It's happening again.
I'm watching myself flood everything we've built and I don't know how to stop.
The voices in my head scream,
And I have repeated dreams
Of being left by him
Until he turns into you
And I have no one left.
I know it wasn't real but it feels so real when you wake up shaking in the middle of the night alone.
I thought this time I could make it
But it's hard to stop sinking when your mind refuses to tell your legs to kick,
And you never even learned to swim to begin with.
Now you're crying,
I'm trying to tell you it wasn't your fault
but I can't see you anymore through my own tears
The waves are drowning out my voice,
I think soon they'll drown me too.
Sep 21, 2017
Sep 21, 2017 at 9:37 PM UTC
Things you said that I will never forget:
"My night would have been better if you were here."
"I want you in my life."
"I imagined you sleeping over every night."
"You live here now."
"You were my first choice."
"That waiter basically thought we were married."
Things you never said:
I love you.
Jan 31, 2017
Jan 31, 2017 at 9:06 PM UTC
I just wanted you to know
I never had any desire
to take care of another living thing
until you laid your head in my lap.
I never got the chance to tell you
I believed heaven to be the sound
of your breathing as you fell asleep,
so I told him instead.
It wasn't quite the same,
but I guess it was close enough.
Jan 14, 2017
Jan 14, 2017 at 9:31 PM UTC
In my heart, it is always summer.
We are watching Netflix on your couch.
My head is on your chest
and I pretend to pay attention to the movie
while I memorize the rhythm of your heartbeat.
We are stumbling in after a night of dancing.
I run to our balcony and you follow me.
You hold me while you point out different constellations
but I am too busy studying your profile against the moon.
I am waiting for you in bed
and you walk through the door singing softly.
I am falling asleep to the sound of your breathing,
thinking there is nowhere else I would want to be.
In my heart, summer never ended.
Dec 26, 2016
Dec 26, 2016 at 4:37 PM UTC
I hope your next girl takes care of you.
I hope she always tells you
how much she misses you.
I hope she never hesitates to
love you.
Dec 13, 2016
Dec 13, 2016 at 4:42 PM UTC
Moving on is realizing
that loving someone new
does not mean that
your past feelings were faithless.
Love is not finite,
it grows with you.
Dec 3, 2016
Dec 3, 2016 at 7:54 PM UTC
I swear to God,
I can still remember
the constellations on your back.
I trace them
over and over
again in my mind.
I look for them
on every other body
I have seen since.
Nov 29, 2016
Nov 29, 2016 at 9:07 PM UTC
One day, I will no longer
be in the habit of checking
if your light is on from your window.
One day, my thoughts will be
in my own voice again.
One day I will no longer
miss you from the moment I wake up
to the moment I fall asleep.
Nov 23, 2016
Nov 23, 2016 at 6:13 PM UTC
If there is
Just one thing I could do differently
I would go back to that night
And catch every single tear
That fell from your eyes
Nov 15, 2016
Nov 15, 2016 at 10:19 PM UTC
The hardest part of all of this is that you were not just the first person I was in love with, but the first thing I've ever loved at all. I think everyone needs to love something to be happy in life, and some people love their jobs, or school, or their home, or even themselves, but for me it was only you, and I don't know what to do now. I keep having dreams of people asking for my commitment and in those dreams the first thing I think about is when and how I will leave them. I keep having flashbacks to that evening we had dinner at the European brewery. You were joking about how if we ever broke up I would spend the rest of my life trying to replace you but I would never succeed. What if you were right? What if you were it? What if I am never able to love anyone else again?
Nov 13, 2016
Nov 13, 2016 at 10:41 PM UTC