And maybe I should be scared of passing cars,
strangers in the dark, but nothing scares me
like the black hole I carry around; the endless
static in my mind and the desire to completely fall;
I'm walking, I don't know why, and it's like I think
placing one foot in front of the other and covering
mile after stupid mile will make the darkness
fall away from me; as if I could ever outrun it.
The cold bites, I can't feel my hands, but that
aching pulse reminds me I still have blood flowing
through my veins, I am still alive however dead
I may feel. Clenching, curling my fingers until the nails
sink into dried skin, to stop myself beating my limbs,
longing to see bruises blossom; sprays of dark
flowers that again prove I am not merely a corpse
reanimated; endlessly pounding darkened pavements
as if I could tire myself enough to sleep easy;
more fear for the way I feel my mind splintering
than anything that might get me, nothing could
ever terrify more than the midnight delights,
and wishes of such a broken mind as mine.
Home holds no comfort, staying still only
makes me feel sick: I want to run away but I can't
think of anywhere safe, friendly; where could I
ever go? Take me somewhere new, I'd rather be out
of place somewhere I've never been; I long
To pack a bag, catch a train, to travel
under the rifts in the sky until I find somewhere
that doesn't make my stomach churn. Now
I find myself heading for home, my legs are lead
and the cold has infected me, but still it
is easier to take than the urge to run, to jump,
to fall, fail and let the world consume me.
They promised me a fight, I know: they said it
would get infinitely worse first, but nobody
understands the crushing waves, the hours
so forbidding and empty; the scent of
some impending doom on the rain-blushed wind.
How can I ever hope to walk far enough,
fast enough, to escape this hell on earth?
Mar 1, 2015
Mar 1, 2015 at 11:19 AM UTC
The clock chimes midnight; there are tears in my eyes,
We only just met and I heard you say goodbye.
I can understand, god knows I understand why
you wouldn’t want to open this door, but I
can’t explain in simple words; however hard I try
I can’t form the right explanation for how the sky
started to look a little less bleak, my once-dry
hours became a little easier to take and I smile
every time I think of you; and each time
you talk to me I think: how wonderful to be alive
I love your little questions, the way you
wanted to learn the little things, and it’s true:
it’s the little things that get you through
somehow you made the time a little less blue,
the sky more so; I dreamed of happiness and you;
I started picturing you, wondering how you
laugh and whether you like the same things I do
and whether I’d fit perfectly next to you
or in your arms; I found excitement anew
waiting for the day I could run to you
You are the only thing on my mind
I swear; even when I’m out of it and out of time
you were the one filling my dreams and I
wish I could explain how for once inside
I felt warm without whisky or wine;
anticipation and possibilities were running high,
to get to sleep I thought of when I
could fall into your embrace; to call you mine
is all I dream: I’d even put down the bottle, I
would be so grateful to have even survived
If we could give this just one shot
my angel, please; somehow I forgot
how once I seemed obsessed with her and not
able to change; I’ve grown, I’ve changed a lot;
so please, I beg you, don’t be gone
please let me keep trying to explain what
I feel at the sound of your name; not
another person in this world could top
the way I feel for you; we could be in love
and I’d give everything for a chance for us.
Feb 15, 2015
Feb 15, 2015 at 7:24 PM UTC
Please – I’m uttering it
a thousand times a second;
I’m trying to find the words
and trying to explain
I feel all too deeply; I know,
I wrote about her
like she put the stars in
the ******* sky, I know
How that must have hurt
to read, to see; I
was a fool, she was my
first love and that’s a curse
I’ll carry with me for
centuries; but I do not love her,
do not want her,
not anymore – it’s you
Please believe me, it’s
only you I’m thinking of in
long nights, only
you I wish was here
I am falling, have
been for days ever since
we shared our first
words; I’m falling for you
We could be beautiful;
don’t let this go
without giving it a shot,
I know you feel it
Too – you feel how we
could be so happy
together, so great and
so good; I want you
And only you now; even
if she came running again
I’d walk away and I’d
run to you:
If only I could, if only
I could walk into
your room and kiss those
lips, the way I crave
If only I could hold you;
words make far
more sense in person,
but I swear to you
The thought of losing you
now, angel, it makes
me sick; just on
chance and we could be everything
Please don’t walk away,
I’m not hers, not
anymore and I could
so easily be yours
Just a few more words,
a few more minutes
of trust and I’d be yours
please – please
I’m rummaging for
the right words to say here
and I know you
won’t talk to me tonight
I guess that’s alright;
I hope you wake up,
and under
morning’s fresh light
You can try to understand
I loved her once;
that’s all; once I loved her
but not now, now all
I want is you.
Feb 15, 2015
Feb 15, 2015 at 6:56 PM UTC
I never thought I’d apply these words
to anyone who wasn’t her;
maybe it’s even a success that I
can say her, because she’s not the one
that matters to me anymore.
I never thought I’d want anyone else
to hold me, or be the first
slow thought in my drunken mind,
but it’s you now, it’s you my angel,
it’s you I’m holding on for.
You say I’m beautiful,
well beauty is only skin deep. I’m not
half as beautiful as you because
you saw something worth saving
in me; you saw more
Than some broken-hearted
girl. You saw more than cuts and scars,
than crying, trying to get through
the aching days; I’m longing
and it’s you I’m longing for.
I’m counting down the days now,
until I can see your face;
I pray when our hands touch,
our minds will connect and it will be
more magical than before;
I think you are more human, more
wonderful and more real;
I think you know what you want
and I could finally live with you.
I’m wishing to my core
That I could kiss you; I never
thought I would feel this again --
the rushing blood, the dreams of love
and hope and I wish you
were here; it’s all I wish for.
