They said it would get easier.
They always say that though, don't they?
A decade has gone by since the moment of my descent, when the sun began to set over me.
Ten years of surviving instead of living, constantly struggling and slipping.
Ten years of feeling the tediousness of each hesitant breath, mourning again & again after each sudden death.
Ten years of wondering when it was going to start getting easier like they all promised it would.
But the only thing getting easier is ignoring the pain of fresh wounds from old habits.
Oct 3, 2014
Oct 3, 2014 at 10:35 AM UTC
I made a promise to myself, and now it's been broken.
Old habits die hard, especially when unspoken.
No one needed to know.
Some scars aren't meant to show.
I kept it to myself, tucked away but not forgotten, buried beneath the thoughts that a decade ago turned rotten.
It was a lie when I made it, though I struggled for it to become reality.
I fought for two years, through all the fears and all the tears.
I wouldn't let the truth echo through my ears.
But the truth doesn't echo, it trickles and oozes.
I cut the ties that I kept to it like a blade through meat.
I guess some things aren't meant to be beat.
Aug 27, 2014
Aug 27, 2014 at 1:48 AM UTC
I go to work, high and hungover.
Shuffling feet leave a trail to the coffee *** sleep shaking off with every step.
I drunkenly stumble through my night, redundancy oozing out of every pore, mixing with the *** soaked sweat that trickles down my face.
Purgatory exists inside of me; its numbing gray swallowing up everything in my field of vision & permeating my thoughts.
Creeping. Crawling. Consuming.
The Golden Years are rusting under my fingertips, and I stand idly by, watching it happen.
Aug 19, 2014
Aug 19, 2014 at 12:03 PM UTC
I used to think of the most beautiful words possible to try and describe you.
...
Now I wouldn't waste the syllables.
Aug 17, 2014
Aug 17, 2014 at 3:28 AM UTC
I trip over myself so hard that the walls are always melting.
My stress fueled heartbeat echoes in my ears so loudly that I fear the heavens will shatter.
In a room full of friends and familiar faces I sit quietly; I feel like a stranger with no voice.
The day they taught us not to take it personally? I guess I skipped it.
My breaths come and go as the seconds morph to minutes, muted by the pounding in my ears.
Clenched fists boil the blood I taste from biting my tongue as the words I crave to utter shatter off the back of my teeth.
Aug 17, 2014
Aug 17, 2014 at 3:15 AM UTC
The breeze through the trees casts shadows as the sunlight dances between every limb & bough.
The birds chirp and rustle, insects buzz and people bustle as the clouds roll along.
Groups of happy souls mill about, blissfully so as I sit and I think and I watch as they go.
I labor for peace, inward and out, yet never find confidence... only doubt.
I sit and I watch as the world ages around
me and I think to myself
'What a beautiful day to not exist.'
Aug 9, 2014
Aug 9, 2014 at 3:56 PM UTC
You're a whirlwind of chaos that calms my choppy seas; a balance to both of our rough waves.
A solid rock to lean on.
A never judging soul.
Someone who can roll a joint and is willing to pack a bowl.
A constant in many equations and an ever changing variable that mystifies & mesmerizes during all of our relations.
The way you move with the waves of the world, the music of nature, and the groove of the 'verse can only be cited as a blessing and a curse.
For all of this, I'm extremely grateful.
For you're a wonder of nature and our meeting was fateful.
Aug 7, 2014
Aug 7, 2014 at 4:11 AM UTC
These feelings for you that are growing have got to get to going, we said no strings attached yet my head feels so attacked.
Moving through this world learning the rules as I go, I thought I knew the way but now I just don't know.
Maybe it's not for me, getting too close to a friend; when the passion is raw it gets too easy to offend.
I'll figure this out, or lose out yet again, but until then I'll wing it and hope for the best.
Aug 4, 2014
Aug 4, 2014 at 11:24 PM UTC
The cocoon of my depression sets in and wraps me up, numb and away from it all.
It sneaks in with every inhale, and erases the color with every exhale.
A world full of grey, a world full of pain.
It'll release me, one day, but no butterfly emerges; no beautiful creature can come from all of this.
Aug 4, 2014
Aug 4, 2014 at 11:21 PM UTC
We sat in the middle of the tunnel, cold rails under us while we drowned in darkness. The faint light coming from either side gave a false hope of comfort as though maybe you'd see a silhouette of some ethereal shadow-creature before it struck.
Drips dropped from the rocky surfaces and echoed, faintly, & ever so often; just often enough to remind us that time was passing.
The wisps of smoke that danced away from the tip of the blunt vanished into the darkness as easily as we had, our faces only visible when the orange ember surged to life during each inhale.
We sat and we spoke, and when we weren't speaking we were listening to the silence that resonated in between those dripdrops of condensation.
As full of smoke as the tunnel, we trudged our way back towards that faint wall of light that marked the edge. The invisible rails that had been our seats slowly crept back into existence as we moved on, more light slipping in between the darkness we had been inhabiting.
The silence took his cue and bowed out gracefully as the conversations of insects and nearby highways began, leaving us with each other as we continued on our way.
Aug 4, 2014
Aug 4, 2014 at 11:14 PM UTC