometimes I wish I could live in the pain I felt when I lost you There nothing could hurt me There nothing could be worse You are gone and each day that passes you will be gone a little longer And each day I will feel a little better And I worry I may hate myself for that

83

We sit beside each other, staring out at the same moon You motion to leave as I hide the truth, which is I'm still trying to hold onto this I feel each grain of sand between my toes I'm nostalgic for a moment I'm still in Yes, I know I'm rambling I'd talk til' I am out breath Still. A moment under the stars can't erase years of bitterness I Wish it hadn't come to this I wish I hadn't had to choose between losing me or losing you but as long as we're here Can we stay a little longer?

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Jan 5, 2021

Jan 5, 2021 at 2:19 PM UTC

But Can We Stay A Little Longer

We sit beside each other, staring out at the same moon You motion to leave as I hide the truth, which is I'm still trying to hold onto this I feel each grain of sand between my toes I'm nostalgic for a moment I'm still in Yes, I know I'm rambling I'd talk til' I am out breath Still. A moment under the stars can't erase years of bitterness I Wish it hadn't come to this I wish I hadn't had to choose between losing me or losing you but as long as we're here Can we stay a little longer?

17

How did you get here? I drove, don’t really see how that’s relevant. That’s not what I mean. I mean what led you to come in here today? I was thinking about Balloons. Balloons? Yes. Would you like to expand on that. Should I? Sorry, I’m new to this… Feel free to. Ok. Balloons. I was thinking about how you never see a balloon in a bad place. Whether it’s a birthday or a celebration or whatever, if there are balloons around people are happy. They’re fun too, you can knock them around in the air, or **** in the helium and your voice gets all funny. But I uh was thinking about how they’ve come to sort of symbolize happiness for us. Like they’re just bits of latex and nylon filled with helium or air, nothing special. Why not lamps? Or wine glasses, or some other inanimate object. But no we settled on balloons and somehow everyone agreed that if balloons are around you should be smiling. So I guess sort of the inverse is true, like if you’re around a bunch of balloons and you’re not happy you must really be depressed. So I’m standing there at my niece’s third birthday and she’s a great kid by the way, really ******* smart too in a way that you just know she’s gonna be something some day. So I’m standing there ya know surrounded by balloons and my wonderful niece and I’m ******* miserable, like I’m telling you I wanted to ******* blow my brains out. And I’m thinking, **** I should probably go to therapy. Does that answer the question? Yes. yes it does.

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Apr 28, 2020

Apr 28, 2020 at 3:42 AM UTC

How did you get here?

How did you get here? I drove, don’t really see how that’s relevant. That’s not what I mean. I mean what led you to come in here today? I was thinking about Balloons. Balloons? Yes. Would you like to expand on that. Should I? Sorry, I’m new to this… Feel free to. Ok. Balloons. I was thinking about how you never see a balloon in a bad place. Whether it’s a birthday or a celebration or whatever, if there are balloons around people are happy. They’re fun too, you can knock them around in the air, or **** in the helium and your voice gets all funny. But I uh was thinking about how they’ve come to sort of symbolize happiness for us. Like they’re just bits of latex and nylon filled with helium or air, nothing special. Why not lamps? Or wine glasses, or some other inanimate object. But no we settled on balloons and somehow everyone agreed that if balloons are around you should be smiling. So I guess sort of the inverse is true, like if you’re around a bunch of balloons and you’re not happy you must really be depressed. So I’m standing there at my niece’s third birthday and she’s a great kid by the way, really ******* smart too in a way that you just know she’s gonna be something some day. So I’m standing there ya know surrounded by balloons and my wonderful niece and I’m ******* miserable, like I’m telling you I wanted to ******* blow my brains out. And I’m thinking, **** I should probably go to therapy. Does that answer the question? Yes. yes it does.

11

The man I'll one day meet won't be handsome, at least not to you if he were an apple on a shelf, he'd be the last one you'd choose, bruised on the outside, yes but that makes the inside sweeter the one no one wanted the middle of a 5 seater The man I'll one day meet I can see him when I sleep sometimes will get coffee and he'll ask me... about me, like he cares, like he's there like even if I haven't met him yet we're not wasting time The man I'll one day meet will make it all worth all the heartbreak, all the anger all the sadness, all the misplaced joy The man I'll one day meet is somewhere, right now, thinking about me. And I can't wait to tell him I'm doing the same

