The words I don’t yet have are ones to describe my trauma.
Too young to understand what happened, young enough to let it determine the course of my future relationships.
Consent wasn’t part of my vocabulary until I was an adult.
Coercion, drugs, NO...
If I speak these words into the universe, the actions become real, not a figment of my memory.
The trauma of being called a **** a ***** “giving it up” too soon.
Feeling like a chewed piece of gum, tape that lost its stick, a crumpled piece of paper.
No one wants you if you’ve been used.
An experience for one in five women, yet still taboo.
The words I don’t yet have are ones to describe my queer identity.
Queer and trans but passing as female…
I’ll never “pass” as nonbinary because society sees nothing but male or female.
The struggle of questioning my gender, binding my chest, compressing on my lungs to force out the female.
The hourglass figure with the big **** and fat *** thick thighs and that extra baby fat;
Female body down to the ****** but without the identity.
The pain of being called a **** a ****** a “what’s between your legs?”,
having your body scrutinized, looking for your true identity.
Even in the trans community, there’s still a binary.
The words I don’t yet have are ones to describe a better future for us survivors.
The world I want is one where victims aren’t dismissed,
one where perpetrators are held accountable.
A college calendar isn’t proof of where he was that one night.
A president can’t just grab me by the *****
A college rapist’s swim career isn’t ruined because he “made a mistake.”
A radical thought would be to punish white men for their crimes.
I imagine a world where women and survivors don’t have to live with trauma,
don’t have to sit in court and face their perpetrator,
don’t have to relive their experience.
I imagine a world where male survivors aren’t ignored,
one where bisexual women aren’t more likely to experience ****** violence,
one where false accusations aren’t more of a concern than actual assault.
The words I don’t yet have are ones to describe a better future for queers.
The world I want is one where we can feel safe just for existing.
Activism doesn’t stop at marriage equality.
Bisexuality isn’t just “pick a side.”
Transgender people don’t need to disclose about their **** ***** or other.
A radical thought would be to stop murdering black trans women.
I imagine a world where children are taught about the fluidity of sexuality and gender in school.
A world where parents don’t render their children homeless when they come out.
One where the closet is a place for your clothes, not a place to hide.
I imagine a world where your sexuality isn’t illegal,
where corporations don’t leech onto Pride for advertisement.
The words I don’t yet have are on the tip of my tongue,
but won’t cascade out of my mouth.
These words aren’t as free flowing as a waterfall,
but they’re as stagnant as a polluted lake.
Stuck in my throat, poisoning me,
until one day I scream them out into the void.
Nov 1, 2018
Nov 1, 2018 at 4:50 PM UTC
You see me through rose-colored glasses,
And never look back to see the war path you left behind.
War, death, wrath, and pestilence.
The four horsemen became my only friends.
I see you with my own two eyes,
and you are the snake that tempted Eve to eat the apple.
The light summer breezes remind you of how you gently caressed
my soft skin.
It reminds me of how you breathed down my neck,
analyzing my every word and movement.
I was like a dog on a tight leash, a bird with clipped wings,
never leaving your side for one second.
You lived in isolation and dragged me into the darkness with you.
Shades covered my eyes and hid the damage that you caused,
and now that they’re gone, I can’t believe the wounds I suffered at your hand.
Our entire relationship was like winter;
barren and empty, keeping me locked out of the house.
You were the illness that kept me quarantined.
I kept banging on the windows, begging anyone to look in my direction,
begging anyone to notice how I was disappearing.
How many nights did I spend trying to convince you that you were worthy of me?
You brought me so low that I couldn’t see how much better of a man I deserved.
You consumed me, and I had no chance.
We became one, and I lost myself in you.
I was convinced that I was nothing without you.
My self-confidence came from the compliments you fed me,
but you made sure never to let my head get that big.
I’d float away if you ever let that happen.
How many nights did I stay awake crying, begging you not to **** yourself?
How many people hated you without my knowing,
because they saw you for what you really were?
How could I give you everything I had,
and it still wasn’t enough for you?
You see me with rose-colored glasses,
but now I see you for what you really are – a monster.
Aug 6, 2018
Aug 6, 2018 at 10:59 PM UTC
Exhale~
A cloud of white leaving your lungs,
along with the weight of the world on your shoulders,
the stress of a long day,
the loneliness you face every second.
The drug becomes your partner,
the only stable part of your life.