Feb 15, 2015
Feb 15, 2015 at 6:47 PM UTC
Miss Havisham has nothing on my decay
I’ve lived a thousand years in this state
In stasis my hair tarnishes grey
As the eyes behind which I deteriorate
I’ve been trapped by my old ways
Habits die hard and the twists of fate
Have deserted me to go and play
With other mortals who don’t retaliate
In frosted silks and velvet capes
Spiderwebs frame my wrinkling face
And beside me all laid with lace
The remnants of my life wither away
With a forlorn smile I greet the day
The visits lessen as I fall ever more prey
To isolation and the soft sway
Of my mind as it disintegrates
You smile politely and start to say
You had heard I was once rendered great
And good but I am no saint
I am nobody to emulate
I am frozen as a winter’s day
Stiff and still and never to change
My dusty breath will suffocate
And I beg you to turn away
Leave me in this slumbering daze
A relic of another age
Long-passed and tinged with grey
A memory inarticulate
I tired of life one summer’s day
It grew bored of me too in its way
Left me immortal and unchanged
Its cruelty can never be replaced.
Feb 1, 2015
Feb 1, 2015 at 8:12 PM UTC
Winter walks in my icy flesh
Frost clings to my clouded breath
Regardless of season I bear
Some chill and distant wintery air
Aching in my January bones
I shiver and stumble wind-blown
Freezing and shaking eternally
Not even summer can release me
From this grey-shrouded cage of mist
Of fog and snow’s soft kiss
I shrink and decay a little more
I am no Valentine but February’s *****
Even in the death of December
And as the earth slowly remembers
Warm sun and bursting flowers
I grow barren by the hour
Untouched by spring’s warm breeze
My soul as winter’s trees
Wizened and dead to the world
I am more of despair than a girl
Deceitfully I walk this place
Frosted eyes decorating my face
To hide the gale howling behind
The china glaze protecting my mind
Dog-tired as an insomniac
Constantly afraid of looking back
November’s rain in my wake
Delicately cracked I am a fake
Lips whisper cold as glass
Unsure how many years have passed
I maintain my cold isolation
Frozen from anticipation
I watch summer spread jealously
It cannot permeate me
With hope and life like another
I will be ice forever and nothing other.
Jan 20, 2015
Jan 20, 2015 at 5:23 PM UTC
It's the slow letting go
Waking up one morning with a clear mind
Unclouded by thoughts of the past
It's the way you realise
You've been spending your thoughts
On other things more built to last
It's not reliving your failures
As you go through each day
And yes you might still cry at night
It's the forgiving of them
And the cruel stars you once cursed
Even yourself as you see the light
It's realizing that even while
You weren't close to alright before
It is nobody's job to fix or save you
It's realizing you might
Someday be okay after this
The desolation may clear to truth
It's the slow release of
All the things you tied up in their heart
And knowing you will be okay
It's opening up to the future
Letting yourself see hope for once
Even though things will never be the same.
Jan 6, 2015
Jan 6, 2015 at 8:37 PM UTC
Burning as the smallest star
I tried to be the moon,
To reflect your brilliance
My pure, fire-hearted sun
But I must burn myself,
Weakly, in my own destruction
For I have only ever known
How to set myself alight
Dark flames, burning out
I am easily covered
And like the stars
Once you truly see my light
I am already dead and gone
I am as dust, striving
To implode and remake myself
Some nebula, some galaxy
Dies with me and again
I create myself anew,
I was not born to daylight
To reflection or true brightness
I am the dark
It is all I know, and that
Is why to burn in safety
Will never be my destiny.
Dec 30, 2014
Dec 30, 2014 at 2:40 PM UTC
I’d rather know my head was aching from
***** than all the reasons you left me. That my
throat was burning from polluting my lungs
instead of crying out your name. I’d
rather believe that the tears
staining my pillow at night were caused by
forcing myself to bend over the toilet bowl than
by longing to feel you wrapped around
me as I lie incapable of sleep. That the reason
dreams escape me is starvation and
not a restless longing. I wish I could
fool myself into believing I’m shaking from
nervousness all day instead of from
the absence of your eyes.
I keep tricking myself into thinking I weep
from pain and not from love, but
every razor line is nothing to knowing that
love was not enough in the end. That I
held everything in my hand and let
it slip away, as the days now fall from me because
you are gone. If only I could blame
hunger for the ravenous cries of my soul.
If only I could convince myself solely
malnutrition and winter’s chill raise goosebumps
on my skin.
These partial truths make it easier
to forget I am so consumed by a desire
and desperation that will never be satiated. I
will never again feel whole. And I can
let smoke fill my mouth until I almost forget
the taste of you, but it will never
replace you. I can’t even say I started
drinking when I met you, or that I wasn’t
already in the grips of sweet demons. But
losing you sure made it easier to let them
dig their claws into my heart, made it
easier to turn my soul into ash and parade myself
as some poor degenerate being, if only
to forget how empty I am now. It sure
as hell made it more necessary.
Dec 10, 2014
Dec 10, 2014 at 12:27 PM UTC
Wasted on you are all the glories
Of a world you can only see
In monochrome and silent film
The lights are dull and weary
In greyscale you wander on
The blue sky goes unseen
Or unnoticed by your tired eyes
Head down you walk uneasy
Even your smile is a ghost
Never quite reaching your eyes
Vanishing as soon as they
Stop looking and you huddle inside
Your fragile shell and a mind
So worn down and tired
I hear every laughing word
And I know you are a liar
Or if not a wasted talent
The greatest actress alive
You can never break the glass
But keep pretending to be fine
Immaculately dressed just so
No-one will give you a second glance
You are so scared of everything
You won't give life a chance.
Dec 8, 2014
Dec 8, 2014 at 9:04 AM UTC