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Apr 18, 2019

Apr 18, 2019 at 1:50 AM UTC

The Man I'll One Day Meet

The man I'll one day meet won't be handsome, at least not to you if he were an apple on a shelf, he'd be the last one you'd choose, bruised on the outside, yes but that makes the inside sweeter the one no one wanted the middle of a 5 seater The man I'll one day meet I can see him when I sleep sometimes will get coffee and he'll ask me... about me, like he cares, like he's there like even if I haven't met him yet we're not wasting time The man I'll one day meet will make it all worth all the heartbreak, all the anger all the sadness, all the misplaced joy The man I'll one day meet is somewhere, right now, thinking about me. And I can't wait to tell him I'm doing the same

24

People only like you when it's convenient, true People only like you when it's convenient to. Not your family, true but only them because they have to. Don't laugh at this you know it's true They're not with you when you need them to. When you're dark and cold and stormy, true They cheer for the islands they're whisked away to. Even you, true The one I was there for, when you needed me to. Even when I didn't want to be, true I would have scaled a thousand mountains to Get to you. True. I guess it never mattered to you. True. You say you'll be there for me, but I don't trust you to.

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Oct 22, 2018

Oct 22, 2018 at 12:57 AM UTC

Inconvenience

People only like you when it's convenient, true People only like you when it's convenient to. Not your family, true but only them because they have to. Don't laugh at this you know it's true They're not with you when you need them to. When you're dark and cold and stormy, true They cheer for the islands they're whisked away to. Even you, true The one I was there for, when you needed me to. Even when I didn't want to be, true I would have scaled a thousand mountains to Get to you. True. I guess it never mattered to you. True. You say you'll be there for me, but I don't trust you to.

32

When you left silently it reminded me why it seems to be I don't revise my poetry

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May 1, 2018

May 1, 2018 at 12:09 AM UTC

A thought

When you left silently it reminded me why it seems to be I don't revise my poetry

4

I want to feel nothing for you. I want to soak myself in Novocain when you pass me on the street. I want to not be blown away by the way your hips shift when you walk . I want to delete memories of you like they were data on a disk. I want to shove you so deep into a crowded backpack. That thousands of years could pass before I found you. I want to be like the neutered dog able to **** away and away with no consequence. I want to close my eyes and think of anything else literally anything else like dead bodies decaying or something along those lines. I want to be free from your chains and I mean that. You don't seem to understand that but I do. Mean it. Believe me. I want to feel nothing for you.

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Apr 25, 2018

Apr 25, 2018 at 4:07 PM UTC

I Want To Feel Nothing for You

I want to feel nothing for you. I want to soak myself in Novocain when you pass me on the street. I want to not be blown away by the way your hips shift when you walk . I want to delete memories of you like they were data on a disk. I want to shove you so deep into a crowded backpack. That thousands of years could pass before I found you. I want to be like the neutered dog able to **** away and away with no consequence. I want to close my eyes and think of anything else literally anything else like dead bodies decaying or something along those lines. I want to be free from your chains and I mean that. You don't seem to understand that but I do. Mean it. Believe me. I want to feel nothing for you.

32

is cutting off bits of my infected self and sharing them with you but the pieces are small so the poison's diluted so you get to go home ok and I... I get to hurt a little less

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Apr 12, 2018

Apr 12, 2018 at 6:04 PM UTC

Poetry to Me

is cutting off bits of my infected self and sharing them with you but the pieces are small so the poison's diluted so you get to go home ok and I... I get to hurt a little less

8

Sometimes I want to take my car and drive to the middle of a desert and get out and lay down and just stay there until something happens. Like a coyote eats me or a dust storm blows me away... I don’t know why I come up here all the time, maybe it’s like weird, free therapy for me. I’m sorry, I know that when I talk I *** people out... I think I’m poison. And maybe getting up here is like me cutting off bits of my infected self and sharing it with you. But the pieces are small so the poison’s diluted, so you get to go home ok. And I… I get to hurt a little bit less.

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Apr 8, 2018

Apr 8, 2018 at 1:34 AM UTC

Stand Up Routine Gone Wrong

Sometimes I want to take my car and drive to the middle of a desert and get out and lay down and just stay there until something happens. Like a coyote eats me or a dust storm blows me away... I don’t know why I come up here all the time, maybe it’s like weird, free therapy for me. I’m sorry, I know that when I talk I *** people out... I think I’m poison. And maybe getting up here is like me cutting off bits of my infected self and sharing it with you. But the pieces are small so the poison’s diluted, so you get to go home ok. And I… I get to hurt a little bit less.

20