Exhale~
A cloud of white leaving your lungs,
along with these emotions you don’t want to face,
the emotions that bring you to a dark place,
that even antidepressants can’t fix.
Exhale~
A cloud of white leaving your lungs,
Sinking sinking sinking
into your seat.
Falling falling falling
out of touch with reality.
Exhale~
A cloud of white leaving your lungs
Cannot wait to get out of my head.
Is this even enjoyable anymore?
Or am I just hiding from myself?
Exhale~
You need to stop
Exhale~
Why can’t you stop
Exhale~
Where did I go
Who am I
What have I become
Jul 17, 2018
Jul 17, 2018 at 2:23 AM UTC
Life is full of people and choices that you have to make for yourself.
Sometimes these people make your life easier and these choices are obvious.
Sometimes not.
When do you know when to let go?
Why do I keep fighting for something that’s so uncertain?
The chase is the last thing I want to be involved in,
especially when I’m chasing something that doesn’t want to get caught.
When will my energy finally run out?
Jul 17, 2018
Jul 17, 2018 at 2:03 AM UTC
Antidepressants take you on a journey.
It’s like going up the emotional roller coaster,
but never dropping to rock bottom.
I’ve been on a plateau for a while now,
but the bad nights still come and go.
There is one thing they can’t fix;
loneliness.
People always leave for one reason or another.
Maybe I’m too loud, maybe I’m too gay.
Maybe I’m like the plague; people have to disappear
so that they can get rid of me.
Maybe I’m a virus that people can’t find a cure to.
I’m lost without a compass.
They say that what I’m looking for will come to me,
but who wants to come to the lonely island
for the person that drowns in self-pity?
Jul 17, 2018
Jul 17, 2018 at 2:00 AM UTC
We were lovers in every sense of the word.
Sure, we made love
And I didn’t know where your body ended and mine began,
Our breathing labored and smiles slipping into our kisses.
But you were my confidant
That held all my deepest darkest secrets,
My human diary.
You dove to save me when I drowned in my tears
And wrapped me up in your arms when I fell to pieces.
We clicked, we understood each other.
You knew my silence was not the silent treatment
And I knew when you gave me that look, you needed to be held.
But we were the definition of hurting the people you care about the most.
You ripped my pages out of you,
No longer wishing to be my diary.
You condemned me like I was a haunted building,
The ghosts of my anxiety and depression haunting you.
Instead of banishing the spirits to save me, you gave up.
You no longer wanted to listen to me,
My problems were too much for you to hold.
When did I become the world on Atlas’ shoulders?
When did you start seeing yourself as atlas?
Our connection went away and I no longer knew what you needed from me.
You let me fall apart and stepped on my broken pieces like they meant nothing.
I finally drowned in my tears.
Making love no longer felt special,
Just something we felt obligated to do.
You gave me an ultimatum, but when I chose you,
You ******* left anyway.
I tried to help myself when you could no longer help me.
I wanted to relieve some of the pressure on Atlas,
But my world just crashed on top of me.
I couldn’t breathe, but you ******* walked away.
I chose you.
I chose you.
I chose you.
But you didn’t choose me.
May 18, 2016
May 18, 2016 at 9:53 PM UTC
This is a letter to you. You know who you are.
I can't even bear to write your name.
It leaves burns on my fingertips and
it tastes bitter on my lips.
You are my best and worst memory,
depending on my mood that day.
On my better days, memories of you are like
sweet lemonade on a hot summer day.
It's a relief to know that love like that can exist
at such a young age.
On my bad days, memories of you are like
a searing brand on my brain.
It's an ocean of alcohol on open wounds,
it's open heart surgery without anesthesia,
it's drowning while everyone watches.
When you decided to break up with me,
did it leave you in ruins?
Were you the human colosseum?
Please tell me, I'm dying to know
if your decision left you the same way it left me.
I was the living dead, the shell of a human.
Breathing was a struggle,
daggers stabbing my ribs.
It was almost an incentive to stop breathing,
to end my pain and suffering.
My body rejected everything I took in,
but even then, I hardly had an appetite to eat.
It was almost as if my body felt withdrawal from you,
ready to die if I didn't get my dose of you.
A gaping hole in my chest left me weak and unstable,
and my tears were the only thing that
could cleanse the wound.
No amount of stitches could patch me up,
and all the morphine in the would couldn't
get me high enough to escape the pain of you.
It's been almost six months, and
I am trying to hold my head up high.
It's hard when my head is barely above water,
but at least I'm not drowning.
Masking the pain with alcohol didn't work,
and I almost tried to contact you a few times
if I'm being honest.
The simple things force me to tears,
like the smell of your cologne or
hearing your favorite song on the radio or
even just remembering one of our inside jokes.
One of the hardest obstacles in my life
is getting past you.
Almost six months have passed,
and I've made simple progress.
When something happens, you are
no longer the person I first think to tell.
My body lost the crave for your touch,
and it doesn't miss the light caress of your fingertips.
My hands no longer tremor with the
force of an earthquake when I see your family.
Time doesn't heal wounds,
you just gain tolerance of pain.
I try with my whole being to hate you,
but I just can't bring myself to do it.
When you love something with all the love
that you have to give, hatred really isn't an option.
The pain you caused is unforgivable,
yet if you came to my doorstep,
I'm not positive that I would turn you away.
Don't read this letter and think that I want you back.
I want to relive our old memories,
but the old us is dead and gone.
When you walked away,
you signed a contract promising
that you would never look back,
never turn around,
never try for me again.
You've never been one to break your promises.
Don't start now.
I hope you're well,
please take care of yourself.
Feb 1, 2015
Feb 1, 2015 at 12:41 AM UTC
One year ago, a world without you
seemed almost unfathomable.
I thought that if we broke up,
my heart would stop beating,
time would end,
everything as I knew it would crash.
When you broke up with me,
all of my worst nightmares came true,
and now I can't even look back on us
without everything crashing down
onto me,
a tornado of memories
a hurricane of tears
and an earthquake inside of my heart.
The world almost did end,
and I wouldn't have been surprised
if hell froze over or pigs started flying.
It's been almost six months,
and I can't stop thinking of you,
remembering our good times,
remembering out bad times.
The only thing that I can't remember
is when things changed.
When did we stop smiling during kisses
and stop telling each other our secrets?
When did we stop trying to get to know each other
and stop talking all together?
When did we stop trying to fix us,
and just allow ourselves to fall apart?
When did you stop wiping my tears away,
and when did you become the cause of them?
The good times were like laying in a field of flowers,
bathing in the warmth of the sun
and finding shapes in the clouds.
The bad times were like a harsh frostbite
after walking for hours in a blizzard.
Jan 31, 2015
Jan 31, 2015 at 4:20 PM UTC
Who would have imagined that we would end up like this?
Your number deleted off of my phone,
And not a word exchanged in 4 months.
I remember our new year's kiss of 2014.
The tight grip on my waist,
And traces of a smile across my face.
But now it's only been twenty-four minutes into the next new year,
And I'm already spending it with tears in my eyes.
To think we started off a year together
And ended things only eight months later
Really shows you how much time changes people
And makes them into a person that you didn't fall in love with.
I'm sitting here missing you,
And you don't even give a **** about me.
So go enjoy your next 365 days without me,
And go kiss some other girl to start off the new year.
Lord knows that it won't be me,
And I'll never let myself back into your arms.
Jan 1, 2015
Jan 1, 2015 at 1:34 AM UTC
I will always remember the day that we broke up.
My tear-stained face and your stoic expression said it all.
The second that you walked away was the moment that
the dam broke and all hell broke loose.
Tears drained themselves out of my eyes from the pain
of you ripping out a piece of my heart and taking it with you.
The piece that was taken was the part of me
that knew how to laugh at the simplest things,
that blushed when you spoke my name out loud,
that wasn't broken when something reminded me of
you.
The internal hemorrhaging was more than I could take,
and all of my strength in that moment was put towards
not collapsing on the stairs in front of my home.
Each step you took felt like a stomp on my chest,
slamming into me with a purpose.
With the same force that you used to break my rib cage,
my palpitating heart fought back with passion.
While my body broke down,
my heart was the only thing trying to save me,
because Lord knows that once you turned your back to me,
you were never going to turn around again.
With one last look back at you,
I saw your eyes, filled with remorse and sadness.
but I thank God that you didn't ******* come barreling back,
because as hard as my heart was fighting for me to stay,
it fought to push you out of my system as quickly as possible.
If you enveloped me back into your arms,
overdose would be inevitable, and it would take
God’s ******* grace to save me from the damage you have done.
Lord knows we were a match made in heaven,
but star crossed lovers were never meant to last.
We’re no Romeo and Juliet love story
because I will never **** myself.
I didn't have to worry,
because you already did it for me.
Dec 30, 2014
Dec 30, 2014 at 9:59 PM UTC